Looking ahead for another new year...

it's really quick, isn't it? it still seem surreal to know that one year has swing past so quickly. and every last day of the year, i can't help looking back and recapping what has happened or what i've achieved. well, it's not as if i lay down yearly resolutions and made sure i adhere to it. no, just pondering why things happened and how it did happened, and what came out of every single situation.

alot of things happened: the ups and the real downs.

i was about to get married and then *poof!*. im still where i am, status quo. however, friends around me are still getting married. sometimes, a bittersweet taste lingers in mouth. i just hope they've found happiness and are really sure about it.

i had my last exam paper this year and im glad im graduating. if my last supp paper goes smoothly, see me in my grad gown in February!!

i managed to find myself a decent paying job that offers me a grad starting pay. i'm glad i'm with UPS, even though i'm not entirely enjoying what i'm doing. at least, i can see where i'm heading to. :)

a new year for me means new beginnings. nop, i don't have the habit to fix myself any resolutions and i won't begin doing do. the next hurdle for me would be still the CNY, and i believe you guys should know why. at least after the 1st month, i can finally put myself at ease and slowly work things out. i'm still looking forward to reconciliation, but its only a matter of time. as for now, work more, earn more money. otherwise, tsk tsk, i'm almost barely feeding myself.

i'll remember: to love myself more, earn more money, get myself a good tan, more holiday plans with all of my beloved chicks (includes you, Joan), get a new phone, pack my room (when i feel like it), give unconditional loves to all of my sisters and brother(s) who're only a phone-call away, and of coz', continue to improve myself to be a better person.

here, i would also like to thank those who stood at my side during my darkest days. if it wasn't for all of you, i wouldn't have managed to pull through all odds. life is made easier coz' you people are always standing nearby.

Happy New Year, everyone. I Love You...

bored

life is getting boring for me... nothing to do, getting sleepy but yet reluctant to catch some sleep. i'll still have many Fridays for me to waste, but still....

my ankle is recovering, and i'm now on ankle guard rather than bandage. have been dutifully visiting the sinseh every 3 days coz' i'm desperate enough to wear my heels again. however, it's really dreadful to be going through the "therapy". everytime they touched the sore spot, i would cringe at excruciating pain. it's to the extend i would break out in cold sweat and i was near to tears. by far, i've always sucked in my tears and bear the pain. the worse i have gotten was letting out whines to relieve the stress i felt. as much as i want my ankle to heal, i seriously hated going through the process. well, at least now i can walk properly, rotate my ankle, but still, i cant cross my leg...

x'mas is coming soon, and i loved this season. however, it would be different for me this year. whether i'm still loving it as much as i used to, well, i dunno. for once, perhaps, i'm not really looking forward to x'mas, CNY and Valentine's...

time..

reading the name of my blog, i realize it's such a cliche and yet so true. i don't remember how i derived this back then...

life have been busy... drowning myself at work is prolly the best thing for me right now. considering that i've clocked 12 hours of OT this week, staying past 9pm for 3 consecutive days. i felt the fatigue.

weekends are saved for friends, going out whenever i can, get as occupied as i could to make weekends bearable. things has begin to change for the better. and that fateful day has past too... i could've been married by now. however, i'm glad i'm still sitting in my comfort zone in my room, nothing has changed. maybe some other things have... no, i haven't regretted the decision. perhaps, it's still the best thing i did and i'm glad i did that. it may not be entirely sensible, but i'm sure i'm still sane.

the next hurdle would be CNY... suddenly, i'm not looking forward to that day after how everything has turned out. i wished i could just pack my bags and leave the country for that few days. or maybe i can book a ticket for myself for a short getaway to avoid anything coming my way.... especially those nosey-parkers. anyone out there willing to sacrifice your red packets for me? *hopeful*

time is essence to me right now... coz' time heals things slowly, and put everything back the way it is. even though it may be a long and slow process, that's what i need now...

moving on now...

i dont know how much i can reveal here... those who know, should have known what happened. i'm picking up the pieces and it'll not be easy. i was prepared for the aftermath, but it somehow gotten worse than i was prepared for. maybe i've underestimated this whole thing, so i'm paying my feelings for this.

i'll be taking a break for a while. one month, 2 months... undefined.

i feel so drained... tired from what i put myself through.

time ticks by...

as the timer shows, my days are numbered. i guess there wouldn't be an opportunity for me to back out of anything even if i want... everything has seemed to fall into place, and yar, i think i would have to put myself through this...

after strolling alone in that huge piece of grassland, my feet led me downslopes, heading towards a tunnel. i can see light, but i can't see anything there yet. every step i took became a bear, and with much caution. the smell of air was damp and stale. something is calling and watching me from behind. i stood there in my tracks, didn't know what to do. yet, i told myself i should walk forward. anxiety overwhelms me and i almost couldn't breathe. i saw myself already made half my way through the longwinding tunnel, i lean against the damp wall, beginning to crouch. i hugged my knees and felt like crying, feeling so lost and trapped in my thoughts. perhaps that's what i'll get when the mind and heart lost their synchronization.

i screamed and no one hears me. my voices echoed in the midst of the tunnel. no one was there at the point i stopped walking... no motivation. no point of crying, its simply redundant. i felt silly.

the walk to the end of the tunnel is inevitable, and i know i will make myself walk through this, even though the feeling's not going to be how i should supposed to feel. and that's what my mind is telling me: do things i have to do and do it right.

suddenly, i'm not so sure of myself anymore...

Happie 24th BDay to me!

this is perhaps the only bdaywhich i'll treasure for the rest of my life. simply coz' its my last single's bday. i don't know how different it would be in future to be celebrating as a married woman, but as of now, this last bday as a singleton is something memorable to me.

my teammates shared among themselves and presented me $160 worth of Capitaland vouchers. alot huh? and vouchers are supposedly to be a norm in my team for bdays. 1stly, it's practical and 2ndly, you can never go wrong with vouchers. *LOL*.

YM's gang were a sweet bunch of people. they shared among themselves and bought me a Gucci handphone strap! hahaha... my very 1st branded gift and very 1st owned branded. i've never by far owned anything branded and now i do. pretty exciting though, even though it's a handphone strap. haha... they gave me the present on my bday eve where we headed for dinner and clubbing at Boilers Room. in addition, i signed up their Ladies' member. initially i thought they would pay for the Lady's card but in the end, i didn't have a heart to. after all, they've already bought a Gucci present which to some, may hurt their pocket. in addition, going clubbing would be on their expense as well. so, they've done enough for me. glad i had fun, and it's perhaps my 1st time as well, to be clubbing with all men (w/o YM around). great experience as i don't land myself in situations like this.

on my bday itself, my gang's turn to meet up with me. in the end, Bel wasn't feeling well and had to stay home. so which only left Ra and Mun. even though this was like a no-frills meeting, i enjoyed their company so much. and what i love about hanging out with them: endless topics to talk about. maybe it's just a girl's nature to keep talking, however, i feel chemistry among each other is so blardy important. and i'm so glad our chemistry are still there despite the fact we weren't in constant contact with each other. just wanna tell you how much i appreciated your presence...love you guys!

after meeting with the girls, i continued my session with some of YM's friends. basically one of them was hurting about his recent broke-up with his gf and we kind of "flocked" down to see what we could do. we ended up chilling at East Coast, usual hangout, Beach Cabana.

so that's pretty much marks my last singleton bday. even though every bday i had is very simple, i enjoyed how everything turned out. i know i'm so gonna missed my singlehood...

absence (supposedly) makes the heart grows fonder...

