on the 13th would be my 9th month in this current job, and i'm getting worn out. it's not exhaustion from work. in fact, i've always enjoyed my marketing work. ever since i've decided to take on the marketing path, i knew it was something i really want to do for the rest of my life. it's always fun, dynamic, exciting. even though i do hate the reporting stuff, but it's just a small part to fulfill. so the exhaustion actually comes from dealing with the culture, and the boss(es).
perhaps, today was just not my day. i sent a report to the big boss, and she asked me to go to her office as she needed some clarifications. seeing the figures were not according to her expectations, she asked if i followed up. well, truthfully no. my stand was, my boss was the person to be talking to the Sales team and I'd highlighted this issue to him before. he's well aware and told me that currently due to the GSS period, the figure made sense. in his perspective, in comparison to GSS, this report was of lower priority to him than the real money. either how, he had taken over the responsiblities to be the overall in-charge for the Sales team in all aspect, and he would be the person to convey the message to them, i didn't see why i needed to be following up directly from the sales team. if the "in-charge" is not taking priority in this report as of now, am i supposed to still enforce it, by my own rules?
anyhow, the big boss was "utterly disappointed", claiming that this project was my baby, and in exact words she said, "why are you pushing your work to others?". she seriously think that my boss would take over my work if i pushed it to him?? dream on. i wasn't in the mood to rebutt, so i didn't. i just kept quiet, and let her be "utterly disappointed". oh pls, it's a Monday Morning!
and the week before, on a Friday, i felt humiliated by the boss. in a meeting, we gave him updates of an upcoming event we'll be hosting. i gave him the floor plan of the event, shared with him a brief idea of the layout, only to be put down by him. to him, it's "an impressive work with no content". simply coz' he felt that i didn't think through the entire layout, or "failed to imagine how the entire event would be before planning". seriously, if i didn't have an imagery, how the hell i would be able to derive the layout?! so he went on and on and on and on, giving various analogies that reflect my shoddy work.... and he even asked the rest of the team to "vote" if they agree to my proposal of the event layout. honestly, WTF. was that even necessary? sorry, i didn't see that as "guidance", just his way to prove his point that my proposal was trash. the important part was, i didn't even insist that my layout had to be carried out, nor did i said that the layout was final and nothing else to be said. all i did was to show him what i had done, and bam! i was shot down. and he shot me a few more times on my dead body to ensure zero survival. sometimes, i simply don't get it why he had to do such things!?
he apologized to me before the meeting ended. and when we went back to our seats, while he packed his bag ready to leave, he apologized to me again. i wonder if he knew what he was apologizing about. so now that he had apologized twice, am i supposed to forgive and forget? i don't know.... i'm not so much in the forgiving mood lately...
it's simply draining to be dealing with people like that. i wouldn't say they're brainless, but simply unprofessional. they have no qualms in saying things that hurt, picking faults, don't really care if they've wrongly accused people, quick to judge.... even if i've put in my all, and i just slipped a little, they'll constantly harped on the slip-up. why? coz' "it's almost perfect! and now you're not perfect! why oh why?!?" oh, so be it. so tiring to be always explaining and explaining and explaining. i can't keep up with the dramas.
i'm not through with this company yet. next year would be an exciting year with the projects on hand. i need those projects on my resume. and then, if things are not still looking up, i'll leave. patience wearing thin.....
Monday, July 02, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
it's my journey.... and i will walk this, alone.
my friends have the best intentions for me. and i know they only want me well, and happy. then again, i know, i will be on my own. no, i'm not abandoned. just that i cannot expect them to understand.....what i'm putting myself through. it's a willing-part of me, not at gunpoint.
we haven't talked like we did now, not for a long time. the bond is still there, like i never really left. and we're so comfortable with each other now. sure, we're playing flirt, but we're somewhat still mindful. perhaps now that the tension is gone, no more pressure, no more finger-pointing. it did seem like we're starting all over again, taking true baby steps towards understanding each other. i believe that's how great relationship comes about: we all start off as friends. even if it didn't turn out the way it should, but yeah, still great friends.
i don't deny, it's really tempting to jump the gun. tempted many times. that would've just screw everything up, and put myself in greater disadvantage than i already am. both of us knew. we just knew. i'm still fragile inside, healing ever so slowly, and i'll break at pressure. i cannot take another set back, not for now. we both know.
