i dont know how much i can reveal here... those who know, should have known what happened. i'm picking up the pieces and it'll not be easy. i was prepared for the aftermath, but it somehow gotten worse than i was prepared for. maybe i've underestimated this whole thing, so i'm paying my feelings for this.
i'll be taking a break for a while. one month, 2 months... undefined.
i feel so drained... tired from what i put myself through.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
time ticks by...
as the timer shows, my days are numbered. i guess there wouldn't be an opportunity for me to back out of anything even if i want... everything has seemed to fall into place, and yar, i think i would have to put myself through this...
after strolling alone in that huge piece of grassland, my feet led me downslopes, heading towards a tunnel. i can see light, but i can't see anything there yet. every step i took became a bear, and with much caution. the smell of air was damp and stale. something is calling and watching me from behind. i stood there in my tracks, didn't know what to do. yet, i told myself i should walk forward. anxiety overwhelms me and i almost couldn't breathe. i saw myself already made half my way through the longwinding tunnel, i lean against the damp wall, beginning to crouch. i hugged my knees and felt like crying, feeling so lost and trapped in my thoughts. perhaps that's what i'll get when the mind and heart lost their synchronization.
i screamed and no one hears me. my voices echoed in the midst of the tunnel. no one was there at the point i stopped walking... no motivation. no point of crying, its simply redundant. i felt silly.
the walk to the end of the tunnel is inevitable, and i know i will make myself walk through this, even though the feeling's not going to be how i should supposed to feel. and that's what my mind is telling me: do things i have to do and do it right.
suddenly, i'm not so sure of myself anymore...
after strolling alone in that huge piece of grassland, my feet led me downslopes, heading towards a tunnel. i can see light, but i can't see anything there yet. every step i took became a bear, and with much caution. the smell of air was damp and stale. something is calling and watching me from behind. i stood there in my tracks, didn't know what to do. yet, i told myself i should walk forward. anxiety overwhelms me and i almost couldn't breathe. i saw myself already made half my way through the longwinding tunnel, i lean against the damp wall, beginning to crouch. i hugged my knees and felt like crying, feeling so lost and trapped in my thoughts. perhaps that's what i'll get when the mind and heart lost their synchronization.
i screamed and no one hears me. my voices echoed in the midst of the tunnel. no one was there at the point i stopped walking... no motivation. no point of crying, its simply redundant. i felt silly.
the walk to the end of the tunnel is inevitable, and i know i will make myself walk through this, even though the feeling's not going to be how i should supposed to feel. and that's what my mind is telling me: do things i have to do and do it right.
suddenly, i'm not so sure of myself anymore...
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Happie 24th BDay to me!
this is perhaps the only bdaywhich i'll treasure for the rest of my life. simply coz' its my last single's bday. i don't know how different it would be in future to be celebrating as a married woman, but as of now, this last bday as a singleton is something memorable to me.
my teammates shared among themselves and presented me $160 worth of Capitaland vouchers. alot huh? and vouchers are supposedly to be a norm in my team for bdays. 1stly, it's practical and 2ndly, you can never go wrong with vouchers. *LOL*.
YM's gang were a sweet bunch of people. they shared among themselves and bought me a Gucci handphone strap! hahaha... my very 1st branded gift and very 1st owned branded. i've never by far owned anything branded and now i do. pretty exciting though, even though it's a handphone strap. haha... they gave me the present on my bday eve where we headed for dinner and clubbing at Boilers Room. in addition, i signed up their Ladies' member. initially i thought they would pay for the Lady's card but in the end, i didn't have a heart to. after all, they've already bought a Gucci present which to some, may hurt their pocket. in addition, going clubbing would be on their expense as well. so, they've done enough for me. glad i had fun, and it's perhaps my 1st time as well, to be clubbing with all men (w/o YM around). great experience as i don't land myself in situations like this.