YM is "out of my life" for 3 wholesome weekends. not that he totally detached himself from my life; we still chat on the phone for a few minutes every other day and it's like a one-sided affair thinggie where i msged him but he didnt respond. it's not really encouraging on my side coz' i don't get to hear much from him. of coz', he would still sneak a few msges telling me he's missing me and all...

i tried to keep myself occupied while he's away. by far, his bunch of friends are actually very sweet towards me: they would call me out over the weekends for movies, dins or ktv. yes, it's hefty on my wallet considering everyone's going on dutch. YM would be there to pay for my share y'know...

other than that bunch of friends, i was also in contact with mr. X, an ex-colleague from UPS. we would also be out for dinners and/or movies too. so it's another expense again...

so for these 3 weekends, my time were neatly occupied. not alot of time were spent thinking of YM, which is good and also bad. needless to go further in that... and my weekdays were working...

now that i've wrapped up my semester, leaving with just one more session of intensive lecture this weekend, i'm pretty much done with studies other than waiting for the final clearance of exams in mid-Nov. can't wait for exams to be over...

somehow, i didn't allow myself to feel lost without him by my side. even though it's temporary and for just 6 weeks, i made myself as busy as i could even though it drained me at the end of every week. however, that's how i felt could make my time past faster. then again, i may not receive total understanding from him. it's hard to explain when i'm here and he's there, and there's so much i could do to assure him. i'm suddenly lost...

right now, it's a good time for me to spend time with myself and things i enjoyed doing alone. after all, what's the possibility that i'll have such chances after i'm married? however, i've gotten too lonesome and he couldn't take it.

i can't possibly be sitting there all day and sulking upon his absence! since i have my space right now, of coz' i'm making full use of it. so i guess it irks him to know i'm enjoying myself without him while he's slogging his guts out. right... oh yeah, i understand that green-eyed feeling. but i don't deny that i'm REALLY enjoying myself to the max. perhaps it's refreshing for me to get a breather after being so sticky to YM for the past 4 years... even though it's only a short period of time, but i thought it's essential. so at least with this "breath of fresh air", i'm ready to embrace a new stage of life when he's back.

then again, he just can't see the point...

it'll be my turn soon...

went to bellie's convo today at the Raffles Convention Centre... it's nice to be seeing friends graduating. and so glad that i know this bunch of friends (and others as well) to be my main motivation for pursuing further studies. it's painful to be juggling both work and studies, but all will eventually come to an end, depend how soon it is.

i can't wait to be in my graduation ropes and throwing the mortar board up in the air. i don't know if i'll be able to see any familiar faces at the day of my convo, considering that most of the people i knew grad today. oh well....

my convo will be somewhere around this time next year. by then i believe i've turned moldy waiting for the graduation. whatever excitement i had would prolly have faded away. and then, i'm merely going through the process rather than enjoying it. haix... think too much again.

alright, time for bed.

eventful....

as many of you know, YM has already left for aussie and he's surviving well in Wallaby for the past week. we're still in contact, calling each other for a couple of minutes at night and me messaging him my activities back home. for the past few days, i can't help feeling lost coz' i depended on him to ferry me around whenever i needed help with the dog.

did you guys know that Fuji got cataract? yeah, he's only turned 6 and he contracted cataract. i was crossing my fingers that he needn't any surgery but its quite unlikely to come true. the 1st 2 checkups had YM to ferry me around. the last checkup at Mt. Pleasant Animal Hospital, i had to go with my mum. and subsequent visits which lead to his surgery and all, i had to get going myself. not even my brother was willing to help me. other than his "generosity" to pay for the surgery and the loan of his car, he didnt even want to flinch a muscle on bringing Fuji anywhere. i had to take emergency leave just to bring Fuji for his surgery. sometimes, it's no wonder i don't respect my eldest brother.

anyway, Fuji is still put up at my mum's place. and i just came back from a follow-up with the local eye specialist located at the Clementi branch. tired... at least i'm happy that my boy can finally regained his reflexes on his left eye. when i looked him through his eyes, they're both clear! i guess, S$3500 surgery is every cent worth. ha!

alright now, nothing much to do today. still hoping some kind soul would date me out this evening. i was being invited to go to St. James tonight with a bunch of classmates whom i'm not too close with. and i'm going next Friday with Hua and Mei to finish up our outstandings at Boiler's Room. so i guess most likely i'll be giving that clubbing session a miss.

while YM is away, his friend is kind enough to contact me and asked me out with the usual group of friends. however, its quite taxing on my pocket to keep going out liddat. even so, i hate wasting time at home liddat. oh well, let's see what i'll have as the time passes by....

sometimes i wonder what did i do with my time before i met YM... hmm....

people come and left...

it's part and parcel of life to be working in a company and people will leave when the time is right for them. whatever reason that is, it always gets me upset to see my team expand and then contract. even though i'm with this company for only 6 months, i gel with the team real good. and somehow, they're the motivation i have to go work. seeing them every morning each day will perk me up, coz' no matter how stress we are with our overloading work, we still have fun working.

with them around, life in the office was never dull. now these 2 chatterboxes left, things will never be the same.

truly missed them...

okay okay... i know i haven't been updating recently coz' i'm quite tired actually. and now, i'm hardly at home over the weekends as i'm residing in YM's place. so during the weekdays, i'm busy with work and/or studies. in fact, i haven't touched my laptop for leisure surfing for quite a while.

nothing much really happened though, just that i'm pretty tired again. really cant wait to get over my last semester and somehow this semester seemed to be taking its own sweet time. or this is how everyone would feel when it comes to their last semester? hmm...

YM going to be away soon in Sept, and i'll be alone for the next 6 to 8 weeks. i'll somehow manage to find my own entertainment... sigh...

i'll update again... soon.

desperately shortchanged

this wedding thinggie is eating a big part of me. maybe coz' i feel i'm fighting a losing battle. i basically using up both of our resources for our wedding, and what we gotten were heaps and heaps of trouble. or did i find trouble for myself?

wedding is a once in a lifetime thing and to my mum, this is just a waste of time and effort, and awfully troublesome. her "modern" concept: just ROM and that's it! yes, i should be grateful to have a mother who's like that but seriously, i believe my wedding should be more than just ROM. if getting married is just another piece of paper witnessed by the Justice of Peace for formality, seriously, why even bother to get married? after all, it's just "formality". so i presume i'm the one who decided to put myself through all those "informalities" huh? however, i know at the end of the day, my life is worth it coz' i've been through and done that. pretty staunch, am i?

since my mum wasn't too approving of me having a wedding dinner, i thought the most she could do was to guide and provide her support. however, the type of support she's ushering to me was to give in to my future-in-laws. WHY SHOULD I!?

they were the ones who said "you want to get married, but we say first, we don't have money to help you." so WHY SHOULD I GIVE IN!? i've to give in just because they're my in-laws? seriously, why should i be giving 2 hoots to people who have no money to help and yet still want things their way? hmm... that doesn't sound right does it? i'm coming out with the money and i'm the one not to be happy about this whole wedding thing???

my mum said that YM was their only son, and it's only right that they would want to invite more people. oh great, now sex discrimination. what's next?

YM said if my mum feels happier to give up "fighting" for tables for the dinner and his parents can tend invite whoever they want, so both sides would be happy. ahem, then what about me? i'm the bride, it's my wedding, and i'm not happy. doesn't sounds right, does it? furthermore, they're not the one to come out with the money... even worse. they seemed to be taking over without having to fork out a single penny. hmm...

i've been shortchanged all my life, having to have 3 brothers ahead of me. so i don't see why i should be shortchanged at this stage and the rest of my life. if i don't fight for my deserved rights, i won't have a place in that home in future.

i'm not being selfish. this is just survival instincts.

someone came back?

i have lost touch with facebook for quite a while, thought it was awfully crowded with stuff which were pretty useless. initially it was fun but, i guess i grew out of it pretty fast compared to friendster. nevertheless, i still received nonsensical emails informing updates from my facebook profile which i hardly ever opened the mail to see what was it. usually i'll just deleted it straight away without batting an eyelid.

recently, i saw quite a couple of friend's request. and one of the names i coincidentally saw was pretty familiar. so yeap, i finally logged in to check it out.

a friend whom i used to affectionately regarded her as a "sister" suddenly popped back into scene. it's none other than Nadya Masuri - a really close (then) friend back in Secondary school.

