12 days of healing...

It’s about 12 days since I last heard from him.

The 1st 7 days was the worst. I needed to heal desperately. I was so disappointed, so angry, and so hurt, and when he changed his profile pic I had an immediate melt down. Actions like this, he’s really prompt.

Finally with all the praying, I calmed down and I felt that I need to clear the air. I thought whatsapp would be a good idea, but I realized that there was too much I needed to say. So I had to write an email instead. I was surprisingly at peace with myself when I wrote the email; but I was really focused on my feelings and (still) careful not to make him felt blamed.

And it was 3 days since I sent the email. No, there wasn’t any response from him. Even though when I sent out the email I knew I wouldn’t be expecting a reply, however now I can’t help wondering if he saw the email. How fickle.

As much as I need to break off all contacts, and I swear that it wasn’t never meant to manipulate him to respond, I really missed him a lot. I felt the no-contact was more for me to be alone and just be on my own. I knew how much I was hurt. And till today, I don’t know why a 9-weeks relationship could just throw me into the dumps so easily. Perhaps, I felt that I’ve been taken for a ride. But even so, shouldn’t I be “hating” him more than still hung up over him? The more I analysed, the more I feel the ache to let go.

Loving friends have been telling me that it’s not my fault. In fact, I knew that it wasn’t so much my problem to begin with even though it serves nothing more than a reminder. After all, I did whatever I could to try steering the relationship back to its healthy course. I tried different methods but he somewhat somehow just refused to engage. So frustrating…. And yet so hurtful.

An internal war is waging fiercely ever since the no-contact started. I’m trapped in between moving on or holding on. Somewhat I feel that if he shows a glimpse of remorse and sincerity to want to work things out, I will respond to it. But yet at the same time, I keep telling myself that it’s pointless to try anymore because he’s the problem and not realizing it himself. I don’t know what I should do, and sitting on the fence is so frustrating. Simply put, I hate being indecisive.

I’m resisting the urge to text him, to try to contact him. Even if I want to give in to that desire, I’m totally clueless to what to tell him without feeling upset. Knowing that I’m not in the “right frame of mind” yet, I knew I should not contact him. It’ll only make it worst.

I know I did okay...

today was my last day. before i did my exit clearance, i sent a farewell-thank-you email to people who i cared for. unfortunately, both the boss and her boss is not copied in them. surprisingly, my departure seemed sudden to some and they didn't know at all. naturally, they would ask the reason behind my decision to leave, and when i told them i wasn't given a choice, they paused, and then nodded thoughtfully with a sigh. somehow, people seemed to know what i meant. since it was a half-day today for the company, they left for CNY lunch and i left for good, they gave me comforting hugs, that almost brought tears to my eyes. well, my heart was surprisingly heavy when i left the building, little would i expect i would feel the same when i left UPS 5 years ago. little did i expect i was deeply attached to the people around me...

and the highlight of the morning was, a personal text message from another team's manager, telling me he genuinely felt that i was a good fit for the culture and was sorry to learn about my situation. and he would help me to link up to his headhunters if i'm willing. i thought that was really a sweet gesture, and yet humbled by his generosity. i was thinking, how he has put my own boss to shame. what a pity.

yes, everything happened for a reason. and i believe, God is protecting me from something which i may not want to be in, in the near future. i may not know, but i still choose to believe.

i miss them already. they're so much fun actually.

i'm glad to feel their reluctance, i'm glad to know they're aware i was somewhat the victim. i don't need them to do anything for me, but just knowing they're on my side, it's enough, more than enough. goes to show i did okay, and there's nothing wrong with me.

now, recapping if God gave me something better than the previous, definitely! i may have landed myself with a shitty boss again, but my colleagues are soooooooo fun-loving and the benefits are to die for! i had alot of fun working with them, and i was constantly showered with alot of quality free stuff! and i know i fitted that culture like a glove! just too bad for me.

so yeah, to an even better new job! hell, yeah!

Luck: how much should we believe in that?

when my mum learned about my current job situation, her 1st instinct was: you're really very suay, kept meeting these kind of bosses. as much as i didn't want to believe it was luck, i also couldn't helped but felt swayed by the superstition.

as Christians, we believe nothing is left for "luck". everything is predestined. the tribulations and challenges i faced, they're planned for. not by me of course. so if everything is already part of my journey that i'm taking, why is it still so hard to accept? And yet, if i would to blame it on luck, it would be easier? some colleagues of mine said, "it's just lack of fate". really, fate? it seems like we can blame on anything else that's possible, but except the fact where, "a challenge has been placed in your path for a good reason". maybe when anything is beyond perceived control, it could be fate or luck.

okay, i think i just lost myself.

fact is, i AM really lost.

suddenly, i just don't know where i should be heading or what i should be doing next. i lost my focus, and don't know what i'm pursuing nor what i want to be anymore. i don't really know how i can retrace my steps. my passion sort of fizzled during the midst and i've lost the motivation. it makes me wonder, if i had tried too hard to fit in to something which i don't truly belong. and if that has been the case, where should i be?

when i evaluated what truly speaks to my heart, a lot of things seemed lukewarm. in fact, i never truly felt passionate about something. i never had a favourite band (i like some good songs from some groups but never really a fan of a particular group), i don't really have a favourite color (my mood changes preferences), i don't have a favorite food (coz' as long as they're good and comforting, i like them) and many more non-favourites. perhaps, i was never really an extremist? therefore, everything was like, "so-so", "not bad", or "okay lor". and hence when it comes to choices in life, it naturally took on the half-baked attitude.

then again, when it comes to choosing a life partner, i don't seem to be that half-baked. i still strongly believe we shouldn't settle for 2nd-best. and when it's not the right one, no it's not okay. alright, so at least there's something i feel strongly about.