i'm told to keep a distance, "for my own good". i couldn't. i wouldn't want to miss a chance for not being there. i just want my presence felt. not really readily available, but at least, i know i'm missed. i draw some strength from it, so i could hold on.
it may sound silly to you, but it's my journey. only i will know what does "holding on" would mean to me, only i will know what outcome i'll be expecting. some may say i'm blinded, but who isn't?
will i regret? no! coz i followed my heart, and am still following it.
unless you have the same courage to follow the heart and allow it to lead you blindly, then perhaps, you would have understood.
and being 'blind' has never felt this easy, this peaceful.
we haven't talked like we did now, not for a long time. the bond is still there, like i never really left. and we're so comfortable with each other now. sure, we're playing flirt, but we're somewhat still mindful. perhaps now that the tension is gone, no more pressure, no more finger-pointing. it did seem like we're starting all over again, taking true baby steps towards understanding each other. i believe that's how great relationship comes about: we all start off as friends. even if it didn't turn out the way it should, but yeah, still great friends.
i don't deny, it's really tempting to jump the gun. tempted many times. that would've just screw everything up, and put myself in greater disadvantage than i already am. both of us knew. we just knew. i'm still fragile inside, healing ever so slowly, and i'll break at pressure. i cannot take another set back, not for now. we both know.
i'm told to keep a distance, "for my own good". i couldn't. i wouldn't want to miss a chance for not being there. i just want my presence felt. not really readily available, but at least, i know i'm missed. i draw some strength from it, so i could hold on.
it may sound silly to you, but it's my journey. only i will know what does "holding on" would mean to me, only i will know what outcome i'll be expecting. some may say i'm blinded, but who isn't?
will i regret? no! coz i followed my heart, and am still following it.
unless you have the same courage to follow the heart and allow it to lead you blindly, then perhaps, you would have understood.
and being 'blind' has never felt this easy, this peaceful.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
utterly, utterly disgusted
i know this is like totally none of my business, and i know i know i shouldn't judged but i have no idea why i'm so bothered by what i saw. it caught me as an unpleasant surprise, and i couldn't let it go. so i simply need to get it out of my chest.
In a nutshell....
QC* and her hubby, Nice Guy (NG)*, is heading for a divorce after being married with each other for 4 years.... because a 3rd-party was involved. QC had found a new love, and hence she felt it only be better if they would go their separate ways.
I've known NG quite some time back, when i knew my ex-fiance. he was a totally sweet fella, who would go all out for the woman he loves. if the lady asked him to kill himself to prove his love, he would (or at least i got a feeling he would). QC, not a very popular figure, was always seen manipulating him or chiding him for something petty. she is totally bossy to NG, and many times, put him down in front of us. a few horrors we found her proud enough to share with us: he had to wash her undies for her, and he was made responsible to ensure her blankie covered her all night otherwise if she caught a cold in the morning, it would be his fault. erm, that spoke volume of her, doesn't it? that, was only the tip of the iceberg.
NG is not a well-off man, but really hardworking. knowing he had a disadvantage in the working society due to lack of qualifications, it didn't stop him for putting in hard work to put food on the table for her.
and after all that he had done for her, who sold his soul in exchange for her, she chose to be with a guy 7 years her junior.
many times i ponder back and forth, why a junior? if she chose someone else of way better qualities, like financially stable man to fulfill her dream of being a tai tai, who would be able to indulge her with branded bags and diamond rings, or someone in the high society so she can mingle with the rich and famous, or older man who would give her the securities or whatever, i think i would still hand it to her. but a junior??
is that true love with the junior? erm, well, i would never know but i sincerely doubt so. i only know that juniors are usually more attentive to their partners coz' of the amount of time they have on hand. and at their age, everything is about fun fun fun! and all that cliche quotes of "Living Life to the Max!". oh pish posh! sure, we all went through that age, and it was possibly the best times of my life too. so is that what she wanted? attention? but if she wanted attention, how would the guy able to work hard and build a career, hoping he would be able to give her the life she wanted, and yet juggle with the attention that she insisted?
and i'm actually angry at how disrespectful she really is to NG. she has already let him down, the least she could do is to be low-profile, quickly settle a for a quiet divorce, wish each other the best and move on with her own life. but she had the cheek to post an album of lovey-dovey pictures with her new affair, broadcasting the "green hat" she gave to her still-husband!? an album which is aptly named with a symbol of Love. and she put in simple words how they met, and she melted his heart with her smile and all that cheesy stuff. wow, i'm truly disgusted.
i shall refrain from judging her person. i definitely don't approve with what she's doing to NG, and now, not even her as a person.
i feel sad for her. at 28, if she's still clueless in what she wants for her life, and still think she has all the time to fool around, the world is her oyster and all that crap, well, all the best to her then. i hope that when she decides to wake up from all her ra-ra, she wouldn't realize that she has already past her prime, missed the train.
she (once) had the best, but it didn't seem the best to her, today.
foolish woman.