she lost touch with me for at least 5 years. or was it me? she chose to further her studies abroad in Australia after her A'levels. initially we kept in contact and when she came home, she'll call me up and we'll hang out. somehow gradually, she didn't bother telling me her coming home and i obviously didn't know coz' i was busy with my poly and all. nevertheless, i do dropped a couple of messages to wish her well on her birthdays, but she never returned hers. i was pretty upset on how we just went on each other's way but i came to term where it's really up to her if she wanted to maintain contacts. after all, she's the one who's away from home and i'm always here. sadly, i personally felt that she should still put in abit more effort though. look at Bellie, i'm still in close contact with her! so i reckon she was never interested to keep contact anyway.

so why suddenly tripped upon my profile and decided to add me? seriously, she could have just looked at my profile and leave silently.

i was pretty skeptical when i confirmed my suspicion. i just can't help it. however, i still added her. she left me a note saying i got prettier and she envied my hair. whatever! i may have added her, but that didnt mean much. i was just being diplomatic.

i went on to view her profile and i reckon she was still in close contact with Andrea Wee. yes, sadly, both of them who're not in SG anymore somehow didn't bother thinking that we all once shared tears and joy together. time difference? yeah, prolly... but i doubt they're 12 hours different from us! one in Australia, another one in NZ. so what huge time difference are we talking here?

anyway, i didn't bother informing both of them about my marriage plans. if they happened to trip upon my profile or blog (again), good for them. otherwise, maybe they can try keeping up with me for a while and see if they're able to revive any friendship here. or not, adios!

long awaited photos!

yes! i finally got my hands on those photos from the photoshoot! quite pleased with the raw pictures, even though i thought it could have been better. but i'm still happy with everything! efforts are paid off, every single cent out of it.

i've total of 854 pictures in total (including 10% candids), and we're tasked to choose 60 of our favorites to print out onto a album. super tough job! coz' we seemed to be bickering on each other's choice of photo... hahaha... and i only managed to pick out, *gulp* 6 pictures? LOL... yes, i'll be more serious okay? i've as high expectations as all of you out there for the quality of the end product too.

here's a quick sneak peek at my photos:

not too bad huh?

i cant possibly upload everything, but these are some of the gems in the collection. =D leave me some comments if my pictures are good...

alright, gotta go sleep. nights!

tiring but happy

photoshoot assignment is really a no-joke. it's super tough, and tiring! woke up as early as normal working days and prepare. good thing i had most of my stuff at YM's place, coz' he's more meticulous at such things than i do. so he was assigned to bring my accessories and his suit and matching shoes. my gowns were transported over to the studio by my bridal seamstress, offered by her. so all i need to do was to bring my shoes, my own makeup kit and makeup remover. =D

we started around 10am, taking some shots in the studio. i hadn't do a makeover before, so i definitely know nuts about posing for shoots. YM was worse! he even had difficulty trying to relax. LOL! even the photographer commented he was quite stiff. hahaha... well, he's naturally camera-shy. as for me, ahem, just put it as i've a natural flair. *flips hair*

for outdoor shoots, we went to fort canning and then chinatown. i brought 2 suits out with me: 1 cheongsam and 1 outdoor gown. i was quite blessed with good weather: cloudy and a tad bit breezy. yes, i did sweat but surprisingly it didnt melt my makeup. on various times it did threatened to rain with grey clouds but it never did. phew!

YM had a really loyal friend with him, who especially took leave to assist us since morning. in fact, he was the driver for us that day and he dutifully performed his responsibilities - fetching us around, helping us to take our suits and hand-bouquet. despite that he was in tee, berms and sandals, it was sweating way more than us. however, he didnt whine a wee bit. only to complain that it was humid. of coz', at the end of the day when we went back to the studio for some final shots, he shared with us that he's really tired. and even slept on the couch. poor dear...

YM didn't bring his camera coz' he felt he was pretty overloaded with things to bring. hence, there will be no candid shots for now. so, we just have to wait for my photos to be ready for review.

the photos will come maybe next week or later. coz' in about half an hour's time, i'll be making my trip down to Tioman for a short getaway (desperately requested by YM) and will only be back on Sunday. you thought wrong if you're thinking it's some pre-wedding honeymoon or such, coz' a small bunch of "monkeys" will be tagging as well. oh well, i just hope it will still turn out as a fruitful relaxation getaway rather than.... hectic. so at least i wont be drained (on contrary for a Tioman trip which is supposedly to be relaxing) when i resumed work on the following day.

overall, the photoshoot was really draining, but i enjoyed every moment of it. after all, this is prolly the only time where i looked myself in the mirror and saw something pleasant out of myself and my husband-to-be. this gonna sound crazy, but i wouldn't mind to put myself through another photoshoot! =x





now, i'm falling aslp but i can't sleep coz' i'm leaving soon. i didnt recover from the photoshoot, and i literally felt fatigue when i went to work the following day. so regretful that i didn't take the day off to rest instead. and thinking i can go back home to rest after work, YM and his bunch of "monkeys" suggested to tire ourselves out completely so we get to sleep on our journey to Tioman. and in fact, i just came back from a 4 hours KTV session at PartyWorld in Shenton Way. gawd!

well, looks like i've stayed awake for nearly 24 hours...

a quick update...

photoshoot is drawing near, and i had my nails done up and my hair colored! now i'm just hoping that my nails would last till the photoshoot on this upcoming Tuesday. i'm not a very demure person so i can't guarantee my nails would still stay as pretty as it should by the time.

went to The Executive at Centrepoint to get YM's tie. he didn't really like the tie which the tailor had made for him the previous time when he got his suit done up. and Ker Ker last minute couldn't lend me his cravat due to some kooky mindsets his wife possessed. hmm... let's not go into that. well, it was a good thing that we had to get ourselves coz' i guess we've found something else which was even more versatile than a cravat and a necktie! =D when i remember what's that called, i'll let u guys know. now prolly the last thing i need to get is a blink-brooch for YM's tie...

i know it sounds quite silly, but i'm really feeling excited!!

hopefully, excitment wont get on top of me so bad that i'm not able to sleep well for the photoshoot!

enjoying...

i didn't realise that i haven't blogged for a period of time. i was preparing for my exams last week, hoping i'm able to clear that module. otherwise, sigh....

right now, i'm enjoying every minute of my semester break. no assignments, no projects, no classes, and most imptly, no stresses. how i wished this semester is my LAST semester and then i can get to enjoy class-less days like forever! heh! it's nice looking forward to.

have been doing some shopping lately for my wedding accessories. i bought 2 sets of jewelries, and one of them were handmade by one of my girlfriends. so blink, so nice... can't wait to put them on!

counting down, 167 more days left from my singlehood.... and i'm beginning to feel the jitters...

Adrian's wedding..

even though it's taxing on my pocket to go for wedding dinners, i had to go to Adrian's wedding just yesterday. it was held at Novotel. the food is only alright, nothing to rave about, and well, just the mundane wedding event itinery. mine's prolly the same, with the additional soleumnisation before the dinner starts.

the special thing is probably the montage which was a surprised for Rachel, together with a song which was written by Adrian and he found someone to compose for him. i guess i was expecting a much elaborated reaction from Rach, but sadly, no. she was like too cool.... aww, kinds of spoils the whole element of surprise. darn!

and for some reason, Rachel didn't like me. or in fact, jealous of me just because i'm her husband's good friend. *rolled eyes*. she didn't greet me throughout the whole event, and i guess it must be hard on her trying not to meet my eye. i didn't see her point of being jealous especially when i know her husband even before they got married. if he was interested in me, he wouldn't have to go to the extend to splurge his fortune on her for this wedding, PURELY to make her happy. and i'm not interested to even probe further what's she's thinking.

so since she didn't bother to greet me, i didn't bother to say thanks for the invitation to her. (Sorry Adrian...!) furthermore, she wasn't pleased about the fact where i got invited anyway.

after the wedding, i knew Adrian was like quite high coz' he can't seem to speak properly. and he asked me along to go clubbing. in the end, he didn't encourage me to go as the crowd would be there were not to my liking. was quite worried for him though, as the people going with him are like hardcore drinkers. hmm...

right after the dinner, i went down to Beach Cabana for drinks with YM's friends. feeling awfully out of place at the beach, wearing heavy makeup and dressing so wayang. and the whole makeup was actually my wedding makeup trial, with the hairstyle. i planned my trial makeup to be yesterday afternoon to save the trouble to doll myself when i'm home and looking good at the dinner too!

