Almost a Goodbye now...

We're inching every minute towards 2013 now. I'm equally excited and yet feeling nostalgic all over again. I'm thankful for a new year, coz' it spells new beginnings, starting afresh, new resolutions, and always a healthy dose of hope for a better year. Growing up is never easy, considering the amount of challenges we faced from time to time, then again, I'm deeply grateful overall that my year was peaceful, eventful with many happy memories, and most importantly, generally healthy. Was down early part of this year with bouts of flu and just feeling under the weather once in a while, but that's pretty much about it. oh, did I mention about a lump found in my left boob? Funny that I'm not all too bothered about it, and guess what, it has diminished slowly. Now it is smaller than I first discover it. All it takes is a better diet, good spirits, and good faith. Hee!

I'm wrapping up the year with my FUFs, seemingly a routine now. It still amazed me how we met each other, considering our 'origins' are relatively complicated - from ex-classmates, to ex-bf's friends, to ex-colleagues and friend's friends. LOL!

I've started church choir about 1.5 months ago, and I believe I'm still going strong! I'm so glad to be introduced to this Choir family. It was a little awkward in the beginning, however, I'm slowly blending in well. People there are perpetually nice and warm, they make me feel pretty much at home. The highlight of Choir: I've located my prospectus Godma. It's so amazing, overwhelmed with gratitude, for the Lord sent me a perfect mentor. She's motherly and sisterly towards me, humble, and she's really an amazing woman. I believe most importantly, we can relate well. I prayed for a Godma, since it's a requirement for baptism, and I wanted a Godma who is spiritually matured to be able to guide me, and someone I can relate to, someone I would turn to for spiritual help. And when I mingled with her, I literally received a jolt in my spirit. It's quite unbelievable at that point in time, coz' I only know her for barely 2 to 3 weeks! But yet, I was feeling really excited to receive that prompting. And 6 weeks later, I finally mustered the courage to pop the question. I believed it caught her by surprise, and she prayed about it. She received confirmation and assurance from Him, and accepted my Godma proposal! :D still gave me goosebumps the way He works.

Serving Him and following His instructions are just as I thought it would be - Joyful. Everyday, it's a privilege to walk with Him. I can do this for as long as I live!

I've received my confirmation (like finally!). Was relatively pissed before, especially after the conversation with my Big Boss. Yet, it explained a whole deal why I wasn't confirmed. I was grateful to have given the golden opportunity to explain to her what's really going on behind the curtains, to correct her misunderstanding towards me and another colleague. Yes, He said it wasn't time yet, and He really planned it well, and made sure I would stay by His plans till He opens new doors for me. Yeah, so I'm glad the whole episode is behind me now, and I'm at peace already. Thank goodness I chose not to resent my days. Thankful, for the Faith really keeps me safe and strong. Countless of prayers of courage and strength were made during my days here it's unbelievable! Gosh!

I've many more things to be grateful for. In a nutshell, the year has been good for me. So, taking all the good vibes with me, I'll stride confidently into the New Year! Nobody knows what entails beyond 2012 but I'm positive it'll be better.. I believe there'll be even more things to be rejoicing about!

Happy New Year! May All of Us Have A Great One! :D

early reflections

As X'mas draws near, I was given a jab in my spirit that the year was drawing to a close. Amazingly fast, year after year. And when I looked back at my own resolution drafted up early part of this year, I could be slightly consoled that I've managed to meet 3 out 8! I'm still effectively working on two of those unfulfilled ones though, and the rest still yet to fulfill. well well, not bad, for a starter I guess! hahaha...

What's more, I'm slowly getting more involved in church, which is something really crucial to keep me healthy in faith. I've joined the choir for 2 weeks now, and I'm really enjoying myself. I feel really privileged, to sing for the Lord, and for the church community. The feeling's awesome.

