colleagues

colleagues plays an important part in a working environment. if there's a sucky boss, at least there're good colleagues worth hanging onto the job. but what happens when supposedly good colleagues became fair-field ones?

my company is slowly expanding. new colleagues are usually based on referrals on either one of us. so recently came onboard was naturally one of my colleagues' friends. they're all of the same or similar age group. suddenly, i felt really young and ignorant. i just couldn't fit in....

perhaps i'm being oversensitive but sometimes, it didn't seem to be that way.

for their age group, they look at things with a high-class brand tag to it. and best still, diamonds are their best friends! maybe when i'm their age, i would start to appreciate such things. but for now, when they go goo-goo-gaa-gaa over stones, i would stand one side and appreciate the brillance of the stones and the design with total no clue what the hell is princess cuts, solitaire cut blah blah blah. while i was dreaming one day would i have the chance to be the designer of the accessories, they would be dreaming when would be the day they be owner for that accessory.

poor me.

for now, i see it as silence would be the best tools. they talk, i'll just keep quiet and observed. no intentions to participate in their group talk which i may or may not know what's going on. furthermore, i don't see a point for them to come to my level since i'm not an interesting girl to be fussed at in the 1st place.

as the team will eventually become bigger, i could more or less see where i'll be. for now, before 2 more ppl will be joining us, i could only speculate.

and i know my speculations will be for real.... =/

MERRY X'MAS!

i agree that this is the best time of the year. i love gift exchanging, i love the get-together sessions, and i love the moment when we countdown to this very day with everyone in the world celebrating and rejoicing. soon, it will be a new year - with new dreams, new hopes and new plans. to me, it just give me an excuse to put down the grievances i had in the past year and look forward to a "new beginning", to start everything afresh.

and i want to start everything afresh....

being observed

i suddenly felt very small. i felt that i'm being observed and scrutinized quietly by someone i'm not closed at all.

no, she don't mean anything. she's just relating what she has observed about me. and she's hitting her 30s this coming year and been through quite alot, i guess. so whatever she told me sounds like a big sister teaching her kiddo sister. despite that she meant well, i felt insecure.

she admitted to me that she's a straightforward person and would be forthcoming about almost anything. so most of the time, she would offend her surrounding friends.

i didn't like to have my weakness being caught off-guard. or perhaps, not so much of a weakness but is more of something i didn't felt too proud of. she suddenly popped out a direct question, "you don't really mix around, right?" shocked and felt exposed, but i didn't see a need to deny about that. curious, i questioned back, "what makes you think that way?" "well, you don't seem to talk about your friends but just more of your life and your boyfriend... that's how i figure it out."

shudder.

i felt pathetic. and perhaps abit embarassed, even though there's nothing to be ashamed about. but i just didn't feel very comfortable.

yes, i admit that she's quite observant. and i feel quite insecure when i'm with her. somehow, she made me just wanna shut up and listen to prevent myself from exposing myself further....

also, conversations with her made me feel like i'm still a kid. aiyoo.... i didn't like being teached, this way. on the other hand, i feel that there's alot of things in life i can learn from her. she has definitely more insights than me, and i can say that she's a close-to-perfect person to approach when it comes to heading certain directions for my future.

but before i get too close with her, i have to be mentally prepared of her unintentioned sharp remarks. still, her constructive feedbacks will do me good in a long run.... perhaps, that's the only way i can tune myself to listen to her. HA!

much calmed...

the warm and soothing water pelted down my naked body and it felt so good, so comforting. something i had appreciated after a long day at work. after having to deal with the ups and downs, having a good bath would be the top priority when i'm home.

reluctantly, i turned off the heater and slipped into my home-clothes. finally, i felt much better. no, i'm no longer as blue than earlier; no, i'm not feeling that down anymore. perhaps, a good shower helped me come to my senses and not being silly in dwelling in my miseries.

soon, a good sleep would be all it takes to make me focus better at work and make my day worth. i shall pray my recuperation would be undisturbed and peaceful.

perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

perhaps it's a Monday, therefore i'm feeling blue...
perhaps i'm broke, that's why i'm blue...
perhaps i may have lose focus, which results me getting blue...
perhaps i've permanently lost my distraction, which explains why i'm blue...
perhaps i'm sick and tired of my career, it may be a possibility why i'm blue...
perhaps i'm getting no motivation, may strictly defines i'm blue...
perhaps i didnt get enough sleep last night, might leads to my being blue...