there're quite alot of fun and laughter over the drinking session but half of the time, i'm too tired to respond. i'm on high heels the whole night and it seriously drains me. but i believe it's good training before my photoshoot. haha...

the fella below is our photoshoot escort:

hiding away from the camera...

again...

and again....

so irritating lor! he refuses to take one decent photo of himself! when he's finally ready to take a pic coz' i got YM to take with him, he did this:

he's always this funny. so i hope there'll be some laughter when he helped us through our upcoming photoshoot....

some really irritating guy

i'm currently working on a group project that has 5 people, including myself. there are 4 guys and i'm the only girl. this is quite refreshing coz' i never landed myself into situations like this before, even though it's not entirely a bad thing.

the guys are quite proactive in the group, which naturally made me tone down. there was some group discussions in the 1st few lessons but eventually died down a while due to the upcoming mid-term test. so our project came to a standstill, and i got quite lazy about doing my part since nobody is rushing anybody. oh well...

there was a meet-up but i was really tired coz' of my work so i skipped one of the meetings (or was it 2?). however, the boys will send minutes via email to everyone even if whoever's absent. sweet people aren't they?

now we're rushing our parts abit coz' this week is the final week for presentation and submission. nevertheless, some people have to rub me on the wrong side.

i'm assigned to do simple parts like Executive Summary, Background, Competitors' Analysis and Post-Analysis methods. the real actions are taken care by the boys. well, i don't know if they doubted my abilities or what but i didn't argue on my workload. since to me, my parts are really insignificant, i thought i shall just take my time to complete. furthermore, it's only right that i compile the report coz' my parts don't overlap with anyone's work. however, there is this joker who tries to be funny with me.

for some reason (not known to me), this guy Edmund has to push me for my parts. at 1st i thought he needed my parts maybe our parts overlapped. but when i double-checked the task list, no, he's doing the Findings which is in no relation to mine. still, i rushed my parts to send him and left the Exec Summary empty as i'm supposed to summarize the whole report. and when i sent over, i kept everyone else in the loop. apparently, he has to reply in an totally undiplomatic way:

"Hi Elina,

You should voice out during the discussion yesterday to update us, otherwise we do not know your progress especially you have not done the executive summary. Actually for your part not much and somemore it have been a long time to prepare.

Please be honest to us subsequently if you really cannot finish including the compiling of the report, as we still have a lot of parts to cover including the powerpoint not much time.

Appreciate if you do that. Thanks.

Regards,
Edmund "


WTF!

not as if my parts like SOOO significant that without my parts they're not able to proceed right?! i could feel myself turned red, so fustrated about this idiot. i thought for a good while before i replied. i HAVE to reply, i can't just let live since he treated me this way:


"Hi Edmund,

sorry abt the delay, i agree on the fact where i haven't been productive over past weeks. i understand your anxiousness, apologies for causing inconvenience to you.

no, compiling the report doesn't take a huge chunk of my time, it's a matter how soon i get everyone's respective work. now i'm quite confused on how to proceed with my exec summary when i haven't seen everything. maybe it's my common practice to get the exec summary done the last coz' it's supposed to summarize everything, however i guess it may not apply for now.

like i've informed the previous round, i'm actually on leave today and tomorrow, which is meant to complete my take-home exam as well as this project. if my competency to wrap up this project and quality of work are questionable, i'm all ears to suggestions.

greatly appreciate your constructive feedback.

Regards,
elina "


either he couldn't be bothered with me, or he's just one fucked up person, his reply was this:


"Hi Elina,

Thank you. Appreciate that.

Will send you my part once i reach home.

Best Regards,
Edmund "


this guy is seriously pissing me off. maybe he cleverly slipped away from a good argument, which left me hanging, and it obviously didn't feel good! argh!

i thought i let it go. when i've collated the report and sent to everyone, INCLUDING my Exec Summary, i've stated to spot any mistakes just in case i've overlooked. this Edmund fella just have to be my unofficial teacher. he replied the email and sent back my copy only to me and highlighted those paragraphs in my Exec Summary, and added comments that i shouldn't talk about this or shouldn't copy and paste his words and plonked into the summary.

blardy shit! tink i'm some newbie huh?! that's super insulting lor! that's practically questioning my competency!

1stly, i based my exec summary guidelines from a sample report which my other groupmate gotten hold of it, and that blardy sample report gotten a Distinction for that (mind you!); 2ndly, i didn't copy WORD-FOR-WORD, arsehole! since he captured the main points in the main report, obviously i'll used the main points right? of course i rephrased it, DUH!! so what IF i really copied word-for-word? plagarizing our own report from our own report?!?! or i'm supposed to sing a different tune in the exec summary? does he even know what a SUMMARY is?????

if he seriously think he's that good, go ahead and change it la! why does he have to go the extra mile by pointing it out and "you go do the necessary changes". cannot just change on the spot meh?! he must feel that he shouldn't be doing other people's job.... fuck off.

PLUS, he's supposed to find and add in the references and HE DID NOT EVEN PROCEED LOR!! he didn't do what he's SUPPOSED to do and yet comment on other people 1st??? where does he come from? Jupiter???

anyway, after that email i've sent with alot of stings, everyone else kinds of immediately send me their parts. it's quite a queer sight actually. i'm thinking whether they sense some fire from me, or they just sincerely wanted to help me get things going.

even though i'm not exactly a person free of hypocrisy, but this guy is probably ultimate. come to think about it, his pretense... gawd!

i suddenly have a feeling that they might have been talking about me when i'm not around during meetings. it didn't feel good to have such feelings but i know where they're coming from, especially during the times where they didn't see my contributions. at least now i know who would most possibly be the one to bring me up in meetings. and usually, my gut feelings are quite true.

i'm so hoping i won't get to meet him EVER in my final semester next term.

new project, new hopes

i signed up for HDB alerts quite some time back, quite kiasu about updates on upcoming projects on Build-To-Orders and Design-Build-Sell-Schemes. so today, i received an alert that the new BTO projects are Sengkang and Punggol.

"Homes to be Treasured".... pun intended?? that's pretty much like a bad cliche for a tagline. gawd! i mean, after all that hoo-haa on the facade of oversubsciption to new projects, and resulted many keen subscribers didn't manage to get an appointment to view the flats, so there's alot of controversy going on about that. anyway, they've applied new rules to application of projects like this, which i believe aids 1st-timers like me. =D

after much consideration and careful selection, we felt Punggol project was a better option. despite that i've been ranting how ulu both sides are, i thought of the location and the potential developing projects in near future, we finally threw in 10 bucks of hope to try. here's the reason why i chose this place instead:

the distance between Punggol NEL station and the proposed location is almost exactly the same distance as my current location. i'm bad with maths, so i presume is within 500m range. pretty ideal, even though i didn't like the idea to have an LRT circling round the place. also, i didn't think it's that favorable to stay next to the expressway....

and FYI, those who're interested to get a 2-storey HDB flat, this project offers 23 units for sale. they called it a 5-Room loft. based on the block plan, all the 2-storey houses are located at the top of the building; i.e. the 16th level. something similar to that of a penthouse, even though there isn't an open rooftop offered. quite reasonably priced between $442k to $447k.

there're approximately 1000 units available for this Punggol project. of which, 700 units are 4-rooms. and just today, there're more than 150 hopeful applicants vying on the the same 4-room units as me. probably that's why i didn't see wasting time on pondering whether to ballot or not. even though it's doubtful that they would generate queue number based on 1st-come-1st-serve basis, i didn't feel "secure" till i throw in my 10 bucks.

actually, our ideal project is DBSS at Simei. we threw in our 10 bucks for Punggol is becoz':

1st: DBSS flats are relatively more expensive, hence the affordability issue involved

2nd: we have completely NO idea whether they'll be proposing HDB flats or Executive Condos, coz' the location is like next to EastPoint kind of thing...