Soon, by next upcoming Easter, I would be baptized. I'm still praying for the day my mum's acceptance about me being baptized. And I do wish that she would be there to witness me being baptized. Her acceptance is important to me, as I do not wish to go against her wishes. Yes, if she still refused, I would listen to her. During this time, I am also on the search for a Godmother. I prayed for a Godmother who would be spiritually matured, hence she would be able to guide me, listen to me, and as good as a Big Sister to me. Guess what? I think I've found her. I still need more time to confirm if it would be her..... ooooooh, I'm actually excited eh! I do hope she wouldn't reject me if I would to ask her.....

Anyhow, it's good to give thanks constantly. Hence before the year ends, I want to give my heartfelt thanks to these people, who made my year eventful, filled with Love.

Fuck-Up Friends (aka FUFs)
I must say, I thank my Fuck-Up group of friends who has painted my world colorful. Rain or shine, they're there. I'm truly blessed to the core to have such great bunch of friends. They never fail to make me angry, cheesed off, frustrated, anxious, excited, and delightful. With them, a huge array of emotions are usually used, and I believe that's what made my world especially eventful. I truly thank God for His Gift of these friends to me.

Bel, Ra, and Mun
My true-blue soulmates, and the sisters of my life. Or an impersonation of 4 best friends in Sex and the City (we still can't figure out who's who). 15 years of friendship with Mun, 14 years of friendship with Bel, 11 years of friendship with Ra; we practically spent our teens together. And I'm seeing us growing old together too.... just that thought makes me darn excited. how much more blessed can we be? :D

Adrian
My unofficial God-brother. When no one believed in platonic friendships, I guess we're good to prove its existance. He's there ever ready for me, even when we don't hear each other for months, and likewise. And that listening ear is ever so important to me. 

Ex-UPSers
They're the ones whom made me regret leaving UPS. I've missed them much over the years, and secretly hoped one day I could revert back to UPS and they would still be there. It's truly rare to have ex-colleagues who never fail to organize gatherings or dinner outings, have fun and be merry.

Cherries! 
The Lord brings us together, and will keep us together. And it's really heartwarming to see one by one getting hitched, getting and gotten married. Best part is, we can count on each other for prayers, for strength, for support. How much cooler is that!?

Family
This year, we've grown to be closer. I'm meeting mummy regularly for dinner now, or in fact, as and when we're available. I know mummy is growing older, and she needs company especially when brothers are not as attentive. And I'm working on letting her know she can depend on me too, for emotional support. Simply want to be there for her, when she needs me. (Am actually tearing while writing this! OMG!) And am grateful that my big bro is making the effort to bring us siblings together, meeting us for dinners, or bringing us to JB!


Even though I've been single for almost 2 years now (record breaking!), I'm eternally grateful to the Lord for bringing all these people to me. My days were so much more colorful, and never really dull. There's always something to do, and they made my days packed! So I wouldn't complain about boring single's life... haha!

Perhaps in the midst of the abundance of Love from friends, I don't think I can settle with just friends. I'm still looking out for Love, and hope the right guy will come along. In my heart, it's still him. However, I believe to a certain extend, it didn't really matter if we'll end up together. I may feel the pity, but it wouldn't disappoint me much. Such things cannot be rushed, so yeah, it'll be a wait. For how long, well, just wait lor. Ha!

Relieved

After twiddling thumbs for almost a month, feeling totally lost at work and piling loads of resentment within me, I could finally heaved a sign of relieved.

For a couple of weeks now, I was afraid to "catch" the Boss at the wrong time, I sent an email on the outstanding matters which required his updates. Truth be told, he didn't reply. I waited and waited, till I felt I couldn't keep on wasting my life away, he finally told me what I needed to hear: "I'm also lost now". Thank God!!

Projects are not pushing through coz' we're simply not receiving proper feedback from the HQ. Based on his judgement, the product launch would likely be postponed till next year. Simply said, what I've prepared already would be put on hold till further notice. Of coz, it would have made my life easier if he had been more upfront about it, give us the next direction rather than keeping mum and doing his own ops stuff. Thank God I didn't sit there waiting, literally. I worked on year end proposals which now I would have the abundance of time to get it out right. Phew!

Now, a huge load off my chest, and am really happy. I was so worried, due to bad experiences with him. It's like sitting on a time bomb, where I wouldn't know if I've gotten all things done or I've missed out on anything. One moment he felt tht all was done, another moment he claimed how disappointed in me for missing out things which didn't cross my mind. I can never figure him out...