it shouldnt feel this way... in fact, i should be glad that i've finally come to a new month where i can start afresh and not bothering about what i didnt achieve last month. after all, i can't do much now other than strive ahead.

i just wanna scream.

i've broken down...

i still vaguely rmbr the reason the last time i broke down, related to work. and after switching jobs, i thought i might not be going through anything similar anymore. after all, i feel much better about my current job than the previous one. but then again, i still end up in tears.

thank goodness i let it all out, got over and done with it. it may not be very healthy but it felt so much better after that. i guess as much as i chose to bottle my emotions and vent it out in other ways than crying, i don't really face much of a choice. it just came, and i somehow let it out without control. in fact, i can't really control as much as i want to. ha...

i can't really go into details, coz' the last thing i want is my bosses coincidentally tripped upon this blog...

i still love my job despite what had happened. i seriously enjoys what i'm doing, no doubt! however there's always some inevitable flaws in everything and anything that makes it imperfect. but hell, i try not to make those "flaws" eat into me... trying hard to get use to it. or i should really get used to it.

i've never given up trying to make my mark there and i have goals for myself to achieve along the way. and i think i'm getting abit impatient already. if by certain time of the year and i'm still struggling like a novice, i think it's time to go. or maybe i will still persevere... i don't know. just see how things will go...

at the meantime, i need retail therapy... real soon...

it doesn't pay to be compassionate

i've learn my lessons the hard way. efforts of being nice would only end up taken advantaged of. i have had enough. in order to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, i need to be really vigilent and merciless. no one will be there for you when you cry, nobody will sympathize you when you fall, no such person will empathize your situation. what they will do is to mock at you, fill you in with sarcasm and curt. to them, these are what you deserve in order to wake you up from your fucking idea of "if you be nice to others, others will be nice to you". what's more to a stranger that i barely know after a few minutes of interaction over the phone.

if my bf wasn't there for me to rant, i would probably get a dartboard with the pic of my boss's face on it.

no, i won't let myself crumble from such a small setback. i need to face reality and move on. fuck care the bosses, fuck care what went wrong. just cont'd to work on my cases and hit the figures. after all, that what's most important. they see money rolling into their pocket and not whether your conscience has been challenged.

sad.

and i need shopping....

i just have to let the steam out!

it just gets on my nerves when my bosses requested too much from me. ya, blame it on my poor coordination skills or my disorganization. bleah! but does that mean it requires constant reprimandings meh?

they just keep pushing me to keep calling and calling and calling. when i get too much orders and it's getting out of hand, they STILL want me to get more orders. fuck lo! i havent even got the time to do proper search on the resumes and they jux wanted me to get more orders. and when they realize that my orders are getting out of hand and not much resumes sent out, they started to comment that i should concentrate on searching for the candidates.

i so hate it when i'm working on my orders, they keep pushing me to telemarket. it's like, "har?! i got so many orders and i don't even have enough time to place in suitable candidates, yet you still want me to get MORE orders?!" i only have 8 working hours a day (excluding an hour of lunchtime), with 2 hours a day on telemarketing, plus an hour each in the morning and evening that we have to avoid calling coz' the person-in-charge is either clearing the shit for the day before or clearing up to go home, which left only approx. of 4 hours a day to screen resumes, call them up, do up their resumes and send them over PLUS following up with the clients. it will normally takes me about 1 to 2 hours a day to screen and call up the respective candidates. BUT, all these excludes leftover shits to clear from the day before. WAH LAU!

maybe i should search my conscience that i'm disorganized. maybe i should start to make myself known that i'm not too adverse in my multi-tasking. so!?!?! big deal!

sometimes when i know i'm getting out-of-hand till i sit in the office and not knowing where to start, i literally write the tasks to complete in my notebook. upon completion, i will tick them off. sometimes the WHOLE day, i can't even complete the tasks i'm suppose to complete WITHIN a day. crap!

so, am i suppose to stay overtime when i'm not even paid for it? am i suppose to camp overnight in the office in order to get work done? or i should start to sacrifice my after-office relaxation and bring work home? eh, i got a life here!! even if it's just to throw my unfinished work to go home and rest early, i will do that. no way am i going to bring work home....

