Am sooooo sleepy!

It's a challenge trying to stay awake. I can't believe it's only past 11 in the morning! And I'm feeling lethargic all morning! I've done my lazy back stretches many times, yawning like nobody's business till I kept tearing and it's not getting better. Little motivation at work.... and I'm sitting on the fence about throwing in my resignation coz' I'm way too bored. Well, I do have a D&D to handle but the heart isn't at the right places lately.

Bintan, this weekend, I'm now hoping it would be slightly longer than just the weekend. But oh well, I need to use my precious leaves and I'm reluctant. And I do want to offset my leaves for earlier dismissal if the day comes for me to tender. Heh!

Anyway, sorting out my thoughts, exercising my brain a little through jotting journals would help keep me awake. Or snap me out of my slumber for a while....


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How am I coping after the hasty breakup? Well, I'm still in contact with him, just friends chatting. I think it's me trying to constantly remind myself that he's no longer in a relationship with me. The truth I've dug from him 2 Sundays ago was hurting yet expected, but now the hurt is no longer there, just somehow always suspicious if he's doing anything behind my back now. Even though we're no longer in a relationship, it's relatively obvious we're not letting each other go. He blurted he still misses me, wanted much to initiate conversations, but he's worried that I would get the wrong intentions. I guess it finally dawned upon him that he's not truly ready to be in another relationship. Or he's worried that the other woman would come back again....

For this, I don't exactly know what I'm holding on or waiting. I want to move on, yet, not ready? It always end up this way for me, isn't it? Not all the time, but lately, with the last few, it has been like this. I guess it's not easy to just walk away when I know real heart has been put in, and genuinely, I want it to be the last. But I think there'll be a few more to go... LOL! Perhaps like what Ker Ker said, as we ladies progresses with age, the men available gets way smaller, in rapids. They're either in a stable relationship, getting ready for marriage, or married. Leftovers are just looking for playthings. Shucks.

So yeah, Ker Ker felt that I'm taken for a ride..... yet again. Well, I beg to differ though. I'm still fully aware whether the guy is genuine or not. When a guy does not have his heart in the relationship, it can be detected through his behavior and actions, even if it's in the beginning stages. I felt the genuine attraction and the chemistry.Whatever has happened to me is just being unfortunate...

Then again, I don't think I'll ever change. Even if it's just the beginning of a new relationship, I would just plunge right in, give my fullest. To some they would feel it's stupid, coz' that only increased my chance of getting hurt. Let's put it this way: if I don't like to be treated half-fucked, then why even give half-fucked treatment to the person I genuinely like and think that there's a possibility to develop into something else better? The other party can feel it, if I'm not entirely into this relationship.And that, to me, is already started out on the wrong foot. At least even if I get hurt, I know I've done my best, and not thinking, "if I should've done that for him.....". So yeah, no regrets.

Having said all these, I don't know what's next for me. I do feel that what we had for that short period of time was precious even though shortlived, and would like to give it another shot. But I know better than to come across too aggressive. Oh well, now I'm hanging around lor...

Prematured death

i wonder if there's such thing as a superstition about having to announce a new r'ship during the 1st "trimester". i know about preggies, but what about r'ship? any? barely 1 month of dating, it ended. i think, it barely even started full scale.

the 1st 2 weeks were just awesomely sweet. we met up every other day. we were very much into each other. both were giving our best, no reservations. it's warm and fuzzy in the tummy, like i've previously mentioned. now i think about it, i still don't understand how 2 weeks later, everything just spiraled downwards.

all it started was a silly prank call. someone called him while he was outstationed for work, claimed to know who he was, and then some parts of his ugly past relationships. he freaked, apparently too easily. he text me in the wee hours when i was aslp, asking if i have given anyone his number, or do i know anyone who's in indonesia (based on the country code). and when i spoke to him, he had his nerves frazzled, and simply became incoherent. he was at the brink of inconsolable. he started interogating me who i shared his past with and all that. and a few days later, he said he needed some space to sort things out. i was taken aback. almost 2 weeks later of little or no communication, he text me saying he wanted to break it off, and "sorry and take good care of yourself!".

i probed, and he refused to say much, only that it was all in bad timing and unfortunate that such things (prank call) happened and when it did, he had his doubts and reservations already. alot of coincidental incidents which are too coincidental to believe and all that. said it was up to me to believe his "crap", and he admitted that it was irresponsible of him to break up with a text, but he doesn't know how to face me as he doesn't want to be asking questions that he doesn't want to know. seriously, i don't entirely know what he meant by that last sentence.

throughout the 2 weeks, he was quite hysterical. he was short-fused as he kept thinking of the prank caller, trying to figure out his intentions, and who would actually "betrayed" him. and the questions clouded his mind till he was unable to communicate with me, and to the point where he actually had to request for a time-out from me. in my honest opinion, it's too drama.

perhaps i managed to figure out (the prank call) for him, a little too logical and easy; or perhaps he just kept thinking and forming his own conclusions..... i have no friggin' idea! it's so infuriating! why am i the scapegoat of this silly episode??! unless someone doesn't want me to be with him...

it's still nonetheless painful, and a part of me died as well. i did put my heart in, i was keen to give it my best shot.

i'm feeling really injust now. i want a proper closure, an explanation! and i somewhat feel a spur to kick his butt to wake up his idea. i think he takes this r'ship a little too lightly. i hope i'm only following what the spirit spurs me on to....

