Lunar New Year Eve

while i see others welcoming the new year as a family, here i am mopping over the reality and reminising the past...

my mum no longer honor her responsibilities as a housewife and seeks for greener pasture. she has found it and enjoyed it so much that there would be no way she would turned back, not even for her children. to her, her children has grown up and able to take care of themselves, it's time for her to find what she deserves. and she has decided to "wash her hands off" almost all matters pertaining to home. right now her mentality would be, "if you don't like, fuck it and do that yourself next time..." in contrary to the past, "oh, alright, never mind. just make do for now, we'll not have that next time...." and yet, she wants her kids to stand by her in regards to the messy divorce with her incompetant husband.

common family practices are omitted and a family doesn't feel family anymore. despite that some may think it's quite meagre, but to me, it means something. it represents something. coz' it's done as a family.

i wanted this whole saga to be over... i want my parents to finally get ANYTHING and EVERYTHING settled, so i'll be able to find my peace and tranquility i needed badly. i overheard that the day would be Feb 9.... pray hard that it'll finally come to an end.

firmed

i think i've decided what i want. and definitely where i am now is not what i'm looking for. it's a conversation with one of my new, and now became ex, colleagues kind of make me realise what have i been doing all these while.

she may think i'm still young and there's still time to lose. but hell no, i don't think that way! i felt so much older than i really am. i felt as if i'm already in my mid-twenties than someone who just reached her adulthood. i never want to waste my precious time doing something i won't excel in, and might even end up not even achieving anything!

i wanted to do more than i can give. i want to give the more-than-necessary contributions to the company. i want to be seen as a valuable employee of the company, and not a disappointment. i want to learn more than just Sales. most importantly, bring in results and at the end of the day i know i've achieved something great, something that i would be proud of.

right now, what have i achieved? what can i be proud of? what have i done for the past 9 months???! nothing impressive.

i'm ashamed.

it's not only demoralizing, it is depressing as well. i can't even be motivated! everyday, i'm as good as a "lost sheep" trying to get organized, where there're too many things to do, too high expectations and just too little time. if i'm to continue what i'm doing, i'm wasting everybody's time and effort and even what i want to achieve in life!

but before i get hasty with my decisions, i'll take my time. no point landing myself into another pithole. time is running out for me, and soon, i need to come up with something concrete. i may need to discuss this with someone who would be able to feel what i feel, see what i'm looking.

God bless me...

is it time to give up?

sometimes i'm wondering whether i'm still as lost as i am when i 1st graduated. maybe i still am, or perhaps i already starting to know what i want.

is it becoz' of certain capabilities, people around me would naturally think highly of me? and they will start to get impatient when it seems that i'm not performing "up to standard"? so which standard are these people judging from? are they being judgemental or it's purely their "opinion"?

i'm struggling and i'm not afraid to admit. constant humiliation has challenged my pride, motivation and determination to do well. i'm not someone who responds well to reverse psychology methods.

some of my peers at work are my aspirations. but then again, i am not them. i don't have the pool of "helpers" that seemed to assisting them. my bosses might comment that i have the better pool of clients but it does not necessary mean that they're as sincere as they seemed to be. on contrary, my peers might not seemed to have "that good" clients, but they somehow just helped them a great deal.

so is that luck or poor skillsets?

you tell me.

it has been a good long while since i enjoyed myself quite well. and i know it was dangerous for me to go clubbing when i'm upset. however, i'm glad nothing really happened.

i thought i might be wild and playing with some other stranger, warming up and kissing someone else other than my boyfriend. despite i was close to drunk, i was well-behaved. even though i did some dancing with some of my bf's friends, everything was under control.

suddenly, i hope i'm single....

i don't know when would be the next time i will get to enjoy myself but sometimes, i shouldn't be too greedy. i should be blessed that i still managed to find such opportunity to let go of myself again. hahaa...

rants

i'm tired.

why won't there be anyone be there for me when i needed emotional support? i thought i could rely on someone but i guess the best person would juz be no one else other than myself.

things at home already not looking good and i always have to be involved involuntarily by the childish games my parents play. i'm looking for a channel to vent my fustrations. but no one will be there.

not even a trusty boyfriend.

he juz walked away from me, leaving me to fend for myself and i'm hoping that would be forever. i don't need him to be there for me. he's redundant. i can find other means of distractions i need to get my mind off whatever's bothering me.

get out of my life.