have you ever felt so strongly about something that you just know it? i did, and havent been more sure about it. it's so strong that it shook through my bones.
yes it will be him, and i just know it.
time has been put aside, easily taken out of the equation. i guessed i could do that now because i have never been so sure about something, and i would wait even if its eternal. i knew the time would come, and i want to be ready. so now, i'm just cultivating the patience, the inside of me, so when the time comes, i'm ready. some would say i'm being naive, idealistic, and even plain stupid. but these remarks couldn't put me down; in fact these people possibly never feel the way i feel right now, simply because they didn't believe. i don't know who's more pathetic; i only couldn't describe that peace within. the heart tells me to wait, and my mind agreed. i know it'll all fall into place.
i know he has much doubt, about me, about himself, about the possibility of us. it's not for me to clarify, coz it will all come to light. he will get to see for himself.
is this make-believe? well, i don't know. but can you feel this strongly about some make-believes? i don't think so. have i totally erased all doubts? well, i couldn't say yes, because i'm a born worrywart. nevertheless, its truly holding on a faith that is to strong and its hard to ignore.
the time will come.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Ripped apart
a few days ago, i've learned that Nic has a new gf, my heart ached, and sank. i was so not prepared to hear it from him. yes, i praised him for his honesty. just that i wasn't ready for it. sucking in all my emotions, struggling to get the right words, i still managed to give him my blessings. i don't know how i did it...
he told me she fitted the bill - someone who accomodates to his freedom, his erratic working schedule, his business travels, and other how-he-wanted-things-his-way. i guessed he gave me an impression she's really docile because she is telling her friends she's happy with him. yes, good for him. and yes, i was the wrong fit. ouch.
ever since we went our separate ways, and an attempt to try patch things up but only gotten rejected, my heart never gave up. i still pinned for the day we'll still be together. the feeling didnt ceased, surprisingly. it was only tucked neatly somewhere in my heart, waiting for its day to come alive again. deep down, there's a nagging tug, he's the one. but, likely, he didn't feel the same way. at least not for now....
i struggled to maintain my composure, i didn't know how come i couldn't pull away from the conversation with him. i felt stupid, why was i so nosy!? yes, i asked for it. i deserved it. and when the conversation ended, the tears flowed. i cried in church. and will cry again.
he apologized as he had no intention to hurt me. it's not his fault, never his fault, and not his responsibility of how i feel, not at all. i should've seen this coming. i guess, i truly understand now what it meant by "as long as you're happy, that's all that matters", even if i can feel my heart ripping into pieces. i never felt so much disappointment before, as far as i can rmbr.
am i ready to move on? it is even more apparent now: no. but is that a cue i should? i don't know... maybe it is, maybe it's not. questions, who would to give me the answer? i'm waiting for God's voice, His voice to comfort, to guide.
consolation? i'll be stronger.
but just let me slowly stopped the bleeding of my heart, and allow time to heal...... it has been 1 year since our broke up. now, i need another year.... or more.
he told me she fitted the bill - someone who accomodates to his freedom, his erratic working schedule, his business travels, and other how-he-wanted-things-his-way. i guessed he gave me an impression she's really docile because she is telling her friends she's happy with him. yes, good for him. and yes, i was the wrong fit. ouch.
ever since we went our separate ways, and an attempt to try patch things up but only gotten rejected, my heart never gave up. i still pinned for the day we'll still be together. the feeling didnt ceased, surprisingly. it was only tucked neatly somewhere in my heart, waiting for its day to come alive again. deep down, there's a nagging tug, he's the one. but, likely, he didn't feel the same way. at least not for now....
i struggled to maintain my composure, i didn't know how come i couldn't pull away from the conversation with him. i felt stupid, why was i so nosy!? yes, i asked for it. i deserved it. and when the conversation ended, the tears flowed. i cried in church. and will cry again.
he apologized as he had no intention to hurt me. it's not his fault, never his fault, and not his responsibility of how i feel, not at all. i should've seen this coming. i guess, i truly understand now what it meant by "as long as you're happy, that's all that matters", even if i can feel my heart ripping into pieces. i never felt so much disappointment before, as far as i can rmbr.
am i ready to move on? it is even more apparent now: no. but is that a cue i should? i don't know... maybe it is, maybe it's not. questions, who would to give me the answer? i'm waiting for God's voice, His voice to comfort, to guide.
consolation? i'll be stronger.
