still... confused

glad i've managed to catch ker ker online.... been a good long while since i've talked to him. now that my god-nephew is here, all the more i foresee the slimming chances of seeing him again. his wife needs him more than i do, after all, she needs all the support she can get. i don't want to try ask him out coz' i know Rac is at her vulnerable stage, and the last thing i want her to get some post-natal depression which is indirectly caused by me.

despite such a long time, he still managed to take words out of my mouth. sometimes i wished to know how he managed to do that... i feel so at eased, i don't have to struggle with words, and with my feelings. he somehow knew what i'm going throught... i hoped i'm as sharp as him.

at this point in time, i just don't know what i want. it's frustrating actually, coz' at the end of the day after all that dates, i come home feeling empty. you know, just scared to make any commitments that i can't keep up with. ker ker advised me to just enjoy all the attention while it lasted, coz' after all i'm still not ready. true.

it just gets kind of tired. but i believe one day, things would eventually fall into place... just a matter of time, isn't it? how long more....

before i begin my sappy entries, i would like to congratulate my dearest Ker Ker, who finally ended his years of dream and 9 months of anticipation to start a family! yes, it's a Boy! even though he was hoping to have a girl 1st, but hey, it's harder to get a boy than a girl. so his "soldiers" did it! hahaha... glad to know mother and child are fine, and i guess it's a whole new chapter for him.

i wanted to visit him but i don't think his wife would like to see me. the last thing i want to do now is to aggravate his wife, who should be recuperating than getting jealous seeing me.

i guess there will be lesser chance to meet up with ker ker than it already has. its abit sad to know that, but i still feel happy that things are going well for him.

hear from you soon, ker ker...

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i'm keeping options open. nothing would be serious, just play the field when i still can. i know not all would agree... but i guess i'll do what makes me happy. rather than breaking into sobs when i get reminded of those memories... silly isn't it? it's only a picture, and it can get me into tears. felt so pathetic.

just to let you guys know, i've been going on some dates. maybe these will help me open my eyes more, and see what's out there for me. perhaps, this will help me to realize what i want. then again, nothing much to do after work nor over the weekends, so if there's something to do to kill time, why not. what's there for me to lose?


however, my heart is still closed.

still hurts...

met up with Jo and friends last Friday. was expecting them to ask me something, however to my pleasant surprised, none was raised up. the only closest thing they came asking me was, "how are you?". glad to answer that politically correctly.

right now, things are moving on slowly for me. when i see anything pertaining to wedding, my heart aches and my mind wandered. so close to being married.... considering how thrilled i was back then. now, its just an aching memory.. sometimes i wonder, the gown still lying in YM's wardrobe, will i get to wear that again? or its another piece of cloth waiting to be sold away?

i wonder: who will be the person i'll spend the rest of my life with? suddenly, i'm not so sure anymore... my heart do still hold that answer but i'm don't know if that would ultimately prevail.

now, i'm still too blinded by my wreath.