yeah, take it as a normal day-to-day rantings but if i don't let it out, i'll probably develop a mental disorder.

who's to blame?

when the PC crashes, the 1st reaction people will give is to point fingers. it's natural and understandable. but at the end of the day, shouldn't the owner of the Com takes ownership and shoulder the blame for his negligence?

like myself, when anything goes wrong with my PC, i would definitely need to check who's the last user and what he/she did to it. be it purely surfing online, downloading unsafed online games or installing any softwares/hardwares, there is always a need to get to the bottom of the matter. whether it may or may not solve the problem, at least we have a rough idea what went wrong. however, it's too late to point fingers especially when hard disk crashes.

my pictures i wanted are gone and far from been rescued. i'm utterly upset coz' this could have been prevented.

i believe in taking precautions at all times, especially when you're talking about old systems. even if it takes to invest in another external hardware to backup those precious files, i would simply do that. it is just not worth to rely on that cranky hardware and would only end up in tears if anything goes horribly wrong.

like now.

there're just so much, so much angst in me when no one heed my advice. everything is out of goodwill. if things go wrong, it won't affect me if it doesnt concern me. now, it's different.

it's useless saying so much. just stop, stop finding excuses...

Back to reality...

for the past 2 days of my chalet, i am living in my dreams. a wonderful dream. a dream where there're only my bf and me, and my close knit friends. when i checked out this morning, my bf drove me home, i knew it's time to wake up.

i wouldn't say i have alot of fun during the event. neither would i say i didn't enjoy myself. this whole bday event was a quiet and simple one. i don't know whether i have celebrated, but i can say i'm honoured to have the company of my friends.

i can't really say that my group of friends are scattered, coz' they came and left at different timings. however, they seemed to know each other from my diary-x. introductions were made easy since diary-x was the hub for the "friendster-links".

i felt the warmth and the love of my friends. they made the event all so worthwhile. i knew i didnt make the wrong choice when i chose to only invite close friends and refrained from inviting too many.

i guess i know why i did not feel that this event is my bday event than a friend gathering thinggie. coz' i didnt get to cut my bday cake. even though one of my friends bought me one, but i wasn't able to grasp a good timing to gather all of them all at once. so, the cake was left as it was when i first received it and was given to my bf to share with his family at the end of the chalet. suddenly, the meaning of my chalet vanished....

actually, if my girlfriends hadn't bought the cake, i would still be alright coz' i wanted much to gather my friends than to arrange a cut-the-cake ceremony. the awkward feeling came when i checked out this morning, seeing the cake untouched and the meaning of the cake still left sacred.

maybe, a birthday isn't a birthday without having friends to sing you a bday song, make a wish and blow out the candles, wishing your wish come true. i may not be that traditional anymore but some traditions should still be honoured.

i'm not complaining or being whiny. just that if i've followed the "tradition", it would have made a perfect ending to my event - my bday.

after all, it's not any other bday i'm having. it's my 21st. a mark to my 1st step entering a new stage in life - my adulthood.

today is my Chalet day...

after i have confirmed the bookings, i was very much looking forward to the event. at that point in time, i would still need to concentrate on "reality" for 6 to 8 weeks more before the real day comes, so i somehow conveniently forgotten how fast did time flies. i guess it's a common sight especially to people like me, totally preoccupied with work than to countdown to this very day.

i'm feeling really excited. but i don't know what to prepare other than my clothes. ha! coz' almost everything has been taken care by my boyfriend and his mum. it's very sweet of them to take my concerns into theirs, ending up i don't really have to worry about anything else but just to enjoy my day. =D

i don't have exact plans to spend my "holidays"- 3 days 2 nights. and the 1st night would be today, and it's the invitations day. as for tomorrow, think i will leave it up to tomorrow to decide. kekekeke....

Excited!!

