12 days of healing...

It’s about 12 days since I last heard from him.

The 1st 7 days was the worst. I needed to heal desperately. I was so disappointed, so angry, and so hurt, and when he changed his profile pic I had an immediate melt down. Actions like this, he’s really prompt.

Finally with all the praying, I calmed down and I felt that I need to clear the air. I thought whatsapp would be a good idea, but I realized that there was too much I needed to say. So I had to write an email instead. I was surprisingly at peace with myself when I wrote the email; but I was really focused on my feelings and (still) careful not to make him felt blamed.

And it was 3 days since I sent the email. No, there wasn’t any response from him. Even though when I sent out the email I knew I wouldn’t be expecting a reply, however now I can’t help wondering if he saw the email. How fickle.

As much as I need to break off all contacts, and I swear that it wasn’t never meant to manipulate him to respond, I really missed him a lot. I felt the no-contact was more for me to be alone and just be on my own. I knew how much I was hurt. And till today, I don’t know why a 9-weeks relationship could just throw me into the dumps so easily. Perhaps, I felt that I’ve been taken for a ride. But even so, shouldn’t I be “hating” him more than still hung up over him? The more I analysed, the more I feel the ache to let go.

Loving friends have been telling me that it’s not my fault. In fact, I knew that it wasn’t so much my problem to begin with even though it serves nothing more than a reminder. After all, I did whatever I could to try steering the relationship back to its healthy course. I tried different methods but he somewhat somehow just refused to engage. So frustrating…. And yet so hurtful.

An internal war is waging fiercely ever since the no-contact started. I’m trapped in between moving on or holding on. Somewhat I feel that if he shows a glimpse of remorse and sincerity to want to work things out, I will respond to it. But yet at the same time, I keep telling myself that it’s pointless to try anymore because he’s the problem and not realizing it himself. I don’t know what I should do, and sitting on the fence is so frustrating. Simply put, I hate being indecisive.

I’m resisting the urge to text him, to try to contact him. Even if I want to give in to that desire, I’m totally clueless to what to tell him without feeling upset. Knowing that I’m not in the “right frame of mind” yet, I knew I should not contact him. It’ll only make it worst.

I know I did okay...

today was my last day. before i did my exit clearance, i sent a farewell-thank-you email to people who i cared for. unfortunately, both the boss and her boss is not copied in them. surprisingly, my departure seemed sudden to some and they didn't know at all. naturally, they would ask the reason behind my decision to leave, and when i told them i wasn't given a choice, they paused, and then nodded thoughtfully with a sigh. somehow, people seemed to know what i meant. since it was a half-day today for the company, they left for CNY lunch and i left for good, they gave me comforting hugs, that almost brought tears to my eyes. well, my heart was surprisingly heavy when i left the building, little would i expect i would feel the same when i left UPS 5 years ago. little did i expect i was deeply attached to the people around me...

and the highlight of the morning was, a personal text message from another team's manager, telling me he genuinely felt that i was a good fit for the culture and was sorry to learn about my situation. and he would help me to link up to his headhunters if i'm willing. i thought that was really a sweet gesture, and yet humbled by his generosity. i was thinking, how he has put my own boss to shame. what a pity.

yes, everything happened for a reason. and i believe, God is protecting me from something which i may not want to be in, in the near future. i may not know, but i still choose to believe.

i miss them already. they're so much fun actually.

i'm glad to feel their reluctance, i'm glad to know they're aware i was somewhat the victim. i don't need them to do anything for me, but just knowing they're on my side, it's enough, more than enough. goes to show i did okay, and there's nothing wrong with me.

now, recapping if God gave me something better than the previous, definitely! i may have landed myself with a shitty boss again, but my colleagues are soooooooo fun-loving and the benefits are to die for! i had alot of fun working with them, and i was constantly showered with alot of quality free stuff! and i know i fitted that culture like a glove! just too bad for me.

so yeah, to an even better new job! hell, yeah!