Choops and I just had this conversation earlier: why does it seem that we have difficulties staying in a job. and we seemed to be in the same shit right now. her boss is also a self-centered meanie, just takes care of his business, and his staff is none of his business. coincidence, or we're simply surrounded by mean bosses? to be fair, i've met really good ones, and truth be told, it's awfully hard to find bosses who care. maybe they also have their own agendas, but at least, their staffs were part of their agendas. maybe companies need to have staff turnovers as part of their KPIs like what my previous company did, so that will keep them in check for making employees leave.

anyway, i feel there's a need for me to know myself more. i've reached a stage that i don't think i want to push myself that hard, something which i don't wish to trade my health with, and even my weekends. i want them to be free for my family and church. i still want to climb up the corporate ladder, just that i don't mind if it takes longer than it supposed to. i've come to realize that going into my current company was not such a great idea after all. i was drawn by possible facade of its brand and controversies, and of coz', finally getting back into an MNC. yet, underlying was ugly, where they played petty politics, bosses who thought they're really good and competent considering they've "survived" over the years (doesn't equates to them equipping with proper people management skills). and simply all other things which i feel i'm really too jaded for workplace dramas and theatrics. and for once, in my 10 years of slavery, i lose sleep over work, and was actually stressed when Sunday night came. perpetually playing in head what i've yet to do, or what i've missed out. i wasn't motivated, i was just stressed out. for what, really. which is no wonder i was so mentally and emotionally drained. even the previous devil's den didn't caused me that much distress.

but of coz', none the wiser. i know this was a good lesson for me, and it helped me know myself a little bit better. and also, it does prove something even more: that i strive with the environment, not so much of the work. i may not hate the work i'm doing, but if i love the environment, it gives me a better reason to strive. i'm a people-person, so the (immediate) people around me that i work with and work for are very important to me. and finally, i come to realize that if i've no chemistry with the person i'm working for, i.e. my direct supervisor, it's just wasting time. i thought maybe trying to work harmoniously would be enough, but nope, it definitely needs more than that. i just need to find that out sooner...

yup, i believe my head's pretty much cleared up, my thoughts are finally flowing. phew. it was like jammed for the past 3 weeks.

and it's time to get back into the game. enough rantings. i'm even sick of hearing myself.

A period, to a tumultuous past

At this moment, I'm on my way home. I just collected my salary cheques from my ex company, so glad finally everything had been settled. I can now bid goodbye to that company and hope we'll never cross path again.

If it wasn't for the colleagues, I wouldn't know how I survived. They'd made my 20 mths stay much more bearable.

I'm saying goodbye to the obnoxious boss who acted like she's God; I'm saying goodbye to petty politics; and goodbye to all those unnecessary judgements I'm subjected to.

So glad everything now comes to an end and I can look forward to a better and brighter future. Awesome weather too, for this day! My heart felt so light now, it's unbelievable. So glad it's over.

♥

Blockages....

I was happily baptized 2 weeks ago, with the many thousands of them around the world. While others felt the Holy Spirit came down on them, I didn’t feel much. I don’t truly know why. But when I finally took the Eucharist, tears swelled when I gave thanks. It has been a long journey for me. And of course, I was excited about the whole thing, despite being cool throughout the entire event. Honored, definitely, to be part of this new loving family.

I’ve gained new friends who’re as closed as real sisters and brothers, new loving god-parents, new younger god-siblings (that came in a bunch!). How not to be spoiled by soaking in their love all the time? It’s great, everything has been awesomely great.

However, lately, I felt many blockages, like something’s not right. And I could feel myself “slipping away”. I wasn’t praying much, much less able to hear Him now, and I didn’t really know what’s going on. I didn’t feel like sharing during group sharing sessions. Simply, I couldn’t feel Him and felt pretty much disoriented. Honestly, I was getting scared.

I could always put the blame on my current company, but not right to do that. I really don’t wish to say much anymore, just only focus on getting out. At least, I’m quite focus on praying for a new job at least, as I know I’m soaking in a pool of poison, where it attacks the mental health. The resentments alone, is enough to kill any healthy being. It’s like hanging around with “living zombies”, people who work for the sake of working. They have no zest in life, and only talking behind each other’s back. Moderate gossiping is still fine by my standards, but it’s getting excessive lately. And the Big Bosses are considering to cut back some of our benefits as part of their cost-cutting initiative. I can really go on and on and on, however, instead of putting in so much effort to be whiney and miserable, I want to do something about it. I HAVE to do something about it. And I’m getting out of there. For my own sake, for my mental health, for the betterment of me, I want to get out. I wanted to just rough it out but enough is really enough.

By far, I’ve only went for 1 interview, out of the many resumes I’ve sent. Frustrating, really. I need a lot of strength, and loads and loads of patience. Sometimes I feel like I’m at the brink of just throwing in the letter…

I amazed myself...

I was appointed to be the emcee for my company’s event – Appreciation Dinner, aka D&D. I was under tremendous stress as I had to do the entire event in Mandarin. Not that I don’t speak that language, but it’s a lot more challenging than in English. To make matters worse, my Big Boss wanted me to say things which are, to me, hypocritical. Like how much heart have been put into the things that the company has done, the investments she put into making new crystal awards, blah blah blah. Okay, let’s put it this way, wanting me to say things which I don’t believe in, it’s just no-go for me. But how can I do it too?!

So for 2 weeks, I really sat on my duties. I didn’t know how to script it in the way she wanted me to. When I finally started on it, I somehow still managed to distract myself with other unimportant tasks. So it took real long for me to come out with the final draft.

Then again, there’s no final draft.

We had to get prepared and ready by 4pm, yet at 2pm, the Big Boss still wanted to add and change some event segments. That means, the event schedule couldn’t be confirm, and my script would still have to tweak! I was so stressed out, I was feeling so sick in my tummy. I was from almost prepared to totally unprepared. I was rigid, I admit, but it’s in Mandarin! Hell man, I needed to script every word properly because my Mandarin wouldn’t be that fluent if I’m unsure what to say, simply put.