My best friend, Min, just had her 21st birthday celebrations on the 2nd of Oct. Still vaguely remembered how we 1st met. Hmm... She was my classmate back then in Secondary 1 and have been till then. =)

Well, hers was not so much of a celebration. She "celebrated" her 21st with her family and her boyfriend, Don. and that's pretty much it. i guess it's pretty much "her" to have a quiet and simple one. as for me, i would rather take my birthday to another level and celebrate it with my closest friends, making it significant to me. at least, it would be worth remembering one fine day.

i'm pretty much broke and i have my chalet gathering on the 21st to the 23rd of this month. looks like i'll be dry at the end of the whole event. sigh... but i still have my trusty boyfriend to rely on... kekeke... Hey! that's what boyfriends are for too aye??

i'm really anticipating for the gathering to come. i am also able to anticipate what will happen to me.... probably drunk, sunburnt, tired, dirty, smelly, messy, whatever, blah blah blah.... bleah!

i'm turning 21 soon... Gosh, i'm a big girl now.... NOT!

for the girls who felt guilty...

why even think that way?

i'm pretty speechless at one point in time that there is an entry "dedicated" to me. i had to read a few more times before you managed to drive the message, "hey, i'm talking to you!" LOL. actually, the "steambath" caught my attention.

i can't describe how i felt now. whatever you said warmed my heart, and i felt so surprised, happy, thrilled, blah blah blah. basically, everything is so mixed up.

of coz' i miss my cutesy-pie and my pretty Flower. understand that you girls are really stressed up over work in the office, bf and not-exactly-a-r'ship matters to brood over, and also now, studies to kill your brain cells, therefore i didn't really thought to bother about my problems. i mean, it didn't really occur to me to verbally tell you guyz coz' if i'm upset, i would most likely expressed them over blogging. at least, i thought in that way, despite us being occupied with our own matters, all of us will be aware what's going on. after all, i'm still much more expressive over the keyboard.

i'm pretty much looking forward to our all-girls' outing, be it clubbing, chilling, bitching or organizing a slumber party. and yes, not forgetting our Kinder Surprise! (Note: i seem to be opening the same surprise everytime!! and it's getting quite irritating....)

it's funny to read that you missed my lame jokes! wahahaha... that's something really surprising. but ya, i miss "laming" you as well. kekekekeke....

anyway, i'm pretty much fine already. guess when bf and work probs just came barging into my life at once, i can't exactly handle it too well. so, i ended up feeling foolish and guilty as well. =/

well, i'm waiting for one of u girls to come and message me to come out and chill. i don't mind clubbing... kekekeke... then, i can take my time to tell you the whole story you girls wanna hear.


PS. Subjected to schedule availability. Please book me in advance. Your cooperation is very much appreciated. And stop rolling your eyes. My entry can feel it.

hiak hiak hiak....

i can't describe how i feel now... everything is welled in me, ready to explode anytime. it's horrible, and i felt so much like breaking down.

ever since the nasty msges exchanged last evening, i nearly couldn't sleep the whole night. my mind wouldn't let it go.

even this morning, i didn't feel any much better. he only msged me a "good night" at nearly 5 am and i didn't hear anything else 'till 5 minutes ago where he dropped me, "good night. miss u.".

that seems to be the final straw.

i'm being compromised

Mambo in Zouk sucks.

it has went downhilled for quite some time and the management finally decided to go for a new look, a new concept maybe. so the whole upcoming reno will take about a month or so. thinking of such a short period of time, i'm seriously wondering how different will it be then.

however, that's not the point.

i seriously don't know what's so attractive of the current Zouk. the DJ spins a mix of unrecognized top 40s and retros. it isn't like the old Zouk where the DJ spins splendid collections of retro they once did. in addition, gentlemen have to pay a cover charge for sucky music now.

because of clubbing, it didnt occur to him to make it up for failed-attempts in the past few days for today. since when have i become so unimportant?

yes of course! this was preplanned since last week and i knew nuts about it (or perhaps i didnt remember). that would include the shopping on that past Monday with his friends while i had to be force to rest at home which i didnt want to. and the bad weather on Monday too, added up to not-able-to-meet-me. fair enough. i conceit defeat.

unfortunately, his great-great-grandmother passed away on Tuesday and i'm not complaining about that.

and ta-da! he's booking in tomorrow and i haven't even got the EQUAL chance than his friends to meet up with him! why don't i be his friends than his girlfriend? i'll be more honoured to have him spending time with me!

he did come down to look for me but i chose to make things difficult for him. i'm touched but i didn't wanna see him. for what? since he wouldn't be making it up for me today, i felt i didn't need the "pop by". i deserve more than that.

he may have the intentions to skip clubbing today but that was after he knew i was upset, which is something totally not out of initiative from the failed attempts and it would only make me feel bad. in fact, why have to wait till my face turned black then he just only suggested that he should change his plans? that is something which i don't consider it as SINCERITY.