Oh well, all of that behind me now! No longer resenting. It's just simply not enjoyable to not know what's going on, that's all. And suddenly it all came flooding back, I love my job. Hahaha...

getting worn

on the 13th would be my 9th month in this current job, and i'm getting worn out. it's not exhaustion from work. in fact, i've always enjoyed my marketing work. ever since i've decided to take on the marketing path, i knew it was something i really want to do for the rest of my life. it's always fun, dynamic, exciting. even though i do hate the reporting stuff, but it's just a small part to fulfill. so the exhaustion actually comes from dealing with the culture, and the boss(es).

perhaps, today was just not my day. i sent a report to the big boss, and she asked me to go to her office as she needed some clarifications. seeing the figures were not according to her expectations, she asked if i followed up. well, truthfully no. my stand was, my boss was the person to be talking to the Sales team and I'd highlighted this issue to him before. he's well aware and told me that currently due to the GSS period, the figure made sense. in his perspective, in comparison to GSS, this report was of lower priority to him than the real money. either how, he had taken over the responsiblities to be the overall in-charge for the Sales team in all aspect, and he would be the person to convey the message to them, i didn't see why i needed to be following up directly from the sales team. if the "in-charge" is not taking priority in this report as of now, am i supposed to still enforce it, by my own rules?

anyhow, the big boss was "utterly disappointed", claiming that this project was my baby, and in exact words she said, "why are you pushing your work to others?". she seriously think that my boss would take over my work if i pushed it to him?? dream on. i wasn't in the mood to rebutt, so i didn't. i just kept quiet, and let her be "utterly disappointed". oh pls, it's a Monday Morning!

and the week before, on a Friday, i felt humiliated by the boss. in a meeting, we gave him updates of an upcoming event we'll be hosting. i gave him the floor plan of the event, shared with him a brief idea of the layout, only to be put down by him. to him, it's "an impressive work with no content". simply coz' he felt that i didn't think through the entire layout, or "failed to imagine how the entire event would be before planning". seriously, if i didn't have an imagery, how the hell i would be able to derive the layout?! so he went on and on and on and on, giving various analogies that reflect my shoddy work.... and he even asked the rest of the team to "vote" if they agree to my proposal of the event layout. honestly, WTF. was that even necessary? sorry, i didn't see that as "guidance", just his way to prove his point that my proposal was trash. the important part was, i didn't even insist that my layout had to be carried out, nor did i said that the layout was final and nothing else to be said. all i did was to show him what i had done, and bam! i was shot down. and he shot me a few more times on my dead body to ensure zero survival. sometimes, i simply don't get it why he had to do such things!?

he apologized to me before the meeting ended. and when we went back to our seats, while he packed his bag ready to leave, he apologized to me again. i wonder if he knew what he was apologizing about. so now that he had apologized twice, am i supposed to forgive and forget? i don't know.... i'm not so much in the forgiving mood lately...

it's simply draining to be dealing with people like that. i wouldn't say they're brainless, but simply unprofessional. they have no qualms in saying things that hurt, picking faults, don't really care if they've wrongly accused people, quick to judge.... even if i've put in my all, and i just slipped a little, they'll constantly harped on the slip-up. why? coz' "it's almost perfect! and now you're not perfect! why oh why?!?" oh, so be it. so tiring to be always explaining and explaining and explaining. i can't keep up with the dramas.

i'm not through with this company yet. next year would be an exciting year with the projects on hand. i need those projects on my resume. and then, if things are not still looking up, i'll leave. patience wearing thin.....

it's my journey.... and i will walk this, alone.

my friends have the best intentions for me. and i know they only want me well, and happy. then again, i know, i will be on my own. no, i'm not abandoned. just that i cannot expect them to understand.....what i'm putting myself through. it's a willing-part of me, not at gunpoint.

