This is Me.

The Peace, Hope, Love, and Joy of a New Year!

2012-01-01T21:59:00.000+08:00

in a blink of an eye, we've just ushered in the new year. many people i'd used to know are either married or busy making babies. in fact, there seemed to have many new babies last year. for me, i'm still comfortably single. i do feel that age is creeping in. yet, there're just some things i have no intention to rush. come to think about it, i'm kind of past the phase that i'm so eager beaver to marry myself off, joining the "trend", wasn't it? anyway, i don't want to think how old i'll ever get hitched, i don't want to think if i'll ever have a family of my own, nor i want to envy people happily married. i'm Me. and i don't want regrets in life. and i promise myself, a real long time ago, i won't.

in today's Homily in Mass, i was reminded (yet again) to live in the Present. forget abt the negativities of the past, and do not bring those (negativities) with me to the Present. Live In The Present. and Father Bruno shared with the church of his friend, a Buddhist Monk, that when he sent an email, there would a email signature that said, "Have a Nice Day... unless you have something else in mind." i laughed. it's so true. this is something so simple, and yet so difficult to attain.

in the book, The Power of Now, it preaches simply the same things. leave the past, don't worry about the future, start working on the Now, i.e. the Present.

i have made some resolution for the New Year 2012, and i have all the determination to stick with it. when i was thinking i had everything pretty much covered, i realize it was all about myself. so no, the resolution is not complete. hence, i decided i add one more resolution to my list,

"to make it home for meals with Mama, at least once a month."

some would feel that "once a month" is kind of stingy. but i feel it's a good start. i do feel guilty that i only go over on certain occasions. and as much as i felt guilty, she may not be free for me too. hence, it has to be arranged, in a way.

and i believe one of the most important resolution for myself is,

"forget the Past, leave the Future to the Lord, start Living in the Present".

to myself, to my Love ones, to everyone,

Happy New Year.

for better skin...

2011-11-20T22:21:00.001+08:00

as a staff of a skincare company, i do get the perks - 30% off products, 40% off treatments. really, it's quite attractive, especially when the stuffs are really expensive. ever since Joyce Lim, i don't recall splurging that much on skincare. when i thought Joyce Lim was already a killer for my pocket, i took my virgin step out of the doctor's regime and tried on my own company's products. honestly, if i don't witness how good the products would be, i couldn't convince the thousands of potential customers out there.

so yup, i took my 1st step. i decided to drop Joyce Lim is because her products no longer works for me. yes, my face was alot better than it was 3 to 4 years ago. however, i couldn't continue using her products as my skin is slowly aging and she's not tweaking my regime. furthermore, my eczema tends to break out during hormonal changes and she's not intending to do anything about it. to her, it's a skin condition that "couldn't be cured". oh well...

i finally had my consultation and bought more than $600 worth of products. thank God for the 30% which the bill came down to $400+. Mei was with me, and she too, easily convinced to tweak her regime advised by the consultants. at least for her skin, she doesn't have much of a problem. i have some serious case of 'congestion', and i need more than the usual basic home care products to help. sigh.... yup, all for the sake of healthier looking skin. i guess i really had enough seeing other people's flawless skins and mine's like so problematic. yup, i'm somewhat anticipating the results in a few month's time!

as for work, the pace slowed down a great deal. that's coz' all PR and copywriting materials are done and the work is chucked at my designer's. now i'm only waiting for proof-reading, and also going through the intricate details of all the artwork produced. basically i'm going to work now just to handle some production stuff - cutting papers. hahahaha... as bizarre as that sounds, it's true! like they told me, enjoy it while i can, till the next tidal wave of work comes again.

2 weeks...

2011-10-22T23:46:00.000+08:00

it has been 2 weeks since I've started work. honestly, as exciting as it is everyday, it is also a whole lot of getting used to. after resting for 2.5 mths, i have some difficulty tuning in to work again. and also, after my 2nd day of work, i had to work OT already, almost every day. even i have to find time to do some work at home over the weekends too. it's somewhat fun, perhaps something i don't mind, but it's also relatively physically and mentally draining. even my Boss could feel that i'm 'punctured' already. well, i guess he cant expect me to run a 10km marathon without running for more than 2 months right?

anyway, he has high hopes for me since the 1st day i've started work. and i'm determined to keep up to his expectations. i get insecure at most times coz' i do feel as if i'm not working up to my own expectations, hence his expectations. i don't know if my expectations are the same as his, or possibly higher. so i constantly feel that i could do better, even though he would never fail to give me some encouragements or a pat on the back that i'm doing good.

i guess most importantly, i really enjoyed my work. alot of freehand, till i'm actually insecure if i had it all right. and i'm really blessed that my boss gives me the freedom. even though his directions may not be very clear, and i do get confused too, but ultimately i enjoyed the entire experience. it's really God-sent, and i've been grateful everyday. :)

and only 2 weeks of work, getting in depth with this whole beauty business, i've actually began to scrutinize other ppl's skin! it's like so OMG! i guess this happens when i'm constantly exposed to co-workers' great skins, and i'm depressed about mine. even the big lady boss's skin, who's in her 50s, also better than mine. in fact, almost flawless! it does motivate me about the products. and i'm really tempted to take a shot with their products and treatments. like my boss said, i need to be a convert myself before i could be their Brand Angel/Spokesperson. with a staff discount of 30%, really, it's attractive.

anyway, my cleanser is about done. rather than going back to the hospital to get my supplies, i might as well start using theirs. it's gonna be more expensive, but the discount makes the price on par. so why not? and i'm actually excited, thinking about it! LOL!

I'm Hired!

2011-10-10T23:41:00.001+08:00

wow! the wait is over! no more endless anticipation of whether i'll get a job or not! it's such an immensed relieve, and at the same time, so really excited to move on. even though it's a job not really what I wanted, but i do want to believe this job would open new doors for me.

after i accepted this job, i had two other calls from agencies, to get me to go for interview. one was at Coke, another at F&N. honestly, i felt the pang of pity i couldn't go, when i turned it down. as much as my options are still opened, i didnt feel it was right to take leave to attend the interviews. it'll be unpaid, and if i happened to be offered, i don't think i could just tender like that. it's unethical to me, and i don't feel good doing things like that. so Mei felt it was all fated. i guess it's worth to give this boss a shot, since we can hit off quite well.

so yar, i'm starting work tomorrow. and i also just got back from a weekend trip to Batam with Bel, Ra, and Mun. Glad that i start work only on Tues, so today i had a good rest.

and you know what? i'm starting work, the same date as i started work with DK last year. uncanny. but i choose to believe that it means i'll start over on the same date, and this will be a happy job for me. so it's fated for me to put things right, the way it should've been when i was in DK. :)

yes, it will be a good start for all good things to come.

as much as i'm scared how this will turn out, but I'm Ready to Go Go Go!!

and i must say, The Secret pulled me through my toughest days. Thank you the Secret, Thank you my Lord, Thank you the Universe. Amen.

the Secret... will it work?

2011-09-30T00:36:00.003+08:00

after a hiatus of almost 2 months, and out of job, i needed a channel to vent. well, not really venting as well, coz' i don't really know what's for me to write. i have been depressed, with no boyfriends, no job, no other distractions. it's quite sad for me actually. at least if i'm working, it's good enough to keep me distracted. but nope, don't have anything. then again, i'm really grateful for friends to keep me entertained regularly, once a week at least. it's great for some booze, and hanging out, enjoying each other's company.

my brother recently reminded me of the book he gave me as a present. i shelved it the moment i saw it, and don't ask me why. i guess the book didn't seem very appealing to me. haaa. it was until Jacob shared with me about this movie he caught - the Secret, and then i realize i had this book shelved in my cupboard. and it was uncanny that my brother asked me a couple of days later whether i'd read the book. i was thinking, since i had nothing going on, might as well just read it. after all, i still had some time to finish my library books. i take it as God's plan, to get me to read what it was.

i finished the book in less than 2 days. honestly, i was greatly inspired. and in a certain way, i wanted to know if it really works for me, especially when i really wanted this job at Medtronics. i went for the 1st interview, and i hadn't have any news about the 2nd interview for almost 3 weeks. i was getting really depressed. the job was possibly the best among all other job interviews i've went! to top it up, the location of the office is like back "home", a neighbor of the Brownland, and most importantly, it's a regional job! even though traveling would only limit within the Asean countries, it would still be a great start for me! i REALLY want this job SUPER DUPER UBER BADLY!!

there was NOTHING about this job that i couldn't handle! not saying it's easy peasy, just that it's only about the product knowledge which i had none. so that would be the main challenge of the job. and also to handle events overseas, with different cultures and all that, yup, it'll be challenging. otherwise, it's nothing really new to me. yes, i SOOOOO want this job.

i couldn't stay in suspense any longer, so i called up the HR last week to check on the status. btw, i've sent 2 emails over the 3 weeks to check on the status but there was no reply. the HR told me that the Director (of some sort) is away on a business trip and would only be back next week, and they haven't went through any shortlisting yet. so if i'm shortlisted, they'll give me a call. Blessed the book, Blessed the Father! those were honey to my ears! i was worried sick, and was lucky to know they haven't went through the shortlisting process!

i'm now feeling so so SO nervous, every single day! one day i havent hear from them, every day i'll drown slowly by the build up anticipation! i wished i could get over and done with asap.

partly, i chose to keep my hopes up high, pinning every single day for this job, was also to prove to myself if the "law of attraction" stated in this book really works. i mean, they have a point that rich people only think about being rich, and not being poor. hence, the rich will gets richer. and now, i feel like there's something i could do to hasten the process....

"what things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." Mark 11:24

suddenly, something struck me, right now, at this very moment..... i think i truly believe, but i'm not behaving like i'm receiving it! perhaps, it'll work......

i don't know if it's the psycho-ing that's working, but i seriously believe this job is mine. i can really FEEL it in my bones. and we shall see.

It was good riddance

2011-08-03T22:41:00.000+08:00

on the fateful 15th July, I was called into my boss's room and she decided to do a review with me. i knew i had somewhat screwed up on a business review and little would i expect my head was actually on the chopping board. so she said she was disappointed in me for my performance and she didn't know if i was interested in the job. till today, i don't know why would she constantly have a perception that i wasn't interested. if i'm not interested, would i have taken up this job despite knowing the company is shifting to Penjuru!?! Duh. well anyways, she said i didnt meet up to her expectations and hence she felt that FMCG industry was not my cup of tea. seriously, who was she to judge whether i was suitable or not. having said that, she paused awkwardly and i had to ask her, "are you suggesting that i leave". she had the cheek to act coy and replied that she was not expecting me to leave within 24 hours but i could either serve a 2 week's notice since i was not confirmed, or a month's notice. i felt slapped in the face.

i held back my tears after i left the office. i was fuming inside. i was glad my colleague was with me and told her everything. her eyes widen in shock, and she looked away, commenting that it was unbelieveable, totally disgusted by the boss. she felt it was unfair that the boss changed my portfolio and then took this excuse to lengthen my probation, and now this. and she did bring up many ways that the boss could've done and needed not to resort to such ways. furthermore, it would sure take more than just 10 months to groom one person. and guess what? i only took on this new portfolio for 3 months.

there was sure many unjustified feelings. i felt lost, as i didn't know what to do next. i volunteered to serve 1 month's notice partly due to my insecurities. i wouldn't know whether i would be able to get a job. and since i could prolonged my stay a little more, it would also mean more money.

after the weekend, i came to terms about it, after lots of praying. and yes, it was His doing. He knew i wasn't happy with work (coz' i spoke to Him before) and this happened. so that weekend, i immediately sent out my resumes. and guess what? i had 4 calls that week to invite me down for interviews! Alleluia! so yup, i felt the immense happiness from within. come to think about it, it was all in good timing. this period was a good time to look for jobs and my skills are possibly in demand right now. the feeling was liberating!

so on goodwill (and some said i shouldn't have, considering how i was being treated), i stayed till yesterday, a good 2 weeks and cleared out my outstanding leaves till the 17th. and i helped to get the monthly reports done for her as well. ain't i nice to that horrible boss?? whether nice or not, i thought i should just fulfill my responsibilities, even if she didn't appreciate it.

and for a parting gift, she made me missed out an interview yesterday. whatever i needed to hand over, the main part of it was already done last week. in fact, i hadn't followed up on anything ever since i was serving notice. so there wasn't much to be handed over actually. yet, at 4:30pm yesterday, she made me sat through with her every single detail of the working process. it's either she really didn't know what to do despite micro-managing me for 10 mths, or she easily lost touch with what went on, which may not be very possible coz' she was micro-managing me all these while! oh well, so yeah, the interviewer called in the midst of the handover and asked if i was on my way. i had no choice but to tell her to postpone the interview, however, she apologetically told me they would reschedule if there's still vacancy. bravo, isn't it? no thanks to that boss. luckily it was an interview that i wasn't too keen but wouldn't mind trying out. otherwise, i would have been in a fit.

so today would be my 1st day lazing at home. as much as i was looking forward to a break, i am also worried how long this break would last. and i'm grateful that my brother has been supportive. i told him briefly what happened and i may require financial help till i secure another job, and he was ready to help me out. he's cool.

i'll be praying for a new job that i would grow, and love, and would have a good team and boss. that's almost the perfect job isn't it? i know it's tough for all criterias to be met, but i feel tht i need a job with a good team and boss. the job may be sucky, but it's the team and boss that would keep me around. and i'm leaving to His hands to guide me through this. and yes, i'll still be sending my resumes.

till then, i'll hang around the house, try to motivate myself to catch up with my housework (i have not been upkeeping my room...), take this opportunity to spend more time with my mum and meet her for dinner, catch up with my movies online, go to the library.... actually, i think i have quite alot of things planned. :D

the Reality starts tomorrow, officially

2011-07-10T23:10:00.000+08:00

when my mum asked me, "how come your job search gets further and further??", i didn't really know what to say other than convincing her that i needed the experience. from tomorrow onwards, i'll be taking the company bus and heading to the new office location: Penjuru Rd. it was possibly my greatest nightmare came true.

you might think that at least there's a company bus to ease the agony. but seriously, nothing beats the convenience after work. who wouldn't want to be located in the central of Singapore? travelling is tiring, and it kills any motivation of having after-work activities. it would possibly takes more than 45 mins to get to town, taking into consideration the jam on AYE and all that crap.

and today, everyone had to go to the new office to test the network, ensuring that Mon would be a smooth working day. ppl i shared this with told me the same thing, "can't you do that on Mon!?!" yes i also know that, however, this company believed that Mon is a working day and hence nothing should be disrupted. oh boy. so since i'm there, might as well unpacked.

there are other contributing factors that made me not so keen to go to work, even though i truly enjoy my work. now to add on to the list: location. the rants can go on, really. and i won't let the ranting go on for too long, coz' i will do something abt it, real soon.

pray for me.

I've woken up.

2011-05-16T16:19:00.001+08:00

I feel stupid. I feel that I’ve been holding on for nothing. After the conversation on MSN last night, I finally came to terms to just move on. I cried again, and it still hurts a lot. Looked like he had already made up his mind all these while. So yes, it was only me still hoping we could get back together.

It’s time to bury the love I had for him all along. It brought tears to my eyes thinking about that.

Every time he popped into my mind, I prayed for him to come back. He finally did, only to come tell me that it’s no longer possible because “I have made that decision back then and he wouldn’t want to hold me back.” Yes, he wanted me to eat my words, and I took the humble pie. No matter how, he wouldn’t want to try to change the situation because he felt that things wouldn’t change. I guess I had caused him much resentment that he concluded I’m someone who’s completely unreasonable, and hence there were little chances of me changing for the better. So ultimately, he felt that I had to change to adapt him… if I couldn’t, then there is no point being together.

Yes, it seemed very much my fault. Perhaps, he felt he hasn’t done anything wrong. Maybe he didn’t, but it took two to clap. He would possibly never admit that he contributed to the breakup. Whatever it is, it’s really over.

I loved him so much more than I thought I did. Even though we seemed to be perpetually arguing, I came to accept that it was our way of communication. That’s partly because we enjoyed good conversations even though we irked each other with different opinions. And despite us having distinct differences in personalities, I was willing to go all out for him. Now, it’s a thing in the past.

It’s so painful; it’s so hard to cope. Even though I know time will heal wounds, the days were so harsh on me. I will learn to cope, and start afresh, by myself. I just hope he wouldn’t come back looking for me in the near future, as I wanted very much to end all feelings that might still be lingering….

I'll be praying. But this time round, I'll be praying for me to get over him.

好想你。。

2011-03-31T21:44:00.000+08:00

yes, i truly missed him.

it has been one month, almost. it did felt longer than that. things happened when i was at my lowest, i hoped he was there. and when i was thinking of someone to chat with on the line, i thought of him, and i missed having someone to talk to on my way home. i missed having to know someone's waiting for my call, or waiting up for me to tell him i'm home safely. most imptly, i truly missed the companionship. after all, it's always heartening to know someone's there for me.

i smell a little trouble

2011-03-19T01:13:00.000+08:00

soon it'll be 6 months to my new job, and that's spell the end of my probation. today, my boss spoke to me. other than work, she spoke to me about my probation. after sharing with me that her sales mgr feedback to her that i didn't really communicate with him, and the sales team didn't feel my "presence felt", i thought i felt stabbed in the back.

yes i agree, i don't seem to be interacting alot purely because I SIMPLY CAN'T FIT IN!! OMG!! it is like bad la! i mean, i don't go around cussing and swearing at every single sentence i speak, nor do i constantly crack yellow jokes! gawd! how can i stoop to that kind of level!? that's like so low class!! and i'm simply not that unrefined! how can i change myself to be that unrefined to that kind of extend just to "bond with the sales team"??!

there's this lady who happened to be one of my predecessor, currently working for another team. she is CRUDE! and i don't like that. as a woman, u don't simply just talk about balls and pussies or nipples just to mingle with guys. yeah, the men there prolly liked it, but puh-lease! that's so degrading! such a pretty lady in her mid-thirties who's married with a 4 year old kid, carrying herself this way?? oh c'mon! she's a funny lady, but i thought trying to be like her is WAY overboard for me. i'm cheeky, but in a civilised way. i don't go around and say things like "tickling her nipples" or "confirm make her shiok down there" or "give him that black hole" etc... gawd! so uncouth! i shudder even typing abt it. i'm not trying to act high-class here. it's only about respecting people and behaving yourself. UPS trained me well. after all, i worked in other local companies before, i have never come across such crude culture like this!

anyway, the sales team have been working together for at least, 6 years and above? i'm only there for 6 months! and they're all Men. how does she expect me to just "blend in"? it definitely takes more than 6 months.. hello!?!?

i guess considering that i come from a "different culture", i am currently deemed to be the outcasted one.

when my PM said the boss is very "pro-Sales team", i took it with a pinch of salt. after all, he ranted and whined alot and put ppl down behind their backs so how to take him seriously, right? but i think i finally see it the way he meant. it became rather obvious the sales mgr is playing dirty, feeding inaccurate information abt me to the boss. otherwise, why would she said i should "make my presence known" or "be louder". i really dislike the way that sales mgr handled this. if he feels a need for me to mingle more with his sales team, he should come to me directly and not tell my boss. yes, it could be my boss just asked him abt me, and he shares with her what he observed and things like that. even so, he should have approached me directly before, or even after he shared with her. he needn't to wait till the boss asked and then he just share "what he knows". and honestly, i doubt my boss even asked him if he has spoken to me about it.

i was complaining this to my ex-boss, ET. she said that it's obvious that i don't sit in with such culture. and considering how the sales mgr tell "things" to my boss, there'll be backstabbing within the team. worse, it's a TEAM of sales against poor little me. so naturally it would demoralizing. so how to stay long? she told me to find some better place. i don't doubt i won't, but there is a need to have the right time. now, i need the experience, and sadly i'm enjoying what i'm doing, perhaps just not the industry. then again, i don't know if other FMCG companies are the same....

my PM resigned and his last day would be end of this month. i didn't expect him to be leaving for real, after all, he kept going on and on and on about he's going to quit but somehow just didn't. so i'll be, erm, fending for myself.
my boss asked me to go think whether i would want to continue with this job or whether this job is suitable for me. i was taken aback. trying to take this positively, she just wants me to make sure this is what i'm expecting and if i can carry on working with them. if i am thinking otherwise, i'm free to go. i thought i felt her bruising my ego.

anyway, as long as i'm in this team, it's beginning to be tougher than i expected. i may have a really nice boss, but a boss who seemed to be listening to her sales team more, then it will be a bigger push factor, other than the rather-low-class-culture.

as what ET says, just take a step at a time. i thought i would give myself at least 3 yrs, but i hoped i could survive till end of Oct... now, that really shows how bad it becoming for me.

single again

2011-03-12T22:21:00.000+08:00

after 15 months of having someone, i'm alone once more. i guess the perks about dating would be not having to worry about whether i would have anything to do for the weekends. even though, yes, when we're together we do have to think of what to do. only difference is, the company - whether or not there is anything to do. even hanging out at his place also beats having to sit around whole day, not knowing what to do or where to go. and worse still, none of friends that've tried contacting would be available. sigh...

all i can say is, start getting used to being alone again.

i'm still here

2011-02-22T22:21:00.000+08:00

wow. little did i realize how long i've stopped writing. many things happened along the way, just that i didn't know what to write, or perhaps, i've beginning to lost interest in writing. even i've neglected the TSK blog. i'm ashamed. but at least now, i doubt any one i know would be keeping track of this blog, and i can blog freely again. :)

i missed UPS, i missed the team so much! i missed having to communicate with them everyday. i missed bitching about stuff, the bosses and any other thing that rubs me on the wrong side.

in this new company, i'm beginning to blend in and get the hang of things. in a blink of an eye, i'm almost 5 months old with this company. it seems that nothing could replace my old UPS team. really nothing.

my bestie has gotten married, after 6 years of stale courtship. when i mean stale, it's really stale. they practically just spend weekend together doing their things, occasionally going out for some window shopping at the neighborhood malls. oh well, as long as it works for them. and i'm glad she finally found a good guy, or at least i hope he would cont'd to be.

jasmine is gonna get married soon too, after just a mere 8 months of courtship. she's 2 months pregnant. even though i felt she's still young and they just got together not long enough, i knew both jasmine and andy are very much in love. most imptly, i don't doubt andy's capabilities to take care of her and his new family. there is nothing wrong with this r'ship, only still too young. perhaps, it doesn't really matter how long they're together, as long as they're willing to brave the storm together. come to think about it, i was once like them, with YM. now i'm only glad i pulled out the last min.

i've been fighting alot with nick. and the more i think abt it, the more i don't think we could be together for long. only holding on was coz' i still love him. but is love all that matters? he doesn't want to guarantee me a future, and i don't pin any more hopes of a future with him. i can't help feeling my clock is ticking, and time is slipping away day by day. should i even be putting more effort to keep this r'ship, or i'm actually better off finding someone else?

now that the skies are clearing, i've resumed jogging. i used to hate jogging so much, but now, i actually don't hate it that much already. cindy's right, it's the cheapest way to stay healthy when there's no money for gym. and for the sake of keeping up my metabolism so i can still keep up my food intake, i decided to cont'd jogging even without cindy's company. i even brought Scrabbie for a run with me. he needed the run even though he's 11 yrs old already. most imptly, i liked the feeling of perspiration, knowing my heart is thumping, and the blood in circulating. in fact, i actually felt good after my run, even if it's only half an hr and covered a small distance of approximately 4km. i hope i can keep up with it in the long run.

alright, it's time to hit the bed. good night.