Initially, the Big Boss wanted me to rehearse my emcee script with her. But thank God, I took her last minute changes as an excuse and she just left it to handle it myself. The last I wanted to do was to rehearse! OMG! It’ll be definitely awkward. Not that I cannot handle criticisms, but I knew rehearsing with her, she would have her inputs, and her inputs would really screw everything up for me. It would really screw my brains and stressed me out further.

I was so stressed about everything that I even forgot to pray to calm my nerves. However, I felt a sense of calmness overwhelmed me during the entire event. There were even more last minute changes, I somehow managed to cover it up, and people who not know, probably didn’t realize anything out of norm; other than our own team who’re running the show, of course. I felt totally empowered, mysteriously. And finally when the night wraps up, I was so washed out. My back was aching, my feet were sore, and my brain’s fried.

The last minute changes made my Project Manager, aka my Events Assistant, super pissed about it. Yet, I could be like cool about the changes. I guess I simply just went with the flow, and pretty much act upon circumstances. And I was just blown away by my own coolness, when I thought back of how I reacted. I could even turn around and consoled my colleague who was so red mad with the many impromptu arrangements.

I don’t know how I did it, but I did.

I’d received raving feedback from my fellow colleagues about my real cool composure and was impressed how I’d performed as an emcee. I was flattered that they didn’t notice how much I was trembling inside, especially when the event started. And they were rooting for me to be the emcee for the next company’s event. Oh Good Lord, I really don’t wish to go through another time! Once, and that’s it.

Well, I’m kinda happy how all turn out for me and my office team and for the rest of the colleagues. And most importantly, the entire event is behind me now. However, there’s an “evaluation” thing pending with the Big Boss. Coz’ she feels that we need know what’s good and not, so we wouldn’t repeat the same mistake the next round. 

Like seriously………..

He did a Houdini...

It has been one week since I’ve last heard from him. Suddenly he had decided to cut me off. I text him but he didn’t reply. And he even blocked me off on Whatsapp. I don’t know what triggered him to do things like that. I didn’t see this coming. We were still joking with each other the day before his disappearo act.

As much as I don’t wish to jump to conclusion, I can also guess what happened. His “past” is back to haunt him. Yes, one messed up dude.

Thinking about him just brings bouts of sadness. Then again, I never forget our first date. I haven’t forgotten the dates we had. Even though it was short-lived but they’re just great memories worth holding on to. And reminiscing them does brings my mood up a little.

According to him, before he decided to disappear on me, he said he would be travelling these 2 weeks. So let’s see what happens the week after next, if anything would change. Would he be spurred to text me suddenly?

Oh well, men like him, sucks.

Am sooooo sleepy!

It's a challenge trying to stay awake. I can't believe it's only past 11 in the morning! And I'm feeling lethargic all morning! I've done my lazy back stretches many times, yawning like nobody's business till I kept tearing and it's not getting better. Little motivation at work.... and I'm sitting on the fence about throwing in my resignation coz' I'm way too bored. Well, I do have a D&D to handle but the heart isn't at the right places lately.

Bintan, this weekend, I'm now hoping it would be slightly longer than just the weekend. But oh well, I need to use my precious leaves and I'm reluctant. And I do want to offset my leaves for earlier dismissal if the day comes for me to tender. Heh!

Anyway, sorting out my thoughts, exercising my brain a little through jotting journals would help keep me awake. Or snap me out of my slumber for a while....


------

How am I coping after the hasty breakup? Well, I'm still in contact with him, just friends chatting. I think it's me trying to constantly remind myself that he's no longer in a relationship with me. The truth I've dug from him 2 Sundays ago was hurting yet expected, but now the hurt is no longer there, just somehow always suspicious if he's doing anything behind my back now. Even though we're no longer in a relationship, it's relatively obvious we're not letting each other go. He blurted he still misses me, wanted much to initiate conversations, but he's worried that I would get the wrong intentions. I guess it finally dawned upon him that he's not truly ready to be in another relationship. Or he's worried that the other woman would come back again....

For this, I don't exactly know what I'm holding on or waiting. I want to move on, yet, not ready? It always end up this way for me, isn't it? Not all the time, but lately, with the last few, it has been like this. I guess it's not easy to just walk away when I know real heart has been put in, and genuinely, I want it to be the last. But I think there'll be a few more to go... LOL! Perhaps like what Ker Ker said, as we ladies progresses with age, the men available gets way smaller, in rapids. They're either in a stable relationship, getting ready for marriage, or married. Leftovers are just looking for playthings. Shucks.

So yeah, Ker Ker felt that I'm taken for a ride..... yet again. Well, I beg to differ though. I'm still fully aware whether the guy is genuine or not. When a guy does not have his heart in the relationship, it can be detected through his behavior and actions, even if it's in the beginning stages. I felt the genuine attraction and the chemistry.Whatever has happened to me is just being unfortunate...

Then again, I don't think I'll ever change. Even if it's just the beginning of a new relationship, I would just plunge right in, give my fullest. To some they would feel it's stupid, coz' that only increased my chance of getting hurt. Let's put it this way: if I don't like to be treated half-fucked, then why even give half-fucked treatment to the person I genuinely like and think that there's a possibility to develop into something else better? The other party can feel it, if I'm not entirely into this relationship.And that, to me, is already started out on the wrong foot. At least even if I get hurt, I know I've done my best, and not thinking, "if I should've done that for him.....". So yeah, no regrets.

Having said all these, I don't know what's next for me. I do feel that what we had for that short period of time was precious even though shortlived, and would like to give it another shot. But I know better than to come across too aggressive. Oh well, now I'm hanging around lor...