we haven't talked like we did now, not for a long time. the bond is still there, like i never really left. and we're so comfortable with each other now. sure, we're playing flirt, but we're somewhat still mindful. perhaps now that the tension is gone, no more pressure, no more finger-pointing. it did seem like we're starting all over again, taking true baby steps towards understanding each other. i believe that's how great relationship comes about: we all start off as friends. even if it didn't turn out the way it should, but yeah, still great friends.

i don't deny, it's really tempting to jump the gun. tempted many times. that would've just screw everything up, and put myself in greater disadvantage than i already am. both of us knew. we just knew. i'm still fragile inside, healing ever so slowly, and i'll break at pressure. i cannot take another set back, not for now. we both know.

i'm told to keep a distance, "for my own good". i couldn't. i wouldn't want to miss a chance for not being there. i just want my presence felt. not really readily available, but at least, i know i'm missed. i draw some strength from it, so i could hold on.

it may sound silly to you, but it's my journey. only i will know what does "holding on" would mean to me, only i will know what outcome i'll be expecting. some may say i'm blinded, but who isn't?

will i regret? no! coz i followed my heart, and am still following it.

unless you have the same courage to follow the heart and allow it to lead you blindly, then perhaps, you would have understood.

and being 'blind' has never felt this easy, this peaceful.

utterly, utterly disgusted

i know this is like totally none of my business, and i know i know i shouldn't judged but i have no idea why i'm so bothered by what i saw. it caught me as an unpleasant surprise, and i couldn't let it go. so i simply need to get it out of my chest.

In a nutshell....
QC* and her hubby, Nice Guy (NG)*, is heading for a divorce after being married with each other for 4 years.... because a 3rd-party was involved. QC had found a new love, and hence she felt it only be better if they would go their separate ways.


I've known NG quite some time back, when i knew my ex-fiance. he was a totally sweet fella, who would go all out for the woman he loves. if the lady asked him to kill himself to prove his love, he would (or at least i got a feeling he would). QC, not a very popular figure, was always seen manipulating him or chiding him for something petty. she is totally bossy to NG, and many times, put him down in front of us. a few horrors we found her proud enough to share with us: he had to wash her undies for her, and he was made responsible to ensure her blankie covered her all night otherwise if she caught a cold in the morning, it would be his fault. erm, that spoke volume of her, doesn't it? that, was only the tip of the iceberg.

NG is not a well-off man, but really hardworking. knowing he had a disadvantage in the working society due to lack of qualifications, it didn't stop him for putting in hard work to put food on the table for her.

and after all that he had done for her, who sold his soul in exchange for her, she chose to be with a guy 7 years her junior.

many times i ponder back and forth, why a junior? if she chose someone else of way better qualities, like financially stable man to fulfill her dream of being a tai tai, who would be able to indulge her with branded bags and diamond rings, or someone in the high society so she can mingle with the rich and famous, or older man who would give her the securities or whatever, i think i would still hand it to her. but a junior??

is that true love with the junior? erm, well, i would never know but i sincerely doubt so. i only know that juniors are usually more attentive to their partners coz' of the amount of time they have on hand. and at their age, everything is about fun fun fun! and all that cliche quotes of "Living Life to the Max!". oh pish posh! sure, we all went through that age, and it was possibly the best times of my life too. so is that what she wanted? attention? but if she wanted attention, how would the guy able to work hard and build a career, hoping he would be able to give her the life she wanted, and yet juggle with the attention that she insisted?

and i'm actually angry at how disrespectful she really is to NG. she has already let him down, the least she could do is to be low-profile, quickly settle a for a quiet divorce, wish each other the best and move on with her own life. but she had the cheek to post an album of lovey-dovey pictures with her new affair, broadcasting the "green hat" she gave to her still-husband!? an album which is aptly named with a symbol of Love. and she put in simple words how they met, and she melted his heart with her smile and all that cheesy stuff. wow, i'm truly disgusted.

i shall refrain from judging her person. i definitely don't approve with what she's doing to NG, and now, not even her as a person.

i feel sad for her. at 28, if she's still clueless in what she wants for her life, and still think she has all the time to fool around, the world is her oyster and all that crap, well, all the best to her then. i hope that when she decides to wake up from all her ra-ra, she wouldn't realize that she has already past her prime, missed the train.

she (once) had the best, but it didn't seem the best to her, today.

foolish woman.