Luck: how much should we believe in that?

when my mum learned about my current job situation, her 1st instinct was: you're really very suay, kept meeting these kind of bosses. as much as i didn't want to believe it was luck, i also couldn't helped but felt swayed by the superstition.

as Christians, we believe nothing is left for "luck". everything is predestined. the tribulations and challenges i faced, they're planned for. not by me of course. so if everything is already part of my journey that i'm taking, why is it still so hard to accept? And yet, if i would to blame it on luck, it would be easier? some colleagues of mine said, "it's just lack of fate". really, fate? it seems like we can blame on anything else that's possible, but except the fact where, "a challenge has been placed in your path for a good reason". maybe when anything is beyond perceived control, it could be fate or luck.

okay, i think i just lost myself.

fact is, i AM really lost.

suddenly, i just don't know where i should be heading or what i should be doing next. i lost my focus, and don't know what i'm pursuing nor what i want to be anymore. i don't really know how i can retrace my steps. my passion sort of fizzled during the midst and i've lost the motivation. it makes me wonder, if i had tried too hard to fit in to something which i don't truly belong. and if that has been the case, where should i be?

when i evaluated what truly speaks to my heart, a lot of things seemed lukewarm. in fact, i never truly felt passionate about something. i never had a favourite band (i like some good songs from some groups but never really a fan of a particular group), i don't really have a favourite color (my mood changes preferences), i don't have a favorite food (coz' as long as they're good and comforting, i like them) and many more non-favourites. perhaps, i was never really an extremist? therefore, everything was like, "so-so", "not bad", or "okay lor". and hence when it comes to choices in life, it naturally took on the half-baked attitude.

then again, when it comes to choosing a life partner, i don't seem to be that half-baked. i still strongly believe we shouldn't settle for 2nd-best. and when it's not the right one, no it's not okay. alright, so at least there's something i feel strongly about.

Choops and I just had this conversation earlier: why does it seem that we have difficulties staying in a job. and we seemed to be in the same shit right now. her boss is also a self-centered meanie, just takes care of his business, and his staff is none of his business. coincidence, or we're simply surrounded by mean bosses? to be fair, i've met really good ones, and truth be told, it's awfully hard to find bosses who care. maybe they also have their own agendas, but at least, their staffs were part of their agendas. maybe companies need to have staff turnovers as part of their KPIs like what my previous company did, so that will keep them in check for making employees leave.

anyway, i feel there's a need for me to know myself more. i've reached a stage that i don't think i want to push myself that hard, something which i don't wish to trade my health with, and even my weekends. i want them to be free for my family and church. i still want to climb up the corporate ladder, just that i don't mind if it takes longer than it supposed to. i've come to realize that going into my current company was not such a great idea after all. i was drawn by possible facade of its brand and controversies, and of coz', finally getting back into an MNC. yet, underlying was ugly, where they played petty politics, bosses who thought they're really good and competent considering they've "survived" over the years (doesn't equates to them equipping with proper people management skills). and simply all other things which i feel i'm really too jaded for workplace dramas and theatrics. and for once, in my 10 years of slavery, i lose sleep over work, and was actually stressed when Sunday night came. perpetually playing in head what i've yet to do, or what i've missed out. i wasn't motivated, i was just stressed out. for what, really. which is no wonder i was so mentally and emotionally drained. even the previous devil's den didn't caused me that much distress.

but of coz', none the wiser. i know this was a good lesson for me, and it helped me know myself a little bit better. and also, it does prove something even more: that i strive with the environment, not so much of the work. i may not hate the work i'm doing, but if i love the environment, it gives me a better reason to strive. i'm a people-person, so the (immediate) people around me that i work with and work for are very important to me. and finally, i come to realize that if i've no chemistry with the person i'm working for, i.e. my direct supervisor, it's just wasting time. i thought maybe trying to work harmoniously would be enough, but nope, it definitely needs more than that. i just need to find that out sooner...

yup, i believe my head's pretty much cleared up, my thoughts are finally flowing. phew. it was like jammed for the past 3 weeks.

and it's time to get back into the game. enough rantings. i'm even sick of hearing myself.