I feel stupid. I feel that I’ve been holding on for nothing. After the conversation on MSN last night, I finally came to terms to just move on. I cried again, and it still hurts a lot. Looked like he had already made up his mind all these while. So yes, it was only me still hoping we could get back together.
It’s time to bury the love I had for him all along. It brought tears to my eyes thinking about that.
Every time he popped into my mind, I prayed for him to come back. He finally did, only to come tell me that it’s no longer possible because “I have made that decision back then and he wouldn’t want to hold me back.” Yes, he wanted me to eat my words, and I took the humble pie. No matter how, he wouldn’t want to try to change the situation because he felt that things wouldn’t change. I guess I had caused him much resentment that he concluded I’m someone who’s completely unreasonable, and hence there were little chances of me changing for the better. So ultimately, he felt that I had to change to adapt him… if I couldn’t, then there is no point being together.
Yes, it seemed very much my fault. Perhaps, he felt he hasn’t done anything wrong. Maybe he didn’t, but it took two to clap. He would possibly never admit that he contributed to the breakup. Whatever it is, it’s really over.
I loved him so much more than I thought I did. Even though we seemed to be perpetually arguing, I came to accept that it was our way of communication. That’s partly because we enjoyed good conversations even though we irked each other with different opinions. And despite us having distinct differences in personalities, I was willing to go all out for him. Now, it’s a thing in the past.
It’s so painful; it’s so hard to cope. Even though I know time will heal wounds, the days were so harsh on me. I will learn to cope, and start afresh, by myself. I just hope he wouldn’t come back looking for me in the near future, as I wanted very much to end all feelings that might still be lingering….
I'll be praying. But this time round, I'll be praying for me to get over him.