3rd: if they would to propose ECs, dang, we have to wait for more projects over the next few years.... bearing in mind that we may have to wait long for a favorable location

4th: i don't want to wait so long to secure a flat lah!

considering that if i really got to secure a unit in this project, i have to wait approx. 3 to 5 years for the completion. that duration is really killing for me coz' i'll be staying with my in-laws - it kinds of explains the rest, doesn't it?

oh well, so i can only hope for the best right now. it's quite exciting, really. i think it's even more exciting than betting that ToTo. kekekeke....

the long weekend

it was the long weekend which unofficially started right after i knocked off on Friday. after which, the weekend rest stretched up to Monday this weekend for Vesak Day. basically, every night was literally late nights out of clubbing, pubbing and KTV. it was fun-filled, yes, but at the same time it's ultimately tiring. YM's friends are just too "outgoing".

returning to work was really a chore this morning. after all, i woke up in the early afternoons and slept at dawn. gawd! even though it's a pleasantly shorter week, but trying to get oriented on a Tuesday is such a taboo.

to make things worse, the weather is not helping either. it is just sooooo warm that i could even sweat the moment i got out of bed this morning. groan, so sleep wasn't too fulfilling.

right now sitting on my bed, i felt like dozing off. insufficient willpower to get my project going. it's my last 2 semesters and i have lost a huge part of my vibes and motivation to carry on. no good! i need motivation!! i just can't wait for everything to be over!! =(



i think i sprained ankle.... tripped from the stairs. thank goodness i gripped the handle on time, otherwise, i'll prolly sprawled on the floor and grazing other parts of my body. now i cant twist my ankle at a certain angle..... and i began to see swell. hmmm....

千言万语

i don't need to pen down how much i missed him running alongside with me...

born with expensive skin...

i was plague with problem-skin ever since i reached puberty. back then, i didn't care 2 hoots how i looked even though my face's glossiness can blind somebody under strong lighting. i can use as many as 2 to 3 blotters for my skin. and yet, my mum reminded me that i'm still young and i shouldn't be anyhow using facial care as i'm still growing and might damage my youthful skin.

i have blackheads, pimples and whiteheads on my forehead, cheeks and noses. even though i wasn't quite close to acne, but breakouts are just as bad. once in a blue moon my mum would bring me to the beautician and squeeze my blackheads. still, it would be back within 1 week.

as i got older and more resourceful, i began seeking information online for help and remedies. also, with higher spending power, i can afford better products even though they're still off-the-shelves. yes, my condition is better but somehow nothing can be cured. there's always breakouts to handle and blackheads to tackle. endless, really. i knew i needed to seek specialist's help and not beautician (as i don't trust them anymore) in order to improve my condition. after harping about it for more than a year, finally, i went to see a dermatologist - a skin specialist.

i went to Maple Clinic in Tampines, as early as 8am in the morning. this clinic is recommended by a bosom friend who also seeked help about her breakouts. apparently, i heard quite good reviews online and from her, so i decided to go try out. i read that queuing is needed and they don't practice appointments system. therefore, yesterday i went to queue at about 8.30am, just about time they opened. i knew i was not very early as i've read online that some are kiasu enough to queue as early as 7am. when i reached there, i was probably the 40+ fella in queue and just in time for one of the clinic staff distributing queue numbers. apparently, the doctor limits to the number of patients to 30. one of the aunties who prolly was the 31st person in the queue failed to get a queue number got quite unhappy and began arguing with the staff. and i heard from the staff that the 1st person in queue was actually there since 6am!! OMFG! how to compete? camp there ah?? it's really ridiculous la....

even though i didn't get to wait long to know the "results", i was pretty disappointed. after all, i finally had some spare cash on hand (thanks to the Government for giving us money...) to go see a skin doctor and i didn't managed to get a consultation.

however, i had an alternative recommendation: Joyce Lim clinic at Paragon Medical Suites. i have some doubts going there coz' i've heard reviews that oral medication would be prescribed on top of the application ones, and there're some side effects. i can't help being skeptical. eventually, since i'm so bend about getting my problem skin right, i travelled down to Paragon on the same day. YM was with me the whole time, he consoled me that we could come down queue again next week. but it's quite silly gambling my chances just to see a doctor no matter how good she can be. and luckily, my choice to visit Joyce Lim was right.

surprisingly, JL clinic operates exactly opposite of Maple. i walked in to register and was told that appointment was needed. i couldn't help showing my disappointment lor. but the receptionist was kind enough to squeeze me in for an appointment, only had to wait for an hour. in the end, i only waited less than half an hour. =D

the consultation was quite fruitful. even though i paid 100 bucks for just consultation alone, knowing its overpriced, but i didn't feel much of the pinch. and fyi, the bill added up with $355 and there's no oral medication involved. alot right? i was prepared and yet not prepared to foot the bill. haha... what i thought was overrated - she carried her own brand of products. her name was splattered almost every medication, and another brand which require doctor's prescription before distribution. smart huh? when you need refills, you have to go back to her. ha!

a follow-up session is scheduled 3 weeks later. i don't know how much i'll spend for that, hopefully it is not another whopping 300 bucks.

since i started working, i spent so much on my face to get my skin right. nothing helped. i hope that this lap would be my final lap for better skin. otherwise, sigh, it's another long process trying to source for help. this journey is so tiring and i so wanna get over and done with it.

Money Matters...

no matter what i do, eventually i'll still come up with this topic. it's like super sad case for me lor. and it's so demoralizing, especially when i get to see other people enjoying their lives without having to account to anything else other than self.

what i claim my life to be: salted veggie life.

when i've reached the "ideal" age to work, i worked for extra income to pay for my HP bills. otherwise, i'll have no HP. on top of that, my dad won't sponsor my books, so my extra income goes to buying my texts. and then, i bought Fuji. of coz, that's part of my responsibility too. no matter how much i earn, my money is still accounted to something i don't want to pay. how i wished i still have my parents to pay for me.... the only memorable times which i could club my money away was when i first started out as a full-time working professional and i only needed to pay for my HP bills. the best part was i still had spare cash on hand at the end of every month... however, it was obviously shortlived.

maybe at that point in time, i thought of my future too soon. i didn't want to have my future family would be ANY similar to my current ordeal, where even cont'd studying is such a huge financial decision that have to reconsider options. so i ended signing up insurance and savings plan to insure myself and the future... and then slowly more and more bills turned up my way.

so, i'm not wrong when i said i grew up too fast. faster than my age should be.

i cant help having my eyes turned green with envy when i get to witness people more fortunate than me. i felt that they're a bunch of losers coz' they made me feel loserish. ha~!

life is just so unfair.... coz' i have to feel older than i should. *groan* i should meet people older than me, prolly in their late twenties to early thirties so i won't feel that bad. at least, we can talk at the same level. HA!

okay, i'm having mood swings coz' it's Red Day. and most importantly, pay increment is no difference from having no pay increment where i'm still left with meagre income. i cannot even shop when i planned to! do you know how disappointing that is?! i was so looking forward to it some more.... it's till there're so many unexpected expenses came along... so uncalled for. sigh... and i have no more spare cash to shop.... sobx!

now u know y i feel loserish to people who has to money to spend all they want. SOBX!

Colorgenics

i believe some of you out there has actually did this color test before. basically, it explains your feeling at the point in time, only using colors. different situation will differ the answers.

its nice once in a while to understand my feelings better... =D


Your Complete Personal Profile

You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.

You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm understanding.

You are trying to break away from the mundane existence that you have been experiencing of late. You have many high hopes and ideals but you are concerned whether circumstances will allow you to realise these ambitions. You want to spread your wings - to broaden your fields of activities - but you are concerned that your dreams are just that - 'dreams' which are not realistic. It concerns you that you are not thinking clearly at this time - what you need is to get away from it all, to give you time to think. A short vacation could well restore your confidence.

From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.

You are fed up with other people trying to influence you and you also feel that it is necessary to protect yourself from the threat that your independence and freedom may be restricted. You would just like to be left alone.

http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm

i used to blog almost every other day or week, now on the average of one month i hardly posted 5 entries. so tired and feeling so sandwiched between job and study. even having to go home early that day, i ended up sleeping later than usual coz' there's always things for me to catch up when i'm home. laundry, ironing, my room, school work or even luxury of surfing around the web and reading Archie comics to relax my brain.