Prematured death

i wonder if there's such thing as a superstition about having to announce a new r'ship during the 1st "trimester". i know about preggies, but what about r'ship? any? barely 1 month of dating, it ended. i think, it barely even started full scale.

the 1st 2 weeks were just awesomely sweet. we met up every other day. we were very much into each other. both were giving our best, no reservations. it's warm and fuzzy in the tummy, like i've previously mentioned. now i think about it, i still don't understand how 2 weeks later, everything just spiraled downwards.

all it started was a silly prank call. someone called him while he was outstationed for work, claimed to know who he was, and then some parts of his ugly past relationships. he freaked, apparently too easily. he text me in the wee hours when i was aslp, asking if i have given anyone his number, or do i know anyone who's in indonesia (based on the country code). and when i spoke to him, he had his nerves frazzled, and simply became incoherent. he was at the brink of inconsolable. he started interogating me who i shared his past with and all that. and a few days later, he said he needed some space to sort things out. i was taken aback. almost 2 weeks later of little or no communication, he text me saying he wanted to break it off, and "sorry and take good care of yourself!".

i probed, and he refused to say much, only that it was all in bad timing and unfortunate that such things (prank call) happened and when it did, he had his doubts and reservations already. alot of coincidental incidents which are too coincidental to believe and all that. said it was up to me to believe his "crap", and he admitted that it was irresponsible of him to break up with a text, but he doesn't know how to face me as he doesn't want to be asking questions that he doesn't want to know. seriously, i don't entirely know what he meant by that last sentence.

throughout the 2 weeks, he was quite hysterical. he was short-fused as he kept thinking of the prank caller, trying to figure out his intentions, and who would actually "betrayed" him. and the questions clouded his mind till he was unable to communicate with me, and to the point where he actually had to request for a time-out from me. in my honest opinion, it's too drama.

perhaps i managed to figure out (the prank call) for him, a little too logical and easy; or perhaps he just kept thinking and forming his own conclusions..... i have no friggin' idea! it's so infuriating! why am i the scapegoat of this silly episode??! unless someone doesn't want me to be with him...

it's still nonetheless painful, and a part of me died as well. i did put my heart in, i was keen to give it my best shot.

i'm feeling really injust now. i want a proper closure, an explanation! and i somewhat feel a spur to kick his butt to wake up his idea. i think he takes this r'ship a little too lightly. i hope i'm only following what the spirit spurs me on to....

Blessed

I'm all smiles, thinking about this entry. I'm officially attached. *Grins* And I'm attached to an old schoolmate, whom we've lost contact for 10 years. We had a brush of fling back then, and it was quickly ended as soon as we started because I was seeing someone else at the same time. One fine day, he decided to try his luck on an old contact, least to realize I was still contactable. That's how it all started....

It wasn't easy, when I decided to give up waiting on my last r'ship. After almost 2 years, I decided to stop nursing a broken heart, I decided I wanted to move on, and I'm tired of being someone's backup plan. He has made his decision to move on (even though it's getting apparent he's not letting up on me after 1 year being attached to someone else), and hanging on would be meaningless to me. I'm surprised how I am saying this now, considering I felt so strongly back then that I should wait. I'm glad the strength came and I was pushed forward. It's somewhat still a pity, I feel. But I'm not looking back already. :)

Fate is smiling on us now. How we've all grown up! Yet, we didn't lose that chemistry we had 10 years ago. It was fun, and our 1st date after 10 years was awesome. Perhaps, the booze we had helped us loosen up and we were enjoying ourselves so much. That was one sweet date, totally memorable. And by the 3rd date, we decided to give us another try. Progressing fast? Well, I do feel a little, however, the feeling's right.

Yet, for a long while, I was thinking how I'm going to find a new relationship since I don't meet new people. And tadah! He came along, when I least expected it. It truly caught me by surprise. It's still settling in to me on the fact how we went one big round and still end up together. Difference is, we're now serious about each other. Or at least, we're both on the same page....

Everyday now, I give my thanks. I have been feeling amazing, warm and fuzzy, deep within. I'm coming to a full circle, or at least I hope so. :)

I'm still happily getting used to the whole dating process all over. It seems like a norm for him to be meeting dinner everyday. It's unusual for me though, considering I have been relatively "independent" in all my past relationships. And with a personal transport, I guess it facilitates the entire dating process too. I'm basically in cloud nine everyday for the past week! And I'm treasuring each and every moment of this wonderful feeling.

I'm feeling really blessed. Thank you Lord.

Boredom Kills Me Softly...

This is bad. I was so drowsy till I actually dozed off at my desk. Not good. Luckily no one spotted me, I guess. No, I’m not on medication or anything, just simply bored. That’s usually what happened when I have really nothing to do or don’t know what else to do. And I actually have the cheek to googled “bored at work what to do”. LOL! Well, I tripped upon an article in Forbes about the productivity of employees due to boredom. It was a good read; still, I dozed off when I finished it. But the moment I shut my eyes for a minute, I visualized the word “Boredom” and I was inspired to blog abit about this.

One part of the article spells truth:

“…..employees also become demotivated and uninspired when they don’t have much control over their jobs or input on important decisions, are not getting enough feedback or positive recognition to feel competent in their work, and don’t feel like they are developing or making progress towards something that’s important.”

Source: Bored In The Office: Is It The New Productivity Killer? 
http://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2012/05/31/bored-in-the-office-is-it-the-new-productivity-killer/

That, totally reflected my current situation.

When I first joined this company, I was raring to go! In fact, they managed to jump start my engine, jamming on the accelerator and I was enjoying the adrenaline. Imagine, barely 3 days upon joining this company, I had to sit in with the management meeting and we’re launching a new treatment in less than 2 months’ time. So it was a mad rush, and I was already clocking the overtime. It was nonetheless a form of motivation for me. Right after, another smaller scale project that I spearheaded all by myself because my boss was not around for good 3 weeks, and I sure took it on. From the planning till execution, without interference. All my bosses were to say yes or no to certain design and stuff, but not the idea. How cool was that! It was sure a good morale booster! However, I guessed happy times like those couldn’t last.

