this is getting interesting. i didn't expect there would be so much comments and objections over what i said. one by one wanted to come talk to me, and explain things. hmmm...

let me see: you guys gets overly emotional to something which you think it was and then come shooting at me for some valid reasons, and now it seemed like i shouldn't have rebutted nor protected myself? is that the way how it works? and i'm supposed to know very clearly where you're coming from and what your intentions are? and now its seemed like i've wrongly accused everyone?? hmm... let's just put it this way: I DON'T SNAP FOR NOTHING. now you know how it feels to be wrongly accused huh? perhaps it's time to think in my shoes too... if you think i'm quick to snap, don't you think you're too quick to judge too? :)

if you think whatever i've done is uncalled for, have you ever ponder about your actions? out of the blue, tagged something not too pleasant and ambiguous, yet i'm supposed to just sit there do nothing? hmmm... weird thinking.

i dare declare that i've always been mutual to all of you. there're no biased judgements, i've never been fake about my friendship to any of you. however, it seemed like whatever i could give was just thrown back in my face! how good do you think that feels? now i just merely did the same thing, and you people just can't take it? this is prolly one to all - consider the impact from all to one.

what Ker Ker said isn't entirely wrong: why would friends even move away? isn't it that if friends move away, they're not even considered as friends to begin with? that would be as good as, acquaintances? no?

at the end of the day, i wanted you guys to know where you really are and just stay where you are. when you shouldn't cross the line, just don't. even YM is lying low, i don't see why his friends are not catching the hint. he, after all, should know who i really am.

whether or not, there're still friendship between us and you guys, well, time will eventually tell. not as if it mattered to me now... this thing is like one of the many things i have in my head to bother.

angry? perhaps... i don't like to be wrongly accused. but individually? no, not really. if you read my words carefully, i shoot at everyone and not just individually. basically, i'm not really pointing fingers at any of you specifically. i said things like, "you guys", "all of you"... and not you you you.... geddit??? kaoz!

whether any of you has good intentions or not, it's time to just back off, at least for a while. don't come and try make things better or worse. perhaps, just be abit more careful with words and filter them through your brain before tagging. also, don't expect me to be the same wavelength as any of you when you choose to tag. i'm alright to leave things as it is now, coz' we all get over it. even if things are now in the wrong foot, so what? my time doesn't stop here....

get over it people. i don't expect any sequel from here...

interesting comments

well, i'm still surprised that YM's friends are still hanging around my blog. thought they would have scattered elsewhere... since i'm feeling in the mood today, i shall address each and every one of them. :)

fionna: i've kind of expected that friends connected with YM would do such things, like moving away since i'm no longer with any connection with him. kind of weird isn't it? my friends would still regard YM as their friend (even though we're not an item anymore) whereas his friends don't behave this way.... worth wondering doesn't it? even if any one of my friends would to see YM on the street, they would prolly give a worthy hi-bye rather than looking through him as if he doesn't exist.

jacob: there's nothing for me to bullshit to any of you. it's either you accept whatever i say, or you just don't. when you don't, you can say that i'm lying, i'm bullshiting, i'm whatever. i don't have to convince you, do i? in fact, you people are the last ones on earth that i need to explain myself to. before pointing the finger at me, perhaps, take a GOOD look at the number of fingers pointing at yourself. i'm scary? i think you're much worse. one moment we're like good buddies, and the next, your back is turned. i thought friends should have mutual respect with each other. do you need to check up the dictionary what does MUTUAL really means? and something i've learnt about the difference between my girlfriends and the rest of you: they understood the REAL meaning of MUTUAL. at least i didnt make the effort to shame you; you did. on the contrary, i have always been grateful to you. whether or not you believe, to you, i have live up to my conscience. regret knowing me or not, it pretty much up to you. come to think about it, your reaction is something laughable.

jasmine: real friends DON'T QUIT! not that i take things for granted, but friends who eventually stick around are my REAL friends. anyone else, prolly the rest of you are fair-weathered, acquaintances per se, someone whom would see right through me on the streets one fine day and pretended i never existed. apparently that to me, it's seriously alright. the rest of you are not even worth a bat of my eyelids, perhaps other than Jacob. i hardly feel the pinch. and at the end of the day, whether i'm in the wrong or not, it's not really much rest of your business.


life goes on, people. so much grievances for something not even worth your effort to tag. whatever i'm doing is not exactly very mature right now, but i don't see why i should be cowering behind my keyboard and not do anything about it. even though i don' have much right to say this, however, i think it suits all of you who commented such things: GROW UP!

whether or not i deserve whatever you guys said, it seriously NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. i don't owe anyone of you any explanations, other than my own girlfriends and YM himself. and FYI, whatever you're doing, are only putting YM in a spot. my 2 cents' worth: THINK before you do anything. make use of the brain since you're given one.

since you people are so keen to 撕破脸皮, i have no qualms to do likewise. at least i avoid being a hypocrite one day. hope that one day, none of you would still smile at me and pretend none of this happened.

mark my words.

banquet... finally settled

i never forget how YM told me over the phone, that the banquet was such a pain in the ass. he had so much frustrations and angst over it. i don't blame him. i'm ashamed. in fact, he's right - what i've done to help him get out of this sticky situation? worse, he's so right that the mess i've made, he is made to clean up after me. he didn't deserve all these... and yet, at the end of the day, he still wanted to be with me. i don't know what he's thinking... dumb of him isn't it? well, he's a rare gem.