Blessed

I'm all smiles, thinking about this entry. I'm officially attached. *Grins* And I'm attached to an old schoolmate, whom we've lost contact for 10 years. We had a brush of fling back then, and it was quickly ended as soon as we started because I was seeing someone else at the same time. One fine day, he decided to try his luck on an old contact, least to realize I was still contactable. That's how it all started....

It wasn't easy, when I decided to give up waiting on my last r'ship. After almost 2 years, I decided to stop nursing a broken heart, I decided I wanted to move on, and I'm tired of being someone's backup plan. He has made his decision to move on (even though it's getting apparent he's not letting up on me after 1 year being attached to someone else), and hanging on would be meaningless to me. I'm surprised how I am saying this now, considering I felt so strongly back then that I should wait. I'm glad the strength came and I was pushed forward. It's somewhat still a pity, I feel. But I'm not looking back already. :)

Fate is smiling on us now. How we've all grown up! Yet, we didn't lose that chemistry we had 10 years ago. It was fun, and our 1st date after 10 years was awesome. Perhaps, the booze we had helped us loosen up and we were enjoying ourselves so much. That was one sweet date, totally memorable. And by the 3rd date, we decided to give us another try. Progressing fast? Well, I do feel a little, however, the feeling's right.

Yet, for a long while, I was thinking how I'm going to find a new relationship since I don't meet new people. And tadah! He came along, when I least expected it. It truly caught me by surprise. It's still settling in to me on the fact how we went one big round and still end up together. Difference is, we're now serious about each other. Or at least, we're both on the same page....

Everyday now, I give my thanks. I have been feeling amazing, warm and fuzzy, deep within. I'm coming to a full circle, or at least I hope so. :)

I'm still happily getting used to the whole dating process all over. It seems like a norm for him to be meeting dinner everyday. It's unusual for me though, considering I have been relatively "independent" in all my past relationships. And with a personal transport, I guess it facilitates the entire dating process too. I'm basically in cloud nine everyday for the past week! And I'm treasuring each and every moment of this wonderful feeling.

I'm feeling really blessed. Thank you Lord.

Boredom Kills Me Softly...

This is bad. I was so drowsy till I actually dozed off at my desk. Not good. Luckily no one spotted me, I guess. No, I’m not on medication or anything, just simply bored. That’s usually what happened when I have really nothing to do or don’t know what else to do. And I actually have the cheek to googled “bored at work what to do”. LOL! Well, I tripped upon an article in Forbes about the productivity of employees due to boredom. It was a good read; still, I dozed off when I finished it. But the moment I shut my eyes for a minute, I visualized the word “Boredom” and I was inspired to blog abit about this.

One part of the article spells truth:

“…..employees also become demotivated and uninspired when they don’t have much control over their jobs or input on important decisions, are not getting enough feedback or positive recognition to feel competent in their work, and don’t feel like they are developing or making progress towards something that’s important.”

Source: Bored In The Office: Is It The New Productivity Killer? 
http://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2012/05/31/bored-in-the-office-is-it-the-new-productivity-killer/

That, totally reflected my current situation.

When I first joined this company, I was raring to go! In fact, they managed to jump start my engine, jamming on the accelerator and I was enjoying the adrenaline. Imagine, barely 3 days upon joining this company, I had to sit in with the management meeting and we’re launching a new treatment in less than 2 months’ time. So it was a mad rush, and I was already clocking the overtime. It was nonetheless a form of motivation for me. Right after, another smaller scale project that I spearheaded all by myself because my boss was not around for good 3 weeks, and I sure took it on. From the planning till execution, without interference. All my bosses were to say yes or no to certain design and stuff, but not the idea. How cool was that! It was sure a good morale booster! However, I guessed happy times like those couldn’t last.

Soon after the mid-year, everything just nose dived. My boss seemed to have “changed” his working techniques, or would say, resumed to his “old ways” of working. I had a hard time accepting it. His “new/old” working style became, “you don’t have to know what I’m doing until I tell you”. What’s worse? He threw me a project, instructed me to work on the proposal. I did as told. I was thinking, “wow! Finally REAL work again!” Alas, it was my wishful thinking, I supposed. Each time I’ve sent him my work, he threw them out. So I humbly redo and redo and redo. My thoughts were, “till you’re happy”. Finally it came to my 6^th proposal, he said it was good! “Yes! Like finally!!” I joyfully thought. Yet, nothing was carried out. By the way, that was more than 3 months ago.

