i hope he heard us said goodbye...

i have an paternal uncle who was born dumb and deaf. and from the day i knew he was this special, somehow i had my reservations. perhaps, i didn't know how to react or how to communicate with him. nobody taught me how. and he didn't communicate with me much.

based on my knowledge, i only knew he did odd-jobs for a living. he wasn't married, and pretty much dependent on his unmarried elder sisters and parents. he smoked and drink heavily.

during my teens, i somehow disliked him. perhaps i was influenced by my mother, whom wasn't always welcoming his uninvited presence. no, he didn't stay in my house, but he would popped by quite often enough to take a snooze after some heavy drinking sessions with his odd-job friends. he couldn't go home drunk as he knew he would get a lecturing or probably grounded. so he had to sleep away the alcohol. some times, he would snooze for a good 4 to 6 hours before finally heading home for dinner. and he would always borrow a couple of dollars from my mum (or me, when i got older), for his bus ride home when he was ready to leave. my mum may be irritated, but we took pity on him and gave him what he needed. there were times where my mum would cook for him as he was hungry as he spent his last dollar on his beers. i'd seen my parents communicated with him in gestures, and i caught up a few. it wasn't fantastic but it was good enough to get my message to him.

as you can see, he wasn't the aspiring special guy around who could've achieved something big for himself.

i grew up and gradually felt that he's a pitiful character. he didn't choose to be born special. finally, he ended his miseries at age 55.

it all started with a lump in his throat and he had difficulty swallowing. only to find out that the lump was cancerous. i have no idea what happened, until i met him during one of my CNY visitings to my unmarried aunties. he was confined in his room, by the window, which an oxygen tank and a clear pipe going through his nose. i nodded at him and he acknowledged in response. i thought he didn't look too bad as yet. it was barely 5 months, and he said goodbye.

it was a long day today. early this morning, we sent the coffin to the crematorium, and collected his ashes 4 hours later. then we sent it to the temple, his final resting place, residing together with my grandparents.

on our way home, my dad blurted out saying how life just ended at aged 55. and i commented that it was better for him to end his miseries. and my dad cont'd saying how amusing his younger brother was, that he refuses to go under the knife to cut out his tumour. apparently, he had very little tolerance to pain. so i guessed his siblings left him at his decision, and his life slowly slipped away. my dad also said when he got to his hospital, he has left. i can't help feeling sad about this.

my brother and i were discussing how he could've been different, despite his disabilities. yes, i agree, it was his choice to be indulging in smokes and alcohols. however, i believed his upbringing played a part of who he was today. he wasn't given a "fair chance" per se, as it was uncommon to be special at his era. naturally, he would be outcasted.

oh well, he has left for good now. even though i'm totally not close to him, he's still an uncle who watched me grew up for the past 25 years. it is somewhat a loss, a kin, even if he didn't impact my life. nevertheless, every death i've met reminded me to appreciate the life i have, and how much we should treasure the loved ones around us. my heart wrenched when i saw his coffin was pushed into the incinerator...

if his soul is watching over us, i hope he heard us saying our final goodbye.

i've made up my mind

after pondering for so long, i've came to a conclusion that i would want to seek positions which are pertaining to the real spectrum of marketing. i'll still be continuing with my current job and wouldn't quite without another job down the pipeline. i've done up my resumes and sent a few out over the past 2 weekends. honestly, my chances are slim. i don't know how long i have to wait... maybe 6 months? hope i would have at least a few interviews....

i saw a job vacancy for Pricing Analyst at NOL, the pay range looks good. i was a little drawn by it. but i guess i wouldn't blew my only chance to get back on track just yet. oh well... it's the waiting game.

at the meantime, i'll try for my MAPP (i.e. the interview for promotion) and see if i would be granted a job rotation soon. and as for the rest, i can only hope and pray.

on MC

last night i had a probing headache, and a real bad one. i hadn't have those kind of headaches for the longest time. and worse still, i had to cont'd some really unhappy conversation with Nick. not at all very helpful...

i didnt take any medicine and went to sleep, believing that it'll be alright by morning. i was slightly wrong. i woke up with a headache at the left side of my head - a migraine. seriously, i didn't know how that developed into a migraine. all i knew was it felt as if someone punched my head and it was THAT painful. i knew i had to call in sick. after that, i popped a pill and went to rest some more. surprisingly, i woke up 4 hours later, i was fine already.