----

YM told me that the likelihood of him going over to US for training is pretty high. if he would be chosen, he'll be going over in March '09 for 2 years. by then, i'll be able to go over with him as my status would be his spouse.

quite a wrong timing though...

i've just started this job in UPS lor. and i'm already getting quite hands-on with almost everything in store for me and beginning to appreciate routine job, the last thing i have in mind is to leave.

if i would to have this opportunity to work there in US, i wouldn't mind. but he told me its unlikely that's possible for god-knows-what reason. the only thing i can do is prolly study. hmm... a good opportunity for me to cont'd my Masters, provided it has been sponsored. otherwise, go there and rot for 2 years?!

-----

suddenly, i miz my mum's cooking. i rmbr she used to whip up really mean soups which would turned me in Jughead for that moment. salty-veg and duck soup, bak kut teh, sichuan veg soup, yellow gourd soup, spinach soup, and her super sour Tom Yam... she would even add salmon into the soup which makes the taste goes WOOOOT!! yum yum... getting hungry!!

i could even recall times where she would even asked me what soup i would like to have for the following week coz' she'll be popping by the wet market for supplies... gawd, that was so spoilt with good food!

i love her porridge too... especially her meat porridge. and many others like sweet potato porridge... the more watery it is, the better it tasted.

and she understands my tummy really well. when she sees me raking the fridge, she would immediately asked, "hungry ah?". and then, she'll whip some some noodles (hardly maggi mee) or fried rice / noodles to tie me over till dinner.

also there were times when she was preparing dinner and i'll sneaked attack some of her dishes. she'll exclaimed, "haiyoh! this mouse come and steal food again!" kekekekeke.... otherwise, i'll scoop a couple of small bowls of soup to satisfy my cravings. yum yum!!

haix, gone were the good ol' days....

she became so heavily involved in her external recreations that she no longers bother to cook "properly". oh well, let's not go into there..

lessons learnt in my life....

when i happened to read other people's blog and realize that the things they're going through at their age was what i was being put through in the past. i was the same rebellious rascal who never fail to upset my family - my mother per se. i just insisted things to go my way and till now, i still just want it. i don't understand how come i could be so tolerable towards others but just not my family.

i always had this thinking that my family was never sincerely supportive of anything i did. either they would give negative remarks or criticism or totally skeptical of my capabilities to get things done myself. basically, to me, everything they said were of no help and just trying to put me down. i can't stand it. so i learnt the hard way to depend on myself and not even on my family. the pride in myself is invincible. anyway, i can't share anything with my family as we have never bonded. in addition, my brothers always counted me out for any bonding session like games or outdoor activities. after all, i'm the only girl AND the youngest, it's a chore to take care. so i guess a huge chunk of opportunity to bond had slipped away.

i remembered the time when i turned rebellious was purely desperation to get out of my mum's protective shell. imagine having my mum to show up everyday during my recess and she would hang around my school almost every break time i had. my peers were looking down on me and i had no friends. worse still, i got insulted by my teachers too. and you know something? i was only 10 years old and i had to go through all these bullying. perhaps that was the time when enough was enough. primary school childhood memories was something i never could rid from my mind. i wanted so badly to get out of that school and start afresh somewhere. luckily, i graduated and proceeded to secondary school. things became very VERY much pleasant that i treasured so much. in addition, i'd made some really good friends which in turn became one of my dearest friendship in life.

the things i went through including the changes in my family moulded me to be someone which i didn't want to be. i didn't want to get hurt, and i've learnt the hard way to be strong for myself and no one else - an unbreakable barrier surrounded me. what i'm thankful that i was made to think for myself in my teens since there isn't anyone i could really turn to for help.

i don't command respect at home as i'm the youngest and the well-known rebellion, i don't see why i should return the respect. spoilt? i doubt so. i had enough trying to earn trust and respect and no matter how hard i tried, everything i did is still not sufficient coz' nothing nice would ever come out from the horses' mouth. it's so exhausting, really. and that's when i didn't bother anything anymore, i only do things which i like. furthermore, the money earned in the family means the better the capabilites, and hence the more vocal you can be. well, i've learnt to be that realistic at home.

then again, what home?

now it's just a roof over my head which can be mistakenly be a hostel (coz' i basically took care of almost everything from the house monthly bills to the groceries and toiletries) and an empty shell that i sleep in.

nobody is going to sympathize me. so, occasionally i'll sympathize myself and whine alot to feel better (like now). and then, its time to wake up and get a grip. i'll move on from there like i always do. otherwise, i'll feel loserish.

nevertheless, i always wished i could turn back time and mould my life to be the way i wanted myself to be rather than not to be.

when the mood sets in....

i feel old... i sincerely does. so envious that some people of my age or even older don't go through what i'm put through. everything's so perfect and they live in their perfect little world, totally oblivious to the real world. for this, it irritates me. speaking from sour grapes, these people don't think! no goals, no objectives, no nothing. how can people live without objectives and goals in life!?

and also, i can't take it when people tells me seriously that they want to be some full-time tai tai. kaoz! so spineless! gawd! depending on men is prolly the worst decision in life! and what's next? coz he gives the money to spend and that gives him the authority to control how life should be?! bleah! slap him! and slap the spineless woman who don't think for herself!

okay, i'm just ranting for the sake of it.

my gowns...

a quick peek into my 1st fitting....

it's quite alot of fun fitting on one by one... tiring too.

i've already picked out those i liked and will be made-to-measure. and at the end of this whole bridal affair, i'll be keeping those gowns! all of them 1st-hand, and also one of them would be design from scratched! heh! those i've chosen will be undergoing some modifications as well. for eg. adding of laces, glitters, shawl, etc etc. of coz, the gowns would have to be made to my skinny frame too.

till then!

house calls are not something i would take as "helping". knowing that i'm already facing such a huge problem trying to fix 2 incompetent adults, who happened to fall into the category of "parents", and yet just sitting there barely raising an eyebrow of what i'm struggling and still dare open mouth to comment, seriously, that's the last thing i need.

how about paving the road for me, just this once? never this initiative. what about calling the rest of the relatives and shame that obnoxious couple? nope, barely even want any contacts of that sort. transferring money monthly over to the account is prolly the max can be done.

if you happened not to be the lead cast, nobody would exactly know how anxious this whole event, especially dealing with hurtful actions from the heads of the family. or they supposedly to be the "heads" of the family. since the pillars of the family tree have gone separate ways, who is supposedly to be the main support? and even the next main support is uselessly helpless, is there anyone i can still look forward for help?

expectations too high? a matter of "face" to turn up for the banquet is expectations too high? having my OWN family to witness my marriage is expectations too high? in fact, i shouldnt be expecting coz' it SHOULD BE in that way! sorry, probably i haven't come to terms where i'm deemed to be raised by a single parent and not by both (mind you) for my entire 23 years of living.

so i guess if a bride wants her own siblings and parents to be present at her wedding, she's EXPECTING TOO MUCH. coz' theoretically speaking, only one of them present to represent the family can make do.

has anybody think in my point of view? how would it looked upon ME if i've LIVING parents but either one is not there? does anyone consider about me having to face my in-laws? talk is cheap, really. if everything is only surface deep, seriously, that's practically living in vain. i thought older supposed to be wiser, not superficial!

setting my foot straight, whichever childish adult (in the "parents " category) would not turn up for my banquet, aka not giving me face, i won't toast my final cup of tea to him or her. i don't see why would either one of them demand my respect when they didn't respect me. take it as severe ties or whatever you put it, i wouldn't give a damn. after all, i'll be abiding my future-in-laws, not them anymore.

ironically, my in-laws deserved my respect more than my own. even if they would to sympathize me, i can FEEL it. rather than standing at one corner and do NOTHING.

in addition, marriage gifts have given by the in-laws, what have those adults gave me to 陪嫁？don't have to rack your brains, it's easy to guess. NONE (most likely).

anyway, things i'll be paying for myself coz' i don't have the luxury of PROPER family love:

- New bedroom furnitures (including all other accessories)
- Wedding bands
- Pre-wedding photoshoots & Videography
- Wedding Banquet
- Soleumnisation

anybody, SGD$10k ang bao would be good.

tears stung my eyes. tears rolled uncontrollably. i'm hidden in my bedroom, crying my eyes out. i'm so tired, so emotionally tired. how i wished i'm suffering physical pains rather than challenged emotionally.

so many turmoils, one after another. when will it end?

do i always have to fend for myself? why i don't have parents to support me? why i have no one to turn to when i need help? why is it that my brothers turn their backs on me and choose not to be involved? what have i done in this lifetime to deserve all these?

what did i do to suffer the aftermath of their divorce? why do i have to take the blame for everything they've caused for themselves? why am i sitting here crying for something which is not my fault? why do i have such selfish parents who would not think for their children's happiness?

why can't they just die and make my life easier, for this once?



i didn't realize that, to be a happy bride, would only be a dream for me....