Till we meet again, UPS

2010-10-05T21:21:00.000+08:00

today is the fateful day that i leave UPS. it seemed like a long wait, or some said it is so soon. as i am the one serving my notice, i am actually hoping time would past faster. ha! and yesterday, i was even running temperature due to a sore throat! luckily, i broke out of the fever by the night and was feeling much better this morning. otherwise, an MC today, and i have to come back tomorrow. Eww!

i left UPS with their love and a warm fuzzy feeling in the tummy. when i received a personal call from my director to tell me i'll be greatly missed and that i've brought him much entertainment and amusement in his life, i believe i've left my mark in this company, in UPS marketing. my lunch khakis did a scrapbook calendar for me and it was awesome! and in addition, the whole team chipped in and got for me a very nice swatch watch! and it's not even my bday yet... haha... i'll prolly regret leaving these great colleagues and bosses in time to come, but i just have to move on. and i'm glad i left in a good note.

this place is still a great place to be in, maybe hope when the time is ripe, i get to be back. it's my own wishful thinking but i hope that would come true... just one fine day....

i (dun) love UPS, and i Love my colleagues.

farewell, take care... i'm sure i'll miss you guys, real loads.

a narrow escape

2010-09-16T20:21:00.002+08:00

i just received some insider news what would happened to the current team. as a few of us are leaving, either to other jobs or out of the company, the team is in a limped. so they need to shuffle some people across Mktg to fill in the missing gaps. some got promoted in a result, and some would be transferred. and i was told who would to take over the manager. it is not confirmed but it's highly likely now...

i havent heard any good reviews about her as a supervisor, what's more of being a manager. seriously, we really need someone who is really strong in their product knowledge in order to sit that throne. otherwise, it'll be history repeating itself for another time. i don't know how the current supervisors going to cope with that. no, they don't eye on the manager's seat, only very worried about having incompetent leaders.

so i guess this give me another reason to support my decision to leave. honestly, if i have chosen to stay and receive my promotion, i don't think i would last as well. :)

all the best to my teammates...

finally... a change

2010-09-08T22:20:00.002+08:00

wow, i didn't realize i haven't blogged for ages. i guess it just happens, where you are pretty much caught up with your own stuff and forgotten a place where you can pen your thoughts. i never forget this site, actually. just didn't know what to write.

after hunting for greener pastures for 8 full months, my prayers are finally answered. i couldn't have been more relieved. patience have paid off, at last. i went through many emotional struggles choosing between a promotion or pursuing a passion, and i came to a conclusion that i wanted to fight for my passion. at times i almost gave up hope. no response, no favorable positions, repeated positions which i had no interest in... and i did what i could: tweaked my resume or cover letter, changing the way i write... i was even on the verge to accept a pay cut so that i could give prospective employers a reason to employ me. it was painful. i'm glad i could put all these behind me now, and look forward to the future.

like i'd shared with a few friends, i wouldn't have give a second thought or seek a second opinion if i have to stay in this company. the environment is conducive, and i like the company culture. most imptly, i am pretty comfortable. the only downside for me is i am not doing something i wanted. i very much wanted to do brand comms. i waited and waited. and after 2.5 yrs, i finally waited for an opening. however, i was not what they're looking for. i couldn't help being angry, really. after all, the company claimed they would place priority to internal candidates. only when they'd selected external candidate, i came to realize that the internal search was only "for show". honestly, i really didn't think this company's brand comms a tough job. all they had to do was to teach, but it did show me that they are not willing to. so be it.

the other position i would be interested was Product, doing mainly retail. however, the person who was currently in the job had been in the job for as long as i could remember. unless she got rotated out (which somehow didn't seem to be the case), i wouldn't stand any chance. so should i be waiting for another 2.5yrs or longer for that position? what if it didn't come and i end up doing something else, again, not what i wanted? well, i would have wasted a good 5 years of my faltering youth.

having to weigh many different options, i gathered that moving out would be the best for me. after all, the marketing functions in this company had been vastly diversified till each team would be specialized in just one area. it'll be favourable to old birds who have already explored all aspects of marketing, and not to some green horn like me who needs the experience rather than specializing it.

finally, i've found a company who is willing to take in greenies like me and give me the training i need, give me a small pay increment, and promises me a job scope which compromises of everything i am looking for (or even more), i am sold. even though i have gone through pretty arduous series of interview (which includes some presentation and report) till i am beginning to think i am not good enough, not cut out for it. but it is all worth it.

"Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes." - Buddha

yes, perseverance paid off. no one said it is easy but i'm glad to say i've, at last, steered my career to the path that i wanted it to grow. now, i can celebrate. i've ended a long journey of searching for what i wanted to do, wasted at least 5 years of my youth trying to make a detour, spending on what needs to get me on the "right track", and i'm glad to say, "i've did it!".

i'll be tendering tomorrow. honestly, even though i'm happy that i gotten my dream job, i feel the same sadness about leaving. after all, my bosses are great people who saw my potential and valued me as a staff. and i am working with the best team of colleagues. very cohesive, very close and bonded. they're really the best bunch of people i've met in all my years of working. i know i would missed them deeply.

sigh...

i will cont'd to embrace the future, and with caution. i will try not to have any expectations of the new environment and the new people i'll work with, and to have an open heart and mind to accept a new place, a new career - the career i've always wanted.

cheers.

will it going to be good...?

2010-06-09T23:14:00.000+08:00

as some of you may know, i'm looking elsewhere to pursue my interest in marketing. the job i'm doing right now has nothing to do with marketing, even though it was in under the marketing umbrella. job hunt was never fun and it gets really depressing when you knew the resumes that you sent out, you didnt get any response. then you start to get angry with employers who just dont give newbies like you a chance to prove your worth, and think whether you'll get to realize your goals after all... the internal job transfer seemed to take forever and i'm getting really sick of my current job.

just when things seemed to look dull and hopeless, i finally saw a glimmer of hope. after waiting for 2yrs and 3 months, there is a position opened for Advertising. yes, i went for it.

my interview would be this coming Fri, at 2pm, with the Advertising manager. the only down side is, the person who got promoted from this position would be sitting in the interview too. she is JY. and recently, words of her bad reputation are circulating. weird that she'll be sitting in as one of the hiring managers though... unless it'll be like what my boss has speculated: this position would be reporting to her. if that would be true, i'll be quite darned.

there're alot of considerations now: the boss i'll report to in future, the position, giving up my current job prospects and opportunities that have been promised and slowly taking into place. i know one thing for sure that if it's a lateral shift, i will not take up this advertising position. with that future boss who feels threatened by people who're better than her and hence limit their chance of promotion, i would better off staying where i am right now, as i'm so close to a Supervisor position. a lateral shift would means i'm really starting all over again, starting off where i was 2 years ago, and possibly needs another 2 yrs or more to prove myself worthy for a Supervisor position. however, if it's a grade promotion, it would be worth considering....

my boss is obviously worried for me. even though she doesn't want me to leave now, but she would not stand in my way to pursue my interest. yes, it's a choice between a career and interest.

if you're in my shoe, what would you choose?

i hope he heard us said goodbye...

2010-05-16T19:22:00.000+08:00

i have an paternal uncle who was born dumb and deaf. and from the day i knew he was this special, somehow i had my reservations. perhaps, i didn't know how to react or how to communicate with him. nobody taught me how. and he didn't communicate with me much.

based on my knowledge, i only knew he did odd-jobs for a living. he wasn't married, and pretty much dependent on his unmarried elder sisters and parents. he smoked and drink heavily.

during my teens, i somehow disliked him. perhaps i was influenced by my mother, whom wasn't always welcoming his uninvited presence. no, he didn't stay in my house, but he would popped by quite often enough to take a snooze after some heavy drinking sessions with his odd-job friends. he couldn't go home drunk as he knew he would get a lecturing or probably grounded. so he had to sleep away the alcohol. some times, he would snooze for a good 4 to 6 hours before finally heading home for dinner. and he would always borrow a couple of dollars from my mum (or me, when i got older), for his bus ride home when he was ready to leave. my mum may be irritated, but we took pity on him and gave him what he needed. there were times where my mum would cook for him as he was hungry as he spent his last dollar on his beers. i'd seen my parents communicated with him in gestures, and i caught up a few. it wasn't fantastic but it was good enough to get my message to him.

as you can see, he wasn't the aspiring special guy around who could've achieved something big for himself.

i grew up and gradually felt that he's a pitiful character. he didn't choose to be born special. finally, he ended his miseries at age 55.

it all started with a lump in his throat and he had difficulty swallowing. only to find out that the lump was cancerous. i have no idea what happened, until i met him during one of my CNY visitings to my unmarried aunties. he was confined in his room, by the window, which an oxygen tank and a clear pipe going through his nose. i nodded at him and he acknowledged in response. i thought he didn't look too bad as yet. it was barely 5 months, and he said goodbye.

it was a long day today. early this morning, we sent the coffin to the crematorium, and collected his ashes 4 hours later. then we sent it to the temple, his final resting place, residing together with my grandparents.

on our way home, my dad blurted out saying how life just ended at aged 55. and i commented that it was better for him to end his miseries. and my dad cont'd saying how amusing his younger brother was, that he refuses to go under the knife to cut out his tumour. apparently, he had very little tolerance to pain. so i guessed his siblings left him at his decision, and his life slowly slipped away. my dad also said when he got to his hospital, he has left. i can't help feeling sad about this.

my brother and i were discussing how he could've been different, despite his disabilities. yes, i agree, it was his choice to be indulging in smokes and alcohols. however, i believed his upbringing played a part of who he was today. he wasn't given a "fair chance" per se, as it was uncommon to be special at his era. naturally, he would be outcasted.

oh well, he has left for good now. even though i'm totally not close to him, he's still an uncle who watched me grew up for the past 25 years. it is somewhat a loss, a kin, even if he didn't impact my life. nevertheless, every death i've met reminded me to appreciate the life i have, and how much we should treasure the loved ones around us. my heart wrenched when i saw his coffin was pushed into the incinerator...

if his soul is watching over us, i hope he heard us saying our final goodbye.

i've made up my mind

2010-04-11T23:09:00.000+08:00

after pondering for so long, i've came to a conclusion that i would want to seek positions which are pertaining to the real spectrum of marketing. i'll still be continuing with my current job and wouldn't quite without another job down the pipeline. i've done up my resumes and sent a few out over the past 2 weekends. honestly, my chances are slim. i don't know how long i have to wait... maybe 6 months? hope i would have at least a few interviews....

i saw a job vacancy for Pricing Analyst at NOL, the pay range looks good. i was a little drawn by it. but i guess i wouldn't blew my only chance to get back on track just yet. oh well... it's the waiting game.

at the meantime, i'll try for my MAPP (i.e. the interview for promotion) and see if i would be granted a job rotation soon. and as for the rest, i can only hope and pray.

on MC

2010-04-06T00:41:00.000+08:00

last night i had a probing headache, and a real bad one. i hadn't have those kind of headaches for the longest time. and worse still, i had to cont'd some really unhappy conversation with Nick. not at all very helpful...

i didnt take any medicine and went to sleep, believing that it'll be alright by morning. i was slightly wrong. i woke up with a headache at the left side of my head - a migraine. seriously, i didn't know how that developed into a migraine. all i knew was it felt as if someone punched my head and it was THAT painful. i knew i had to call in sick. after that, i popped a pill and went to rest some more. surprisingly, i woke up 4 hours later, i was fine already.

so yar, i had been at home nuahing, sourcing for some jobs.....

okay, i better go sleep already. i'll take another panadol jux in case it comes back tomorrow morning. ha...

i've come to a cross junction...

2010-03-28T22:16:00.000+08:00

i've been with the current company for 2 years, doing what i'm doing for 2 years already. i would say, i'm good at what i'm doing. and the company is a good place for their employees to grow. fellow teammates and bosses are what made our stay worthwhile. perhaps its due to our job nature, it made us gel better as we could relate to each other on the daily basis.

reality sets in. they gave me a reasonable pay increment this year, however, it's just not enough. and hence i'm forced to make a decision.... soon.

i've figured out 3 options for me:

1) to find a greener pasture, doing the same thing.

with that, i'm quite sure i would be able to request for a 30 to 40% increment. the work i'm doing right now is relatively niche and not alot of people enjoy working with numbers.

2) find a job which is related to my degree, however, pay may be stagnant.

i've completed my degree for 3 months already, and time is ticking. in fact, if it wasnt what i decided that i want to do communications related work, i wouldn't have made the decision to go back to school.

3) stay and wait for internal job transfer.

it wasn't too long after i joined this company, headcount froze for nearly 2 years. recession came in, pay froze too, and everyone grit their teeth and was grateful we still have our jobs. despite the recession, we had a small variable bonus payout and our usual AWS too. so we couldn't ask for too much.

however, times are slowly regaining back to normal. so most of us are expecting proper rewards. and i guessed most of us are pretty disappointed.

i know if i hang out long enough, i would be given an opportunity to move to other departments, ONLY when there's a headcount available. it could be created or people left. and movement may be lateral - same position, same pay, same rewards. of coz' if i pass my supervisory interview, the movement may be upwards. but that headcount in the other department may not be a supervisory headcount... hence it could either be lateral transfer or stay put in my current dept. and if i stay put in my current dept, if i get promoted, there might be a chance where i get to be posted to HK for an undefined duration. this offer used to be enticing, but with my current situation, i'm not all that keen anymore.

so how?

i know it depends whether i would view monetary rewards more than job satisfaction. but both are closely intertwined.

age is catching up and i don't have much time to play around. and i believe the next step i would take determines my lifelong career. and that's not something i want to trifle with.

i'm back!!

2010-03-23T22:50:00.001+08:00

as most of you know, my laptop crashed. i guess the motherboard was overheated and one fine day it refuses to boot up. sigh. pretty unexpected though. and spending for a new laptop was totally unexpected as well. after all, i had other plans for that bonus.... heart pain, definitely.

life's pretty much the same, only that i think i have been really discipline on myself for the past few months: no shopping. some may protest coz' i did some shopping for CNY but that was like the most last minute thing can. the next day was the eve of CNY and i just went shopping for clothes. Nick accompanied me the whole time, running from store to store. so ya, that was the only one time after a few months of cold spell. i haven't been online to look at clothes, anything! basically, there was no retail therapy.... it's sad, really. coz' i need that once in a while to keep myself sane and happy. and i don't think i'm that happy now.... i'm constantly thinking how to clear my outstanding debts.

i have a pay increase. it's a mere 10%, good for some, but not too enough for me. still, it's extra cash and i should be happy about it. well, sort of.... it's a good bait to keep me in the same company for another 6 months or so.... actually i'm quite sick of what i'm doing. i guess it's about time that i would go pursue what i set out to do since the start of my degree, now that i'd graduated.

i'm setting out to clear my credit bills. right now, paying my own commitments and the household is taking up nearly 3/4 of net pay. it's really very heavy for me now. so every month, i don't managed to save. every last cent is accounted for. i'm so sick of it. so i've decided to take up a PT job, as a tuition teacher to earn the extra cash so i can save for rainy days. i need that money, just in case of any emergency. i may have a savings plan but i don't have intention to touch that money. what i need is Cash. and i may approach my brother for a loan.... not a small sum but i had to do it, rather than having the interest charge. now, all i have to do is ask.... but i don't know where to start. it's so embarassing....

and i've already postponed my dive trip to sipadan, and also pursuing further for diving.
if i don't clear these bills in time, i think i can forget about getting married. time frame: 2 years. that's all i'm giving myself; not to get married but to clear everything. i just want the feeling to know i'm debt-free.

i can't wait.....

A brand new year...

2010-01-10T01:07:00.004+08:00

i've resumed work after a good 6 working days of break from x'mas. i would say the impromptu plan of the long break due to leftover leaves turned out to be the best break i ever had in all my working experience. it's nice to be waking up late, bumming around abit, and basically your mind is free from work. and just before the break was coming to an end, i began to feel a little work-sick coz it was getting boring doing nothing much the whole day. and ta-da, time to go back to work. i guessed it was rare to be actually looking forward to work again. :)

the 1st week of work for a new year wasn't too bad. of coz', there're some issues at work which sort of making things tough, but they're just work stuff. and it happened every year. so having to work for nearly 2 years with the company, i wasnt caught off-guard. in fact, getting quite used to it after understanding the whole work process (even new ones).

anyways, this year gonna be a funfilled year and a year of travelling for me. the planned (and some confirmed) events as follows:

i'll be heading to Philippines this coming week and would be away from the 15th and back on the 19th. this would be my 1st diving trip of the year!
in Feb, i'll be going to Tioman for Open Season Dive
Jun/Jul is planned to go to Cambodia for some charity work.
mid-Jul, i'll be going to Sipadan for dive trip! yippee!!
mid-Sept, i'll be heading to Bali for dive trip! yippee!!

yes i know, this is definitely not the 1st time i'm repeating this. but this serves more like a reminder to me, so there are things to look forward to and continue to stay happy. :D

amidst of all those fun, i have only about 5 to 6 days of leave left for the year, not counting in the cambodia trip. as we still do not have the itinerary out yet, i would have to keep those leave aside for this. if the charity trip didnt come through (or i didnt managed to go as there's some possibility it may clash with my diving trip), i wouldnt mind clearing another block leave end of this year! hehehe... oh well, see how it goes!

Hua is married

2009-12-30T15:32:00.004+08:00

after a 4-years long relationship, Hua tied the knot with Justin yesterday.

as friends, we helped out in every way possible and ensured the day went on smoothly. and i was glad to say that it did. i didnt remember if there was any major hiccups. all i noticed was the bride got extremely exhausted after the 1st half of the day. nevertheless, we could feel her happiness to go through this day.

despite it was slightly drizzling at night, Hua insisted to get soleumnization done by the poolside. only her intimate close friends and relatives were there to witness this sacred event. of coz', the guests were sheltered.

right after, it was time to throw her bouquet. and guess what? I CAUGHT THE BOUQUET! how quaint. tmd. either i was standing at the prime spot or it could be the way she threw her flowers. it was so right in my face! if i didn't catch it, it would land on the floor. and the photographer drilled us that the bouquet MUST not land on the floor. is that fate? i don't know.... when i caught it, the photographer snapped and snapped away... congrats filled my ears. i was like WTF.... looked like i have to quickly find someone and fulfill the prophecy of this tradition. and so much of me wanting to enjoy more... hehehe...

it's slowly sinking in that Hua's married. and i need to get used to her addressing Justin as "my husband" and not "my boyfriend".

well, i'm still glad i'm a Miss and not a Missus.

nop, not very good

2009-12-27T15:17:00.004+08:00

i guess it's not exactly a brilliant idea to get ex-gf and new gf to be in a same place, at the same table. i could tell she wasn't in her best moods when she saw me, and neither did i gave her my megawatt smile. no, i don't think i'm glad to see her even though i've seen her pictures before.

it had been more than a year since i last stepped into Double O, prolly for the last time till it closes and moved to a new premise. i was hoping i would get some fun with the usual bunch of people. unfortunately, i guessed i hoped for too much. no, it's not the same.

the night started off pretty alright, but was kind of awkward. no, it's not seeing YM and his new gf weird. i never felt weird with YM, nor having to see who's his latest squeeze. imagine this scenario: YM and his gf and new clique at one corner of the club, and i was with YM's old bunch of friends at the other corner. for some reason, "merger" wasn't allowed. so ended up, YM would come over with some friends who knew us, and we would occasionally popped by at their table. that was pretty stupid. thankfully, i didn't know who finally came to their senses, both cliques were sharing the same table.

of coz', being the sensitive me and reading her body language throughout the night, no, i wasn't too welcome. she would scoot off somewhere with or without YM. i didn't blame her. that was a normal reaction i expected. i was only surprised she didnt hissed at me. HAHA! of coz', i observed something else which i thought it's not a norm.... well, if u want to know, u can PM (private message) me. anyone but YM. sorry babe, not you. hehe...