seriously, how could he? how could he thought of proceeding with his plans when he knew i am upset about the past few days?

i'm so, so disappointed.

i'm unwell

after forging so hard for the past week, i felt so imbalanced. i should be happy that i clinged deals so quickly in the beginning of this month. instead, i cant believe i'm so nonchalent about it. i know it's a good headstart but a voice keeps tell me, "big deal..."

i need some encouragement, i need some pats on my back, i need some comfort and not a probing headache. i desperately wanna buy something to reward myself, but i cant help feeling so broke.

fuck.

all it takes was determination...

i was focus since the beginning of the week and now, i'm quite proud of my little accomplishment. despite being far from what was laid before me, i'm amazed that i'm still striving.

like what they say, "just stay focus and aim at your goal. charge at all costs and you'll get it!"

wow.

however, i'm starting to feel fatigue. a little depressed as i'm quite tired from all the battles i've fought in the day, and i don't really get to relax and destress when i knock off. in addition, the slow depletion of my bank account is weighing down on me... it is only the 2nd week of September and i'm already facing financial crisis. i'm ashamed.

well, i'm striving and will hit my sales target this month. for the sake of MORE money to pamper myself. it has been a real LOOOOOOONG time since i've slapped down more than 200 bucks from my earnings just for shopping.

yeap, very deprived of girlie's stuff - shopping.

RE: Hello.

didn't know you would read here. hee. well, u commented about that entry and me too, surprised. coz' i thought it was just like "any other entry" and was really unexpected.

i kinda feel xianglong is quite weird. i mean, since the day he met you, he should be well-aware of your lifestyle and character too. yet, he would put it as "a gap" and he couldnt accept the way you lead your life. to me, it's like, "what the fuck you talking?!"

i believe guyz of your age seriously needs to grow up. saying such things are just not acceptable, and totally irresponsible! but then again, what can you really do when he throw such things at you? if i'm you, i would probably scold the fuck out of him.

i don't know about you, but i'm quite sick of the whole dating game. furthermore, i had a 3-year long r'ship before your brother so i practically know what i'm looking for. if you want me to start another r'ship from scratch, i would rather be a nun.

and anyways, hope you're not offended by what i posted earlier. like i said in the last para of that post, it's purely based on my observation so it would hardly be true. coz' after all, i'm not you and who am i to judge who you are, right?

i won't nag coz' i'm not your mother, i won't discipline coz' i'm not your father. perhaps the best i could do is just keep a watchful eye on you and be here when you need me. all you need to do is - asked.

you're a big girl now and i believe you can handle your life well. it's only you will know what you really want. i guess the last thing i would see from you is crying hysterically, stomping your feet and demanding at the top of your voice for a lollipop. haha.

one of my colleague, E, is filing for a divorce again. this time round, she was taking it so much better than the previous time. i could almost feel her sense of relieve and happiness. perhaps, this time round, things finally came to light.

i couldnt understand why would such bastard exist in this world. seriously, he ought to have a taste of his retribution. i never agree that a "forced" marriage would be the valid reason for treating his wife this way. all just becoz' she got pregnant and he had to marry her. since, he should be responsible!

i'm glad for her. she has finally found freedom and it is like a breakthrough from all the emotionally tormenting period, proudly given by her estranged husband.

all of her close friends, which includes me, anticipating his downfall....

a fliRt? or she is just not ready?

being with her brother for 8 mths, i've seen her in and out of r'ship for 3 months. initially, i was still ok till i kinda lost touch of what really happened. sometimes i wonder what is she thinking...

to me, i portray her as someone quite attractive. she may not make heads turn but at least people would linger their eyes on her that few seconds more. i would say she carries herself pretty well for an 18 year old girl.

a moment she's attached, a few weeks down the road, she posted that she's lonely again.

from what i saw of her, she's that kind of girl who hugs high expectation of her partners. she would go into the r'ship after being swooned over, and when found out that the guy would not be able to fit into her pants, she backed out completely. i feel it's quite irresponsible. in addition, she seems to be expecting the guy to be constantly there for her to lean on, that would shower her unconditional love, be tolerant of her rantings, demands and her bad temper. i'm not surprise if she would dominate him....

of coz, what i've stated is pretty untrue. after all, that's what i see and it's purely based on my observations. i guess i should be more like her bro, "get used to it". furthermore, what business of mine is it anyway? hahaha...