On a happier note….

I guess I’ll share some good news here to alleviate some of my grievances from the previous entry: I FOUND A JOB!

Just yesterday, I took a half-day off in the afternoon to sign the appointment letter with UPS. Seriously, the day before when they’d called me to inform about my selection, it was quite hard to contain my excitement. Other than the fact where I could still secure a job without having any proper qualifications yet and hands-on experience, they even met up to my salary expectations! I was totally ecstatic! I was telling ker ker I so wanted to scream my lungs out coz’ the feeling was so overwhelming and suffocating all at once. He said, “go ahead!”. -______-“ I was working at that point in time….

With the new job, YM and myself finally heaved a sigh relieve. With more cash on hand, it would really ease a huge load of money matters in regards to our wedding preparations and also the burden which seemed to be borne by YM himself. Otherwise, he would feel imbalanced….

I wouldn’t see the money coming in till the full month payout in April. Hopefully from April to November, we’ll have sufficient backup funds for our dinner banquet. The best circumstances would be excess funds after the dinner, and we can plunge in a couple more months of our salary to our savings so we can afford to go for a solid honeymoon. YM die-hard dream is to visit Old Trafford Stadium and catch a friendly match of Man U, preferably a derby match with Man City (and that’s provided Man U would win). I wanted to visit Europe if I have the chance too…… then again, it’s money again lar.

Right now, the main excitement for me is that we finally could proceed with our wedding preparations. Apparently it came to a standstill from CNY and we couldn’t exactly proceed due to funds matter. Now proceeding according to plan, I actually fixed up an appointment to try on the gowns already. So if my 1st fitting would go smoothly, I would throw in the deposit and secure my gowns. FYI, the gowns are made-to-measure and I would get to keep them! =D so exciting!!! Only after we secure this part, then we would go to the bridal store (in JB) for photo shoot. I guess the only consolation I get from the decision to have our photoshoot done in JB would be me having to make gowns for keepsake purposes. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers.

Anyway, securing of both the gowns and the bridal shoot in JB has to be confirmed by March otherwise everything else in plan would have to rush. Technically speaking, all photoshoot, album and the gowns should be ready by September. At least when they’re done, I can proceed to fret over RSVP for my dinner.

I’ll update my wedding preparations bit by bit. When the event draws nearer, I do need some helpers to organize my actual day itinerary.

THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!

委屈

why is it that when you're into something serious and the ugly side of that person beginning to rear its ugly head? is it that all these while i'm so blind to the ugly side or the angel i used to know has begin to take departure?

i've heard from others that the journey of the wedding preparations will show the true colors of the partner. i don't know if i've shown my true colors but i'm beginning to see YM's. i can't help stop to ponder whether we should just postpone this whole wedding thing.

i've learnt that some things i need to give in, due to the fact that i need to know how much does it matter to him. if i know this matters to him a whole lot more than i do, i know i need to retreat and let him have it. you can say that i've come to terms where carrying on struggling is useless, might as well let him have it his way when i know i can relent. but now, it seemed that i have to be succumb to him coz' he'll use money to suppress my needs. and because of money, he can disregard almost everything else.... even me. well, apparently he wanted it his way more than my way despite anything. so, who he's marrying -me or himself?

he promised that things would be the same as it was when we're dating. now with all these shit he's giving me, i SERIOUSLY doubt it would be the same.

maybe we should draw things clear: your money is not the same as my money. at least with my money, i can do whatever i could and not even accounted for him. likewise, whatever he wants to do with his finance, up to him.

you know, it's still incredulous that his friend is a 二十四孝老公 where he can respect his wife's decision even though as a 3rd party, i swear sometimes his wife can be really demanding and carries things too far. nevertheless, his objective is wanting his wife to be happy. what about mine? his happiness is his happiness, my happiness is his unhappiness.

will he eventually come to his senses to put me in his priority rather than all day in and out is all about money? perhaps, i would REALLY appreciate if he can stop and think in MY shoes on how i feel.

money has no feelings, I DO!

i had so much in thoughts - but when i rested my fingers over the keyboard, my mind froze. i don't know where to begin with. hmm...

school
i've completed all my exams for this semester! woot! yeah!

and out of the blue, i've encountered hiccup in my enrolment for next year. apparently, i was told that my fees wasn't paid and i couldn't enroll. ended up having to clarify with Citibank and went down to my school personally to enroll.

after that, my timetable clashes and i'd to appeal for module substitutions.

i got reply from Curtin and managed to appeal for module substitues. and Citibank disburse cheque to my school and now waiting for my school to receive it.... hopefully everything would go as per planned.


job interviews
during my exam leaves, i managed to arrange a couple of interviews here and there. so far, i went only 3, after having to send more than 30 resumes. well, hit rate is that bad lah. one of the interviews was at Singapore Chinese Orchestra - a position too junior for me, so they're not able to pay for my expected. then again, why still waste time asking me down? anyway, i haven't heard from them since the last interview. and i hope i'm not called for a 2nd interview, which i doubt there would be.

the 2nd interview yesterday at Kidney Dialysis Foundation. apparently the CEO and the RDC Manager sat in. seriously, i think they're just taking it out on me. they grilled me like i'm supposed to be grilled and i sincerely thought they were quite rude. i understood that they wanted me to REALLY know what i'm supposed to expect so that i could tell them whether i'm up for it, and in addition, they wanted to make sure the person would stay and not tell them after 6 months that whatever they're doing was "not my cup of tea". it seemed like they're trying to put across, "hey, this is the expectation you're supposed to meet. take it or f**** off." 1st impression: super super bad. this is like my worst interview i've ever been to. with bosses like that, i doubt anyone new in the company can take it.

and today, i had an interview at UPS. such stark contrast to the one i had yesterday. such lovely and polite boss. i guess she liked me, otherwise she wouldn't request a 2nd interview with their HR. she understood the stress i had for studying, hence she even explained that they're able to make arrangements for me to be release for classes. also, she also touched upon career developments in terms of job rotation, and company paying 80-20 for employees to further education. at least at the end of the interview, i felt good and i knew what i'll be in for. rather than KDF, yes they did make sure i understood what i was taking but i guess they needn't to go to the extend of being harshful! gawd, felt like slapping KDF for being such a lousy interviewer.


work
nothing much at work lately. just working for the sake of working, and waiting for things to happen....

now just hoping i can get the job at UPS....



alright, thts so much for now. just finished my exams, a few more weeks rest and i'll begin my final lap to completion of my degree! so, please expect more emo entries from me when my term begins....

emo

Happy Lunar New Year to all.

and CNY is not exactly very thrilling for me anymore. in fact, i feel its getting worse every year. this year, my reunion dinner is actually at my mum's place. before my bro informed me to be over for dinner just a couple of days before CNY eve, YM's mum offered dinner if i'm not eating with either of my parents. seriously, i felt pathetic.

some more, this year is my last year taking Ang Pow....

just yesterday, i felt even lower. Ker Ker said i'm emo like every other day. LOL. maybe coz' i'm looking for a perm job, and my hit rate is like ultimately low, it affects me really greatly. job market sucks right now? or i'm asking too much? then again, is it that graduates from NUS or NTU deserved to pay much higher than those who achieved offshore or overseas degree? plus, they probably followed the mainstream from College to Uni, with 100% ZERO proper working experience. yet they deserve more?