YM's friends were expecting catfights. hehehe.... i was glad i had been civilized the whole night. i kept my distance with both of them and that was only right. so she should be coming round and thank me for being nice and "automatic". :P yes i know, i'm a bitch. loving myself to the bits! tee hee!

Kailing knew what i had in mind... heh heh.... but no, it's all say-say only. i have a mean bone but i didn't have to activate it. i believe she's a nice girl, even though i expected more from YM's taste though... :P Kidding!!!

the night didn't end very well. Jacob was barely sober, became emotional and almost got in a quarrel with YM. that's like so WTF. i could only guessed what was going on even though i had to calm down YM and the other boys who was stopping Jacob from saying whatever he wanted to say. oh please, so juvenile! why did they have to take whatever he's gonna say so seriously? he was in his drunk stupor and the last thing could be taken into consideration was what he would say. so just let him say lar! duh! as if raising voice at him would help the situation.

YM and sister went back to the club, Kailing and Jason escorted Jacob back home. as for me, i called on early for the night as well. well, not too early too: 2.30am.

to sum it up, no, i didn't really enjoyed myself. it could've been better la. perhaps with the "proper company", things would've been different. and there is also a possibility that i'm getting detached from all these clubbing scenes. rather than clubbing, i would appreciate good company chilling out at some pub or coffee joints. even steamboat would be much more enjoyable than yesterday.

like i was telling YM earlier, i felt i was getting old already. i doubt i could still keep up with the young scenes anymore. he's with a young girl now so he'll be forever young. HAHA.... bad pun.

clubbing: so a thing in the past.

random thoughts

2009-12-20T19:03:00.002+08:00

has been more than 1 month since my last update. nothing much to say though - life's pretty much the same.

just celebrated jacob's bday at Beach Cabana yesterday. the meeting was long overdue. and i'm glad that we had our share of laughing fits, and also some long chats which ended around 4am. nothing felt better than having fun all over again.

seeing YM there again didn't put me in an awkward position. in fact, i was just glad we could still talk like we used to. only thing was that he was into his old habits, checking soccer updates. really unnecessary. of coz, seeing him again brought back good old memories.... set me thinking.... but i just pushed them away. things were slightly different already, so there wasn't a point.... then i wouldn't deny i missed him somehow. now, i only wished he would be happy with his new-found love. if it was meant to be, it would.

counting down 2 more days to my block leave..... 2 more days and i'll bid goodbye to the working world for the year! how exciting that would be! and 1 more month to my holiday to Philippines!! hoo boy, i sure know how to get myself out of an emo state. hahaha....

i guess when u're single, u would be totally dependent on yourself to make yourself happy. nothing's bad about that. in fact, i thought i would appreciate myself better. :)

Class 95 was playing all 80s weekend. Summer Rain reminded me of the days at Double O.... so much fun.... if i would go there again, how would it still feel....

maybe i should go, before it shuts down for good...

i'm loving it!

2009-11-12T22:34:00.002+08:00

i know I haven’t been updating for a good long while. After I came back from my dive trip, I had to tone myself down and tune back to working life and most importantly, my final exam.

The whole of October was exciting to me: progression to get my open water license, my birthday, and then a pretty last minute Halloween. Basically, October was a good month where I started to explore a whole new world underwater, feeling pretty princessy on my birthday and getting to know my family all over again. Ive never felt better, and found new motivation in life. things seemed to get better than many years ago... and i'm feeling happy.

Other than that, just before my final exam, my mid-term results released and gotten a really pleasant surprise: I got a distinction for my test! Couldn’t have been better for me and it’s really encouraging! And after sitting for my exam, I’m hoping I can still maintain my distinction. Then again, I would prolly forget that I had my exam coz’ the results would be out 1 month later. And then, the whole butterflies-in-tummy feeling would surge through me all over again! Sigh….

Anyways, 1st thing to look forward to: MY BLOCK LEAVE!! YAY!!! From 23 Dec ’09 to 3 Jan ’10! Ultimate NUAHzzzz! Never did this EVER in my working life. So SHIIIIIOK!! Also, I can prepare for Hua’s wedding too…. :D

Another thing to look forward to next year: I’ve 3 dive trips!! WOOOOT!!

Jan – Advance test at Subic Bay
Jul – Leisure dive at Sipadan, Msia
Sept – Leisure dive at Bali

Best part??? I’ve gotten the air fares on promotion!! For all 3 dives, my air tickets in toto are less than $230!! How?? AirAsia is having a promotion for free airfares, and I got it!! So I only paid the taxes! How cool that is!!!! WOOOOOT~~~!

Happy sha lalala… it’s so nice to be happy!

I’ve already planning to book my leave when the new year starts and would have about 5 days of leaves left. Im gonna keep those 5 days till end of the year or for other planning. If not, I would take block leave like I’m doing for this year!

So pleased with myself coz’ I’m finally doing things on my own, and really just concentrate to make myself happy. I guess it’s times like this I would appreciate myself better and make sure I lived my life to its fullest. rather than doing something out of obligation, this is pure enjoyment. somehow, i'm beginning to be optimistic about the upcoming year...

maybe i may consider gaining my instructor license, if i can... coz' there's actually instructor allowance upon graduation on freelance basis. i can do good with some extra cash. :)

shouts I'M A CERTIFIED DIVER!!

2009-10-20T13:54:00.002+08:00

YES YES!! I PASSED MY TEST AND I CAN OFFICIALLY DIVE!!

the adrenaline of that feeling came pretty late actually. when i'd successfully completed the last 2 skills, it didn't sink in that i've passed. i surfaced, and i still wasn't feeling this exhilarated. perhaps all these while i didn't see it as a test per se, but rather a real diving experience.

nevertheless, i did it! it's an awesome present i've gotten for myself.

of coz', not forgetting some bruises and coral cuts i had inflicted while diving. for my virgin dive, i wanted to see if i could do without Gerald's glove he loaned me. well, i lost my balance in water and landed on a coral which had pretty rough surface. i wanted to grab it to keep my balance, in the end, i scratched myself. no blood, as it was more like paper cuts. still, it stung underwater. after that, i had his gloves on with me for every dive.

the pictures are uploaded in my facebook, so go have a look. they're combined with those taken by my instructors. looking back, that was such a great memory, great way to mark my 25th bday.

next, i want to go further to get my Advance too.... i'm targeting somewhere mid-next year... hopefully those girls who went with me be gamed for that!

October....

2009-10-04T19:23:00.007+08:00

We're in October already! Mun had celebrated her bday already, and soon it'll be my turn. getting a little excited somewhat, even though it's not entirely exciting about being a year older. yes, yes, Gerald will say "age is just a number..." who he's kidding man!? he's like in self-denial la... anyway, age doesn't bother men, in general. coz' women gets the impact of feeling like a withered flower, not men! imagine having to face up with wrinkles, saggy boobs, menopause and loose skin everywhere. gawd... the thought of being older is daunting... :(

anyways, i'll be going to Tioman to attain my Open Water dive cert. that's like the whole highlight of the year! and i'm going for my confined pool diving this coming weekend. so SO exCITING!!!!! but, i'm not done with mugging for the theory test. :P

i wanted to extend my trip on Tioman, however it seemed like it's not possible. 1stly, we cant reside at Island Reef resort, so i won't get to see Ronnie or put fireworks; 2ndly, Jacob isnt keen as we had to stay at Happy Inn, which he claimed that the condition is not up to standard. i've already taken leave, now i'm wondering if i should just cancel it or just do something by myself. spa at Batam sounds inviting.... :)

anyway, yesterday was mid-autumn festival. it was raining in the day so there was no moon at night. even so, we were glad it stopped raining in the evening and we went to meet up at Sembawang Park. it's so blardy far for me la! and that stupid bro of mine couldn't loan his darn car. then again, it's not very nice to get all of them to meet me in the east when i was the only joker who stayed in the east in that group. oh well...

Jason was at the park fishing at the jetty. so all of us went there to accompany him, while we sat there and chatted. it was like freaking crowded on the beach: families and friends were playing with sparklers and lanterns, lighted up the whole park (of coz', we just added on to the PSI level). laughters were heard at almost every corner of the park. most importantly, for the 1st time, i saw people putting Kong Ming Lantern up to the sky! it was a great sight! and i thought it was amazing that i saw Malays joining in the fun and sending the Lantern up to the sky as well! i guess it felt good to know i'm living in a country which successfully stressed Racial Harmony into the society.

we bought some food, paper lanterns, lots of candles, fire sparklers, and of coz' beer, to accompany us for the night. not forgetting the mooncakes. we chatted, sang, laughed and thoroughly enjoyed the company. it was a great gathering, despite that we didn't managed to have a BBQ as there were no more pits available. so next week, we hope the BBQ would be successfully carried out.

so i guess this month would be funfilled for me. i'm glad actually. :D and may i have more funfilled months to come!

really tired

2009-09-10T22:15:00.001+08:00

i'll be on leave tomorrow, planned to be mugging for my mid-sem test on Sat. today i went to work earlier than usual as i've some really urgent bids to clear. in addition, i had quite alot of stuff which had to get it off my hand by today. still, the usual 8 working hours were still not enough... so i worked overtime, stretching my working time to more than 12 hours. i was so drained.... yet when i left the office, i couldn't bear to go on leave because i knew my work were still pending.

from the start of the week, i was already hounded by alot of work. worked late almost everyday and to one point in time, i almost wanted to break down. if it wasn't due to my PMS, i wouldn't have felt this way. so much work, so little time, and i felt like drowning. sometimes the moment i reached to the office, sat on my desk, i didnt know which to start 1st. hated that feeling coz' i knew my gears were not ready for the day. it'll usually take a while but by then you knew it, almost the morning was gone... sigh.

i guess i'll sleep in till late morning tomorrow, have a good bfast and whisk myself off to the library to do some serious studying. that's prolly the only place on earth which would get me in the study mood. perhaps, like old times, i'll travel to Marine Parade library to study. what about my room? too cosy!

alright, hope all goes well for my studying in the day and i'll meet Bel and Mun for dinner.

it's going to be Friday again, and it gets me all excited just thinking about it. yes, i'm still smiling despite being awfully drained. the only killjoy for now: that stupid test.

maybe PMS-ing

2009-09-06T18:16:00.000+08:00

havent been updating for a while... lack of the proper brain juice to blog. then again, nothing much happening around me though...

life's pretty much a bore right now, so sucked into my daily routine over the week. other than work over the weekdays, gym and hanging out with angmoh on Sat, and ultimate nuahz and cleaning up my room on Sun, nothing else is on the list. now i don't really go for weekly drinking with the boys in my company coz i'm just not too keen about that. also, i realize tht if i would to stay up late on Fri plus some booze, i can't really catch up my breathe during workout at gym.

anyways, i'm having some muscle aches on my thighs and my arms. i told angmoh, and he laughed at me, commenting that i only exercise once a week so i can't expect much. tmd. and he was rolling his eyes when i told him i only exercised once a week! wah lau, what's wrong with that lor!?! at least i exercise right? riiiight??? bleah!

sigh. it'll be nice to have someone i can cuddle with right now... pout. oh well...

and i dread to know it's Sept already, and Gerald had to remind me that my bday is coming soon. i so don't want to turn 25 lar! yes, even though age is just a number, but you can't just be totally oblivious to it. especially when you know you'll get wrinkles, saggy boobs, and maybe residing hairlines. and most importantly, youth is already becoming a history chapter in your life. hmm, not entirely very exciting to grow old. unless, i'm making big bucks to indulge myself in Spa, endless short getaways, and collagen, then perhaps it'll be slightly different. will i ever get to that mark? well, it'll be a reasonable long-term goal. so for now, just whine. =P

okay, i think i should stop whining abit and go get myself some dinner. hmm, what should i eat?

on a serious note...

2009-08-22T00:30:00.004+08:00

i guess i always tend to know things that i shouldn't know and in the end, i had sworn secrecy over it. it's not about the secret i have to bear with me to the grave, but more of the question to something else: why do people get married? do they get married becoz' of love or out of obligations? or it's a mixed of both?

there are just so many questions going through my mind right now, so tough to organize them.

"don't marry someone you can live with; marry someone you can't live without", is that true or it's just a saying? when you're told that he/she never felt this way with his/her partner in a marriage before, you start to wonder if this person married for the right reasons. and do they even think hard enough before taking the plunge? or it's a matter of "going with the flow..."? then again, is it that difficult to maintain the kind of sparks in a marriage? when there're no more sparks, does that spell the end of a marriage, regardless how much the couple went through?

things like that makes me wonder and eventually gets cynical. it's no wonder why some people would end up being single for the rest of their lives. hearing stories like these doesn't give singles like me any kind of security. yes, anything could've happen. but when you're being told that, "this is not just a fling and we're serious about each other" despite being married, values taught to stay faithful to a marriage is no longer there. i'm not implying these people have no values; it's that people would be more willing to follow their heart than doing what's right or wrong anymore.

sometimes i wonder is it because as we aged, we tend to do things with our heart than with the head. after all, time is ticking away and we began to realize how important it is to be truly happy with what we have and achieve for things we don't. yet back then in our younger days, we sincerely think that we have the whole life to spend.

for me, i realize i'm slowly switching from a head-person to a heart-person. things i've done are right out of my heart, respecting how i felt and act upon what my heart tells me to do. unbashfully, i felt good when it's done right out from the heart even though consequences can be nasty. but i think as long as you don't end up letting yourself down, there shouldn't have any regrets. same goes to marriage - it should be what i want deep down, and not what i have i do. ultimately, happiness and love inter-twines each other. and yes, i want to be happy, for as long as it would last.

like duh.

I'm Unpatriotic

2009-08-10T23:25:00.000+08:00

I was pretty much used to spending time alone at home most of my weekends. only some nights, i'll go drinking with "the lads" from UPS who gladly treated me as "one of the lads". just chill and chat, and chat some more... so usually i would just sleep in the day, woke up in in the afternoon, do some chores and clean that smelly dog, and then watched TV. so i was happily hooked on the Taiwanese variety shows till i realized it was already 9pm: the National Day Parade was over. shit.

there was so much hype about getting everyone possible to say the pledge at 8.22pm sharp. i thought it was a great idea to get the nation involved, even though they may not be watching the parade at home. i mean, for once, feel Singaporean. i guess i was too engrossed with my own entertainment till i totally forgotten about it. seriously, missing the huge part of the parade is one thing, i literally skipped the whole damn thing. i'm ashamed. how i know i missed the parade? i happened to switch back to the local channels, and i saw the news came on with some snapshots of the parade. great.

i didn't even know the parade ends at 9pm lor... so wrong of me. i should be packing my bags and migrate to Sentosa.

i went to watch the preview with my mum quite a few years ago. even though it was only the preview, i thought watching the parade live beats having to watch from the black box. Bellie had the tix, for actual day (mind you), and she too, totally enjoyed the whole event. i'm like so envious can! as long as the parade would be held at the floating platform, chances of getting the tix are less than 1%. why? think about it: all participants in the parade would be given 4 to 6 tix. that's prolly a good quarter of the seats taken. and then, another quarter of the tix are given to members of parliament and all those important people. so what are remaining? you go fig.

then again, even though i missed the whole national parade thing, i still love where i'm born and bred. and i feel so part of Singapore when i sing those songs myself while bathing okay! i may be "unfilial" to not catch the parade and celebrate as a nation, but this is Home: Bedok North Street 1, thank you.

if you find another Bedok North Street 1 in Zimbawe, there must have been some mistake....

it all makes sense now...

2009-08-02T18:39:00.002+08:00

i guess, sometimes all we have to do is to wait. waiting alone can be really frustrating, especially when most of the time i don't know what's going on and things like that. 2 months of waiting, in vain, and it all comes quite clear to me already. it's all in a game i'm trapped in. selfish people lay some emotional games and rolled me in willingly, at the end of the day, i'm glad i managed to get myself out of it.

2 months of emotional torture finally ends.

i hope things would still maintain its professionalism and i promise i'll keep to my end of the deal.

hopefully, that'll be the last i'll hear of him, on a personal note.

Never explain yourself to anyone
Because the person who likes you doesn’t need it
And the person who dislikes you won’t believe it

Don’t let someone become a priority in your life
When you are just an option in their life
Relationships work best when they are balanced

We make those who care for us cry
We cry for those who never care for us
And we care for those who will never cry for us

courtesy of Gerald Lim... :)

a new look!!

2009-07-15T20:54:00.005+08:00

this is the only pic i have now.... haha... hope i can pull off this new hairstyle! :)

higher 'maintenance' now, coz' i have to set my fringe right every morning. so means, more time needed...

it's a whole lot of getting use to, and it's beginning to sink into me. somehow, i'm beginning to like it... haha... well, it's a good try! and i'm glad i did it... :D

i'm jinx!

2009-07-05T16:14:00.001+08:00

my jinx powers are at work, again! everytime when i want to do something about my tanning, it had to rain, no-sun, or my period has to come. ARGH!

it's so uncanny and frustrating. when i finished my gym classes yesterday, i wanted to change into my bikini and tanned under the sun by the pool. before i went to class, i saw the sun and was THAT excited. can't wait to finish my classes and work on my tan. HOWEVER, when i took out my bikini from the gym locker, Mei Mei came over and told me that it was raining.

O.O

wah lau!!

i told myself, i'm not giving up! i'll go the following day. since the Cable TV fella gonna come over to set it up, i could pop by right after that.

yet, i have to have my period. and it rained too....

ultimate sianx.

oh well, at least there's cable TV now, and some DVDs my colleague loaned me. so perhaps, not all's lost...

For the Bride-to-be

2009-06-27T21:08:00.003+08:00

knowing that you're getting married, i'm having a mixed feelings of anxiousness and happiness. perhaps i've been skeptical after what i've put myself through, and i didn't want any of my love ones to go through what i did. even though, that decision was one of the bravest thing ever in my life and also deemed as irresponsible to many, i've never regretted my decision.

i won't question you or anything; just want to make sure this is what you want. i was told that no one is ever ready to get married, but i begged to differ. coz' i don't believe in "following the motion" anymore. i don't think i've reached conviction now, that after a certain period of dating, it's only "right" or "time" to get married. it's either you truly believe this is what you want, or give yourself some time to think it through. of coz', i'm saying this coz' my priorities have shifted and things i believed i'm looking for are alot more different than i used to see.

remember, once you've decided, just look ahead and stay focused like you've always been. don't bother whoever tells you what and do what you should do.

whatever it is, don't stop believing in yourself in things you want to do and achieve. you have my sincerest blessings and very much want to know you've found happiness.

of coz', take my words with a pinch of salt. :)

i love you, and i always will.... :)

procrastinate

2009-06-14T22:36:00.003+08:00

i had this huge urge to shop. even online shopping doesn't curb those urges anymore. i brought along Mei, my partner-in-crime, to go shopping with me yesterday. And it never felt better!

i had my objective to shop okay?? i need to get a new pair of working pants, before the current ones start to tear apart. considering that i'm wearing them every single week, anytime it would give way and i'll short of one bottom to wear. and i don't have a habit to wear the same pants/skirt twice. so quit the idea of getting me to wear unwashed clothes.

i ended up buying 2 singlets from Zara, 2 tops from Forever 21, but no bottoms. i think i'll go down town one day to get the white pants from Zara. guess that's the best i've seen around.

and of coz', i finally quit procrastinating and bought a bag from Agnes B.! that cost me some 300 bucks. i still bought it despite it being the last piece. Heng! anyway, the handle on my Charles & Keith bag is like going to snap anytime. just that i didn't have the heart to put my money down to buy a bag that cost so much. so you see? i buy things for a reason hor~!

and i guess it's common for me to procrastinate alot, in life too.... oh well.

