12 days of healing...

It’s about 12 days since I last heard from him.

The 1st 7 days was the worst. I needed to heal desperately. I was so disappointed, so angry, and so hurt, and when he changed his profile pic I had an immediate melt down. Actions like this, he’s really prompt.

Finally with all the praying, I calmed down and I felt that I need to clear the air. I thought whatsapp would be a good idea, but I realized that there was too much I needed to say. So I had to write an email instead. I was surprisingly at peace with myself when I wrote the email; but I was really focused on my feelings and (still) careful not to make him felt blamed.

And it was 3 days since I sent the email. No, there wasn’t any response from him. Even though when I sent out the email I knew I wouldn’t be expecting a reply, however now I can’t help wondering if he saw the email. How fickle.

As much as I need to break off all contacts, and I swear that it wasn’t never meant to manipulate him to respond, I really missed him a lot. I felt the no-contact was more for me to be alone and just be on my own. I knew how much I was hurt. And till today, I don’t know why a 9-weeks relationship could just throw me into the dumps so easily. Perhaps, I felt that I’ve been taken for a ride. But even so, shouldn’t I be “hating” him more than still hung up over him? The more I analysed, the more I feel the ache to let go.

Loving friends have been telling me that it’s not my fault. In fact, I knew that it wasn’t so much my problem to begin with even though it serves nothing more than a reminder. After all, I did whatever I could to try steering the relationship back to its healthy course. I tried different methods but he somewhat somehow just refused to engage. So frustrating…. And yet so hurtful.

An internal war is waging fiercely ever since the no-contact started. I’m trapped in between moving on or holding on. Somewhat I feel that if he shows a glimpse of remorse and sincerity to want to work things out, I will respond to it. But yet at the same time, I keep telling myself that it’s pointless to try anymore because he’s the problem and not realizing it himself. I don’t know what I should do, and sitting on the fence is so frustrating. Simply put, I hate being indecisive.

I’m resisting the urge to text him, to try to contact him. Even if I want to give in to that desire, I’m totally clueless to what to tell him without feeling upset. Knowing that I’m not in the “right frame of mind” yet, I knew I should not contact him. It’ll only make it worst.