Soon after the mid-year, everything just nose dived. My boss seemed to have “changed” his working techniques, or would say, resumed to his “old ways” of working. I had a hard time accepting it. His “new/old” working style became, “you don’t have to know what I’m doing until I tell you”. What’s worse? He threw me a project, instructed me to work on the proposal. I did as told. I was thinking, “wow! Finally REAL work again!” Alas, it was my wishful thinking, I supposed. Each time I’ve sent him my work, he threw them out. So I humbly redo and redo and redo. My thoughts were, “till you’re happy”. Finally it came to my 6^th proposal, he said it was good! “Yes! Like finally!!” I joyfully thought. Yet, nothing was carried out. By the way, that was more than 3 months ago.

Next, he decided that I should be tasked to take on a Huge project which in my view, it’s really Huge one. I almost drooled at the opportunity. He wanted me to weave a holistic strategy. Same practice, he criticized my sloppy work when I’m done, so I had to redo. Surprisingly, I never really give up even having those sh*t thrown at me. And my final proposal which I spent considerable amount of time on it, from sourcing for pictures to beautify my deck to reviewing past works, and really exhausted all juice I had onto the project, tweaked and tweaked and tweaked, till I felt satisfied or simply nothing more I could think of, I sent it to him believing it would portray the genuine efforts thrown in. Yet, 2 weeks past, no news. I reminded him again, he requested for me to resend to him. Another 3 weeks past, no news. That was about 2 months ago.

What I’m doing at the meantime? Just carrying out my menial daily tasks mainly sales support, while waiting for an answer, or waiting for some form of directions.

How all motivating can my job be right now? My boss totally disengaged himself with me (and the rest of the team too) to work on his don’t-know-what-he-is-brewing-back-there, and going to work seemingly a struggle. Pretty much wasting my time, I feel. Or in fact, I feel “under-utilized”. I don’t even feel “useful” anymore!

Many times, I have an impulse to just leave. Yet, my spirit encouraged me to “wait and see, wait and see”. Furthermore, it’s finally we get to see the outcome of don’t-know-what-he-is-brewing-back-there presentation on next Tuesday, hence I believe from there onwards, it would (or should) keep me busy again. Or that’s what I hope. At least, it’s just one more week. I’ve waited for more than 4 months just hanging around, so what’s one more week, right?

I’m not kind of employee who enjoys not having things to do and take the same paycheck. I do appreciate short lull periods for breather from all the hustle and bustle, but not prolonged breaks. I’m someone who seeks satisfaction in the work I do, or in fact, anything I put my mind in doing. After all, how motivating can a stagnant paycheck be?? No excuse to fight for better pay, no opportunities to grow and stretch myself and hence getting obsolete in the market. That is not motivating. In fact, worrying.

Almost a Goodbye now...

We're inching every minute towards 2013 now. I'm equally excited and yet feeling nostalgic all over again. I'm thankful for a new year, coz' it spells new beginnings, starting afresh, new resolutions, and always a healthy dose of hope for a better year. Growing up is never easy, considering the amount of challenges we faced from time to time, then again, I'm deeply grateful overall that my year was peaceful, eventful with many happy memories, and most importantly, generally healthy. Was down early part of this year with bouts of flu and just feeling under the weather once in a while, but that's pretty much about it. oh, did I mention about a lump found in my left boob? Funny that I'm not all too bothered about it, and guess what, it has diminished slowly. Now it is smaller than I first discover it. All it takes is a better diet, good spirits, and good faith. Hee!

I'm wrapping up the year with my FUFs, seemingly a routine now. It still amazed me how we met each other, considering our 'origins' are relatively complicated - from ex-classmates, to ex-bf's friends, to ex-colleagues and friend's friends. LOL!

I've started church choir about 1.5 months ago, and I believe I'm still going strong! I'm so glad to be introduced to this Choir family. It was a little awkward in the beginning, however, I'm slowly blending in well. People there are perpetually nice and warm, they make me feel pretty much at home. The highlight of Choir: I've located my prospectus Godma. It's so amazing, overwhelmed with gratitude, for the Lord sent me a perfect mentor. She's motherly and sisterly towards me, humble, and she's really an amazing woman. I believe most importantly, we can relate well. I prayed for a Godma, since it's a requirement for baptism, and I wanted a Godma who is spiritually matured to be able to guide me, and someone I can relate to, someone I would turn to for spiritual help. And when I mingled with her, I literally received a jolt in my spirit. It's quite unbelievable at that point in time, coz' I only know her for barely 2 to 3 weeks! But yet, I was feeling really excited to receive that prompting. And 6 weeks later, I finally mustered the courage to pop the question. I believed it caught her by surprise, and she prayed about it. She received confirmation and assurance from Him, and accepted my Godma proposal! :D still gave me goosebumps the way He works.

Serving Him and following His instructions are just as I thought it would be - Joyful. Everyday, it's a privilege to walk with Him. I can do this for as long as I live!

I've received my confirmation (like finally!). Was relatively pissed before, especially after the conversation with my Big Boss. Yet, it explained a whole deal why I wasn't confirmed. I was grateful to have given the golden opportunity to explain to her what's really going on behind the curtains, to correct her misunderstanding towards me and another colleague. Yes, He said it wasn't time yet, and He really planned it well, and made sure I would stay by His plans till He opens new doors for me. Yeah, so I'm glad the whole episode is behind me now, and I'm at peace already. Thank goodness I chose not to resent my days. Thankful, for the Faith really keeps me safe and strong. Countless of prayers of courage and strength were made during my days here it's unbelievable! Gosh!

I've many more things to be grateful for. In a nutshell, the year has been good for me. So, taking all the good vibes with me, I'll stride confidently into the New Year! Nobody knows what entails beyond 2012 but I'm positive it'll be better.. I believe there'll be even more things to be rejoicing about!