i'm stuck in my thoughts

i suddenly realized that i'm quite easily swayed by good words. no, i don't mean being complimented or praised. just words that sound pleasant to the ear.

my manager spoke to me yesterday and she shared with me her plans. i guess i felt appreciated for the efforts i've put in for the past 4 months. her plans includes having to "promote" me to a higher level, which means higher responsibilities. i don't shun but accept higher challenges. however, it depended on my loyalty to her.

i didn't pledged anything. just that i started to reconsider my plans of continuing studies.

getting a degree has been my objective since secondary school days. plus having a degree-holding brother, i am quite being "forced" to excel as far or better than him. of coz, i am financially restricted. i need to find ways to raise funds for myself in order to attain my objectives.

in addition, this job may be stressful at times, but it's a job which i do not mind carrying on for at least when better offers comes by my way a few years later. and it'll take a few years before i would really be stable and the income would start pouring in in higher amount. if i'm to take that offer, i would to give up my studies.

studies, to me, is something that "you do it now, or just forget it". when i get any older, i have much more other practical plans than studies already. coz' i believe it will come to a stage where studies is not that important anymore. but as for now, i want to excel further since right now, i can't really depend on my experience to get another higher paying jobs.

so what should i do? to cont'd studying or not? which is more impt - academic qualifications or hands-on working experience?

if only growing up is being made easier....

i've been misunderstood

i'm a person who speaks frankly to things that i feel strong about. to me, i'm plainly stating the fact across and it's either you accept it or you simply don't. i seemed worked up, but i'm really alright when the topic is changed.

i know i tend to not choose my words when i talked. i know when i'm frank, i'm really am. i know i have failed to be tactful.

humans are weird. when i have suggested solutions to their problem, they would just shrugged and said it didnt matter that much. and yet the problem just seems to get into them, so they would cont'd complaining to me. when i reminded them the solutions, they would still shrugged and avoided it. for the god-knows-how-many-times they still come and complain, i will shoot my mouth off and telling them they deserve it since they just simply chose the easy way out to avoid it. then i got slapped verbally that i'm just not tactful. "it's the way you put it..." they always state.

i just hate it when people choose to turn a deaf ear to me. if they didnt wanna listen to any suggestions, say so. i will just keep my bloody mouth shut. if not, when i have done my part to help several times and yet still choose to complain, i CANNOT stand it. to me, i will put across the fact that they refuses to LISTEN and so they didnt have the right to complain ('coz i simply don't wanna hear the same stories repeated endlessly). i know the fact sounds awful but if i'm wrong, by all means disagree with me. we can engage in a lifetime argument for a good cause.

i know i hate hearing the fact as well but at least it will set me thinking about my wrong.

this is just me. accept it or just fuck it. i don't need anyone to not understand me and then punish me for being me.

Missing the ol' school days...

i'm out in the cruel society and have slogged my guts out for more than a year. i'm still a greenhorn and lots to learn. yet i'm so not keen. as the saying goes, "the grass is greener on the other side" always rings in my head to snap myself awake. irony.

to me, studying full-time is a blessing in a very good disguise. to top it up, i juggled a part-time work as well for extra income. how i reminise those days where i could just shopped myself some new clothes and not having to feel guilty. after all, that's what extra income for isn't it? heh!

if only life would still be that simple, where all i need is to work a little harder and i'll get to have more money on top of what my parents are giving me. and where you get spoilt brats like Paris Hilton to just party all night long without having to stop a millisecond to think that money-no-enough. Or even having an empire of wealth that would last more than 3 generations....

sigh... some people just have the destined fate to enjoy... while the others slog without having to understand what we live for...


a piece of advice: enjoy life to the fullest, while you're young... coz' you have a whole life to work. =)


it's time to wake up! argh!

mission impossible: meeting the folks

been there, done that. so let's not harp on my side of "meeting the folks". what i would say is i have kinda successfully earned acceptance from his side of family.

seriously, what's wrong about my parents? even though they're not on good terms, they don't communicate even though they stay together nor would they start an argument anymore, neither of them would really show hostility to my peers. in fact, they care less about who i mixed around unless they don't seem presentable. in fact, that has never happen before.

so what's the big hoo-haa about meeting them? why even cower at the thought? not as if he hasn't done so before with his previous partner, how big a difference would it make?