i was sharing with some people about my backup decision to loan that 15k from the bank if he can't rid the banquet in time. most of them told me it can be negotiated, and they advised me to think about it. seriously, i don't know how to go about getting this done... i'm not an expert in all areas.

this thing has been lingering in my mind. lost my appetite over this coz' 15k is not a small sum. i've an existing study loan to clear, and i can't take up another loan like that. of coz', if need be, i would do that. after all, it seemed only right to be paying off my "debt" owe to YM. and uncannily, today i've received a call from the restaurant. it's the banquet manager.

she was following up with my pending status for the banquet. and i told her that the banquet was off, she just confirmed that i would be forfeiting the deposit. at that point in time, i wanted to ask YM if this arrangement would be the best. but i decided to make the decision on the spot to cancel it, forfeit the deposit and get over it. i felt it was the least i could do for YM. she didn't sounded hostile at all. i'm really grateful.

for that moment i hung up, i felt a huge load of my chest. finally, we're freed.

of coz', to some of you, you prolly think that it's just something simple. oh well, at least it saved anymore trouble i've gotten YM to put through.

as for the deposit, i know, righteous friends out there would feel unfair for YM that it was his money which was forfeited. yes, i'm aware. i'm not saying i won't pay him back - half of the deposit. it's not alot of money but i'm cash strapped. no matter what, i'll try to pay him back. otherwise, i'll cash advance from my credit card to return him his well-deserved share.

sometimes, it seemed that people has this mentality that i didn't fork out my share of the wedding... annoying, actually. well, perceptions need not to be set right. i don't bother anymore...

i know i can do more to make it up to YM. other than cash, i don't know what else i can do...

sad isn't it? at the end of the day when everything's over, it's all about money.

even divorce is the same... money.

moving forward

finally, i've decided to put my foot down and moved on. apparently, not everyone is very encouraging. of coz', ultimately is my decision. however, they need not respect that as they felt i should've waited longer....

longer? hmm... i'm wondering how long more. i believe all should know waiting (alone) is no fun...

perhaps, they're right that if i've waited just a tad bit longer, YM could've come on the right time. but i don't know what was going on. all along, i only knew i'm subconciously waiting and waiting, yet don't know what would be the outcome. sorry, i just didn't know. and all i felt was sad when he suddenly came.

i guess nobody would really know how i felt deep down, the dilemma i felt. after all, it deemed to be so easy that all i had to say was to move on, and let go of what had been built before. seriously, talk is cheap isn't it? who is the person who had to go through the emotional struggle? me (and him). saying to move on is like snapping of my fingers? stop being so naive... i'm a thinker. i think of EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. what made it seemed as if i didn't think before i made my decision? if i don't think before that, i wouldn't have been so adamant about what i set my foot down. YM knows that about me...

it's almost effortless to tell me to back out since it's only a "couple of days". let's just say it took me alot of courage and effort to come to this decision, and even if it's a couple of days, i don't think i want to go through all that again.

i'm not expecting anyone to understand. and i believe some people will slowly move away from me... it's sad really. coz' it does show they're not really been objective. after all, i thought it would be best for them not to take sides and look at things at an objective standpoint, and not who they should pity more. i don't blame them. after all, YM is at the shorter end of the deal. i know, i wont get their blessings. perhaps, at the end of the day, they should know they shouldn't get too emotionally involved.

take it as i'm selfish, and i'm all for myself and nothing but myself. i'll leave it if people would think i'm heartless or impulsive or a slut. well, i live for myself now... if i don't take care of myself, who would? life goes on, doesn't it? even if i get misunderstood for the rest of my life, so be it. i don't think i need to redeem myself... i think it gonna tough but i do believe that ultimately people who respect and understands me would still hang around...


nevertheless, i would still want to thank Jacob, for helping out ever so readily. if it weren't for him, i guess YM would have been nothing and the assistance he rendered me was commendable. i sense his disappointment when he learnt about it, and i prolly not hear from him again. oh well... *shrugs*

things are different...

early this week, Jacob called me and asked if he could borrow my sunblock lotion. without thinking much, i agreed to lend him. we tried to arrange a time to meet, and finally settled on a Wednesday, after dinner with my department. i didnt think much of it, since he said he may be going to Sentosa over the weekends.

on Wednesday, he came by my place and waited till my colleagues gave me a ride home. i went back home and took the sunblock for him. somehow or rather, i didn't know how come he decided to tell me the truth - he's going to Tioman with YM and friends.

i don't blame him, coz' i know he did consider how i would have felt if i knew. he tried to make me feel better that they're considering to go again in Aug/Sept, and this time they'll get me to go. really, i didn't think it was necessary. put me and YM in a same room? or we're going to share a room with the others? even if sharing a room with others, put me and him on the same bed? things are not the same... people just cannot assume things are the same.

really, don't have to include me into their plans.

YM msged me that it's not the same without me around... and he missed me. i didnt reply coz' i didnt see a need to. after all, he didnt come around and tell me about this trip and prolly had the means to keep me in the dark. so i feel they should have cont'd to keep mum about this.

it has been more than a month, i didnt hear anything from him. and i think i've moved on from there already. like my bitch said, "time waits for nobody....". maybe i'm impatient, but there's nothing for me to be holding on to. i sat there, waiting... and nothing happened. not exactly very motivating. and almost all the time, Jacob has to be the middleman. he's tired, and i'm tired too. if he wants to be passive, then he can cont'd to be. i'm not pushing him to do anything, just thought whatever has to be done have to be coming from within, and not out of obligation or someone said nasty.

there're some genuine proposals out there, all put on hold. maybe it's time to look them through...