on my bday itself, my gang's turn to meet up with me. in the end, Bel wasn't feeling well and had to stay home. so which only left Ra and Mun. even though this was like a no-frills meeting, i enjoyed their company so much. and what i love about hanging out with them: endless topics to talk about. maybe it's just a girl's nature to keep talking, however, i feel chemistry among each other is so blardy important. and i'm so glad our chemistry are still there despite the fact we weren't in constant contact with each other. just wanna tell you how much i appreciated your presence...love you guys!
after meeting with the girls, i continued my session with some of YM's friends. basically one of them was hurting about his recent broke-up with his gf and we kind of "flocked" down to see what we could do. we ended up chilling at East Coast, usual hangout, Beach Cabana.
so that's pretty much marks my last singleton bday. even though every bday i had is very simple, i enjoyed how everything turned out. i know i'm so gonna missed my singlehood...
my teammates shared among themselves and presented me $160 worth of Capitaland vouchers. alot huh? and vouchers are supposedly to be a norm in my team for bdays. 1stly, it's practical and 2ndly, you can never go wrong with vouchers. *LOL*.
YM's gang were a sweet bunch of people. they shared among themselves and bought me a Gucci handphone strap! hahaha... my very 1st branded gift and very 1st owned branded. i've never by far owned anything branded and now i do. pretty exciting though, even though it's a handphone strap. haha... they gave me the present on my bday eve where we headed for dinner and clubbing at Boilers Room. in addition, i signed up their Ladies' member. initially i thought they would pay for the Lady's card but in the end, i didn't have a heart to. after all, they've already bought a Gucci present which to some, may hurt their pocket. in addition, going clubbing would be on their expense as well. so, they've done enough for me. glad i had fun, and it's perhaps my 1st time as well, to be clubbing with all men (w/o YM around). great experience as i don't land myself in situations like this.
on my bday itself, my gang's turn to meet up with me. in the end, Bel wasn't feeling well and had to stay home. so which only left Ra and Mun. even though this was like a no-frills meeting, i enjoyed their company so much. and what i love about hanging out with them: endless topics to talk about. maybe it's just a girl's nature to keep talking, however, i feel chemistry among each other is so blardy important. and i'm so glad our chemistry are still there despite the fact we weren't in constant contact with each other. just wanna tell you how much i appreciated your presence...love you guys!
after meeting with the girls, i continued my session with some of YM's friends. basically one of them was hurting about his recent broke-up with his gf and we kind of "flocked" down to see what we could do. we ended up chilling at East Coast, usual hangout, Beach Cabana.
so that's pretty much marks my last singleton bday. even though every bday i had is very simple, i enjoyed how everything turned out. i know i'm so gonna missed my singlehood...
Monday, October 20, 2008
absence (supposedly) makes the heart grows fonder...
YM is "out of my life" for 3 wholesome weekends. not that he totally detached himself from my life; we still chat on the phone for a few minutes every other day and it's like a one-sided affair thinggie where i msged him but he didnt respond. it's not really encouraging on my side coz' i don't get to hear much from him. of coz', he would still sneak a few msges telling me he's missing me and all...
i tried to keep myself occupied while he's away. by far, his bunch of friends are actually very sweet towards me: they would call me out over the weekends for movies, dins or ktv. yes, it's hefty on my wallet considering everyone's going on dutch. YM would be there to pay for my share y'know...
other than that bunch of friends, i was also in contact with mr. X, an ex-colleague from UPS. we would also be out for dinners and/or movies too. so it's another expense again...
so for these 3 weekends, my time were neatly occupied. not alot of time were spent thinking of YM, which is good and also bad. needless to go further in that... and my weekdays were working...
now that i've wrapped up my semester, leaving with just one more session of intensive lecture this weekend, i'm pretty much done with studies other than waiting for the final clearance of exams in mid-Nov. can't wait for exams to be over...