Happy New Year! May All of Us Have A Great One! :D

early reflections

As X'mas draws near, I was given a jab in my spirit that the year was drawing to a close. Amazingly fast, year after year. And when I looked back at my own resolution drafted up early part of this year, I could be slightly consoled that I've managed to meet 3 out 8! I'm still effectively working on two of those unfulfilled ones though, and the rest still yet to fulfill. well well, not bad, for a starter I guess! hahaha...

What's more, I'm slowly getting more involved in church, which is something really crucial to keep me healthy in faith. I've joined the choir for 2 weeks now, and I'm really enjoying myself. I feel really privileged, to sing for the Lord, and for the church community. The feeling's awesome.

Soon, by next upcoming Easter, I would be baptized. I'm still praying for the day my mum's acceptance about me being baptized. And I do wish that she would be there to witness me being baptized. Her acceptance is important to me, as I do not wish to go against her wishes. Yes, if she still refused, I would listen to her. During this time, I am also on the search for a Godmother. I prayed for a Godmother who would be spiritually matured, hence she would be able to guide me, listen to me, and as good as a Big Sister to me. Guess what? I think I've found her. I still need more time to confirm if it would be her..... ooooooh, I'm actually excited eh! I do hope she wouldn't reject me if I would to ask her.....

Anyhow, it's good to give thanks constantly. Hence before the year ends, I want to give my heartfelt thanks to these people, who made my year eventful, filled with Love.

Fuck-Up Friends (aka FUFs)
I must say, I thank my Fuck-Up group of friends who has painted my world colorful. Rain or shine, they're there. I'm truly blessed to the core to have such great bunch of friends. They never fail to make me angry, cheesed off, frustrated, anxious, excited, and delightful. With them, a huge array of emotions are usually used, and I believe that's what made my world especially eventful. I truly thank God for His Gift of these friends to me.

Bel, Ra, and Mun
My true-blue soulmates, and the sisters of my life. Or an impersonation of 4 best friends in Sex and the City (we still can't figure out who's who). 15 years of friendship with Mun, 14 years of friendship with Bel, 11 years of friendship with Ra; we practically spent our teens together. And I'm seeing us growing old together too.... just that thought makes me darn excited. how much more blessed can we be? :D

Adrian
My unofficial God-brother. When no one believed in platonic friendships, I guess we're good to prove its existance. He's there ever ready for me, even when we don't hear each other for months, and likewise. And that listening ear is ever so important to me. 

Ex-UPSers
They're the ones whom made me regret leaving UPS. I've missed them much over the years, and secretly hoped one day I could revert back to UPS and they would still be there. It's truly rare to have ex-colleagues who never fail to organize gatherings or dinner outings, have fun and be merry.

Cherries! 
The Lord brings us together, and will keep us together. And it's really heartwarming to see one by one getting hitched, getting and gotten married. Best part is, we can count on each other for prayers, for strength, for support. How much cooler is that!?

Family
This year, we've grown to be closer. I'm meeting mummy regularly for dinner now, or in fact, as and when we're available. I know mummy is growing older, and she needs company especially when brothers are not as attentive. And I'm working on letting her know she can depend on me too, for emotional support. Simply want to be there for her, when she needs me. (Am actually tearing while writing this! OMG!) And am grateful that my big bro is making the effort to bring us siblings together, meeting us for dinners, or bringing us to JB!


Even though I've been single for almost 2 years now (record breaking!), I'm eternally grateful to the Lord for bringing all these people to me. My days were so much more colorful, and never really dull. There's always something to do, and they made my days packed! So I wouldn't complain about boring single's life... haha!

Perhaps in the midst of the abundance of Love from friends, I don't think I can settle with just friends. I'm still looking out for Love, and hope the right guy will come along. In my heart, it's still him. However, I believe to a certain extend, it didn't really matter if we'll end up together. I may feel the pity, but it wouldn't disappoint me much. Such things cannot be rushed, so yeah, it'll be a wait. For how long, well, just wait lor. Ha!

Relieved

After twiddling thumbs for almost a month, feeling totally lost at work and piling loads of resentment within me, I could finally heaved a sign of relieved.

For a couple of weeks now, I was afraid to "catch" the Boss at the wrong time, I sent an email on the outstanding matters which required his updates. Truth be told, he didn't reply. I waited and waited, till I felt I couldn't keep on wasting my life away, he finally told me what I needed to hear: "I'm also lost now". Thank God!!

Projects are not pushing through coz' we're simply not receiving proper feedback from the HQ. Based on his judgement, the product launch would likely be postponed till next year. Simply said, what I've prepared already would be put on hold till further notice. Of coz, it would have made my life easier if he had been more upfront about it, give us the next direction rather than keeping mum and doing his own ops stuff. Thank God I didn't sit there waiting, literally. I worked on year end proposals which now I would have the abundance of time to get it out right. Phew!

Now, a huge load off my chest, and am really happy. I was so worried, due to bad experiences with him. It's like sitting on a time bomb, where I wouldn't know if I've gotten all things done or I've missed out on anything. One moment he felt tht all was done, another moment he claimed how disappointed in me for missing out things which didn't cross my mind. I can never figure him out...

Oh well, all of that behind me now! No longer resenting. It's just simply not enjoyable to not know what's going on, that's all. And suddenly it all came flooding back, I love my job. Hahaha...

getting worn

on the 13th would be my 9th month in this current job, and i'm getting worn out. it's not exhaustion from work. in fact, i've always enjoyed my marketing work. ever since i've decided to take on the marketing path, i knew it was something i really want to do for the rest of my life. it's always fun, dynamic, exciting. even though i do hate the reporting stuff, but it's just a small part to fulfill. so the exhaustion actually comes from dealing with the culture, and the boss(es).