*names changed for privacy.

From the Heart

have you ever felt so strongly about something that you just know it? i did, and havent been more sure about it. it's so strong that it shook through my bones.

yes it will be him, and i just know it.

time has been put aside, easily taken out of the equation. i guessed i could do that now because i have never been so sure about something, and i would wait even if its eternal. i knew the time would come, and i want to be ready. so now, i'm just cultivating the patience, the inside of me, so when the time comes, i'm ready. some would say i'm being naive, idealistic, and even plain stupid. but these remarks couldn't put me down; in fact these people possibly never feel the way i feel right now, simply because they didn't believe. i don't know who's more pathetic; i only couldn't describe that peace within. the heart tells me to wait, and my mind agreed. i know it'll all fall into place.

i know he has much doubt, about me, about himself, about the possibility of us. it's not for me to clarify, coz it will all come to light. he will get to see for himself.

is this make-believe? well, i don't know. but can you feel this strongly about some make-believes? i don't think so. have i totally erased all doubts? well, i couldn't say yes, because i'm a born worrywart. nevertheless, its truly holding on a faith that is to strong and its hard to ignore.

the time will come.

Ripped apart

a few days ago, i've learned that Nic has a new gf, my heart ached, and sank. i was so not prepared to hear it from him. yes, i praised him for his honesty. just that i wasn't ready for it. sucking in all my emotions, struggling to get the right words, i still managed to give him my blessings. i don't know how i did it...

he told me she fitted the bill - someone who accomodates to his freedom, his erratic working schedule, his business travels, and other how-he-wanted-things-his-way. i guessed he gave me an impression she's really docile because she is telling her friends she's happy with him. yes, good for him. and yes, i was the wrong fit. ouch.

ever since we went our separate ways, and an attempt to try patch things up but only gotten rejected, my heart never gave up. i still pinned for the day we'll still be together. the feeling didnt ceased, surprisingly. it was only tucked neatly somewhere in my heart, waiting for its day to come alive again. deep down, there's a nagging tug, he's the one. but, likely, he didn't feel the same way. at least not for now....

i struggled to maintain my composure, i didn't know how come i couldn't pull away from the conversation with him. i felt stupid, why was i so nosy!? yes, i asked for it. i deserved it. and when the conversation ended, the tears flowed. i cried in church. and will cry again.

he apologized as he had no intention to hurt me. it's not his fault, never his fault, and not his responsibility of how i feel, not at all. i should've seen this coming. i guess, i truly understand now what it meant by "as long as you're happy, that's all that matters", even if i can feel my heart ripping into pieces. i never felt so much disappointment before, as far as i can rmbr.

am i ready to move on? it is even more apparent now: no. but is that a cue i should? i don't know... maybe it is, maybe it's not. questions, who would to give me the answer? i'm waiting for God's voice, His voice to comfort, to guide.

consolation? i'll be stronger.

but just let me slowly stopped the bleeding of my heart, and allow time to heal...... it has been 1 year since our broke up. now, i need another year.... or more.

i'm glad i've grown up

i know adding on to the numbers on my age is agonizing. however, after reading some of my blog posts randomly, dated as far as year 2007, it dawned upon me how much i've grown. it's something worth rejoicing, and i'm really glad.

when i blog, my innermost feelings are recorded. especially when i'm upset or angry about something, the words i used are so strong, so so so tactless. with my terrible temper and attitude, i believed i've hurt many people, including my own family. reading some of the posts i've written out of anger, it brought tears to my eyes to know how i have been. those were the days of being young and brash. i know what i was thinking back then, when i blogged. just that it didn't dawn upon me how narrow-minded i was.

i guessed it's true, wisdom comes with age. and yet i thought i was matured back then. my ass! hahahahaha... yes, i've went through some real challenges, from handling family drama, to being a runaway bride, to "forced resignation" from my previous company... well, it's rather eventful. and honestly, i thank God for putting me through all these challenges, and pulled me through one by one. and most importantly, i grew up bit by bit.