2009-06-07T23:07:00.002+08:00

you left me speechless.

returning Eeyore was fine, but you plucked out the chipmunks and returned it to me. it was simply put it as, "i have no use for it...". wonderful.

for your information, that pair of chipmunks was a GIFT. you returned MY GIFT to me.

yet, you kept Ashley's.

next, i'll make sure that's the last i'll ever hear from you.

Goodbye.

it has been a long while...

2009-06-07T19:20:00.001+08:00

i've been happy. not too happy with the serious hangover the next day, but i'm actually glad.

finally, i've waited the week to end. i already had my thoughts set to drop by my neighborhood's DVD shop and rent some good movies to chill over the weekends. imagine, nuahing at home, spending quality time with myself. on top of that, i've a good book which i'm taking my time to finish it.

however, my 2 good gfs came up with better idea to spend a Friday night. i'm so glad they've called just in time before i had to rush to catch the company bus home. they've suggested a last minute chill out session.

a bottle of wine, some food and we sat there and chatted. i didn't know what gotten into Hua that she suddenly blurted, "shall we go clubbing tonight?" and the next thing we know, we all went home to change into our "proper gears" and met at Boilers. hahaha.... that so brought us back to good old times when we're barely 20, 3 of us would scoot off to Devil's Bar, right after our gym, after work. lugging our gym gears, dashing to the entrance of the bar when it was about 9pm to get our free entrance.

Hua left early this time, coz' Justin got drunk. so happened he was at Powerhouse, that was just next door. so Mei and i were shaking our booties, and i wanted to shake off any doldrums in me. i had too much, without knowing. it had been some time since i drank, and i couldn't really track my limits.

i was so glad i managed to make it home. the driver was speeding, or i thought he was. my head was spinning so badly, i wanted to puke. i didnt know how long it took but i managed to grab the change from the driver, and quickly got out of the cab. i hid somewhere behind the pillar and puked my guts out. at that point in time, i regretted so much that i gotten myself into such state.

best part was, when i got home, i realized my period just came. barely sober to clean myself and made sure i was protected, i fell asleep almost immediately when i changed into my sleeping clothes.

i didn't know why i woke up around 10am in the morning, my head was spinning. i went to puke again. and for the rest of the day, that awful feeling stayed on. i even had difficulty trying to bath. after that bath, i felt abit better. finally, i took some paracetamol and went to catch some sleep at late afternoon. maybe it's the Chivas.... it seemed alright with Vodka though... :P

i'm glad i was feeling alright this morning. woke up as early as 10am again. this time, i was alot fresher. decided not to sleep in, i woke up and headed to Mac to get some hearty breakfast of Sausage McGriddles with Egg, hashbrown and a cold Milo. shiok! never felt better...

and just when i was reading my book, my mum called. thinking that she needed some favor from me again, instead, i ended up chatting with her for more than 2 hours. the usual family gossips and the updates of our dogs, got us laughing and cheery.

guess what? i never talked to my mum liddat before. and it gave me this warm fuzzy feeling. i somehow recalled the same scenario where my mum used to chat with my granny on the phone.

i never knew my mum and i could chat. or perhaps i've reached a certain stage in life where my rebellious streak was something so in the past and now what matters most was my mum well taken care of. i hated it when i know my brothers treated her so shabbily, considering they're her favorites. of coz', once in a while she'll poke her nose into my life, but i'll shunned her off the way i always do. i guessed she got the hint to back off coz' i knew how to handle things myself. i believed, having me as a daughter is really not easy, considering i'm so hardheaded and fiercely independent.

like i've said, i'm happy. really happy. even though life can be such a bore when there's no one by my side, but for once, i think everything's going fine for me. this is what i want, for a long time after what had happened 6 months ago. soon enough, i'll be heading for the gym again. :D

and this is really what i call, being happily single.

2009-05-30T20:47:00.004+08:00

To: You

finally, you've decided to take flight. you have been persistent, much to my surprise. i don't know how persistent you would be till... guess everyone has their patience. i understand.

not as if i didn't consider you, but just that there's always something holding me back. enjoyed your company all these while, and i'm happy to leave it as it has been. just that, i'm sorry i can't grant you what you wanted.

your analogy about my weekends' available was spot on. i didnt want to tell you much, neither do i want you to know anything. coz' i just liked the way we were.

it is your decision and i respect that. perhaps that is actually the best for you, like what i told you many times before. i won't start pointing fingers or anything like that. i'll clear my balance with you, and it should draw the lines clear enough. hope there'll be no hard feelings.... i know i won't.

thanks for being there. thank you. :)

tired

2009-05-29T21:42:00.003+08:00

have been a really shag-out month. i think it's no joke that i clocked 28 hours of OT for this month! 8 hours a day, and 28 hours is actually equivalent to, erm, additional 4 more working days? so instead of the usual 20 or 22 working days, i'm working almost up to 26 days a month! wah... really really tired eh. it has come to the extend where i don't even want to step out of my house over the weekends. i only wanted to sleep in....

anyway, my department is undergoing some major restructuring. since my team is considered under Marketing, yes, my team would change abit; mostly on the Directors and Managers though. i'm really grateful that my Boss would still remain. however, i may not be reporting to her directly.

now the thing is, during this transition, i opted to change abit of my job scope. basically whatever i'm doing would still remain, and i didnt take up additional responsibility, but the things i'll be handling would have more challenge.

then again, the whole restructuring may not be very pleasant for at least till mid next year. this is because we're trapped in this scenario:

my new reporting boss is ET and she will be reporting to my current Boss, AL. ET is heavily pregnant with twins and will be going on her maternity leave at the end of June, and will be extending her leave till Dec. so she would only be back onboard Jan next year. my team has initially 4 people, including ET and AL, and only 3 of us would be doing the groundwork. so when ET goes on leave for a wholesome 6 months, her workload would have to be split among another colleague and me.

the best part is, AL is pregnant too!

now she's in her 1st trimester, and due to her weak health, it took her great length to finally get pregnant. so all of us are trying to give her lesser stress. however, when ET is not around, her workload would have to split among me and another colleague named Lee. we're trying to pull another person in to help but she has very little knowledge of the work we're doing. hence, that's where Lee and I would have to handle most of the work on top of our own responsibilities.

and it is about time for ET to be back from her leave, it would be also about time for AL to go on HER maternity leave!

gawd....

with the workload, lack of manpower, i still have 12 more days of leave to clear. how? i don't even know how i'm going to take leave... well, not as if i got any plans yet. but there're no guarantee that i can bring forward my outstandings.

i'm mentality prepared of the new challenge i'm soon to take up. however, ET's maternity leave would make my current job even more challenging. imagine having to juggle someone else's work for the next 6 months, i'm not sure whether i can tahan. and in addition, ET is not participating in any part of the handover coz' she won't be in for the next 6 months. so when she's back next year, we won't handover to her immediately too...

it seems like this whole "ordeal" would only end when AL is back from her maternity leave... and that's most likely in May 2010.

maybe by that time, i'll asked for a pay raise, AND a deserving promotion.

and i didn't managed to clear my last module. i don't know if it's wise for me to enrol next semester, when ET would have gone for her maternaty leave. even though it's only 1 module, but i'm wondering if i should just concentrate on work till things get better....

updates

2009-05-16T14:24:00.014+08:00

nothing much to do on a Sat weekend, so trying to spend some quality time for myself. so i uploaded the pics to my Lappie, and here goes... not in any order:

i bought a new bed for Scrabbles when i went to Ikea to do some window shopping... i believe he's very happy with it, coz' i took this picture on the day i bought it home...

Fuji would not have appreciated the bed. he would prefer my bed than beds like that. however, Scrabbie is more accommodating. easy to please, i believe. haa... or perhaps, Scrabbie felt this would be a luxurious for him, compared to the pillow he used to rest on.

went out with Tim to Suntec for some chill-out session 2 weeks ago... then we went to the arcade and ended up catching these!! hahaha... i caught those 2 on the left, and he managed to catch the last one on the right. it's can really rewarding, especially when you see the clamps held on to your prize tight enough and release it to you through the gutter.

i gave my Stitch to Tim to put in his car. after all, the Mickey Mouse is somewhat "out of place". right now, Mickey is sitting happily on my new bed frame. :D

On last Sat, i went out with my family to have some Mother's Day dinner. didn't buy her anything this year coz' i really not know what to get her. so i guess i'll wait till her next bday, then get her something. :P

anyway, i brought Scrabbles to meet Fuji! this was the scene where both of them got dead tired after lots of playing. otherwise, you think they'll rest next to each other like that? dream on! hahahaha....

don't know what triggered them; not too long after i took this picture, they fought. i was watching TV and they were fighting on my feet. i managed to pull them apart and both kena whacking from me.

Scrabbles got a scratch on his cheek and near his left eye, Fuji had his gum bleeding. finally both of them were hiding their tails when i called out to them to wash their wound. after that, they sat at different corners of the house, licking their wounded pride. hahaha... i guess it'll take a while more to be REAL friends.

and lastly, my new refurbished room!!!

i didn't engaged any help to move my furnitures; proudly done by yours truly. not easy, but it is definitely satisfying.

changed the table to something smaller to give my room more walking space, the foldable table where my Lappie is sitting right now, and most importantly, The Bean Bag! imagine me in the 1st picture, exactly where i am when i'm typing this post. of coz', when i'm done, i keep my Beanie and table to one corner.

loving my room more and more... woot! getting cosier...

anyway, i'll be changing the window shades to new blinds. the shades are pretty filthy already, and i can't wash it. so i bought new blinds when i was at Ikea that time.

okay, that's more or less it. trying to find a good time to see if i can get an aircon. the weather has been kind to me somehow coz' i can still sleep just with a fan. i'm still pushing my tolerance level. and when the time comes where my trusty fan is insufficient, i'll grab my credit card and get an aircon fixed for real.

2009-05-11T20:44:00.003+08:00

ever since so much hoo-haa for some mundane blog post from me, i can't help feeling abit wary about posting my thoughts. i'll never know what would have offended anyone out there. oh well, luckily i don't depend on this blog entirely, otherwise i would've prolly find myself in a spot where i have no other channels for me to say my thoughts.

i'm right now in my dumps. a few of you would prolly know coz' i've shared with you when you've asked. still coping, finding my way around. just perhaps i haven't given up...

-----

anyways, i've did some serious shopping spree and ended up spending quite alot this month. gonna face the music, mainly myself, when the bills screamed at my face. basically, i did some refurbishing of my room! happy happy!

i bought a new bed frame for easier cleaning, a new dressing table (but more of just a simple and smaller table top with no mirror or drawers), a DIY bean bag, and a small foldable table for my lappie. so at this very moment, i'm plopped comfortably on my bean bag and my lappie is resting on the foldable table, happily typing away. HEE! and of coz, i did some major shifting in my room to give more space for the bean bag. now, i lack of an aircon installed and a full length mirror which i intend to plant it behind the doors of my wardrobe, and TA-DA! my long loooong awaited little heaven, found in this puny 3-room apartment.

when my room is all done up, i'll post some pictures...

till then, no more public hols to look forward to, so just hang in there yar? LOL...

tsk tsk tsk

2009-05-05T12:08:00.002+08:00

somebody, nobody, passerby.... WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! what a name! hahahahahahaha!!! some really laughable trios...

aiyo, think i really bother about what YM's friends think about me ah? wake up your idea la! hahahahahaha.... this is madness man! hahahaha....

whoever you are, thanks for putting a huge smile on my face. you 3 just made my day... hahaha....

YM, i believe these are some of your friends who prolly dare not to tell the world who they are. maybe you know who they'll be. be grateful to them coz' they're really nice people who would stay by your side. :) no puns intended.

however, they're maybe still stuck in the gangster's realm of 古伙仔 and most likely super 讲义气. *rolled eyes* so if you tell them you want your revenge, i think they'll be at my doorstep ready to splash keroscene and set fire on me lor! hahahahahahaha....!! this is like hilarious la! what kind of friends they are, i trust your judgement. :D

then again, i do hope those 3 are among your reliable friends who can give SOUND advice when you need help. if not, i think don't waste so much time on them... hehehehe....

2009-04-30T18:54:00.002+08:00

this is getting interesting. i didn't expect there would be so much comments and objections over what i said. one by one wanted to come talk to me, and explain things. hmmm...

let me see: you guys gets overly emotional to something which you think it was and then come shooting at me for some valid reasons, and now it seemed like i shouldn't have rebutted nor protected myself? is that the way how it works? and i'm supposed to know very clearly where you're coming from and what your intentions are? and now its seemed like i've wrongly accused everyone?? hmm... let's just put it this way: I DON'T SNAP FOR NOTHING. now you know how it feels to be wrongly accused huh? perhaps it's time to think in my shoes too... if you think i'm quick to snap, don't you think you're too quick to judge too? :)

if you think whatever i've done is uncalled for, have you ever ponder about your actions? out of the blue, tagged something not too pleasant and ambiguous, yet i'm supposed to just sit there do nothing? hmmm... weird thinking.

i dare declare that i've always been mutual to all of you. there're no biased judgements, i've never been fake about my friendship to any of you. however, it seemed like whatever i could give was just thrown back in my face! how good do you think that feels? now i just merely did the same thing, and you people just can't take it? this is prolly one to all - consider the impact from all to one.

what Ker Ker said isn't entirely wrong: why would friends even move away? isn't it that if friends move away, they're not even considered as friends to begin with? that would be as good as, acquaintances? no?

at the end of the day, i wanted you guys to know where you really are and just stay where you are. when you shouldn't cross the line, just don't. even YM is lying low, i don't see why his friends are not catching the hint. he, after all, should know who i really am.

whether or not, there're still friendship between us and you guys, well, time will eventually tell. not as if it mattered to me now... this thing is like one of the many things i have in my head to bother.

angry? perhaps... i don't like to be wrongly accused. but individually? no, not really. if you read my words carefully, i shoot at everyone and not just individually. basically, i'm not really pointing fingers at any of you specifically. i said things like, "you guys", "all of you"... and not you you you.... geddit??? kaoz!

whether any of you has good intentions or not, it's time to just back off, at least for a while. don't come and try make things better or worse. perhaps, just be abit more careful with words and filter them through your brain before tagging. also, don't expect me to be the same wavelength as any of you when you choose to tag. i'm alright to leave things as it is now, coz' we all get over it. even if things are now in the wrong foot, so what? my time doesn't stop here....

get over it people. i don't expect any sequel from here...

interesting comments

2009-04-28T21:26:00.002+08:00

well, i'm still surprised that YM's friends are still hanging around my blog. thought they would have scattered elsewhere... since i'm feeling in the mood today, i shall address each and every one of them. :)

fionna: i've kind of expected that friends connected with YM would do such things, like moving away since i'm no longer with any connection with him. kind of weird isn't it? my friends would still regard YM as their friend (even though we're not an item anymore) whereas his friends don't behave this way.... worth wondering doesn't it? even if any one of my friends would to see YM on the street, they would prolly give a worthy hi-bye rather than looking through him as if he doesn't exist.

jacob: there's nothing for me to bullshit to any of you. it's either you accept whatever i say, or you just don't. when you don't, you can say that i'm lying, i'm bullshiting, i'm whatever. i don't have to convince you, do i? in fact, you people are the last ones on earth that i need to explain myself to. before pointing the finger at me, perhaps, take a GOOD look at the number of fingers pointing at yourself. i'm scary? i think you're much worse. one moment we're like good buddies, and the next, your back is turned. i thought friends should have mutual respect with each other. do you need to check up the dictionary what does MUTUAL really means? and something i've learnt about the difference between my girlfriends and the rest of you: they understood the REAL meaning of MUTUAL. at least i didnt make the effort to shame you; you did. on the contrary, i have always been grateful to you. whether or not you believe, to you, i have live up to my conscience. regret knowing me or not, it pretty much up to you. come to think about it, your reaction is something laughable.

jasmine: real friends DON'T QUIT! not that i take things for granted, but friends who eventually stick around are my REAL friends. anyone else, prolly the rest of you are fair-weathered, acquaintances per se, someone whom would see right through me on the streets one fine day and pretended i never existed. apparently that to me, it's seriously alright. the rest of you are not even worth a bat of my eyelids, perhaps other than Jacob. i hardly feel the pinch. and at the end of the day, whether i'm in the wrong or not, it's not really much rest of your business.

life goes on, people. so much grievances for something not even worth your effort to tag. whatever i'm doing is not exactly very mature right now, but i don't see why i should be cowering behind my keyboard and not do anything about it. even though i don' have much right to say this, however, i think it suits all of you who commented such things: GROW UP!

whether or not i deserve whatever you guys said, it seriously NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. i don't owe anyone of you any explanations, other than my own girlfriends and YM himself. and FYI, whatever you're doing, are only putting YM in a spot. my 2 cents' worth: THINK before you do anything. make use of the brain since you're given one.

since you people are so keen to 撕破脸皮, i have no qualms to do likewise. at least i avoid being a hypocrite one day. hope that one day, none of you would still smile at me and pretend none of this happened.

mark my words.

banquet... finally settled

2009-04-13T21:36:00.003+08:00

i never forget how YM told me over the phone, that the banquet was such a pain in the ass. he had so much frustrations and angst over it. i don't blame him. i'm ashamed. in fact, he's right - what i've done to help him get out of this sticky situation? worse, he's so right that the mess i've made, he is made to clean up after me. he didn't deserve all these... and yet, at the end of the day, he still wanted to be with me. i don't know what he's thinking... dumb of him isn't it? well, he's a rare gem.

i was sharing with some people about my backup decision to loan that 15k from the bank if he can't rid the banquet in time. most of them told me it can be negotiated, and they advised me to think about it. seriously, i don't know how to go about getting this done... i'm not an expert in all areas.

this thing has been lingering in my mind. lost my appetite over this coz' 15k is not a small sum. i've an existing study loan to clear, and i can't take up another loan like that. of coz', if need be, i would do that. after all, it seemed only right to be paying off my "debt" owe to YM. and uncannily, today i've received a call from the restaurant. it's the banquet manager.

she was following up with my pending status for the banquet. and i told her that the banquet was off, she just confirmed that i would be forfeiting the deposit. at that point in time, i wanted to ask YM if this arrangement would be the best. but i decided to make the decision on the spot to cancel it, forfeit the deposit and get over it. i felt it was the least i could do for YM. she didn't sounded hostile at all. i'm really grateful.

for that moment i hung up, i felt a huge load of my chest. finally, we're freed.

of coz', to some of you, you prolly think that it's just something simple. oh well, at least it saved anymore trouble i've gotten YM to put through.

as for the deposit, i know, righteous friends out there would feel unfair for YM that it was his money which was forfeited. yes, i'm aware. i'm not saying i won't pay him back - half of the deposit. it's not alot of money but i'm cash strapped. no matter what, i'll try to pay him back. otherwise, i'll cash advance from my credit card to return him his well-deserved share.

sometimes, it seemed that people has this mentality that i didn't fork out my share of the wedding... annoying, actually. well, perceptions need not to be set right. i don't bother anymore...

i know i can do more to make it up to YM. other than cash, i don't know what else i can do...

sad isn't it? at the end of the day when everything's over, it's all about money.

even divorce is the same... money.

moving forward

2009-04-12T13:17:00.003+08:00

finally, i've decided to put my foot down and moved on. apparently, not everyone is very encouraging. of coz', ultimately is my decision. however, they need not respect that as they felt i should've waited longer....

longer? hmm... i'm wondering how long more. i believe all should know waiting (alone) is no fun...

perhaps, they're right that if i've waited just a tad bit longer, YM could've come on the right time. but i don't know what was going on. all along, i only knew i'm subconciously waiting and waiting, yet don't know what would be the outcome. sorry, i just didn't know. and all i felt was sad when he suddenly came.

i guess nobody would really know how i felt deep down, the dilemma i felt. after all, it deemed to be so easy that all i had to say was to move on, and let go of what had been built before. seriously, talk is cheap isn't it? who is the person who had to go through the emotional struggle? me (and him). saying to move on is like snapping of my fingers? stop being so naive... i'm a thinker. i think of EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. what made it seemed as if i didn't think before i made my decision? if i don't think before that, i wouldn't have been so adamant about what i set my foot down. YM knows that about me...

it's almost effortless to tell me to back out since it's only a "couple of days". let's just say it took me alot of courage and effort to come to this decision, and even if it's a couple of days, i don't think i want to go through all that again.

i'm not expecting anyone to understand. and i believe some people will slowly move away from me... it's sad really. coz' it does show they're not really been objective. after all, i thought it would be best for them not to take sides and look at things at an objective standpoint, and not who they should pity more. i don't blame them. after all, YM is at the shorter end of the deal. i know, i wont get their blessings. perhaps, at the end of the day, they should know they shouldn't get too emotionally involved.

take it as i'm selfish, and i'm all for myself and nothing but myself. i'll leave it if people would think i'm heartless or impulsive or a slut. well, i live for myself now... if i don't take care of myself, who would? life goes on, doesn't it? even if i get misunderstood for the rest of my life, so be it. i don't think i need to redeem myself... i think it gonna tough but i do believe that ultimately people who respect and understands me would still hang around...

nevertheless, i would still want to thank Jacob, for helping out ever so readily. if it weren't for him, i guess YM would have been nothing and the assistance he rendered me was commendable. i sense his disappointment when he learnt about it, and i prolly not hear from him again. oh well... *shrugs*

things are different...