perhaps, today was just not my day. i sent a report to the big boss, and she asked me to go to her office as she needed some clarifications. seeing the figures were not according to her expectations, she asked if i followed up. well, truthfully no. my stand was, my boss was the person to be talking to the Sales team and I'd highlighted this issue to him before. he's well aware and told me that currently due to the GSS period, the figure made sense. in his perspective, in comparison to GSS, this report was of lower priority to him than the real money. either how, he had taken over the responsiblities to be the overall in-charge for the Sales team in all aspect, and he would be the person to convey the message to them, i didn't see why i needed to be following up directly from the sales team. if the "in-charge" is not taking priority in this report as of now, am i supposed to still enforce it, by my own rules?

anyhow, the big boss was "utterly disappointed", claiming that this project was my baby, and in exact words she said, "why are you pushing your work to others?". she seriously think that my boss would take over my work if i pushed it to him?? dream on. i wasn't in the mood to rebutt, so i didn't. i just kept quiet, and let her be "utterly disappointed". oh pls, it's a Monday Morning!

and the week before, on a Friday, i felt humiliated by the boss. in a meeting, we gave him updates of an upcoming event we'll be hosting. i gave him the floor plan of the event, shared with him a brief idea of the layout, only to be put down by him. to him, it's "an impressive work with no content". simply coz' he felt that i didn't think through the entire layout, or "failed to imagine how the entire event would be before planning". seriously, if i didn't have an imagery, how the hell i would be able to derive the layout?! so he went on and on and on and on, giving various analogies that reflect my shoddy work.... and he even asked the rest of the team to "vote" if they agree to my proposal of the event layout. honestly, WTF. was that even necessary? sorry, i didn't see that as "guidance", just his way to prove his point that my proposal was trash. the important part was, i didn't even insist that my layout had to be carried out, nor did i said that the layout was final and nothing else to be said. all i did was to show him what i had done, and bam! i was shot down. and he shot me a few more times on my dead body to ensure zero survival. sometimes, i simply don't get it why he had to do such things!?

he apologized to me before the meeting ended. and when we went back to our seats, while he packed his bag ready to leave, he apologized to me again. i wonder if he knew what he was apologizing about. so now that he had apologized twice, am i supposed to forgive and forget? i don't know.... i'm not so much in the forgiving mood lately...

it's simply draining to be dealing with people like that. i wouldn't say they're brainless, but simply unprofessional. they have no qualms in saying things that hurt, picking faults, don't really care if they've wrongly accused people, quick to judge.... even if i've put in my all, and i just slipped a little, they'll constantly harped on the slip-up. why? coz' "it's almost perfect! and now you're not perfect! why oh why?!?" oh, so be it. so tiring to be always explaining and explaining and explaining. i can't keep up with the dramas.

i'm not through with this company yet. next year would be an exciting year with the projects on hand. i need those projects on my resume. and then, if things are not still looking up, i'll leave. patience wearing thin.....

it's my journey.... and i will walk this, alone.

my friends have the best intentions for me. and i know they only want me well, and happy. then again, i know, i will be on my own. no, i'm not abandoned. just that i cannot expect them to understand.....what i'm putting myself through. it's a willing-part of me, not at gunpoint.

we haven't talked like we did now, not for a long time. the bond is still there, like i never really left. and we're so comfortable with each other now. sure, we're playing flirt, but we're somewhat still mindful. perhaps now that the tension is gone, no more pressure, no more finger-pointing. it did seem like we're starting all over again, taking true baby steps towards understanding each other. i believe that's how great relationship comes about: we all start off as friends. even if it didn't turn out the way it should, but yeah, still great friends.

i don't deny, it's really tempting to jump the gun. tempted many times. that would've just screw everything up, and put myself in greater disadvantage than i already am. both of us knew. we just knew. i'm still fragile inside, healing ever so slowly, and i'll break at pressure. i cannot take another set back, not for now. we both know.

i'm told to keep a distance, "for my own good". i couldn't. i wouldn't want to miss a chance for not being there. i just want my presence felt. not really readily available, but at least, i know i'm missed. i draw some strength from it, so i could hold on.

it may sound silly to you, but it's my journey. only i will know what does "holding on" would mean to me, only i will know what outcome i'll be expecting. some may say i'm blinded, but who isn't?

will i regret? no! coz i followed my heart, and am still following it.

unless you have the same courage to follow the heart and allow it to lead you blindly, then perhaps, you would have understood.

and being 'blind' has never felt this easy, this peaceful.

utterly, utterly disgusted

i know this is like totally none of my business, and i know i know i shouldn't judged but i have no idea why i'm so bothered by what i saw. it caught me as an unpleasant surprise, and i couldn't let it go. so i simply need to get it out of my chest.

In a nutshell....
QC* and her hubby, Nice Guy (NG)*, is heading for a divorce after being married with each other for 4 years.... because a 3rd-party was involved. QC had found a new love, and hence she felt it only be better if they would go their separate ways.


I've known NG quite some time back, when i knew my ex-fiance. he was a totally sweet fella, who would go all out for the woman he loves. if the lady asked him to kill himself to prove his love, he would (or at least i got a feeling he would). QC, not a very popular figure, was always seen manipulating him or chiding him for something petty. she is totally bossy to NG, and many times, put him down in front of us. a few horrors we found her proud enough to share with us: he had to wash her undies for her, and he was made responsible to ensure her blankie covered her all night otherwise if she caught a cold in the morning, it would be his fault. erm, that spoke volume of her, doesn't it? that, was only the tip of the iceberg.