okay, perhaps i do admit that my family and her family scenario would be quite different. she's an only child whereas i have 3 older siblings with me. he's same age as me and would seem pretty much "junior" compared himself having to be the oldest in his family. but doesn't everyone has their "first time" in everything, anything??

i have chosen better situations for him, where only my mum or dad would be around, and yet he could reject my offer thoroughly. even when there isn't anyone at home, he still wouldn't risk it having any of my family members catching him at my place. not as if any of them would catch us hanky-pankying, it's just a pure and innocent invitation over to my place and wait for me to get ready before heading out together. it definitely beats having him to wait at my void deck for me to get ready, and ending up having him to whine that i took too long. i didn't know men could be so "women" sometimes.

i'm so pissed off and so goddamn disappointed in him. my previous boyfriend faced the same situation and now him. i'm wondering is it coz' that they are the oldest in the family, they are not used to face older whoever? oh c'mon! it's a matter of time isn't it?!

cowards!!

i was reading my older posts and when i came to my "nolstalgic" entry, it suddenly struck me to check of the date today - 23rd Jul. i couldn't believe that i had overlooked 19th Jul effortlessly. i'm awed. hahaha.

well, 19th Jul is my ex's birthday. like i've said before, we had plans to celebrate each other's 21st birthday. however, we've broken up a year ago and i still missed him somehow. and previously, my heart aches when i thought of it. right now, i have actually crossed that day without even thinking about it.

i'm glad i haven't thought much of it after that emotional entry. in fact, i crossed everday sub-conciously, basically doing the things i need to do. perhaps that's why i didnt realise it.

i guess i'm pretty over "that date". 'coz right now, i'm feeling pretty neutral. that's a good sign of course! so ya... *sigh*

Too "kay-poh" for my own good

i'm a devout non-smoker and my boyfriend ain't. our interest clashes but not too serious. however, it came to a day he wanted me to help solemnise him to be what i am. so very well, i helped.

we kept all our deals and agreements light-hearted. i didn't want to create unnecessary pressure that might backfire. so he did manage to cut down a lot. we're talking about ten-over sticks a day to about ten-over sticks a week. but our agreement is all about quiting and not cutting down. of course, we have to start somewhere isn't it? and i must say, his improvement is tremendous! this i have got to admit.

right now, he couldnt get rid of the "few sticks" a day. he is apologetic but he couldnt say he's sorry about what he has done. because, he knew he's not able to let go. so what am i s'pose to do right now?

i'm utterly disappointed. what disappoints me more is initially, i did not even push him to quit. he was the one who request to help him and as a girlfriend and concerned about his health, i happily agreed.

if i am to harp on this fact, it'll definitely make me more miserable. i chose to give up. yet, i'm not able to swallow the disappointment.

teach me how to let go.... of the disappointment.

i mind about how i look

appearance is important to me. it is as important as having regular meals everyday. it's not easy trying to maintain to look good for someone who has a skinny frame like me. it is already a blessing if my friends don't start commenting that i looked malnutritioned.

i stand 1.68m and weigh a mere 43kg. that's how pathetic i really am. but then again, i just couldnt put on the ounces. maybe it's my metabolism, or maybe there're tapeworms in me. i don't know. till now, i havent have the time, energy and the cash to go for a proper check up.

recently, just a concern from friends shook me up. "you looked really dried-up." how awful can that sound.

ironically, i'm eating well and still a hell lot. yet, i couldnt hear comments that i seemed to have put on weight. or perhaps, it is never once obvious. *LOL*

i will never consider additional supplements like weight-gainer. im still in favour to healthy diet and all. i know it's time for a good check-up... "when", would be the question.

amazed by myself

it is quite amazing to able to discover more about myself when i'm working. i guess this would be one of the rare times where i needn't to hear from a 3rd party what kind of person i am when it comes to working. and unfortunately, this discovery did brought me some shame.

finally, i have came to my senses that i'm not an independent worker. i need external factors to get me moving, motivated in order to produce favorable results. sad to say, it's only the presence of higher authority pushed me to my limits and perhaps, way past it. in a result, i felt the sense of achievement when i managed to accomplish certain things to show my efficiency. however, on the other hand, i have clearly shown my reliance.

well, let's not dwell into the negative aspect. i'm proud of myself, for today. period.