Next, he decided that I should be tasked to take on a Huge project which in my view, it’s really Huge one. I almost drooled at the opportunity. He wanted me to weave a holistic strategy. Same practice, he criticized my sloppy work when I’m done, so I had to redo. Surprisingly, I never really give up even having those sh*t thrown at me. And my final proposal which I spent considerable amount of time on it, from sourcing for pictures to beautify my deck to reviewing past works, and really exhausted all juice I had onto the project, tweaked and tweaked and tweaked, till I felt satisfied or simply nothing more I could think of, I sent it to him believing it would portray the genuine efforts thrown in. Yet, 2 weeks past, no news. I reminded him again, he requested for me to resend to him. Another 3 weeks past, no news. That was about 2 months ago.

What I’m doing at the meantime? Just carrying out my menial daily tasks mainly sales support, while waiting for an answer, or waiting for some form of directions.

How all motivating can my job be right now? My boss totally disengaged himself with me (and the rest of the team too) to work on his don’t-know-what-he-is-brewing-back-there, and going to work seemingly a struggle. Pretty much wasting my time, I feel. Or in fact, I feel “under-utilized”. I don’t even feel “useful” anymore!

Many times, I have an impulse to just leave. Yet, my spirit encouraged me to “wait and see, wait and see”. Furthermore, it’s finally we get to see the outcome of don’t-know-what-he-is-brewing-back-there presentation on next Tuesday, hence I believe from there onwards, it would (or should) keep me busy again. Or that’s what I hope. At least, it’s just one more week. I’ve waited for more than 4 months just hanging around, so what’s one more week, right?

I’m not kind of employee who enjoys not having things to do and take the same paycheck. I do appreciate short lull periods for breather from all the hustle and bustle, but not prolonged breaks. I’m someone who seeks satisfaction in the work I do, or in fact, anything I put my mind in doing. After all, how motivating can a stagnant paycheck be?? No excuse to fight for better pay, no opportunities to grow and stretch myself and hence getting obsolete in the market. That is not motivating. In fact, worrying.

Almost a Goodbye now...

We're inching every minute towards 2013 now. I'm equally excited and yet feeling nostalgic all over again. I'm thankful for a new year, coz' it spells new beginnings, starting afresh, new resolutions, and always a healthy dose of hope for a better year. Growing up is never easy, considering the amount of challenges we faced from time to time, then again, I'm deeply grateful overall that my year was peaceful, eventful with many happy memories, and most importantly, generally healthy. Was down early part of this year with bouts of flu and just feeling under the weather once in a while, but that's pretty much about it. oh, did I mention about a lump found in my left boob? Funny that I'm not all too bothered about it, and guess what, it has diminished slowly. Now it is smaller than I first discover it. All it takes is a better diet, good spirits, and good faith. Hee!

I'm wrapping up the year with my FUFs, seemingly a routine now. It still amazed me how we met each other, considering our 'origins' are relatively complicated - from ex-classmates, to ex-bf's friends, to ex-colleagues and friend's friends. LOL!

I've started church choir about 1.5 months ago, and I believe I'm still going strong! I'm so glad to be introduced to this Choir family. It was a little awkward in the beginning, however, I'm slowly blending in well. People there are perpetually nice and warm, they make me feel pretty much at home. The highlight of Choir: I've located my prospectus Godma. It's so amazing, overwhelmed with gratitude, for the Lord sent me a perfect mentor. She's motherly and sisterly towards me, humble, and she's really an amazing woman. I believe most importantly, we can relate well. I prayed for a Godma, since it's a requirement for baptism, and I wanted a Godma who is spiritually matured to be able to guide me, and someone I can relate to, someone I would turn to for spiritual help. And when I mingled with her, I literally received a jolt in my spirit. It's quite unbelievable at that point in time, coz' I only know her for barely 2 to 3 weeks! But yet, I was feeling really excited to receive that prompting. And 6 weeks later, I finally mustered the courage to pop the question. I believed it caught her by surprise, and she prayed about it. She received confirmation and assurance from Him, and accepted my Godma proposal! :D still gave me goosebumps the way He works.

Serving Him and following His instructions are just as I thought it would be - Joyful. Everyday, it's a privilege to walk with Him. I can do this for as long as I live!

I've received my confirmation (like finally!). Was relatively pissed before, especially after the conversation with my Big Boss. Yet, it explained a whole deal why I wasn't confirmed. I was grateful to have given the golden opportunity to explain to her what's really going on behind the curtains, to correct her misunderstanding towards me and another colleague. Yes, He said it wasn't time yet, and He really planned it well, and made sure I would stay by His plans till He opens new doors for me. Yeah, so I'm glad the whole episode is behind me now, and I'm at peace already. Thank goodness I chose not to resent my days. Thankful, for the Faith really keeps me safe and strong. Countless of prayers of courage and strength were made during my days here it's unbelievable! Gosh!

I've many more things to be grateful for. In a nutshell, the year has been good for me. So, taking all the good vibes with me, I'll stride confidently into the New Year! Nobody knows what entails beyond 2012 but I'm positive it'll be better.. I believe there'll be even more things to be rejoicing about!

Happy New Year! May All of Us Have A Great One! :D