*names changed for privacy.
In a nutshell....
QC* and her hubby, Nice Guy (NG)*, is heading for a divorce after being married with each other for 4 years.... because a 3rd-party was involved. QC had found a new love, and hence she felt it only be better if they would go their separate ways.
I've known NG quite some time back, when i knew my ex-fiance. he was a totally sweet fella, who would go all out for the woman he loves. if the lady asked him to kill himself to prove his love, he would (or at least i got a feeling he would). QC, not a very popular figure, was always seen manipulating him or chiding him for something petty. she is totally bossy to NG, and many times, put him down in front of us. a few horrors we found her proud enough to share with us: he had to wash her undies for her, and he was made responsible to ensure her blankie covered her all night otherwise if she caught a cold in the morning, it would be his fault. erm, that spoke volume of her, doesn't it? that, was only the tip of the iceberg.
NG is not a well-off man, but really hardworking. knowing he had a disadvantage in the working society due to lack of qualifications, it didn't stop him for putting in hard work to put food on the table for her.
and after all that he had done for her, who sold his soul in exchange for her, she chose to be with a guy 7 years her junior.
many times i ponder back and forth, why a junior? if she chose someone else of way better qualities, like financially stable man to fulfill her dream of being a tai tai, who would be able to indulge her with branded bags and diamond rings, or someone in the high society so she can mingle with the rich and famous, or older man who would give her the securities or whatever, i think i would still hand it to her. but a junior??
is that true love with the junior? erm, well, i would never know but i sincerely doubt so. i only know that juniors are usually more attentive to their partners coz' of the amount of time they have on hand. and at their age, everything is about fun fun fun! and all that cliche quotes of "Living Life to the Max!". oh pish posh! sure, we all went through that age, and it was possibly the best times of my life too. so is that what she wanted? attention? but if she wanted attention, how would the guy able to work hard and build a career, hoping he would be able to give her the life she wanted, and yet juggle with the attention that she insisted?
and i'm actually angry at how disrespectful she really is to NG. she has already let him down, the least she could do is to be low-profile, quickly settle a for a quiet divorce, wish each other the best and move on with her own life. but she had the cheek to post an album of lovey-dovey pictures with her new affair, broadcasting the "green hat" she gave to her still-husband!? an album which is aptly named with a symbol of Love. and she put in simple words how they met, and she melted his heart with her smile and all that cheesy stuff. wow, i'm truly disgusted.
i shall refrain from judging her person. i definitely don't approve with what she's doing to NG, and now, not even her as a person.
i feel sad for her. at 28, if she's still clueless in what she wants for her life, and still think she has all the time to fool around, the world is her oyster and all that crap, well, all the best to her then. i hope that when she decides to wake up from all her ra-ra, she wouldn't realize that she has already past her prime, missed the train.
she (once) had the best, but it didn't seem the best to her, today.
foolish woman.
*names changed for privacy.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
From the Heart
have you ever felt so strongly about something that you just know it? i did, and havent been more sure about it. it's so strong that it shook through my bones.
yes it will be him, and i just know it.
time has been put aside, easily taken out of the equation. i guessed i could do that now because i have never been so sure about something, and i would wait even if its eternal. i knew the time would come, and i want to be ready. so now, i'm just cultivating the patience, the inside of me, so when the time comes, i'm ready. some would say i'm being naive, idealistic, and even plain stupid. but these remarks couldn't put me down; in fact these people possibly never feel the way i feel right now, simply because they didn't believe. i don't know who's more pathetic; i only couldn't describe that peace within. the heart tells me to wait, and my mind agreed. i know it'll all fall into place.
i know he has much doubt, about me, about himself, about the possibility of us. it's not for me to clarify, coz it will all come to light. he will get to see for himself.
is this make-believe? well, i don't know. but can you feel this strongly about some make-believes? i don't think so. have i totally erased all doubts? well, i couldn't say yes, because i'm a born worrywart. nevertheless, its truly holding on a faith that is to strong and its hard to ignore.