so yar, i had been at home nuahing, sourcing for some jobs.....

okay, i better go sleep already. i'll take another panadol jux in case it comes back tomorrow morning. ha...

i've come to a cross junction...

i've been with the current company for 2 years, doing what i'm doing for 2 years already. i would say, i'm good at what i'm doing. and the company is a good place for their employees to grow. fellow teammates and bosses are what made our stay worthwhile. perhaps its due to our job nature, it made us gel better as we could relate to each other on the daily basis.

reality sets in. they gave me a reasonable pay increment this year, however, it's just not enough. and hence i'm forced to make a decision.... soon.

i've figured out 3 options for me:

1) to find a greener pasture, doing the same thing.

with that, i'm quite sure i would be able to request for a 30 to 40% increment. the work i'm doing right now is relatively niche and not alot of people enjoy working with numbers.


2) find a job which is related to my degree, however, pay may be stagnant.

i've completed my degree for 3 months already, and time is ticking. in fact, if it wasnt what i decided that i want to do communications related work, i wouldn't have made the decision to go back to school.

3) stay and wait for internal job transfer.

it wasn't too long after i joined this company, headcount froze for nearly 2 years. recession came in, pay froze too, and everyone grit their teeth and was grateful we still have our jobs. despite the recession, we had a small variable bonus payout and our usual AWS too. so we couldn't ask for too much.

however, times are slowly regaining back to normal. so most of us are expecting proper rewards. and i guessed most of us are pretty disappointed.

i know if i hang out long enough, i would be given an opportunity to move to other departments, ONLY when there's a headcount available. it could be created or people left. and movement may be lateral - same position, same pay, same rewards. of coz' if i pass my supervisory interview, the movement may be upwards. but that headcount in the other department may not be a supervisory headcount... hence it could either be lateral transfer or stay put in my current dept. and if i stay put in my current dept, if i get promoted, there might be a chance where i get to be posted to HK for an undefined duration. this offer used to be enticing, but with my current situation, i'm not all that keen anymore.

so how?

i know it depends whether i would view monetary rewards more than job satisfaction. but both are closely intertwined.

age is catching up and i don't have much time to play around. and i believe the next step i would take determines my lifelong career. and that's not something i want to trifle with.

i'm back!!

as most of you know, my laptop crashed. i guess the motherboard was overheated and one fine day it refuses to boot up. sigh. pretty unexpected though. and spending for a new laptop was totally unexpected as well. after all, i had other plans for that bonus.... heart pain, definitely.

life's pretty much the same, only that i think i have been really discipline on myself for the past few months: no shopping. some may protest coz' i did some shopping for CNY but that was like the most last minute thing can. the next day was the eve of CNY and i just went shopping for clothes. Nick accompanied me the whole time, running from store to store. so ya, that was the only one time after a few months of cold spell. i haven't been online to look at clothes, anything! basically, there was no retail therapy.... it's sad, really. coz' i need that once in a while to keep myself sane and happy. and i don't think i'm that happy now.... i'm constantly thinking how to clear my outstanding debts.

i have a pay increase. it's a mere 10%, good for some, but not too enough for me. still, it's extra cash and i should be happy about it. well, sort of.... it's a good bait to keep me in the same company for another 6 months or so.... actually i'm quite sick of what i'm doing. i guess it's about time that i would go pursue what i set out to do since the start of my degree, now that i'd graduated.

i'm setting out to clear my credit bills. right now, paying my own commitments and the household is taking up nearly 3/4 of net pay. it's really very heavy for me now. so every month, i don't managed to save. every last cent is accounted for. i'm so sick of it. so i've decided to take up a PT job, as a tuition teacher to earn the extra cash so i can save for rainy days. i need that money, just in case of any emergency. i may have a savings plan but i don't have intention to touch that money. what i need is Cash. and i may approach my brother for a loan.... not a small sum but i had to do it, rather than having the interest charge. now, all i have to do is ask.... but i don't know where to start. it's so embarassing....

and i've already postponed my dive trip to sipadan, and also pursuing further for diving.
if i don't clear these bills in time, i think i can forget about getting married. time frame: 2 years. that's all i'm giving myself; not to get married but to clear everything. i just want the feeling to know i'm debt-free.


i can't wait.....