but just let me slowly stopped the bleeding of my heart, and allow time to heal...... it has been 1 year since our broke up. now, i need another year.... or more.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
i'm glad i've grown up
i know adding on to the numbers on my age is agonizing. however, after reading some of my blog posts randomly, dated as far as year 2007, it dawned upon me how much i've grown. it's something worth rejoicing, and i'm really glad.
when i blog, my innermost feelings are recorded. especially when i'm upset or angry about something, the words i used are so strong, so so so tactless. with my terrible temper and attitude, i believed i've hurt many people, including my own family. reading some of the posts i've written out of anger, it brought tears to my eyes to know how i have been. those were the days of being young and brash. i know what i was thinking back then, when i blogged. just that it didn't dawn upon me how narrow-minded i was.
i guessed it's true, wisdom comes with age. and yet i thought i was matured back then. my ass! hahahahaha... yes, i've went through some real challenges, from handling family drama, to being a runaway bride, to "forced resignation" from my previous company... well, it's rather eventful. and honestly, i thank God for putting me through all these challenges, and pulled me through one by one. and most importantly, i grew up bit by bit.
i feel that discovering my religion should be my biggest breakthrough in this stage of my life. it changed the way i think, the way i behave. i've learned to be appreciative towards people who loved me, even the littlest thing. for a while now, i felt at peace. i couldn't say i'm no longer stubborn, coz' i can still be quite adamant on certain things, but i feel that i'm more accomodating to others now. i'm no longer angry about things that have happened, no longer angry of my family whom i've misunderstood for the longest time. so blessed that i "woke up". and my greatest gift? i mended the bridge with my family, especially with my mum and my eldest bro. their unwavering love and support, i only have myself to blame. so blinded by my self-righteousness, and my angst.
i'm thankful, so thankful, ever thankful.
when i blog, my innermost feelings are recorded. especially when i'm upset or angry about something, the words i used are so strong, so so so tactless. with my terrible temper and attitude, i believed i've hurt many people, including my own family. reading some of the posts i've written out of anger, it brought tears to my eyes to know how i have been. those were the days of being young and brash. i know what i was thinking back then, when i blogged. just that it didn't dawn upon me how narrow-minded i was.
i guessed it's true, wisdom comes with age. and yet i thought i was matured back then. my ass! hahahahaha... yes, i've went through some real challenges, from handling family drama, to being a runaway bride, to "forced resignation" from my previous company... well, it's rather eventful. and honestly, i thank God for putting me through all these challenges, and pulled me through one by one. and most importantly, i grew up bit by bit.
i feel that discovering my religion should be my biggest breakthrough in this stage of my life. it changed the way i think, the way i behave. i've learned to be appreciative towards people who loved me, even the littlest thing. for a while now, i felt at peace. i couldn't say i'm no longer stubborn, coz' i can still be quite adamant on certain things, but i feel that i'm more accomodating to others now. i'm no longer angry about things that have happened, no longer angry of my family whom i've misunderstood for the longest time. so blessed that i "woke up". and my greatest gift? i mended the bridge with my family, especially with my mum and my eldest bro. their unwavering love and support, i only have myself to blame. so blinded by my self-righteousness, and my angst.
i'm thankful, so thankful, ever thankful.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Stay Home Weekends...
i don't know since when, i've become a homebody. almost every weekend i'm home, only stepping out of the house to get food or do some simple grocery shoppings. i guessed that's life for a singleton. sometimes it's boring to the max, but also, it is a way to slow down from work and catch up with rest. however, i don't hang out much after work too. hmmm.
colleagues are simply curious how come i don't have a boyfriend. i wished to know why too. hahaha... i guess it's just that as age catches up, i'm not too keen in 'socializing'. i rather bond with my bunch of friends, rather than making new friends. so when i'm constantly surrounded by platonic friends, it would take longer to hook up with someone, i believe. how long i intend to stay single? well, i don't know. i guess when it comes, it comes. and i believe i'm still finding "the one"... i thought i found him, but fate wasn't smiling on us on this one... not ever, i think. unless..... a twist of events? yeah, i wished... and that's evil.
it's kind of getting to me seeing people i know posting their pictures of their "happily ever after" and their "bundle of joy". there's nothing wrong at all. only wonder if there's something wrong with me. 27, going on 28, and soon 30. wow, i'm old. maternal instincts are slowly creeping in. when i see little tots, i would smile and give a silent prayer to keep the baby safe. sometimes, i would feel at peace watching the baby's actions. and now that my bestie is pregnant, i'm constantly overwhelmed with joy, anticipating the arrival of her baby. and i do look forward to some good news from my brother soon!