of coz, considering the fact where i've ZERO knowledge in the field i've studied, means i don't deserved anything more? and what i can fit are those administrative or clerical positions? but, i'm over-qualified for those types of position, yet under-qualified for higher positions. such a dilemma huh? dunno i'm supposed to be in dilemma or the employers.... no lah, we confused each other. *snort*

i went through such a huge round that time has wasted in the result. i'm not getting younger any minute and i feel older than my age. i can't help thinking that more than 4 years of working out there after i graduated with a Diploma, i've achieved almost nothing. it's really depressing.

sigh... i guess its just one of those days every other month i'll sink into such thoughts. i dunno what can motivate me now. maybe some sound advice, guidance to life, and definitely moral support.

finally, i can breathe for a while...

rushed through the final parts of the project with only less than 5 hours left to attend class at 7pm. my project team somehow unanimously met via MSN and fiercely participated in the discussion to wrap up the report. at half-past 6, we managed to get it printed..... it wasn't easy.

went to class - the last lesson of the semester, and that would very much wrapped up the module for this semester. at the end of the lesson, my huge load lifted off my shoulders. right now, going home was so much more enjoyable even if i'm not meeting YM. coz' i knew i don't have anything waiting for me to be completed and i could really just nuah. even surfing websites are purely counting down to bedtime, rather than doing some research for a project. also, i wouldn't feel so guilty just watching TV when i'm supposed to be rushing datelines.

gawd! i wished this could go on forever!

anyway, right after the CNY i'll be having my 1st paper. in fact, it's my deferred law paper. that module gave me some serious jitters. it would be this 13th. after that, 18 & 19 Feb will be my final papers for the 2 modules. and then, 10 Mar would be the beginning of my last semester. *grinz*

i so SO can't wait to get over and done with.

working for Open House

wanna sleep....


i'm made to come back to help out at the Open House. as the rest of the department will be very much involved in the whole event, my job would be to jaga the admission counter and to assist candidates to register. *groan* i guess if my job would be abit more "active", i wouldn't mind working. but putting me deskbound from 9am to 6pm.... somebody kill me pls.

i'm so tired... OMG...

so tired. i'm just so so tired. i can't even choose a day to rest early. even if i'm to pick a day which i foresee i can sleep earlier, i always ended up sleeping close to midnight. not much difference from the days which i'm busy with my projects.

i'm so sick of this kind of lifestyle.

so much effort plunged in for the sake of a better future. and yet, i don't even know how much better my future will be. to juggle studies and work is prolly one of the toughest challenge in life. one hell of an experience. it is so repulsive that i couldn't stand studing any longer.

gimme strength to carry on....

is it all for the money?

yesterday, i had a job interview. this job was a referral from an ex-colleague, Elaine, just purely on goodwill basis and not under her account or whatsoever. based on what Elaine shared with me before i sent my resume, she briefed me that this MNC company was looking for fresh grads and would be paying about 2.5k. upon confirmation, it'll be about 2.8k. sure sounds tempting, doesn't it?

it's prolly my instincts or i'm worrying too much after i got hooked up with an interview; the job still had some things to do with Sales.

maybe as a marketer, we can never really pull away from Sales. whatever job that is, there would be some part involved in the any spectrum of sales; be it cold-calling, looking for leads and visiting clients and so on.

just as what i've expected: other than marketing activities like organizing events, forecast reports and so on, i will be also have to be involved in certain Sales activities. even though there won't be any targets to meet or my salary is commission driven, my job scope still evolves calling up new leads and so on. haix.

anyway, this company is an IT Security Solutions Distributor. they work in this way where the Channel Program (or Marketers) will be finding the leads, and the Channel Sales will be the ones to follow up and close the deal. so that was what they meant by "i won't be chasing figures" as it'll be done by the Sales department. still, it would still involved cold-calling - the suckiest part of Sales.

Ker Ker told me to just take up the job, and YM too. both of them sang the same tune, "they pay good!" and they told me that i need the money now for the wedding. and they also said that i couldn't possibly be sitting there and wait till the dream job plops on my lap. so since i'll be waiting for that dream job, might as well wait with a good pay rather than a meagre salary at NAFA. i agree with them: but even if i'm not too comfortable with the job scope, i still have to go ahead?

job market for a proper Marketing positions is low, and not many would accept novices like me now. also, they won't be willing to pay that much...

it seems like i don't exactly have much choice huh?

should i just close my eyes and jump in, then decide whether it's good for me?

an enjoyable rat race

dan da da da~
dan da da da~....
(here comes the bride....)

wedding bells and the typical old-school wedding tune which is usually played over the organ in the church, is ringing in my ears. i prolly won't get to hear that coz' i'm not conducting my wedding in a church. and temples don't play tunes like that. they're likely to be incomprehensible chants and the sound of goooooong~. then again, i'm not a Buddhist and i need not to go to Buddhist temples for wedding ceremony.

really, it's not easy trying to organize a wedding event. what's more, this is MY wedding event. hence, expectations are like up to the sky kind of thing. to make things worse, it's not as if i get married every day to know the checklist of what and how to go about getting things done. it voices down to how resourceful the couple is, and also, if the couple happened to have relatives or friends getting married as well would really help things. they are the ones who're in it, and they can at least give you some light in the murky waters.

bridal packages, banquet halls, solemnisation.... which comes 1st, you know? with some sound advice and basic instincts, i was spot on: banquet halls booking.

i went on forums to check, the brides there booked like almost 2 years in advance. *gasp!* super kiasu lor. so when i rang some prospective restaurants and hotels, to my horror, most of them were like fully booked throughout the year, i became panicky. very soon, i'm much like any of the kiasu brides-to-be out there competing in the rat race - aggressive and unscrupulous. and some restaurants put it quite clear to our faces: "first come first serve". whoever throws down the deposit to book the date 1st, ta-da, winner! you can say it's their marketing tactics and we can't help being slaved to it, but it sure makes you think twice about leaving the restaurant without any assurance of the date you want. of course, every restaurants and hotels have different sets of T&Cs.

well, i took my virgin step in this whole wedding preparation to source for the restaurants. it was quite nerve-wrecking but yet enjoyable to go through these process. it's just like shopping; only it's on another level coz' you're planning for like something this important. but the added catalyst to make this shopping even more exciting is the ambiguity whether others managed to book that date before you did especially after you (and your partner) personally went down to the restaurant to enquire in detail.

so i did my part to source for the restaurants, now is the bridal package. YM voluntarily take up this task, which i felt it shouldn't be too tough as it's much more straight forward and not so much of rat race to compete. rather it is more on the price factor and whether it deliver what they promises in the package.

in a nutshell, you need the following requirements to be eligible to take on the challenge:

1. Patience and mutual understanding with your partner coz' it's hard to have the same opinion in everything

2. Aggressive and quick in thinking; sometimes you can't ponder too long for a banquet location, esp when u know time is running out! so, if both of you like it, within your budget and you can afford the deposit, go ahead and book. then you've one less thing to worry over on top of the list of things to get done.

3. Money! you don't exactly need alot of money la. of coz have more money is better, but the minimum sum that you need for deposit of the banquet and bridal package (if any). however, don't even bet on it when both of your salary doesn't even guarantee that you'll manage to save up to an amount u need for the whole wedding preparation. yes, things may still work out but you'll prolly be struggling with your daily expenses and then, this. so it might tense things up between the both of you.

4. our future in-laws and parents: they can make things quite tough. and not every parents are that easy-going and would leave it to both newly-weds to handle on their own. so, sometimes do make them assured that you're not jumping into any conclusion before having their opinion. of coz, that doesn't imply that you need to listen to their every word. it's just for "show" that you value their 2 cents' worth.

5. don't stress out yourself unnecessarily; you'll prolly still have ample time to put things into place. so work it out with your partner rather than shoulder the full responsibility. teamwork is very crucial to help ease tensions and make this whole event works the way both of you planned. even if you require additional help from friends, just ask!

6. (to be continued... if i manage to think of something else)