i feel that discovering my religion should be my biggest breakthrough in this stage of my life. it changed the way i think, the way i behave. i've learned to be appreciative towards people who loved me, even the littlest thing. for a while now, i felt at peace. i couldn't say i'm no longer stubborn, coz' i can still be quite adamant on certain things, but i feel that i'm more accomodating to others now. i'm no longer angry about things that have happened, no longer angry of my family whom i've misunderstood for the longest time. so blessed that i "woke up". and my greatest gift? i mended the bridge with my family, especially with my mum and my eldest bro. their unwavering love and support, i only have myself to blame. so blinded by my self-righteousness, and my angst.

i'm thankful, so thankful, ever thankful.

Stay Home Weekends...

i don't know since when, i've become a homebody. almost every weekend i'm home, only stepping out of the house to get food or do some simple grocery shoppings. i guessed that's life for a singleton. sometimes it's boring to the max, but also, it is a way to slow down from work and catch up with rest. however, i don't hang out much after work too. hmmm.

colleagues are simply curious how come i don't have a boyfriend. i wished to know why too. hahaha... i guess it's just that as age catches up, i'm not too keen in 'socializing'. i rather bond with my bunch of friends, rather than making new friends. so when i'm constantly surrounded by platonic friends, it would take longer to hook up with someone, i believe. how long i intend to stay single? well, i don't know. i guess when it comes, it comes. and i believe i'm still finding "the one"... i thought i found him, but fate wasn't smiling on us on this one... not ever, i think. unless..... a twist of events? yeah, i wished... and that's evil.

it's kind of getting to me seeing people i know posting their pictures of their "happily ever after" and their "bundle of joy". there's nothing wrong at all. only wonder if there's something wrong with me. 27, going on 28, and soon 30. wow, i'm old. maternal instincts are slowly creeping in. when i see little tots, i would smile and give a silent prayer to keep the baby safe. sometimes, i would feel at peace watching the baby's actions. and now that my bestie is pregnant, i'm constantly overwhelmed with joy, anticipating the arrival of her baby. and i do look forward to some good news from my brother soon!

anyhow, i guess there will be more stay-home weekends for me till i'm hooked up again. not that it's anything bad, but i don't enjoy staying home and moping over the fact i'm dateless. hahaha... oh well....

The Peace, Hope, Love, and Joy of a New Year!

in a blink of an eye, we've just ushered in the new year. many people i'd used to know are either married or busy making babies. in fact, there seemed to have many new babies last year. for me, i'm still comfortably single. i do feel that age is creeping in. yet, there're just some things i have no intention to rush. come to think about it, i'm kind of past the phase that i'm so eager beaver to marry myself off, joining the "trend", wasn't it? anyway, i don't want to think how old i'll ever get hitched, i don't want to think if i'll ever have a family of my own, nor i want to envy people happily married. i'm Me. and i don't want regrets in life. and i promise myself, a real long time ago, i won't.

in today's Homily in Mass, i was reminded (yet again) to live in the Present. forget abt the negativities of the past, and do not bring those (negativities) with me to the Present. Live In The Present. and Father Bruno shared with the church of his friend, a Buddhist Monk, that when he sent an email, there would a email signature that said, "Have a Nice Day... unless you have something else in mind." i laughed. it's so true. this is something so simple, and yet so difficult to attain.

in the book, The Power of Now, it preaches simply the same things. leave the past, don't worry about the future, start working on the Now, i.e. the Present.

i have made some resolution for the New Year 2012, and i have all the determination to stick with it. when i was thinking i had everything pretty much covered, i realize it was all about myself. so no, the resolution is not complete. hence, i decided i add one more resolution to my list,

"to make it home for meals with Mama, at least once a month."

some would feel that "once a month" is kind of stingy. but i feel it's a good start. i do feel guilty that i only go over on certain occasions. and as much as i felt guilty, she may not be free for me too. hence, it has to be arranged, in a way.

and i believe one of the most important resolution for myself is,

"forget the Past, leave the Future to the Lord, start Living in the Present".


to myself, to my Love ones, to everyone,

Happy New Year.