anyhow, i guess there will be more stay-home weekends for me till i'm hooked up again. not that it's anything bad, but i don't enjoy staying home and moping over the fact i'm dateless. hahaha... oh well....
colleagues are simply curious how come i don't have a boyfriend. i wished to know why too. hahaha... i guess it's just that as age catches up, i'm not too keen in 'socializing'. i rather bond with my bunch of friends, rather than making new friends. so when i'm constantly surrounded by platonic friends, it would take longer to hook up with someone, i believe. how long i intend to stay single? well, i don't know. i guess when it comes, it comes. and i believe i'm still finding "the one"... i thought i found him, but fate wasn't smiling on us on this one... not ever, i think. unless..... a twist of events? yeah, i wished... and that's evil.
it's kind of getting to me seeing people i know posting their pictures of their "happily ever after" and their "bundle of joy". there's nothing wrong at all. only wonder if there's something wrong with me. 27, going on 28, and soon 30. wow, i'm old. maternal instincts are slowly creeping in. when i see little tots, i would smile and give a silent prayer to keep the baby safe. sometimes, i would feel at peace watching the baby's actions. and now that my bestie is pregnant, i'm constantly overwhelmed with joy, anticipating the arrival of her baby. and i do look forward to some good news from my brother soon!
anyhow, i guess there will be more stay-home weekends for me till i'm hooked up again. not that it's anything bad, but i don't enjoy staying home and moping over the fact i'm dateless. hahaha... oh well....
Sunday, January 01, 2012
The Peace, Hope, Love, and Joy of a New Year!
in a blink of an eye, we've just ushered in the new year. many people i'd used to know are either married or busy making babies. in fact, there seemed to have many new babies last year. for me, i'm still comfortably single. i do feel that age is creeping in. yet, there're just some things i have no intention to rush. come to think about it, i'm kind of past the phase that i'm so eager beaver to marry myself off, joining the "trend", wasn't it? anyway, i don't want to think how old i'll ever get hitched, i don't want to think if i'll ever have a family of my own, nor i want to envy people happily married. i'm Me. and i don't want regrets in life. and i promise myself, a real long time ago, i won't.
in today's Homily in Mass, i was reminded (yet again) to live in the Present. forget abt the negativities of the past, and do not bring those (negativities) with me to the Present. Live In The Present. and Father Bruno shared with the church of his friend, a Buddhist Monk, that when he sent an email, there would a email signature that said, "Have a Nice Day... unless you have something else in mind." i laughed. it's so true. this is something so simple, and yet so difficult to attain.
in the book, The Power of Now, it preaches simply the same things. leave the past, don't worry about the future, start working on the Now, i.e. the Present.
i have made some resolution for the New Year 2012, and i have all the determination to stick with it. when i was thinking i had everything pretty much covered, i realize it was all about myself. so no, the resolution is not complete. hence, i decided i add one more resolution to my list,
"to make it home for meals with Mama, at least once a month."
some would feel that "once a month" is kind of stingy. but i feel it's a good start. i do feel guilty that i only go over on certain occasions. and as much as i felt guilty, she may not be free for me too. hence, it has to be arranged, in a way.
and i believe one of the most important resolution for myself is,
"forget the Past, leave the Future to the Lord, start Living in the Present".
to myself, to my Love ones, to everyone,
Happy New Year.
in today's Homily in Mass, i was reminded (yet again) to live in the Present. forget abt the negativities of the past, and do not bring those (negativities) with me to the Present. Live In The Present. and Father Bruno shared with the church of his friend, a Buddhist Monk, that when he sent an email, there would a email signature that said, "Have a Nice Day... unless you have something else in mind." i laughed. it's so true. this is something so simple, and yet so difficult to attain.
in the book, The Power of Now, it preaches simply the same things. leave the past, don't worry about the future, start working on the Now, i.e. the Present.
i have made some resolution for the New Year 2012, and i have all the determination to stick with it. when i was thinking i had everything pretty much covered, i realize it was all about myself. so no, the resolution is not complete. hence, i decided i add one more resolution to my list,
"to make it home for meals with Mama, at least once a month."
some would feel that "once a month" is kind of stingy. but i feel it's a good start. i do feel guilty that i only go over on certain occasions. and as much as i felt guilty, she may not be free for me too. hence, it has to be arranged, in a way.
and i believe one of the most important resolution for myself is,
"forget the Past, leave the Future to the Lord, start Living in the Present".
to myself, to my Love ones, to everyone,
Happy New Year.
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