NG is not a well-off man, but really hardworking. knowing he had a disadvantage in the working society due to lack of qualifications, it didn't stop him for putting in hard work to put food on the table for her.

and after all that he had done for her, who sold his soul in exchange for her, she chose to be with a guy 7 years her junior.

many times i ponder back and forth, why a junior? if she chose someone else of way better qualities, like financially stable man to fulfill her dream of being a tai tai, who would be able to indulge her with branded bags and diamond rings, or someone in the high society so she can mingle with the rich and famous, or older man who would give her the securities or whatever, i think i would still hand it to her. but a junior??

is that true love with the junior? erm, well, i would never know but i sincerely doubt so. i only know that juniors are usually more attentive to their partners coz' of the amount of time they have on hand. and at their age, everything is about fun fun fun! and all that cliche quotes of "Living Life to the Max!". oh pish posh! sure, we all went through that age, and it was possibly the best times of my life too. so is that what she wanted? attention? but if she wanted attention, how would the guy able to work hard and build a career, hoping he would be able to give her the life she wanted, and yet juggle with the attention that she insisted?

and i'm actually angry at how disrespectful she really is to NG. she has already let him down, the least she could do is to be low-profile, quickly settle a for a quiet divorce, wish each other the best and move on with her own life. but she had the cheek to post an album of lovey-dovey pictures with her new affair, broadcasting the "green hat" she gave to her still-husband!? an album which is aptly named with a symbol of Love. and she put in simple words how they met, and she melted his heart with her smile and all that cheesy stuff. wow, i'm truly disgusted.

i shall refrain from judging her person. i definitely don't approve with what she's doing to NG, and now, not even her as a person.

i feel sad for her. at 28, if she's still clueless in what she wants for her life, and still think she has all the time to fool around, the world is her oyster and all that crap, well, all the best to her then. i hope that when she decides to wake up from all her ra-ra, she wouldn't realize that she has already past her prime, missed the train.

she (once) had the best, but it didn't seem the best to her, today.

foolish woman.



*names changed for privacy.

From the Heart

have you ever felt so strongly about something that you just know it? i did, and havent been more sure about it. it's so strong that it shook through my bones.

yes it will be him, and i just know it.

time has been put aside, easily taken out of the equation. i guessed i could do that now because i have never been so sure about something, and i would wait even if its eternal. i knew the time would come, and i want to be ready. so now, i'm just cultivating the patience, the inside of me, so when the time comes, i'm ready. some would say i'm being naive, idealistic, and even plain stupid. but these remarks couldn't put me down; in fact these people possibly never feel the way i feel right now, simply because they didn't believe. i don't know who's more pathetic; i only couldn't describe that peace within. the heart tells me to wait, and my mind agreed. i know it'll all fall into place.

i know he has much doubt, about me, about himself, about the possibility of us. it's not for me to clarify, coz it will all come to light. he will get to see for himself.

is this make-believe? well, i don't know. but can you feel this strongly about some make-believes? i don't think so. have i totally erased all doubts? well, i couldn't say yes, because i'm a born worrywart. nevertheless, its truly holding on a faith that is to strong and its hard to ignore.

the time will come.

Ripped apart

a few days ago, i've learned that Nic has a new gf, my heart ached, and sank. i was so not prepared to hear it from him. yes, i praised him for his honesty. just that i wasn't ready for it. sucking in all my emotions, struggling to get the right words, i still managed to give him my blessings. i don't know how i did it...

he told me she fitted the bill - someone who accomodates to his freedom, his erratic working schedule, his business travels, and other how-he-wanted-things-his-way. i guessed he gave me an impression she's really docile because she is telling her friends she's happy with him. yes, good for him. and yes, i was the wrong fit. ouch.

ever since we went our separate ways, and an attempt to try patch things up but only gotten rejected, my heart never gave up. i still pinned for the day we'll still be together. the feeling didnt ceased, surprisingly. it was only tucked neatly somewhere in my heart, waiting for its day to come alive again. deep down, there's a nagging tug, he's the one. but, likely, he didn't feel the same way. at least not for now....

i struggled to maintain my composure, i didn't know how come i couldn't pull away from the conversation with him. i felt stupid, why was i so nosy!? yes, i asked for it. i deserved it. and when the conversation ended, the tears flowed. i cried in church. and will cry again.

he apologized as he had no intention to hurt me. it's not his fault, never his fault, and not his responsibility of how i feel, not at all. i should've seen this coming. i guess, i truly understand now what it meant by "as long as you're happy, that's all that matters", even if i can feel my heart ripping into pieces. i never felt so much disappointment before, as far as i can rmbr.

am i ready to move on? it is even more apparent now: no. but is that a cue i should? i don't know... maybe it is, maybe it's not. questions, who would to give me the answer? i'm waiting for God's voice, His voice to comfort, to guide.

consolation? i'll be stronger.

but just let me slowly stopped the bleeding of my heart, and allow time to heal...... it has been 1 year since our broke up. now, i need another year.... or more.

i'm glad i've grown up

i know adding on to the numbers on my age is agonizing. however, after reading some of my blog posts randomly, dated as far as year 2007, it dawned upon me how much i've grown. it's something worth rejoicing, and i'm really glad.

when i blog, my innermost feelings are recorded. especially when i'm upset or angry about something, the words i used are so strong, so so so tactless. with my terrible temper and attitude, i believed i've hurt many people, including my own family. reading some of the posts i've written out of anger, it brought tears to my eyes to know how i have been. those were the days of being young and brash. i know what i was thinking back then, when i blogged. just that it didn't dawn upon me how narrow-minded i was.

i guessed it's true, wisdom comes with age. and yet i thought i was matured back then. my ass! hahahahaha... yes, i've went through some real challenges, from handling family drama, to being a runaway bride, to "forced resignation" from my previous company... well, it's rather eventful. and honestly, i thank God for putting me through all these challenges, and pulled me through one by one. and most importantly, i grew up bit by bit.

i feel that discovering my religion should be my biggest breakthrough in this stage of my life. it changed the way i think, the way i behave. i've learned to be appreciative towards people who loved me, even the littlest thing. for a while now, i felt at peace. i couldn't say i'm no longer stubborn, coz' i can still be quite adamant on certain things, but i feel that i'm more accomodating to others now. i'm no longer angry about things that have happened, no longer angry of my family whom i've misunderstood for the longest time. so blessed that i "woke up". and my greatest gift? i mended the bridge with my family, especially with my mum and my eldest bro. their unwavering love and support, i only have myself to blame. so blinded by my self-righteousness, and my angst.

i'm thankful, so thankful, ever thankful.