2009-04-05T13:00:00.003+08:00

early this week, Jacob called me and asked if he could borrow my sunblock lotion. without thinking much, i agreed to lend him. we tried to arrange a time to meet, and finally settled on a Wednesday, after dinner with my department. i didnt think much of it, since he said he may be going to Sentosa over the weekends.

on Wednesday, he came by my place and waited till my colleagues gave me a ride home. i went back home and took the sunblock for him. somehow or rather, i didn't know how come he decided to tell me the truth - he's going to Tioman with YM and friends.

i don't blame him, coz' i know he did consider how i would have felt if i knew. he tried to make me feel better that they're considering to go again in Aug/Sept, and this time they'll get me to go. really, i didn't think it was necessary. put me and YM in a same room? or we're going to share a room with the others? even if sharing a room with others, put me and him on the same bed? things are not the same... people just cannot assume things are the same.

really, don't have to include me into their plans.

YM msged me that it's not the same without me around... and he missed me. i didnt reply coz' i didnt see a need to. after all, he didnt come around and tell me about this trip and prolly had the means to keep me in the dark. so i feel they should have cont'd to keep mum about this.

it has been more than a month, i didnt hear anything from him. and i think i've moved on from there already. like my bitch said, "time waits for nobody....". maybe i'm impatient, but there's nothing for me to be holding on to. i sat there, waiting... and nothing happened. not exactly very motivating. and almost all the time, Jacob has to be the middleman. he's tired, and i'm tired too. if he wants to be passive, then he can cont'd to be. i'm not pushing him to do anything, just thought whatever has to be done have to be coming from within, and not out of obligation or someone said nasty.

there're some genuine proposals out there, all put on hold. maybe it's time to look them through...

still... confused

2009-03-29T01:36:00.002+08:00

glad i've managed to catch ker ker online.... been a good long while since i've talked to him. now that my god-nephew is here, all the more i foresee the slimming chances of seeing him again. his wife needs him more than i do, after all, she needs all the support she can get. i don't want to try ask him out coz' i know Rac is at her vulnerable stage, and the last thing i want her to get some post-natal depression which is indirectly caused by me.

despite such a long time, he still managed to take words out of my mouth. sometimes i wished to know how he managed to do that... i feel so at eased, i don't have to struggle with words, and with my feelings. he somehow knew what i'm going throught... i hoped i'm as sharp as him.

at this point in time, i just don't know what i want. it's frustrating actually, coz' at the end of the day after all that dates, i come home feeling empty. you know, just scared to make any commitments that i can't keep up with. ker ker advised me to just enjoy all the attention while it lasted, coz' after all i'm still not ready. true.

it just gets kind of tired. but i believe one day, things would eventually fall into place... just a matter of time, isn't it? how long more....

2009-03-14T18:33:00.003+08:00

before i begin my sappy entries, i would like to congratulate my dearest Ker Ker, who finally ended his years of dream and 9 months of anticipation to start a family! yes, it's a Boy! even though he was hoping to have a girl 1st, but hey, it's harder to get a boy than a girl. so his "soldiers" did it! hahaha... glad to know mother and child are fine, and i guess it's a whole new chapter for him.

i wanted to visit him but i don't think his wife would like to see me. the last thing i want to do now is to aggravate his wife, who should be recuperating than getting jealous seeing me.

i guess there will be lesser chance to meet up with ker ker than it already has. its abit sad to know that, but i still feel happy that things are going well for him.

hear from you soon, ker ker...

----------

i'm keeping options open. nothing would be serious, just play the field when i still can. i know not all would agree... but i guess i'll do what makes me happy. rather than breaking into sobs when i get reminded of those memories... silly isn't it? it's only a picture, and it can get me into tears. felt so pathetic.

just to let you guys know, i've been going on some dates. maybe these will help me open my eyes more, and see what's out there for me. perhaps, this will help me to realize what i want. then again, nothing much to do after work nor over the weekends, so if there's something to do to kill time, why not. what's there for me to lose?

however, my heart is still closed.

still hurts...

2009-03-03T23:30:00.003+08:00

met up with Jo and friends last Friday. was expecting them to ask me something, however to my pleasant surprised, none was raised up. the only closest thing they came asking me was, "how are you?". glad to answer that politically correctly.

right now, things are moving on slowly for me. when i see anything pertaining to wedding, my heart aches and my mind wandered. so close to being married.... considering how thrilled i was back then. now, its just an aching memory.. sometimes i wonder, the gown still lying in YM's wardrobe, will i get to wear that again? or its another piece of cloth waiting to be sold away?

i wonder: who will be the person i'll spend the rest of my life with? suddenly, i'm not so sure anymore... my heart do still hold that answer but i'm don't know if that would ultimately prevail.

now, i'm still too blinded by my wreath.

一切让它结束吧

2009-02-17T13:51:00.004+08:00

你的“不信任”已经说明了一切。再勉强也没意思，何必苦苦强求？

你的一举一动伤透了我的心，以代表你对我的不尊重。

说分手的是你，说对不起的也是你；你把我当什么了？你说的话，哪一句可以当真？我不想再去想它了。

你也不需要弥补什么，也没后悔过我们的“擦肩而过”，只是有些遗憾，可惜。我们的缘分也只是那么薄。

心还是会痛，可是相信时间能掩盖伤痕。哭多一下下，就会停了。时间不会为我而停留，我会继续走下去。感谢你为我付出的一切，我不配。对你的感情，有缘再和你续情。

一切也只是一段有喜有忧的回忆，永藏在心里。

那句 “我爱你”已经失去了意义。

神木与瞳 - 草戒指

★ 卜超制作

再见说在额头原来泪也会痛

倒流心中怎麼麻醉也没用

深呼吸一分鐘爱突然的词穷

你狠狠甩开我沉默的手彷彿就剧终

草戒指在手中像句点的沉默

woo..明天以后爱变成了问候

爱不爱都痛我以為我懂

最后你要自由

woo..忘了温柔要套在手中

到最后该不该回头

如果我开口爱继续往前走

woo..幸福听著分开的藉口

再见说在额头原来泪也会痛

倒流心中怎麼麻醉也没用

深呼吸一分鐘爱突然的词穷

你狠狠甩开我沉默的手彷彿就剧终

草戒指在手中像句点的沉默

woo..明天以后爱变成了问候

爱不爱都痛我以為我懂

最后你要自由

woo..忘了温柔要套在手中

到最后该不该回头

如果我开口爱继续往前走

woo..幸福听著分开的藉口

爱不爱都痛我以為我懂

最后你要自由

woo..忘了温柔要套在手中

到最后该不该回头

如果我开口爱继续往前走

woo..幸福听著分开的藉口

草戒指套在谁手中

it seems, he's not the guy...

2009-02-15T18:28:00.002+08:00

i don't know what was our status. i treated as i'm someone without any commitments of such. i went on with my life as a singlehood, even though my heart didnt seem so. i pinned on to the day of reunion, and glad how things are slowly turning out as what i expected it to be. i thought it was brilliant.

i never told anyone how and what i plan. i had a goal in mind, and i work my way towards it. i'm like a lone ranger, doing things quietly. i don't like explaining what i intend to do, nor explain anything happened after that. apparently, not all people like it. he was one of them.

i guess, its times like this which make me realize that it's pointless to drag this on. he made the decision, and it's finally off. that slap was deserving, to both of us. it made me realize that despite how much effort i put in to avoid having to walk my parent's footsteps, i still did. the only consolation was, luckily i'm still not married.

it's creepy. considering i've almost married to someone who didnt respect his partner's privacy, exactly like my father. "lack of trust", you prolly called it. however, was that supposed to be a valid reason to void all respect? perhaps, it did. we've went through this for the 3rd time, and many more times to come? i guess it'll never drill in the fact where privacy, to me, it's strongly sacred.

my heart aches, my eyes' sore. but am i supposed to count my blessings?

i suddenly felt lost, i don't know where i shall be heading. everything's a blur right now, future is just so bleak. nobody i'm pinning to anymore. no reunions to look forward to, no happy-endings.

i guess i brought it all upon myself. too much in control... i controlled the beginnings, the process and the endings. however, then ending was much least expected. all i wanted to do was to protect the ones i love. then again, no one will see it my way.

so it'll be a unfinished chapter of my life, and it'll end that way. this will be safely kept someplace in my heart, never to be opened again.

my heart has just shut its doors.

goodbye, my love...

some updates

2009-02-03T22:29:00.008+08:00

nothing much on my end though... perhaps i was away during the CNY, and hence i don't feel much about this festive season. thought it was a good choice to be away... after all.

most of you know, i went to Bintan myself and it was a refreshing getaway. however, i'm not sure if it's because of the weather, i came back and didn't feel very well. i got some flu and cough. hmmm... oh well, my room was not too bad. even though i didn't get the seaview which i've requested, at least i'm located near the pool. a sneak pic at my room...

too bad i can't open the window, otherwise the breeze was like super shiok lor! darn... anyway, i enjoyed having to spend time with myself. :)

before i left for Bintan, of coz', the usual spring cleaning. changed my new bedsheets and my day is brighten up by the new sheets! check it out:

so bright and cheery right! hahahaha.... at least that makes my day whenever i'm home from work. so welcoming... :D

i also went to have early reunion dinner with my mum and bros. also, went to see how Fuji's doing. gawd, i missed that fella so much! and managed to take such a cute pic of him...

he can so melt my heart lar....

well, i did meet up with YM and had dinner with him and mei mei. things are still alright and i feel better now... taking baby steps and i somehow feel its beginning to work...

i'm still happy... and that's deep down. so no worries about me alright? in fact, i like things are right now... no rush, no pressure, and just being me.

next up, i did go over to YM's place for CNY. i guess that's the only visiting i did for this year. since i was away, i didn't arrange to go follow up visiting with my relatives. had fun with his friends and all... well, that's the whole idea right? having fun!

after that gathering which ends off at Settlers that day, i went down to Powerhouse, after given my word to my company's FM that i'll pop by. hoping that someone could accompany me but i went alone. it was weird but i thought i would just hang around for a while before i leave for the day. surprisingly, i quite enjoy myself. and also, i get to his new-found gf.

she's quite wild, baring her midriffs and g-string. dancing suggestively with me and all. thought she was abit over-friendly with me, but i get the hang of it. in summary, she can be pretty fun to hang out with. i'm not sure if she's drunk or what, coz' she made him promised her that she would see me again when they come out. i had to hide my puzzlement.

that pretty sums up the updates of me recently. nowadays i'm really lazy to be online... so i guess you wont see much of me around... nevertheless, i'm always a phone call away. need dates, just gimme a ring. would love to hear from any one of you.

take care at the meantime... :D

a new addiction

2009-01-07T16:39:00.002+08:00

shopping is a girl's (or even some men's) therapy to feel happy. and feeling happy can be addictive. in other words, i think i'm addicted to shopping. that's not a very good sign. this is because, shopping only comes in when needed and i've known myself to only shop when there's a need to change my wardrobe and other valid reasons like that. however, recently i seemed to be finding excuses (more than valid reasons) to shop.

i don't know if it's due to the festive mood where everyone are out shopping for new year's clothes. even though i won't be around for the festive season, i can't helping indulging myself with the usual shoppings, together with the many others. i'm shopping as though i'm also celebrating. then again, a new year doesn't feels like a new year if there aren't new clothes to wear. i know that's a silly tradition, however this is how i'm brought up: new year = new clothes and shoes, and even underwear.

i've still a long list to buy:

- a duffel bag
- a new pair of sneakers
- tops for the new year
- shoes (or even boots)
- new lingerie
- makeup refills
.
.
.
.
.

these are the must-buy items in my head right now. i don't know if the list will get longer... which i believe it would. my shopping list doesn't get shorter, never in history. hahaha...

if the reason i'm shopping is coz' i want to feel happy, then something is really quite wrong. this simply would mean i'm unhappy... but the annoying thing is, i don't know what i'm unhappy about. or maybe i'm stressed about some stuff... sigh, perhaps i'll come to a conclusion soon... but till then, i'm in LOVE shopping. call me the new Shopaholic Goddess... *Guffaw!*

Looking ahead for another new year...

2008-12-31T16:31:00.002+08:00

it's really quick, isn't it? it still seem surreal to know that one year has swing past so quickly. and every last day of the year, i can't help looking back and recapping what has happened or what i've achieved. well, it's not as if i lay down yearly resolutions and made sure i adhere to it. no, just pondering why things happened and how it did happened, and what came out of every single situation.

alot of things happened: the ups and the real downs.

i was about to get married and then *poof!*. im still where i am, status quo. however, friends around me are still getting married. sometimes, a bittersweet taste lingers in mouth. i just hope they've found happiness and are really sure about it.

i had my last exam paper this year and im glad im graduating. if my last supp paper goes smoothly, see me in my grad gown in February!!

i managed to find myself a decent paying job that offers me a grad starting pay. i'm glad i'm with UPS, even though i'm not entirely enjoying what i'm doing. at least, i can see where i'm heading to. :)

a new year for me means new beginnings. nop, i don't have the habit to fix myself any resolutions and i won't begin doing do. the next hurdle for me would be still the CNY, and i believe you guys should know why. at least after the 1st month, i can finally put myself at ease and slowly work things out. i'm still looking forward to reconciliation, but its only a matter of time. as for now, work more, earn more money. otherwise, tsk tsk, i'm almost barely feeding myself.

i'll remember: to love myself more, earn more money, get myself a good tan, more holiday plans with all of my beloved chicks (includes you, Joan), get a new phone, pack my room (when i feel like it), give unconditional loves to all of my sisters and brother(s) who're only a phone-call away, and of coz', continue to improve myself to be a better person.

here, i would also like to thank those who stood at my side during my darkest days. if it wasn't for all of you, i wouldn't have managed to pull through all odds. life is made easier coz' you people are always standing nearby.

Happy New Year, everyone. I Love You...

bored

2008-12-19T22:14:00.002+08:00

life is getting boring for me... nothing to do, getting sleepy but yet reluctant to catch some sleep. i'll still have many Fridays for me to waste, but still....

my ankle is recovering, and i'm now on ankle guard rather than bandage. have been dutifully visiting the sinseh every 3 days coz' i'm desperate enough to wear my heels again. however, it's really dreadful to be going through the "therapy". everytime they touched the sore spot, i would cringe at excruciating pain. it's to the extend i would break out in cold sweat and i was near to tears. by far, i've always sucked in my tears and bear the pain. the worse i have gotten was letting out whines to relieve the stress i felt. as much as i want my ankle to heal, i seriously hated going through the process. well, at least now i can walk properly, rotate my ankle, but still, i cant cross my leg...

x'mas is coming soon, and i loved this season. however, it would be different for me this year. whether i'm still loving it as much as i used to, well, i dunno. for once, perhaps, i'm not really looking forward to x'mas, CNY and Valentine's...

time..

2008-12-12T23:30:00.004+08:00

reading the name of my blog, i realize it's such a cliche and yet so true. i don't remember how i derived this back then...

life have been busy... drowning myself at work is prolly the best thing for me right now. considering that i've clocked 12 hours of OT this week, staying past 9pm for 3 consecutive days. i felt the fatigue.

weekends are saved for friends, going out whenever i can, get as occupied as i could to make weekends bearable. things has begin to change for the better. and that fateful day has past too... i could've been married by now. however, i'm glad i'm still sitting in my comfort zone in my room, nothing has changed. maybe some other things have... no, i haven't regretted the decision. perhaps, it's still the best thing i did and i'm glad i did that. it may not be entirely sensible, but i'm sure i'm still sane.

the next hurdle would be CNY... suddenly, i'm not looking forward to that day after how everything has turned out. i wished i could just pack my bags and leave the country for that few days. or maybe i can book a ticket for myself for a short getaway to avoid anything coming my way.... especially those nosey-parkers. anyone out there willing to sacrifice your red packets for me? *hopeful*

time is essence to me right now... coz' time heals things slowly, and put everything back the way it is. even though it may be a long and slow process, that's what i need now...

moving on now...

2008-11-25T23:34:00.004+08:00

i dont know how much i can reveal here... those who know, should have known what happened. i'm picking up the pieces and it'll not be easy. i was prepared for the aftermath, but it somehow gotten worse than i was prepared for. maybe i've underestimated this whole thing, so i'm paying my feelings for this.

i'll be taking a break for a while. one month, 2 months... undefined.

i feel so drained... tired from what i put myself through.

time ticks by...

2008-11-12T21:20:00.003+08:00

as the timer shows, my days are numbered. i guess there wouldn't be an opportunity for me to back out of anything even if i want... everything has seemed to fall into place, and yar, i think i would have to put myself through this...

after strolling alone in that huge piece of grassland, my feet led me downslopes, heading towards a tunnel. i can see light, but i can't see anything there yet. every step i took became a bear, and with much caution. the smell of air was damp and stale. something is calling and watching me from behind. i stood there in my tracks, didn't know what to do. yet, i told myself i should walk forward. anxiety overwhelms me and i almost couldn't breathe. i saw myself already made half my way through the longwinding tunnel, i lean against the damp wall, beginning to crouch. i hugged my knees and felt like crying, feeling so lost and trapped in my thoughts. perhaps that's what i'll get when the mind and heart lost their synchronization.

i screamed and no one hears me. my voices echoed in the midst of the tunnel. no one was there at the point i stopped walking... no motivation. no point of crying, its simply redundant. i felt silly.

the walk to the end of the tunnel is inevitable, and i know i will make myself walk through this, even though the feeling's not going to be how i should supposed to feel. and that's what my mind is telling me: do things i have to do and do it right.

suddenly, i'm not so sure of myself anymore...

Happie 24th BDay to me!

2008-10-25T23:29:00.002+08:00

this is perhaps the only bdaywhich i'll treasure for the rest of my life. simply coz' its my last single's bday. i don't know how different it would be in future to be celebrating as a married woman, but as of now, this last bday as a singleton is something memorable to me.

my teammates shared among themselves and presented me $160 worth of Capitaland vouchers. alot huh? and vouchers are supposedly to be a norm in my team for bdays. 1stly, it's practical and 2ndly, you can never go wrong with vouchers. *LOL*.

YM's gang were a sweet bunch of people. they shared among themselves and bought me a Gucci handphone strap! hahaha... my very 1st branded gift and very 1st owned branded. i've never by far owned anything branded and now i do. pretty exciting though, even though it's a handphone strap. haha... they gave me the present on my bday eve where we headed for dinner and clubbing at Boilers Room. in addition, i signed up their Ladies' member. initially i thought they would pay for the Lady's card but in the end, i didn't have a heart to. after all, they've already bought a Gucci present which to some, may hurt their pocket. in addition, going clubbing would be on their expense as well. so, they've done enough for me. glad i had fun, and it's perhaps my 1st time as well, to be clubbing with all men (w/o YM around). great experience as i don't land myself in situations like this.

on my bday itself, my gang's turn to meet up with me. in the end, Bel wasn't feeling well and had to stay home. so which only left Ra and Mun. even though this was like a no-frills meeting, i enjoyed their company so much. and what i love about hanging out with them: endless topics to talk about. maybe it's just a girl's nature to keep talking, however, i feel chemistry among each other is so blardy important. and i'm so glad our chemistry are still there despite the fact we weren't in constant contact with each other. just wanna tell you how much i appreciated your presence...love you guys!

after meeting with the girls, i continued my session with some of YM's friends. basically one of them was hurting about his recent broke-up with his gf and we kind of "flocked" down to see what we could do. we ended up chilling at East Coast, usual hangout, Beach Cabana.

so that's pretty much marks my last singleton bday. even though every bday i had is very simple, i enjoyed how everything turned out. i know i'm so gonna missed my singlehood...

absence (supposedly) makes the heart grows fonder...

2008-10-20T21:27:00.003+08:00

YM is "out of my life" for 3 wholesome weekends. not that he totally detached himself from my life; we still chat on the phone for a few minutes every other day and it's like a one-sided affair thinggie where i msged him but he didnt respond. it's not really encouraging on my side coz' i don't get to hear much from him. of coz', he would still sneak a few msges telling me he's missing me and all...

i tried to keep myself occupied while he's away. by far, his bunch of friends are actually very sweet towards me: they would call me out over the weekends for movies, dins or ktv. yes, it's hefty on my wallet considering everyone's going on dutch. YM would be there to pay for my share y'know...

other than that bunch of friends, i was also in contact with mr. X, an ex-colleague from UPS. we would also be out for dinners and/or movies too. so it's another expense again...

so for these 3 weekends, my time were neatly occupied. not alot of time were spent thinking of YM, which is good and also bad. needless to go further in that... and my weekdays were working...

now that i've wrapped up my semester, leaving with just one more session of intensive lecture this weekend, i'm pretty much done with studies other than waiting for the final clearance of exams in mid-Nov. can't wait for exams to be over...

somehow, i didn't allow myself to feel lost without him by my side. even though it's temporary and for just 6 weeks, i made myself as busy as i could even though it drained me at the end of every week. however, that's how i felt could make my time past faster. then again, i may not receive total understanding from him. it's hard to explain when i'm here and he's there, and there's so much i could do to assure him. i'm suddenly lost...

right now, it's a good time for me to spend time with myself and things i enjoyed doing alone. after all, what's the possibility that i'll have such chances after i'm married? however, i've gotten too lonesome and he couldn't take it.

i can't possibly be sitting there all day and sulking upon his absence! since i have my space right now, of coz' i'm making full use of it. so i guess it irks him to know i'm enjoying myself without him while he's slogging his guts out. right... oh yeah, i understand that green-eyed feeling. but i don't deny that i'm REALLY enjoying myself to the max. perhaps it's refreshing for me to get a breather after being so sticky to YM for the past 4 years... even though it's only a short period of time, but i thought it's essential. so at least with this "breath of fresh air", i'm ready to embrace a new stage of life when he's back.

then again, he just can't see the point...

it'll be my turn soon...