the time will come.
yes it will be him, and i just know it.
time has been put aside, easily taken out of the equation. i guessed i could do that now because i have never been so sure about something, and i would wait even if its eternal. i knew the time would come, and i want to be ready. so now, i'm just cultivating the patience, the inside of me, so when the time comes, i'm ready. some would say i'm being naive, idealistic, and even plain stupid. but these remarks couldn't put me down; in fact these people possibly never feel the way i feel right now, simply because they didn't believe. i don't know who's more pathetic; i only couldn't describe that peace within. the heart tells me to wait, and my mind agreed. i know it'll all fall into place.
i know he has much doubt, about me, about himself, about the possibility of us. it's not for me to clarify, coz it will all come to light. he will get to see for himself.
is this make-believe? well, i don't know. but can you feel this strongly about some make-believes? i don't think so. have i totally erased all doubts? well, i couldn't say yes, because i'm a born worrywart. nevertheless, its truly holding on a faith that is to strong and its hard to ignore.
the time will come.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Ripped apart
a few days ago, i've learned that Nic has a new gf, my heart ached, and sank. i was so not prepared to hear it from him. yes, i praised him for his honesty. just that i wasn't ready for it. sucking in all my emotions, struggling to get the right words, i still managed to give him my blessings. i don't know how i did it...
he told me she fitted the bill - someone who accomodates to his freedom, his erratic working schedule, his business travels, and other how-he-wanted-things-his-way. i guessed he gave me an impression she's really docile because she is telling her friends she's happy with him. yes, good for him. and yes, i was the wrong fit. ouch.
ever since we went our separate ways, and an attempt to try patch things up but only gotten rejected, my heart never gave up. i still pinned for the day we'll still be together. the feeling didnt ceased, surprisingly. it was only tucked neatly somewhere in my heart, waiting for its day to come alive again. deep down, there's a nagging tug, he's the one. but, likely, he didn't feel the same way. at least not for now....
i struggled to maintain my composure, i didn't know how come i couldn't pull away from the conversation with him. i felt stupid, why was i so nosy!? yes, i asked for it. i deserved it. and when the conversation ended, the tears flowed. i cried in church. and will cry again.
he apologized as he had no intention to hurt me. it's not his fault, never his fault, and not his responsibility of how i feel, not at all. i should've seen this coming. i guess, i truly understand now what it meant by "as long as you're happy, that's all that matters", even if i can feel my heart ripping into pieces. i never felt so much disappointment before, as far as i can rmbr.
am i ready to move on? it is even more apparent now: no. but is that a cue i should? i don't know... maybe it is, maybe it's not. questions, who would to give me the answer? i'm waiting for God's voice, His voice to comfort, to guide.
consolation? i'll be stronger.
but just let me slowly stopped the bleeding of my heart, and allow time to heal...... it has been 1 year since our broke up. now, i need another year.... or more.
he told me she fitted the bill - someone who accomodates to his freedom, his erratic working schedule, his business travels, and other how-he-wanted-things-his-way. i guessed he gave me an impression she's really docile because she is telling her friends she's happy with him. yes, good for him. and yes, i was the wrong fit. ouch.
ever since we went our separate ways, and an attempt to try patch things up but only gotten rejected, my heart never gave up. i still pinned for the day we'll still be together. the feeling didnt ceased, surprisingly. it was only tucked neatly somewhere in my heart, waiting for its day to come alive again. deep down, there's a nagging tug, he's the one. but, likely, he didn't feel the same way. at least not for now....
i struggled to maintain my composure, i didn't know how come i couldn't pull away from the conversation with him. i felt stupid, why was i so nosy!? yes, i asked for it. i deserved it. and when the conversation ended, the tears flowed. i cried in church. and will cry again.
he apologized as he had no intention to hurt me. it's not his fault, never his fault, and not his responsibility of how i feel, not at all. i should've seen this coming. i guess, i truly understand now what it meant by "as long as you're happy, that's all that matters", even if i can feel my heart ripping into pieces. i never felt so much disappointment before, as far as i can rmbr.
am i ready to move on? it is even more apparent now: no. but is that a cue i should? i don't know... maybe it is, maybe it's not. questions, who would to give me the answer? i'm waiting for God's voice, His voice to comfort, to guide.
consolation? i'll be stronger.
but just let me slowly stopped the bleeding of my heart, and allow time to heal...... it has been 1 year since our broke up. now, i need another year.... or more.
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