Restrictions

what is my boss thinking when she decided to tighten her reins on us? is that something humane? to her, she feels that we have abused our freedom to blog-stalk but little did she realise we're basically relieving stress and giving ourselves a short distraction from work.

looks like our "comfort zone" is not too much comfy anymore.

the grass is always greener on the other side

i went clubbing at Club MoMo yesterday. my boyfriend's younger sister was with me. clubbing with her was quite a new experience. perhaps, the feeling was trapped between being an older sister-figure and a friend. after all, i'm an outsider. i can't really interfere with whatever she's doing but i need to look after her as well. at least, that's a mutual agreement between her mother and me.

when i saw her flirt, dance and enjoyed herself to the max in her carefree spirit, i was so envious and a tint of jealousy. suddenly i wished i was like her - single. no doubt i love having my boyfriend around when i club, i also wished i could flirt around too.

suddenly, i missed those days when i was single, nursing a broken heart 6 months ago. i could still taste the sweetness of freedom after a long 3 years relationship.

nonetheless, i've chosen to get myself attached, to have someone who i could lean on emotionally at the end of a torturous day at work. well, i gain some and lose some. i should count my blessings to find such a wonderful and supportive guy.

i guess, that's the only way to think to make up for the "loss of freedom". and only thinking that way could make me feel better.

women - self-denial.

what wrong is there?

why do guyz have to read things, especially girl's blog, so superficially? i was being sentimental. you mean, being sentimental or nolstagic is something that taboo? like what i've stated in the "nostalgic" entry, "blame it on me being sentimental for the wrong matters". hellO! i don't state there for nothing ya'know...

or perhaps, it's a wrong move to get my boyfriend to even read the entries i've posted. with only-expressive-on-the-keyboard writers like me will bitch and state down almost everything and anything - from the most nonsensical rubbish to the most heartfelt entries. apparently, he just can't take it.

too bad.

an oversight

when a person feels down, bad things somehow would make their way in. i will start to wonder are all these preplanned, carelessness or basically fated to happen.

i don't wish to elaborate about the problem cases im going through right now. all i can say i'm at my wits' end and my sales are affected. i have no freaking idea how my manager is going to deduct my sales for that month since she had already paid me my well-deserved commission.

i know it's my oversight and i have finally learnt my lessons the hard way. i'm already depressed enough about my miserable pay and now these stupid cases have to fly across the continent and splat flat on my face. they added kerosene to fire, dumping salt to gap wound, having an in-grown toenail. that's how irritating, how painful, how frustating it is.

so no one can blame me for having a brought-forward menopause...

nostalgic

when old feelings come rushing back, what will i do? or what can i do? i'm only being human to have feelings.

some once-thought-to-be-a-special-occasion is drawing nearer. someone who was supposedly to be really special is going to celebrate the occasion with someone else, whom i regretted deeply it wasn't me. it's not my time now. the baton has passed on to someone else, who's rated to be much more eligible. i was once seethingly jealous. right now, i'm just feeling disappointed with my incapabilities and folly back then.

it has been a year.

when will i stop feeling this way? when will i stop looking back? when will i stop reprimanding myself for the past?

i am happy of where i am. up-above has given me a new hope, a new life to look forward to. however, juz blame me for being sentimental for the wrong matters.

about him...

gotten some negative feedbacks about my boyfriend. of course, it's not pleasing to know but yet, i felt ashamed to be oblivious to his actions. maybe i don't get to see it coming from him. after all, he always puts me forth. or perhaps, i'm not too much of a taker so i don't get to sense he's being self-centred or anything.

nonetheless, i appreciated my friend's comments. at least she puts it subtly to me, which i understood where she is coming from.

i know he gotta change for the better... and i'm wondering how to help when i don't really catch him...

i wouldnt say this blog is not user-friendly but simply not used to it. my secret blog in diary-x is pretty much straight-forward and also, everything has to be done myself. from the basic skin, to comments posting, to tagboard and navigation links, i have to source my own. on top of tht, i have to figure out all the codes in order to get the whole diary up and ready for posting. it is tedious but there was a sense of satisfaction.

whatever...

1st day

i know i must be weird or something... creating a 3rd blog... but hell...

maybe i'll keep this blog for sometime... or perhaps a couple more months and u'll see me deleting this... hmm... i dunno...