2008-10-12T23:37:00.002+08:00

went to bellie's convo today at the Raffles Convention Centre... it's nice to be seeing friends graduating. and so glad that i know this bunch of friends (and others as well) to be my main motivation for pursuing further studies. it's painful to be juggling both work and studies, but all will eventually come to an end, depend how soon it is.

i can't wait to be in my graduation ropes and throwing the mortar board up in the air. i don't know if i'll be able to see any familiar faces at the day of my convo, considering that most of the people i knew grad today. oh well....

my convo will be somewhere around this time next year. by then i believe i've turned moldy waiting for the graduation. whatever excitement i had would prolly have faded away. and then, i'm merely going through the process rather than enjoying it. haix... think too much again.

alright, time for bed.

eventful....

2008-10-04T13:40:00.003+08:00

as many of you know, YM has already left for aussie and he's surviving well in Wallaby for the past week. we're still in contact, calling each other for a couple of minutes at night and me messaging him my activities back home. for the past few days, i can't help feeling lost coz' i depended on him to ferry me around whenever i needed help with the dog.

did you guys know that Fuji got cataract? yeah, he's only turned 6 and he contracted cataract. i was crossing my fingers that he needn't any surgery but its quite unlikely to come true. the 1st 2 checkups had YM to ferry me around. the last checkup at Mt. Pleasant Animal Hospital, i had to go with my mum. and subsequent visits which lead to his surgery and all, i had to get going myself. not even my brother was willing to help me. other than his "generosity" to pay for the surgery and the loan of his car, he didnt even want to flinch a muscle on bringing Fuji anywhere. i had to take emergency leave just to bring Fuji for his surgery. sometimes, it's no wonder i don't respect my eldest brother.

anyway, Fuji is still put up at my mum's place. and i just came back from a follow-up with the local eye specialist located at the Clementi branch. tired... at least i'm happy that my boy can finally regained his reflexes on his left eye. when i looked him through his eyes, they're both clear! i guess, S$3500 surgery is every cent worth. ha!

alright now, nothing much to do today. still hoping some kind soul would date me out this evening. i was being invited to go to St. James tonight with a bunch of classmates whom i'm not too close with. and i'm going next Friday with Hua and Mei to finish up our outstandings at Boiler's Room. so i guess most likely i'll be giving that clubbing session a miss.

while YM is away, his friend is kind enough to contact me and asked me out with the usual group of friends. however, its quite taxing on my pocket to keep going out liddat. even so, i hate wasting time at home liddat. oh well, let's see what i'll have as the time passes by....

sometimes i wonder what did i do with my time before i met YM... hmm....

people come and left...

2008-09-14T23:59:00.003+08:00

it's part and parcel of life to be working in a company and people will leave when the time is right for them. whatever reason that is, it always gets me upset to see my team expand and then contract. even though i'm with this company for only 6 months, i gel with the team real good. and somehow, they're the motivation i have to go work. seeing them every morning each day will perk me up, coz' no matter how stress we are with our overloading work, we still have fun working.

with them around, life in the office was never dull. now these 2 chatterboxes left, things will never be the same.

truly missed them...

2008-08-25T23:02:00.002+08:00

okay okay... i know i haven't been updating recently coz' i'm quite tired actually. and now, i'm hardly at home over the weekends as i'm residing in YM's place. so during the weekdays, i'm busy with work and/or studies. in fact, i haven't touched my laptop for leisure surfing for quite a while.

nothing much really happened though, just that i'm pretty tired again. really cant wait to get over my last semester and somehow this semester seemed to be taking its own sweet time. or this is how everyone would feel when it comes to their last semester? hmm...

YM going to be away soon in Sept, and i'll be alone for the next 6 to 8 weeks. i'll somehow manage to find my own entertainment... sigh...

i'll update again... soon.

desperately shortchanged

2008-08-04T21:39:00.002+08:00

this wedding thinggie is eating a big part of me. maybe coz' i feel i'm fighting a losing battle. i basically using up both of our resources for our wedding, and what we gotten were heaps and heaps of trouble. or did i find trouble for myself?

wedding is a once in a lifetime thing and to my mum, this is just a waste of time and effort, and awfully troublesome. her "modern" concept: just ROM and that's it! yes, i should be grateful to have a mother who's like that but seriously, i believe my wedding should be more than just ROM. if getting married is just another piece of paper witnessed by the Justice of Peace for formality, seriously, why even bother to get married? after all, it's just "formality". so i presume i'm the one who decided to put myself through all those "informalities" huh? however, i know at the end of the day, my life is worth it coz' i've been through and done that. pretty staunch, am i?

since my mum wasn't too approving of me having a wedding dinner, i thought the most she could do was to guide and provide her support. however, the type of support she's ushering to me was to give in to my future-in-laws. WHY SHOULD I!?

they were the ones who said "you want to get married, but we say first, we don't have money to help you." so WHY SHOULD I GIVE IN!? i've to give in just because they're my in-laws? seriously, why should i be giving 2 hoots to people who have no money to help and yet still want things their way? hmm... that doesn't sound right does it? i'm coming out with the money and i'm the one not to be happy about this whole wedding thing???

my mum said that YM was their only son, and it's only right that they would want to invite more people. oh great, now sex discrimination. what's next?

YM said if my mum feels happier to give up "fighting" for tables for the dinner and his parents can tend invite whoever they want, so both sides would be happy. ahem, then what about me? i'm the bride, it's my wedding, and i'm not happy. doesn't sounds right, does it? furthermore, they're not the one to come out with the money... even worse. they seemed to be taking over without having to fork out a single penny. hmm...

i've been shortchanged all my life, having to have 3 brothers ahead of me. so i don't see why i should be shortchanged at this stage and the rest of my life. if i don't fight for my deserved rights, i won't have a place in that home in future.

i'm not being selfish. this is just survival instincts.

someone came back?

2008-07-25T19:15:00.002+08:00

i have lost touch with facebook for quite a while, thought it was awfully crowded with stuff which were pretty useless. initially it was fun but, i guess i grew out of it pretty fast compared to friendster. nevertheless, i still received nonsensical emails informing updates from my facebook profile which i hardly ever opened the mail to see what was it. usually i'll just deleted it straight away without batting an eyelid.

recently, i saw quite a couple of friend's request. and one of the names i coincidentally saw was pretty familiar. so yeap, i finally logged in to check it out.

a friend whom i used to affectionately regarded her as a "sister" suddenly popped back into scene. it's none other than Nadya Masuri - a really close (then) friend back in Secondary school.

she lost touch with me for at least 5 years. or was it me? she chose to further her studies abroad in Australia after her A'levels. initially we kept in contact and when she came home, she'll call me up and we'll hang out. somehow gradually, she didn't bother telling me her coming home and i obviously didn't know coz' i was busy with my poly and all. nevertheless, i do dropped a couple of messages to wish her well on her birthdays, but she never returned hers. i was pretty upset on how we just went on each other's way but i came to term where it's really up to her if she wanted to maintain contacts. after all, she's the one who's away from home and i'm always here. sadly, i personally felt that she should still put in abit more effort though. look at Bellie, i'm still in close contact with her! so i reckon she was never interested to keep contact anyway.

so why suddenly tripped upon my profile and decided to add me? seriously, she could have just looked at my profile and leave silently.

i was pretty skeptical when i confirmed my suspicion. i just can't help it. however, i still added her. she left me a note saying i got prettier and she envied my hair. whatever! i may have added her, but that didnt mean much. i was just being diplomatic.

i went on to view her profile and i reckon she was still in close contact with Andrea Wee. yes, sadly, both of them who're not in SG anymore somehow didn't bother thinking that we all once shared tears and joy together. time difference? yeah, prolly... but i doubt they're 12 hours different from us! one in Australia, another one in NZ. so what huge time difference are we talking here?

anyway, i didn't bother informing both of them about my marriage plans. if they happened to trip upon my profile or blog (again), good for them. otherwise, maybe they can try keeping up with me for a while and see if they're able to revive any friendship here. or not, adios!

long awaited photos!

2008-07-14T22:46:00.005+08:00

yes! i finally got my hands on those photos from the photoshoot! quite pleased with the raw pictures, even though i thought it could have been better. but i'm still happy with everything! efforts are paid off, every single cent out of it.

i've total of 854 pictures in total (including 10% candids), and we're tasked to choose 60 of our favorites to print out onto a album. super tough job! coz' we seemed to be bickering on each other's choice of photo... hahaha... and i only managed to pick out, *gulp* 6 pictures? LOL... yes, i'll be more serious okay? i've as high expectations as all of you out there for the quality of the end product too.

here's a quick sneak peek at my photos:

not too bad huh?

i cant possibly upload everything, but these are some of the gems in the collection. =D leave me some comments if my pictures are good...

alright, gotta go sleep. nights!

tiring but happy

2008-07-03T04:57:00.002+08:00

photoshoot assignment is really a no-joke. it's super tough, and tiring! woke up as early as normal working days and prepare. good thing i had most of my stuff at YM's place, coz' he's more meticulous at such things than i do. so he was assigned to bring my accessories and his suit and matching shoes. my gowns were transported over to the studio by my bridal seamstress, offered by her. so all i need to do was to bring my shoes, my own makeup kit and makeup remover. =D

we started around 10am, taking some shots in the studio. i hadn't do a makeover before, so i definitely know nuts about posing for shoots. YM was worse! he even had difficulty trying to relax. LOL! even the photographer commented he was quite stiff. hahaha... well, he's naturally camera-shy. as for me, ahem, just put it as i've a natural flair. *flips hair*

for outdoor shoots, we went to fort canning and then chinatown. i brought 2 suits out with me: 1 cheongsam and 1 outdoor gown. i was quite blessed with good weather: cloudy and a tad bit breezy. yes, i did sweat but surprisingly it didnt melt my makeup. on various times it did threatened to rain with grey clouds but it never did. phew!

YM had a really loyal friend with him, who especially took leave to assist us since morning. in fact, he was the driver for us that day and he dutifully performed his responsibilities - fetching us around, helping us to take our suits and hand-bouquet. despite that he was in tee, berms and sandals, it was sweating way more than us. however, he didnt whine a wee bit. only to complain that it was humid. of coz', at the end of the day when we went back to the studio for some final shots, he shared with us that he's really tired. and even slept on the couch. poor dear...

YM didn't bring his camera coz' he felt he was pretty overloaded with things to bring. hence, there will be no candid shots for now. so, we just have to wait for my photos to be ready for review.

the photos will come maybe next week or later. coz' in about half an hour's time, i'll be making my trip down to Tioman for a short getaway (desperately requested by YM) and will only be back on Sunday. you thought wrong if you're thinking it's some pre-wedding honeymoon or such, coz' a small bunch of "monkeys" will be tagging as well. oh well, i just hope it will still turn out as a fruitful relaxation getaway rather than.... hectic. so at least i wont be drained (on contrary for a Tioman trip which is supposedly to be relaxing) when i resumed work on the following day.

overall, the photoshoot was really draining, but i enjoyed every moment of it. after all, this is prolly the only time where i looked myself in the mirror and saw something pleasant out of myself and my husband-to-be. this gonna sound crazy, but i wouldn't mind to put myself through another photoshoot! =x

now, i'm falling aslp but i can't sleep coz' i'm leaving soon. i didnt recover from the photoshoot, and i literally felt fatigue when i went to work the following day. so regretful that i didn't take the day off to rest instead. and thinking i can go back home to rest after work, YM and his bunch of "monkeys" suggested to tire ourselves out completely so we get to sleep on our journey to Tioman. and in fact, i just came back from a 4 hours KTV session at PartyWorld in Shenton Way. gawd!

well, looks like i've stayed awake for nearly 24 hours...

a quick update...

2008-06-29T12:25:00.002+08:00

photoshoot is drawing near, and i had my nails done up and my hair colored! now i'm just hoping that my nails would last till the photoshoot on this upcoming Tuesday. i'm not a very demure person so i can't guarantee my nails would still stay as pretty as it should by the time.

went to The Executive at Centrepoint to get YM's tie. he didn't really like the tie which the tailor had made for him the previous time when he got his suit done up. and Ker Ker last minute couldn't lend me his cravat due to some kooky mindsets his wife possessed. hmm... let's not go into that. well, it was a good thing that we had to get ourselves coz' i guess we've found something else which was even more versatile than a cravat and a necktie! =D when i remember what's that called, i'll let u guys know. now prolly the last thing i need to get is a blink-brooch for YM's tie...

i know it sounds quite silly, but i'm really feeling excited!!

hopefully, excitment wont get on top of me so bad that i'm not able to sleep well for the photoshoot!

enjoying...

2008-06-22T23:24:00.002+08:00

i didn't realise that i haven't blogged for a period of time. i was preparing for my exams last week, hoping i'm able to clear that module. otherwise, sigh....

right now, i'm enjoying every minute of my semester break. no assignments, no projects, no classes, and most imptly, no stresses. how i wished this semester is my LAST semester and then i can get to enjoy class-less days like forever! heh! it's nice looking forward to.

have been doing some shopping lately for my wedding accessories. i bought 2 sets of jewelries, and one of them were handmade by one of my girlfriends. so blink, so nice... can't wait to put them on!

counting down, 167 more days left from my singlehood.... and i'm beginning to feel the jitters...

Adrian's wedding..

2008-06-08T22:02:00.008+08:00

even though it's taxing on my pocket to go for wedding dinners, i had to go to Adrian's wedding just yesterday. it was held at Novotel. the food is only alright, nothing to rave about, and well, just the mundane wedding event itinery. mine's prolly the same, with the additional soleumnisation before the dinner starts.

the special thing is probably the montage which was a surprised for Rachel, together with a song which was written by Adrian and he found someone to compose for him. i guess i was expecting a much elaborated reaction from Rach, but sadly, no. she was like too cool.... aww, kinds of spoils the whole element of surprise. darn!

and for some reason, Rachel didn't like me. or in fact, jealous of me just because i'm her husband's good friend. *rolled eyes*. she didn't greet me throughout the whole event, and i guess it must be hard on her trying not to meet my eye. i didn't see her point of being jealous especially when i know her husband even before they got married. if he was interested in me, he wouldn't have to go to the extend to splurge his fortune on her for this wedding, PURELY to make her happy. and i'm not interested to even probe further what's she's thinking.

so since she didn't bother to greet me, i didn't bother to say thanks for the invitation to her. (Sorry Adrian...!) furthermore, she wasn't pleased about the fact where i got invited anyway.

after the wedding, i knew Adrian was like quite high coz' he can't seem to speak properly. and he asked me along to go clubbing. in the end, he didn't encourage me to go as the crowd would be there were not to my liking. was quite worried for him though, as the people going with him are like hardcore drinkers. hmm...

right after the dinner, i went down to Beach Cabana for drinks with YM's friends. feeling awfully out of place at the beach, wearing heavy makeup and dressing so wayang. and the whole makeup was actually my wedding makeup trial, with the hairstyle. i planned my trial makeup to be yesterday afternoon to save the trouble to doll myself when i'm home and looking good at the dinner too!

there're quite alot of fun and laughter over the drinking session but half of the time, i'm too tired to respond. i'm on high heels the whole night and it seriously drains me. but i believe it's good training before my photoshoot. haha...

the fella below is our photoshoot escort:

hiding away from the camera...

again...

and again....

so irritating lor! he refuses to take one decent photo of himself! when he's finally ready to take a pic coz' i got YM to take with him, he did this:

he's always this funny. so i hope there'll be some laughter when he helped us through our upcoming photoshoot....

some really irritating guy

2008-05-28T00:03:00.003+08:00

i'm currently working on a group project that has 5 people, including myself. there are 4 guys and i'm the only girl. this is quite refreshing coz' i never landed myself into situations like this before, even though it's not entirely a bad thing.

the guys are quite proactive in the group, which naturally made me tone down. there was some group discussions in the 1st few lessons but eventually died down a while due to the upcoming mid-term test. so our project came to a standstill, and i got quite lazy about doing my part since nobody is rushing anybody. oh well...

there was a meet-up but i was really tired coz' of my work so i skipped one of the meetings (or was it 2?). however, the boys will send minutes via email to everyone even if whoever's absent. sweet people aren't they?

now we're rushing our parts abit coz' this week is the final week for presentation and submission. nevertheless, some people have to rub me on the wrong side.

i'm assigned to do simple parts like Executive Summary, Background, Competitors' Analysis and Post-Analysis methods. the real actions are taken care by the boys. well, i don't know if they doubted my abilities or what but i didn't argue on my workload. since to me, my parts are really insignificant, i thought i shall just take my time to complete. furthermore, it's only right that i compile the report coz' my parts don't overlap with anyone's work. however, there is this joker who tries to be funny with me.

for some reason (not known to me), this guy Edmund has to push me for my parts. at 1st i thought he needed my parts maybe our parts overlapped. but when i double-checked the task list, no, he's doing the Findings which is in no relation to mine. still, i rushed my parts to send him and left the Exec Summary empty as i'm supposed to summarize the whole report. and when i sent over, i kept everyone else in the loop. apparently, he has to reply in an totally undiplomatic way:

"Hi Elina,

You should voice out during the discussion yesterday to update us, otherwise we do not know your progress especially you have not done the executive summary. Actually for your part not much and somemore it have been a long time to prepare.

Please be honest to us subsequently if you really cannot finish including the compiling of the report, as we still have a lot of parts to cover including the powerpoint not much time.

Appreciate if you do that. Thanks.

Regards,
Edmund "

WTF!

not as if my parts like SOOO significant that without my parts they're not able to proceed right?! i could feel myself turned red, so fustrated about this idiot. i thought for a good while before i replied. i HAVE to reply, i can't just let live since he treated me this way:

"Hi Edmund,

sorry abt the delay, i agree on the fact where i haven't been productive over past weeks. i understand your anxiousness, apologies for causing inconvenience to you.

no, compiling the report doesn't take a huge chunk of my time, it's a matter how soon i get everyone's respective work. now i'm quite confused on how to proceed with my exec summary when i haven't seen everything. maybe it's my common practice to get the exec summary done the last coz' it's supposed to summarize everything, however i guess it may not apply for now.

like i've informed the previous round, i'm actually on leave today and tomorrow, which is meant to complete my take-home exam as well as this project. if my competency to wrap up this project and quality of work are questionable, i'm all ears to suggestions.

greatly appreciate your constructive feedback.

Regards,
elina "

either he couldn't be bothered with me, or he's just one fucked up person, his reply was this:

"Hi Elina,

Thank you. Appreciate that.

Will send you my part once i reach home.

Best Regards,
Edmund "

this guy is seriously pissing me off. maybe he cleverly slipped away from a good argument, which left me hanging, and it obviously didn't feel good! argh!

i thought i let it go. when i've collated the report and sent to everyone, INCLUDING my Exec Summary, i've stated to spot any mistakes just in case i've overlooked. this Edmund fella just have to be my unofficial teacher. he replied the email and sent back my copy only to me and highlighted those paragraphs in my Exec Summary, and added comments that i shouldn't talk about this or shouldn't copy and paste his words and plonked into the summary.

blardy shit! tink i'm some newbie huh?! that's super insulting lor! that's practically questioning my competency!

1stly, i based my exec summary guidelines from a sample report which my other groupmate gotten hold of it, and that blardy sample report gotten a Distinction for that (mind you!); 2ndly, i didn't copy WORD-FOR-WORD, arsehole! since he captured the main points in the main report, obviously i'll used the main points right? of course i rephrased it, DUH!! so what IF i really copied word-for-word? plagarizing our own report from our own report?!?! or i'm supposed to sing a different tune in the exec summary? does he even know what a SUMMARY is?????

if he seriously think he's that good, go ahead and change it la! why does he have to go the extra mile by pointing it out and "you go do the necessary changes". cannot just change on the spot meh?! he must feel that he shouldn't be doing other people's job.... fuck off.