somehow, i didn't allow myself to feel lost without him by my side. even though it's temporary and for just 6 weeks, i made myself as busy as i could even though it drained me at the end of every week. however, that's how i felt could make my time past faster. then again, i may not receive total understanding from him. it's hard to explain when i'm here and he's there, and there's so much i could do to assure him. i'm suddenly lost...
right now, it's a good time for me to spend time with myself and things i enjoyed doing alone. after all, what's the possibility that i'll have such chances after i'm married? however, i've gotten too lonesome and he couldn't take it.
i can't possibly be sitting there all day and sulking upon his absence! since i have my space right now, of coz' i'm making full use of it. so i guess it irks him to know i'm enjoying myself without him while he's slogging his guts out. right... oh yeah, i understand that green-eyed feeling. but i don't deny that i'm REALLY enjoying myself to the max. perhaps it's refreshing for me to get a breather after being so sticky to YM for the past 4 years... even though it's only a short period of time, but i thought it's essential. so at least with this "breath of fresh air", i'm ready to embrace a new stage of life when he's back.
then again, he just can't see the point...
i tried to keep myself occupied while he's away. by far, his bunch of friends are actually very sweet towards me: they would call me out over the weekends for movies, dins or ktv. yes, it's hefty on my wallet considering everyone's going on dutch. YM would be there to pay for my share y'know...
other than that bunch of friends, i was also in contact with mr. X, an ex-colleague from UPS. we would also be out for dinners and/or movies too. so it's another expense again...
so for these 3 weekends, my time were neatly occupied. not alot of time were spent thinking of YM, which is good and also bad. needless to go further in that... and my weekdays were working...
now that i've wrapped up my semester, leaving with just one more session of intensive lecture this weekend, i'm pretty much done with studies other than waiting for the final clearance of exams in mid-Nov. can't wait for exams to be over...
somehow, i didn't allow myself to feel lost without him by my side. even though it's temporary and for just 6 weeks, i made myself as busy as i could even though it drained me at the end of every week. however, that's how i felt could make my time past faster. then again, i may not receive total understanding from him. it's hard to explain when i'm here and he's there, and there's so much i could do to assure him. i'm suddenly lost...
right now, it's a good time for me to spend time with myself and things i enjoyed doing alone. after all, what's the possibility that i'll have such chances after i'm married? however, i've gotten too lonesome and he couldn't take it.
i can't possibly be sitting there all day and sulking upon his absence! since i have my space right now, of coz' i'm making full use of it. so i guess it irks him to know i'm enjoying myself without him while he's slogging his guts out. right... oh yeah, i understand that green-eyed feeling. but i don't deny that i'm REALLY enjoying myself to the max. perhaps it's refreshing for me to get a breather after being so sticky to YM for the past 4 years... even though it's only a short period of time, but i thought it's essential. so at least with this "breath of fresh air", i'm ready to embrace a new stage of life when he's back.
then again, he just can't see the point...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
it'll be my turn soon...
went to bellie's convo today at the Raffles Convention Centre... it's nice to be seeing friends graduating. and so glad that i know this bunch of friends (and others as well) to be my main motivation for pursuing further studies. it's painful to be juggling both work and studies, but all will eventually come to an end, depend how soon it is.
i can't wait to be in my graduation ropes and throwing the mortar board up in the air. i don't know if i'll be able to see any familiar faces at the day of my convo, considering that most of the people i knew grad today. oh well....
my convo will be somewhere around this time next year. by then i believe i've turned moldy waiting for the graduation. whatever excitement i had would prolly have faded away. and then, i'm merely going through the process rather than enjoying it. haix... think too much again.
alright, time for bed.
i can't wait to be in my graduation ropes and throwing the mortar board up in the air. i don't know if i'll be able to see any familiar faces at the day of my convo, considering that most of the people i knew grad today. oh well....
my convo will be somewhere around this time next year. by then i believe i've turned moldy waiting for the graduation. whatever excitement i had would prolly have faded away. and then, i'm merely going through the process rather than enjoying it. haix... think too much again.
alright, time for bed.
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