PLUS, he's supposed to find and add in the references and HE DID NOT EVEN PROCEED LOR!! he didn't do what he's SUPPOSED to do and yet comment on other people 1st??? where does he come from? Jupiter???

anyway, after that email i've sent with alot of stings, everyone else kinds of immediately send me their parts. it's quite a queer sight actually. i'm thinking whether they sense some fire from me, or they just sincerely wanted to help me get things going.

even though i'm not exactly a person free of hypocrisy, but this guy is probably ultimate. come to think about it, his pretense... gawd!

i suddenly have a feeling that they might have been talking about me when i'm not around during meetings. it didn't feel good to have such feelings but i know where they're coming from, especially during the times where they didn't see my contributions. at least now i know who would most possibly be the one to bring me up in meetings. and usually, my gut feelings are quite true.

i'm so hoping i won't get to meet him EVER in my final semester next term.

new project, new hopes

2008-05-22T22:14:00.005+08:00

i signed up for HDB alerts quite some time back, quite kiasu about updates on upcoming projects on Build-To-Orders and Design-Build-Sell-Schemes. so today, i received an alert that the new BTO projects are Sengkang and Punggol.

"Homes to be Treasured".... pun intended?? that's pretty much like a bad cliche for a tagline. gawd! i mean, after all that hoo-haa on the facade of oversubsciption to new projects, and resulted many keen subscribers didn't manage to get an appointment to view the flats, so there's alot of controversy going on about that. anyway, they've applied new rules to application of projects like this, which i believe aids 1st-timers like me. =D

after much consideration and careful selection, we felt Punggol project was a better option. despite that i've been ranting how ulu both sides are, i thought of the location and the potential developing projects in near future, we finally threw in 10 bucks of hope to try. here's the reason why i chose this place instead:

the distance between Punggol NEL station and the proposed location is almost exactly the same distance as my current location. i'm bad with maths, so i presume is within 500m range. pretty ideal, even though i didn't like the idea to have an LRT circling round the place. also, i didn't think it's that favorable to stay next to the expressway....

and FYI, those who're interested to get a 2-storey HDB flat, this project offers 23 units for sale. they called it a 5-Room loft. based on the block plan, all the 2-storey houses are located at the top of the building; i.e. the 16th level. something similar to that of a penthouse, even though there isn't an open rooftop offered. quite reasonably priced between $442k to $447k.

there're approximately 1000 units available for this Punggol project. of which, 700 units are 4-rooms. and just today, there're more than 150 hopeful applicants vying on the the same 4-room units as me. probably that's why i didn't see wasting time on pondering whether to ballot or not. even though it's doubtful that they would generate queue number based on 1st-come-1st-serve basis, i didn't feel "secure" till i throw in my 10 bucks.

actually, our ideal project is DBSS at Simei. we threw in our 10 bucks for Punggol is becoz':

1st: DBSS flats are relatively more expensive, hence the affordability issue involved

2nd: we have completely NO idea whether they'll be proposing HDB flats or Executive Condos, coz' the location is like next to EastPoint kind of thing...

3rd: if they would to propose ECs, dang, we have to wait for more projects over the next few years.... bearing in mind that we may have to wait long for a favorable location

4th: i don't want to wait so long to secure a flat lah!

considering that if i really got to secure a unit in this project, i have to wait approx. 3 to 5 years for the completion. that duration is really killing for me coz' i'll be staying with my in-laws - it kinds of explains the rest, doesn't it?

oh well, so i can only hope for the best right now. it's quite exciting, really. i think it's even more exciting than betting that ToTo. kekekeke....

the long weekend

2008-05-20T20:20:00.002+08:00

it was the long weekend which unofficially started right after i knocked off on Friday. after which, the weekend rest stretched up to Monday this weekend for Vesak Day. basically, every night was literally late nights out of clubbing, pubbing and KTV. it was fun-filled, yes, but at the same time it's ultimately tiring. YM's friends are just too "outgoing".

returning to work was really a chore this morning. after all, i woke up in the early afternoons and slept at dawn. gawd! even though it's a pleasantly shorter week, but trying to get oriented on a Tuesday is such a taboo.

to make things worse, the weather is not helping either. it is just sooooo warm that i could even sweat the moment i got out of bed this morning. groan, so sleep wasn't too fulfilling.

right now sitting on my bed, i felt like dozing off. insufficient willpower to get my project going. it's my last 2 semesters and i have lost a huge part of my vibes and motivation to carry on. no good! i need motivation!! i just can't wait for everything to be over!! =(

i think i sprained ankle.... tripped from the stairs. thank goodness i gripped the handle on time, otherwise, i'll prolly sprawled on the floor and grazing other parts of my body. now i cant twist my ankle at a certain angle..... and i began to see swell. hmmm....

千言万语

2008-05-09T19:09:00.002+08:00

i don't need to pen down how much i missed him running alongside with me...

born with expensive skin...

2008-05-04T23:07:00.005+08:00

i was plague with problem-skin ever since i reached puberty. back then, i didn't care 2 hoots how i looked even though my face's glossiness can blind somebody under strong lighting. i can use as many as 2 to 3 blotters for my skin. and yet, my mum reminded me that i'm still young and i shouldn't be anyhow using facial care as i'm still growing and might damage my youthful skin.

i have blackheads, pimples and whiteheads on my forehead, cheeks and noses. even though i wasn't quite close to acne, but breakouts are just as bad. once in a blue moon my mum would bring me to the beautician and squeeze my blackheads. still, it would be back within 1 week.

as i got older and more resourceful, i began seeking information online for help and remedies. also, with higher spending power, i can afford better products even though they're still off-the-shelves. yes, my condition is better but somehow nothing can be cured. there's always breakouts to handle and blackheads to tackle. endless, really. i knew i needed to seek specialist's help and not beautician (as i don't trust them anymore) in order to improve my condition. after harping about it for more than a year, finally, i went to see a dermatologist - a skin specialist.

i went to Maple Clinic in Tampines, as early as 8am in the morning. this clinic is recommended by a bosom friend who also seeked help about her breakouts. apparently, i heard quite good reviews online and from her, so i decided to go try out. i read that queuing is needed and they don't practice appointments system. therefore, yesterday i went to queue at about 8.30am, just about time they opened. i knew i was not very early as i've read online that some are kiasu enough to queue as early as 7am. when i reached there, i was probably the 40+ fella in queue and just in time for one of the clinic staff distributing queue numbers. apparently, the doctor limits to the number of patients to 30. one of the aunties who prolly was the 31st person in the queue failed to get a queue number got quite unhappy and began arguing with the staff. and i heard from the staff that the 1st person in queue was actually there since 6am!! OMFG! how to compete? camp there ah?? it's really ridiculous la....

even though i didn't get to wait long to know the "results", i was pretty disappointed. after all, i finally had some spare cash on hand (thanks to the Government for giving us money...) to go see a skin doctor and i didn't managed to get a consultation.

however, i had an alternative recommendation: Joyce Lim clinic at Paragon Medical Suites. i have some doubts going there coz' i've heard reviews that oral medication would be prescribed on top of the application ones, and there're some side effects. i can't help being skeptical. eventually, since i'm so bend about getting my problem skin right, i travelled down to Paragon on the same day. YM was with me the whole time, he consoled me that we could come down queue again next week. but it's quite silly gambling my chances just to see a doctor no matter how good she can be. and luckily, my choice to visit Joyce Lim was right.

surprisingly, JL clinic operates exactly opposite of Maple. i walked in to register and was told that appointment was needed. i couldn't help showing my disappointment lor. but the receptionist was kind enough to squeeze me in for an appointment, only had to wait for an hour. in the end, i only waited less than half an hour. =D

the consultation was quite fruitful. even though i paid 100 bucks for just consultation alone, knowing its overpriced, but i didn't feel much of the pinch. and fyi, the bill added up with $355 and there's no oral medication involved. alot right? i was prepared and yet not prepared to foot the bill. haha... what i thought was overrated - she carried her own brand of products. her name was splattered almost every medication, and another brand which require doctor's prescription before distribution. smart huh? when you need refills, you have to go back to her. ha!

a follow-up session is scheduled 3 weeks later. i don't know how much i'll spend for that, hopefully it is not another whopping 300 bucks.

since i started working, i spent so much on my face to get my skin right. nothing helped. i hope that this lap would be my final lap for better skin. otherwise, sigh, it's another long process trying to source for help. this journey is so tiring and i so wanna get over and done with it.

Money Matters...

2008-04-29T22:45:00.002+08:00

no matter what i do, eventually i'll still come up with this topic. it's like super sad case for me lor. and it's so demoralizing, especially when i get to see other people enjoying their lives without having to account to anything else other than self.

what i claim my life to be: salted veggie life.

when i've reached the "ideal" age to work, i worked for extra income to pay for my HP bills. otherwise, i'll have no HP. on top of that, my dad won't sponsor my books, so my extra income goes to buying my texts. and then, i bought Fuji. of coz, that's part of my responsibility too. no matter how much i earn, my money is still accounted to something i don't want to pay. how i wished i still have my parents to pay for me.... the only memorable times which i could club my money away was when i first started out as a full-time working professional and i only needed to pay for my HP bills. the best part was i still had spare cash on hand at the end of every month... however, it was obviously shortlived.

maybe at that point in time, i thought of my future too soon. i didn't want to have my future family would be ANY similar to my current ordeal, where even cont'd studying is such a huge financial decision that have to reconsider options. so i ended signing up insurance and savings plan to insure myself and the future... and then slowly more and more bills turned up my way.

so, i'm not wrong when i said i grew up too fast. faster than my age should be.

i cant help having my eyes turned green with envy when i get to witness people more fortunate than me. i felt that they're a bunch of losers coz' they made me feel loserish. ha~!

life is just so unfair.... coz' i have to feel older than i should. *groan* i should meet people older than me, prolly in their late twenties to early thirties so i won't feel that bad. at least, we can talk at the same level. HA!

okay, i'm having mood swings coz' it's Red Day. and most importantly, pay increment is no difference from having no pay increment where i'm still left with meagre income. i cannot even shop when i planned to! do you know how disappointing that is?! i was so looking forward to it some more.... it's till there're so many unexpected expenses came along... so uncalled for. sigh... and i have no more spare cash to shop.... sobx!

now u know y i feel loserish to people who has to money to spend all they want. SOBX!

Colorgenics

2008-04-19T23:56:00.002+08:00

i believe some of you out there has actually did this color test before. basically, it explains your feeling at the point in time, only using colors. different situation will differ the answers.

its nice once in a while to understand my feelings better... =D

Your Complete Personal Profile

You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.

You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm understanding.

You are trying to break away from the mundane existence that you have been experiencing of late. You have many high hopes and ideals but you are concerned whether circumstances will allow you to realise these ambitions. You want to spread your wings - to broaden your fields of activities - but you are concerned that your dreams are just that - 'dreams' which are not realistic. It concerns you that you are not thinking clearly at this time - what you need is to get away from it all, to give you time to think. A short vacation could well restore your confidence.

From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.

You are fed up with other people trying to influence you and you also feel that it is necessary to protect yourself from the threat that your independence and freedom may be restricted. You would just like to be left alone.

http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm

2008-04-19T22:18:00.003+08:00

i used to blog almost every other day or week, now on the average of one month i hardly posted 5 entries. so tired and feeling so sandwiched between job and study. even having to go home early that day, i ended up sleeping later than usual coz' there's always things for me to catch up when i'm home. laundry, ironing, my room, school work or even luxury of surfing around the web and reading Archie comics to relax my brain.

----

YM told me that the likelihood of him going over to US for training is pretty high. if he would be chosen, he'll be going over in March '09 for 2 years. by then, i'll be able to go over with him as my status would be his spouse.

quite a wrong timing though...

i've just started this job in UPS lor. and i'm already getting quite hands-on with almost everything in store for me and beginning to appreciate routine job, the last thing i have in mind is to leave.

if i would to have this opportunity to work there in US, i wouldn't mind. but he told me its unlikely that's possible for god-knows-what reason. the only thing i can do is prolly study. hmm... a good opportunity for me to cont'd my Masters, provided it has been sponsored. otherwise, go there and rot for 2 years?!

-----

suddenly, i miz my mum's cooking. i rmbr she used to whip up really mean soups which would turned me in Jughead for that moment. salty-veg and duck soup, bak kut teh, sichuan veg soup, yellow gourd soup, spinach soup, and her super sour Tom Yam... she would even add salmon into the soup which makes the taste goes WOOOOT!! yum yum... getting hungry!!

i could even recall times where she would even asked me what soup i would like to have for the following week coz' she'll be popping by the wet market for supplies... gawd, that was so spoilt with good food!

i love her porridge too... especially her meat porridge. and many others like sweet potato porridge... the more watery it is, the better it tasted.

and she understands my tummy really well. when she sees me raking the fridge, she would immediately asked, "hungry ah?". and then, she'll whip some some noodles (hardly maggi mee) or fried rice / noodles to tie me over till dinner.

also there were times when she was preparing dinner and i'll sneaked attack some of her dishes. she'll exclaimed, "haiyoh! this mouse come and steal food again!" kekekekeke.... otherwise, i'll scoop a couple of small bowls of soup to satisfy my cravings. yum yum!!

haix, gone were the good ol' days....

she became so heavily involved in her external recreations that she no longers bother to cook "properly". oh well, let's not go into there..

lessons learnt in my life....

2008-04-03T23:21:00.006+08:00

when i happened to read other people's blog and realize that the things they're going through at their age was what i was being put through in the past. i was the same rebellious rascal who never fail to upset my family - my mother per se. i just insisted things to go my way and till now, i still just want it. i don't understand how come i could be so tolerable towards others but just not my family.

i always had this thinking that my family was never sincerely supportive of anything i did. either they would give negative remarks or criticism or totally skeptical of my capabilities to get things done myself. basically, to me, everything they said were of no help and just trying to put me down. i can't stand it. so i learnt the hard way to depend on myself and not even on my family. the pride in myself is invincible. anyway, i can't share anything with my family as we have never bonded. in addition, my brothers always counted me out for any bonding session like games or outdoor activities. after all, i'm the only girl AND the youngest, it's a chore to take care. so i guess a huge chunk of opportunity to bond had slipped away.

i remembered the time when i turned rebellious was purely desperation to get out of my mum's protective shell. imagine having my mum to show up everyday during my recess and she would hang around my school almost every break time i had. my peers were looking down on me and i had no friends. worse still, i got insulted by my teachers too. and you know something? i was only 10 years old and i had to go through all these bullying. perhaps that was the time when enough was enough. primary school childhood memories was something i never could rid from my mind. i wanted so badly to get out of that school and start afresh somewhere. luckily, i graduated and proceeded to secondary school. things became very VERY much pleasant that i treasured so much. in addition, i'd made some really good friends which in turn became one of my dearest friendship in life.

the things i went through including the changes in my family moulded me to be someone which i didn't want to be. i didn't want to get hurt, and i've learnt the hard way to be strong for myself and no one else - an unbreakable barrier surrounded me. what i'm thankful that i was made to think for myself in my teens since there isn't anyone i could really turn to for help.

i don't command respect at home as i'm the youngest and the well-known rebellion, i don't see why i should return the respect. spoilt? i doubt so. i had enough trying to earn trust and respect and no matter how hard i tried, everything i did is still not sufficient coz' nothing nice would ever come out from the horses' mouth. it's so exhausting, really. and that's when i didn't bother anything anymore, i only do things which i like. furthermore, the money earned in the family means the better the capabilites, and hence the more vocal you can be. well, i've learnt to be that realistic at home.

then again, what home?

now it's just a roof over my head which can be mistakenly be a hostel (coz' i basically took care of almost everything from the house monthly bills to the groceries and toiletries) and an empty shell that i sleep in.

nobody is going to sympathize me. so, occasionally i'll sympathize myself and whine alot to feel better (like now). and then, its time to wake up and get a grip. i'll move on from there like i always do. otherwise, i'll feel loserish.

nevertheless, i always wished i could turn back time and mould my life to be the way i wanted myself to be rather than not to be.

when the mood sets in....

2008-04-01T22:09:00.002+08:00

i feel old... i sincerely does. so envious that some people of my age or even older don't go through what i'm put through. everything's so perfect and they live in their perfect little world, totally oblivious to the real world. for this, it irritates me. speaking from sour grapes, these people don't think! no goals, no objectives, no nothing. how can people live without objectives and goals in life!?

and also, i can't take it when people tells me seriously that they want to be some full-time tai tai. kaoz! so spineless! gawd! depending on men is prolly the worst decision in life! and what's next? coz he gives the money to spend and that gives him the authority to control how life should be?! bleah! slap him! and slap the spineless woman who don't think for herself!

okay, i'm just ranting for the sake of it.

my gowns...

2008-03-15T23:37:00.009+08:00

a quick peek into my 1st fitting....

it's quite alot of fun fitting on one by one... tiring too.

i've already picked out those i liked and will be made-to-measure. and at the end of this whole bridal affair, i'll be keeping those gowns! all of them 1st-hand, and also one of them would be design from scratched! heh! those i've chosen will be undergoing some modifications as well. for eg. adding of laces, glitters, shawl, etc etc. of coz, the gowns would have to be made to my skinny frame too.

till then!

2008-03-11T22:24:00.002+08:00

house calls are not something i would take as "helping". knowing that i'm already facing such a huge problem trying to fix 2 incompetent adults, who happened to fall into the category of "parents", and yet just sitting there barely raising an eyebrow of what i'm struggling and still dare open mouth to comment, seriously, that's the last thing i need.

how about paving the road for me, just this once? never this initiative. what about calling the rest of the relatives and shame that obnoxious couple? nope, barely even want any contacts of that sort. transferring money monthly over to the account is prolly the max can be done.

if you happened not to be the lead cast, nobody would exactly know how anxious this whole event, especially dealing with hurtful actions from the heads of the family. or they supposedly to be the "heads" of the family. since the pillars of the family tree have gone separate ways, who is supposedly to be the main support? and even the next main support is uselessly helpless, is there anyone i can still look forward for help?

expectations too high? a matter of "face" to turn up for the banquet is expectations too high? having my OWN family to witness my marriage is expectations too high? in fact, i shouldnt be expecting coz' it SHOULD BE in that way! sorry, probably i haven't come to terms where i'm deemed to be raised by a single parent and not by both (mind you) for my entire 23 years of living.

so i guess if a bride wants her own siblings and parents to be present at her wedding, she's EXPECTING TOO MUCH. coz' theoretically speaking, only one of them present to represent the family can make do.

has anybody think in my point of view? how would it looked upon ME if i've LIVING parents but either one is not there? does anyone consider about me having to face my in-laws? talk is cheap, really. if everything is only surface deep, seriously, that's practically living in vain. i thought older supposed to be wiser, not superficial!

setting my foot straight, whichever childish adult (in the "parents " category) would not turn up for my banquet, aka not giving me face, i won't toast my final cup of tea to him or her. i don't see why would either one of them demand my respect when they didn't respect me. take it as severe ties or whatever you put it, i wouldn't give a damn. after all, i'll be abiding my future-in-laws, not them anymore.

ironically, my in-laws deserved my respect more than my own. even if they would to sympathize me, i can FEEL it. rather than standing at one corner and do NOTHING.

in addition, marriage gifts have given by the in-laws, what have those adults gave me to 陪嫁？don't have to rack your brains, it's easy to guess. NONE (most likely).

anyway, things i'll be paying for myself coz' i don't have the luxury of PROPER family love:

- New bedroom furnitures (including all other accessories)
- Wedding bands
- Pre-wedding photoshoots & Videography
- Wedding Banquet
- Soleumnisation

anybody, SGD$10k ang bao would be good.

2008-03-07T23:59:00.006+08:00

tears stung my eyes. tears rolled uncontrollably. i'm hidden in my bedroom, crying my eyes out. i'm so tired, so emotionally tired. how i wished i'm suffering physical pains rather than challenged emotionally.

so many turmoils, one after another. when will it end?

do i always have to fend for myself? why i don't have parents to support me? why i have no one to turn to when i need help? why is it that my brothers turn their backs on me and choose not to be involved? what have i done in this lifetime to deserve all these?

what did i do to suffer the aftermath of their divorce? why do i have to take the blame for everything they've caused for themselves? why am i sitting here crying for something which is not my fault? why do i have such selfish parents who would not think for their children's happiness?

why can't they just die and make my life easier, for this once?

i didn't realize that, to be a happy bride, would only be a dream for me....

On a happier note….

2008-02-29T10:40:00.001+08:00

I guess I’ll share some good news here to alleviate some of my grievances from the previous entry: I FOUND A JOB!

Just yesterday, I took a half-day off in the afternoon to sign the appointment letter with UPS. Seriously, the day before when they’d called me to inform about my selection, it was quite hard to contain my excitement. Other than the fact where I could still secure a job without having any proper qualifications yet and hands-on experience, they even met up to my salary expectations! I was totally ecstatic! I was telling ker ker I so wanted to scream my lungs out coz’ the feeling was so overwhelming and suffocating all at once. He said, “go ahead!”. -______-“ I was working at that point in time….

With the new job, YM and myself finally heaved a sigh relieve. With more cash on hand, it would really ease a huge load of money matters in regards to our wedding preparations and also the burden which seemed to be borne by YM himself. Otherwise, he would feel imbalanced….

I wouldn’t see the money coming in till the full month payout in April. Hopefully from April to November, we’ll have sufficient backup funds for our dinner banquet. The best circumstances would be excess funds after the dinner, and we can plunge in a couple more months of our salary to our savings so we can afford to go for a solid honeymoon. YM die-hard dream is to visit Old Trafford Stadium and catch a friendly match of Man U, preferably a derby match with Man City (and that’s provided Man U would win). I wanted to visit Europe if I have the chance too…… then again, it’s money again lar.

Right now, the main excitement for me is that we finally could proceed with our wedding preparations. Apparently it came to a standstill from CNY and we couldn’t exactly proceed due to funds matter. Now proceeding according to plan, I actually fixed up an appointment to try on the gowns already. So if my 1st fitting would go smoothly, I would throw in the deposit and secure my gowns. FYI, the gowns are made-to-measure and I would get to keep them! =D so exciting!!! Only after we secure this part, then we would go to the bridal store (in JB) for photo shoot. I guess the only consolation I get from the decision to have our photoshoot done in JB would be me having to make gowns for keepsake purposes. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers.

Anyway, securing of both the gowns and the bridal shoot in JB has to be confirmed by March otherwise everything else in plan would have to rush. Technically speaking, all photoshoot, album and the gowns should be ready by September. At least when they’re done, I can proceed to fret over RSVP for my dinner.

I’ll update my wedding preparations bit by bit. When the event draws nearer, I do need some helpers to organize my actual day itinerary.

THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!

委屈

2008-02-25T17:20:00.003+08:00

why is it that when you're into something serious and the ugly side of that person beginning to rear its ugly head? is it that all these while i'm so blind to the ugly side or the angel i used to know has begin to take departure?

i've heard from others that the journey of the wedding preparations will show the true colors of the partner. i don't know if i've shown my true colors but i'm beginning to see YM's. i can't help stop to ponder whether we should just postpone this whole wedding thing.

i've learnt that some things i need to give in, due to the fact that i need to know how much does it matter to him. if i know this matters to him a whole lot more than i do, i know i need to retreat and let him have it. you can say that i've come to terms where carrying on struggling is useless, might as well let him have it his way when i know i can relent. but now, it seemed that i have to be succumb to him coz' he'll use money to suppress my needs. and because of money, he can disregard almost everything else.... even me. well, apparently he wanted it his way more than my way despite anything. so, who he's marrying -me or himself?

he promised that things would be the same as it was when we're dating. now with all these shit he's giving me, i SERIOUSLY doubt it would be the same.

maybe we should draw things clear: your money is not the same as my money. at least with my money, i can do whatever i could and not even accounted for him. likewise, whatever he wants to do with his finance, up to him.

you know, it's still incredulous that his friend is a 二十四孝老公 where he can respect his wife's decision even though as a 3rd party, i swear sometimes his wife can be really demanding and carries things too far. nevertheless, his objective is wanting his wife to be happy. what about mine? his happiness is his happiness, my happiness is his unhappiness.

will he eventually come to his senses to put me in his priority rather than all day in and out is all about money? perhaps, i would REALLY appreciate if he can stop and think in MY shoes on how i feel.

money has no feelings, I DO!

2008-02-19T23:17:00.002+08:00

i had so much in thoughts - but when i rested my fingers over the keyboard, my mind froze. i don't know where to begin with. hmm...

school
i've completed all my exams for this semester! woot! yeah!

and out of the blue, i've encountered hiccup in my enrolment for next year. apparently, i was told that my fees wasn't paid and i couldn't enroll. ended up having to clarify with Citibank and went down to my school personally to enroll.

after that, my timetable clashes and i'd to appeal for module substitutions.

i got reply from Curtin and managed to appeal for module substitues. and Citibank disburse cheque to my school and now waiting for my school to receive it.... hopefully everything would go as per planned.

job interviews
during my exam leaves, i managed to arrange a couple of interviews here and there. so far, i went only 3, after having to send more than 30 resumes. well, hit rate is that bad lah. one of the interviews was at Singapore Chinese Orchestra - a position too junior for me, so they're not able to pay for my expected. then again, why still waste time asking me down? anyway, i haven't heard from them since the last interview. and i hope i'm not called for a 2nd interview, which i doubt there would be.

the 2nd interview yesterday at Kidney Dialysis Foundation. apparently the CEO and the RDC Manager sat in. seriously, i think they're just taking it out on me. they grilled me like i'm supposed to be grilled and i sincerely thought they were quite rude. i understood that they wanted me to REALLY know what i'm supposed to expect so that i could tell them whether i'm up for it, and in addition, they wanted to make sure the person would stay and not tell them after 6 months that whatever they're doing was "not my cup of tea". it seemed like they're trying to put across, "hey, this is the expectation you're supposed to meet. take it or f**** off." 1st impression: super super bad. this is like my worst interview i've ever been to. with bosses like that, i doubt anyone new in the company can take it.

and today, i had an interview at UPS. such stark contrast to the one i had yesterday. such lovely and polite boss. i guess she liked me, otherwise she wouldn't request a 2nd interview with their HR. she understood the stress i had for studying, hence she even explained that they're able to make arrangements for me to be release for classes. also, she also touched upon career developments in terms of job rotation, and company paying 80-20 for employees to further education. at least at the end of the interview, i felt good and i knew what i'll be in for. rather than KDF, yes they did make sure i understood what i was taking but i guess they needn't to go to the extend of being harshful! gawd, felt like slapping KDF for being such a lousy interviewer.

work
nothing much at work lately. just working for the sake of working, and waiting for things to happen....

now just hoping i can get the job at UPS....

alright, thts so much for now. just finished my exams, a few more weeks rest and i'll begin my final lap to completion of my degree! so, please expect more emo entries from me when my term begins....

emo

2008-02-12T12:05:00.000+08:00

Happy Lunar New Year to all.

and CNY is not exactly very thrilling for me anymore. in fact, i feel its getting worse every year. this year, my reunion dinner is actually at my mum's place. before my bro informed me to be over for dinner just a couple of days before CNY eve, YM's mum offered dinner if i'm not eating with either of my parents. seriously, i felt pathetic.

some more, this year is my last year taking Ang Pow....

just yesterday, i felt even lower. Ker Ker said i'm emo like every other day. LOL. maybe coz' i'm looking for a perm job, and my hit rate is like ultimately low, it affects me really greatly. job market sucks right now? or i'm asking too much? then again, is it that graduates from NUS or NTU deserved to pay much higher than those who achieved offshore or overseas degree? plus, they probably followed the mainstream from College to Uni, with 100% ZERO proper working experience. yet they deserve more?

of coz, considering the fact where i've ZERO knowledge in the field i've studied, means i don't deserved anything more? and what i can fit are those administrative or clerical positions? but, i'm over-qualified for those types of position, yet under-qualified for higher positions. such a dilemma huh? dunno i'm supposed to be in dilemma or the employers.... no lah, we confused each other. *snort*

i went through such a huge round that time has wasted in the result. i'm not getting younger any minute and i feel older than my age. i can't help thinking that more than 4 years of working out there after i graduated with a Diploma, i've achieved almost nothing. it's really depressing.

sigh... i guess its just one of those days every other month i'll sink into such thoughts. i dunno what can motivate me now. maybe some sound advice, guidance to life, and definitely moral support.

finally, i can breathe for a while...

2008-02-05T12:28:00.000+08:00

rushed through the final parts of the project with only less than 5 hours left to attend class at 7pm. my project team somehow unanimously met via MSN and fiercely participated in the discussion to wrap up the report. at half-past 6, we managed to get it printed..... it wasn't easy.

went to class - the last lesson of the semester, and that would very much wrapped up the module for this semester. at the end of the lesson, my huge load lifted off my shoulders. right now, going home was so much more enjoyable even if i'm not meeting YM. coz' i knew i don't have anything waiting for me to be completed and i could really just nuah. even surfing websites are purely counting down to bedtime, rather than doing some research for a project. also, i wouldn't feel so guilty just watching TV when i'm supposed to be rushing datelines.

gawd! i wished this could go on forever!

anyway, right after the CNY i'll be having my 1st paper. in fact, it's my deferred law paper. that module gave me some serious jitters. it would be this 13th. after that, 18 & 19 Feb will be my final papers for the 2 modules. and then, 10 Mar would be the beginning of my last semester. *grinz*

i so SO can't wait to get over and done with.

working for Open House

2008-02-02T10:14:00.000+08:00

wanna sleep....

i'm made to come back to help out at the Open House. as the rest of the department will be very much involved in the whole event, my job would be to jaga the admission counter and to assist candidates to register. *groan* i guess if my job would be abit more "active", i wouldn't mind working. but putting me deskbound from 9am to 6pm.... somebody kill me pls.

i'm so tired... OMG...

2008-01-29T22:13:00.000+08:00

so tired. i'm just so so tired. i can't even choose a day to rest early. even if i'm to pick a day which i foresee i can sleep earlier, i always ended up sleeping close to midnight. not much difference from the days which i'm busy with my projects.

i'm so sick of this kind of lifestyle.

so much effort plunged in for the sake of a better future. and yet, i don't even know how much better my future will be. to juggle studies and work is prolly one of the toughest challenge in life. one hell of an experience. it is so repulsive that i couldn't stand studing any longer.

gimme strength to carry on....

is it all for the money?

2008-01-22T13:35:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i had a job interview. this job was a referral from an ex-colleague, Elaine, just purely on goodwill basis and not under her account or whatsoever. based on what Elaine shared with me before i sent my resume, she briefed me that this MNC company was looking for fresh grads and would be paying about 2.5k. upon confirmation, it'll be about 2.8k. sure sounds tempting, doesn't it?

it's prolly my instincts or i'm worrying too much after i got hooked up with an interview; the job still had some things to do with Sales.

maybe as a marketer, we can never really pull away from Sales. whatever job that is, there would be some part involved in the any spectrum of sales; be it cold-calling, looking for leads and visiting clients and so on.

just as what i've expected: other than marketing activities like organizing events, forecast reports and so on, i will be also have to be involved in certain Sales activities. even though there won't be any targets to meet or my salary is commission driven, my job scope still evolves calling up new leads and so on. haix.

anyway, this company is an IT Security Solutions Distributor. they work in this way where the Channel Program (or Marketers) will be finding the leads, and the Channel Sales will be the ones to follow up and close the deal. so that was what they meant by "i won't be chasing figures" as it'll be done by the Sales department. still, it would still involved cold-calling - the suckiest part of Sales.

Ker Ker told me to just take up the job, and YM too. both of them sang the same tune, "they pay good!" and they told me that i need the money now for the wedding. and they also said that i couldn't possibly be sitting there and wait till the dream job plops on my lap. so since i'll be waiting for that dream job, might as well wait with a good pay rather than a meagre salary at NAFA. i agree with them: but even if i'm not too comfortable with the job scope, i still have to go ahead?

job market for a proper Marketing positions is low, and not many would accept novices like me now. also, they won't be willing to pay that much...

it seems like i don't exactly have much choice huh?

should i just close my eyes and jump in, then decide whether it's good for me?

an enjoyable rat race

2008-01-17T13:58:00.000+08:00

dan da da da~
dan da da da~....
(here comes the bride....)

wedding bells and the typical old-school wedding tune which is usually played over the organ in the church, is ringing in my ears. i prolly won't get to hear that coz' i'm not conducting my wedding in a church. and temples don't play tunes like that. they're likely to be incomprehensible chants and the sound of goooooong~. then again, i'm not a Buddhist and i need not to go to Buddhist temples for wedding ceremony.

really, it's not easy trying to organize a wedding event. what's more, this is MY wedding event. hence, expectations are like up to the sky kind of thing. to make things worse, it's not as if i get married every day to know the checklist of what and how to go about getting things done. it voices down to how resourceful the couple is, and also, if the couple happened to have relatives or friends getting married as well would really help things. they are the ones who're in it, and they can at least give you some light in the murky waters.

bridal packages, banquet halls, solemnisation.... which comes 1st, you know? with some sound advice and basic instincts, i was spot on: banquet halls booking.

i went on forums to check, the brides there booked like almost 2 years in advance. *gasp!* super kiasu lor. so when i rang some prospective restaurants and hotels, to my horror, most of them were like fully booked throughout the year, i became panicky. very soon, i'm much like any of the kiasu brides-to-be out there competing in the rat race - aggressive and unscrupulous. and some restaurants put it quite clear to our faces: "first come first serve". whoever throws down the deposit to book the date 1st, ta-da, winner! you can say it's their marketing tactics and we can't help being slaved to it, but it sure makes you think twice about leaving the restaurant without any assurance of the date you want. of course, every restaurants and hotels have different sets of T&Cs.

well, i took my virgin step in this whole wedding preparation to source for the restaurants. it was quite nerve-wrecking but yet enjoyable to go through these process. it's just like shopping; only it's on another level coz' you're planning for like something this important. but the added catalyst to make this shopping even more exciting is the ambiguity whether others managed to book that date before you did especially after you (and your partner) personally went down to the restaurant to enquire in detail.

so i did my part to source for the restaurants, now is the bridal package. YM voluntarily take up this task, which i felt it shouldn't be too tough as it's much more straight forward and not so much of rat race to compete. rather it is more on the price factor and whether it deliver what they promises in the package.

in a nutshell, you need the following requirements to be eligible to take on the challenge:

1. Patience and mutual understanding with your partner coz' it's hard to have the same opinion in everything

2. Aggressive and quick in thinking; sometimes you can't ponder too long for a banquet location, esp when u know time is running out! so, if both of you like it, within your budget and you can afford the deposit, go ahead and book. then you've one less thing to worry over on top of the list of things to get done.

3. Money! you don't exactly need alot of money la. of coz have more money is better, but the minimum sum that you need for deposit of the banquet and bridal package (if any). however, don't even bet on it when both of your salary doesn't even guarantee that you'll manage to save up to an amount u need for the whole wedding preparation. yes, things may still work out but you'll prolly be struggling with your daily expenses and then, this. so it might tense things up between the both of you.

4. our future in-laws and parents: they can make things quite tough. and not every parents are that easy-going and would leave it to both newly-weds to handle on their own. so, sometimes do make them assured that you're not jumping into any conclusion before having their opinion. of coz, that doesn't imply that you need to listen to their every word. it's just for "show" that you value their 2 cents' worth.

5. don't stress out yourself unnecessarily; you'll prolly still have ample time to put things into place. so work it out with your partner rather than shoulder the full responsibility. teamwork is very crucial to help ease tensions and make this whole event works the way both of you planned. even if you require additional help from friends, just ask!

6. (to be continued... if i manage to think of something else)

fashion 'buangs'

2008-01-16T10:36:00.000+08:00

i guess leggings has recently rocked Singapore's street fashion style. everywhere you go, you'll see people in leggings. from the kids as young as 3 years old, up to old vainpots (like my mum). they come in all sorts of design: lace, ribbons, colorful, stripes, translucent etc etc. and leggings are like so blardy popular until people matches EVERYTHING with that: mini skirts, shorts, dress, oversized tees and more!

do you know leggings are actually underwears, identical to that of stockings? well, even though we don't exactly sell leggings in Lingerie shops, but it acts as thermal wear for colder countries. even though the overly-used of leggings, i would feel most people still matches them quite well. or at least it's not obscene.

i felt i seriously had enough seeing serious fashion disasters walking on the street when i saw this girl wearing a high-waist, full length leggings with a top barely covering the crotch! PUH-LEASE! that is like SUPER OBSCENE lar! that is as good as wearing a pair of pantyhose without a PROPER bottom. imagine the camel-toe and all that hairy affair is being proudly exposed to the world. it's like free porn offered on the streets! no wonder there're signs of increased population of hum-sup ah pek lurking among the crowd.

i wished i have some snapshots of girls in their really BUANG attire. then we can gawk and squirm at fashion disasters, and have a good laugh over at brainless hippies.

mei mei, you're just so farnie lar!

2008-01-12T19:10:00.000+08:00

i just read mei mei's blog, and she seriously made me laugh out loud! WAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! and i can imagine tht Justin confirm tease her untill she'll go crazy!

hahahhahahaha...

it's the silly-yet-truthful side of her made me (and us) reminded how much we just love her for being her even without trying.

*hugs!*

an abandoned dog

2008-01-10T12:56:00.000+08:00

i feel somehow i have this affinity to save abandoned dogs/puppies. it's either i was been told about the poor fella, or i've found it wondering about aimlessly. so far i've met are puppies. sad isn't it? well, we can't blame the pup coz' they just too young to understand or recognize their owner. furthermore, the outside world deemed too intriguing for them to resist the temptation to explore. anyway, at the end of the day, it's a owner's responsibility to take good care of their pets. even if they had reasons to give it away, they really shouldn't just "leave it to fate" to decide on the dog's destiny.

the picture of this cute bear bear...

cute isn't he?

this boy is found sleeping inside a box with a small container of water and some lump of dried food. or i don't think that's food la. if YM hadn't seen a couple hovering over the box, he didn't even notice the box was there, what's more to the content in the box!

to cut the story short, i was on the verge to send this boy to the police station (instructed by SPCA when i called up). then this 2 men intended to walk pass me but stopped when they saw this little fella. and after much consideration (and my desperation to house this pup), he managed to convince himself that he'll take it home while i source for a new owner. yeah!

we exchanged numbers to keep each other updated about the adoption. and just when one of the men brought the pup home, i received a call from him that he didn't know how to handle his whines. *slaps forehead* okay, he didn't have a dog before, so, oh well. *shrugs*

the next day, i was like guilt-stricken and all. i made efforts to sign up pet forums and post ads, hoping to get responds. i even went to pray at the temple near school (which i do everyday).

okay, finally some genuine owners offered to take up this pup. i'm like super relieved! but now, that guy is abit reluctant to let it go coz' "he's quite cute". and when i asked if his family are okay with the dog, he didn't answer me directly and divert me by telling me that he's impressed the way i handled adoption and blah blah blah. so i wasn't pleased but told him politely that i'm doing what i need to do to ensure the pup is in good hands as i don't want to end up "killing" the pup instead of helping it. and then he pleaded to give him over the weenends but my adopter don't wanna wait so long, so he bo bian agreed to gimme the answer by Friday.

haix, the more he drag the more he would be reluctant to give up. and i'm still doubting whether he would really be sincere about adopting him as i feel he's not looking past that cute face. apparently, that "cute face" will still poo and pee. not as if he's cute and cuddly, he won't behave like a living thing. duh!

anyway, i was considering him for myself... a company for Fuji, but, too handful for me la. as much as i would like it, taking in a pup and training it all over again from scratch, it's traumatising la. even though i've survived from that phase, but i'm not too enthusiastic about taking it on.

i'm now hoping for the best, crossing my fingers whoever would to take on the pup is someone responsible.

i'm a kid... yes, i want to be one

2008-01-09T14:22:00.000+08:00

a song which i never really forget, maybe coz it touches my heart, somewhere. now and then, i'll still hum the chorus whenever the feeling came, even though i've forgotten most parts of the song.

if you want, you can go download and hear how it is like. =)

品冠就叫我孩子
作詞：陳靜楠　作曲：品冠　編曲：江建民

只有你會叫我孩子　
用你深情的方式
這樣的稱呼　
只有你知我知　
可以盡情感覺　
不必費心解釋
就喜歡你叫我孩子　
用融化我的姿勢
這樣的擁抱　
能讓風雨停止　
可以放心放肆　
不必多作掩飾

就叫我孩子　孩子在你面前覺得真實
讓我露出本來的樣子　自然說出心事
就叫我孩子　孩子真心何必太多言詞
這是我最想要的名字　只有你懂我　
赤子的心　從未消失

This is Me.

The Peace, Hope, Love, and Joy of a New Year!

for better skin...

2 weeks...

I'm Hired!

the Secret... will it work?

It was good riddance

the Reality starts tomorrow, officially

I've woken up.

好想你。。

i smell a little trouble

single again

i'm still here

Till we meet again, UPS

a narrow escape

finally... a change

will it going to be good...?

i hope he heard us said goodbye...

i've made up my mind

on MC

i've come to a cross junction...

i'm back!!

A brand new year...

Hua is married

nop, not very good

random thoughts

i'm loving it!

*shouts* I'M A CERTIFIED DIVER!!

October....

really tired

maybe PMS-ing

on a serious note...

I'm Unpatriotic

it all makes sense now...

a new look!!

i'm jinx!

For the Bride-to-be

procrastinate

it has been a long while...

tired

updates

tsk tsk tsk

interesting comments

banquet... finally settled

moving forward

things are different...

still... confused

still hurts...

一切让它结束吧

it seems, he's not the guy...

some updates

a new addiction

Looking ahead for another new year...

bored

time..

moving on now...

time ticks by...

Happie 24th BDay to me!

absence (supposedly) makes the heart grows fonder...

it'll be my turn soon...

eventful....

people come and left...

desperately shortchanged

someone came back?

long awaited photos!

tiring but happy

a quick update...

enjoying...

Adrian's wedding..

some really irritating guy

new project, new hopes

the long weekend

千言万语

born with expensive skin...

Money Matters...

Colorgenics

lessons learnt in my life....

when the mood sets in....

my gowns...

On a happier note….

shouts I'M A CERTIFIED DIVER!!