no matter what i do, eventually i'll still come up with this topic. it's like super sad case for me lor. and it's so demoralizing, especially when i get to see other people enjoying their lives without having to account to anything else other than self.
what i claim my life to be: salted veggie life.
when i've reached the "ideal" age to work, i worked for extra income to pay for my HP bills. otherwise, i'll have no HP. on top of that, my dad won't sponsor my books, so my extra income goes to buying my texts. and then, i bought Fuji. of coz, that's part of my responsibility too. no matter how much i earn, my money is still accounted to something i don't want to pay. how i wished i still have my parents to pay for me.... the only memorable times which i could club my money away was when i first started out as a full-time working professional and i only needed to pay for my HP bills. the best part was i still had spare cash on hand at the end of every month... however, it was obviously shortlived.
maybe at that point in time, i thought of my future too soon. i didn't want to have my future family would be ANY similar to my current ordeal, where even cont'd studying is such a huge financial decision that have to reconsider options. so i ended signing up insurance and savings plan to insure myself and the future... and then slowly more and more bills turned up my way.
so, i'm not wrong when i said i grew up too fast. faster than my age should be.
i cant help having my eyes turned green with envy when i get to witness people more fortunate than me. i felt that they're a bunch of losers coz' they made me feel loserish. ha~!
life is just so unfair.... coz' i have to feel older than i should. *groan* i should meet people older than me, prolly in their late twenties to early thirties so i won't feel that bad. at least, we can talk at the same level. HA!
okay, i'm having mood swings coz' it's Red Day. and most importantly, pay increment is no difference from having no pay increment where i'm still left with meagre income. i cannot even shop when i planned to! do you know how disappointing that is?! i was so looking forward to it some more.... it's till there're so many unexpected expenses came along... so uncalled for. sigh... and i have no more spare cash to shop.... sobx!
now u know y i feel loserish to people who has to money to spend all they want. SOBX!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Colorgenics
i believe some of you out there has actually did this color test before. basically, it explains your feeling at the point in time, only using colors. different situation will differ the answers.
its nice once in a while to understand my feelings better... =D
Your Complete Personal Profile
You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.
You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm understanding.
You are trying to break away from the mundane existence that you have been experiencing of late. You have many high hopes and ideals but you are concerned whether circumstances will allow you to realise these ambitions. You want to spread your wings - to broaden your fields of activities - but you are concerned that your dreams are just that - 'dreams' which are not realistic. It concerns you that you are not thinking clearly at this time - what you need is to get away from it all, to give you time to think. A short vacation could well restore your confidence.
From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.
You are fed up with other people trying to influence you and you also feel that it is necessary to protect yourself from the threat that your independence and freedom may be restricted. You would just like to be left alone.
http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm
its nice once in a while to understand my feelings better... =D
Your Complete Personal Profile
You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.
You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm understanding.
You are trying to break away from the mundane existence that you have been experiencing of late. You have many high hopes and ideals but you are concerned whether circumstances will allow you to realise these ambitions. You want to spread your wings - to broaden your fields of activities - but you are concerned that your dreams are just that - 'dreams' which are not realistic. It concerns you that you are not thinking clearly at this time - what you need is to get away from it all, to give you time to think. A short vacation could well restore your confidence.
From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.
You are fed up with other people trying to influence you and you also feel that it is necessary to protect yourself from the threat that your independence and freedom may be restricted. You would just like to be left alone.
http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm
i used to blog almost every other day or week, now on the average of one month i hardly posted 5 entries. so tired and feeling so sandwiched between job and study. even having to go home early that day, i ended up sleeping later than usual coz' there's always things for me to catch up when i'm home. laundry, ironing, my room, school work or even luxury of surfing around the web and reading Archie comics to relax my brain.
----
YM told me that the likelihood of him going over to US for training is pretty high. if he would be chosen, he'll be going over in March '09 for 2 years. by then, i'll be able to go over with him as my status would be his spouse.
quite a wrong timing though...
i've just started this job in UPS lor. and i'm already getting quite hands-on with almost everything in store for me and beginning to appreciate routine job, the last thing i have in mind is to leave.
if i would to have this opportunity to work there in US, i wouldn't mind. but he told me its unlikely that's possible for god-knows-what reason. the only thing i can do is prolly study. hmm... a good opportunity for me to cont'd my Masters, provided it has been sponsored. otherwise, go there and rot for 2 years?!
-----
suddenly, i miz my mum's cooking. i rmbr she used to whip up really mean soups which would turned me in Jughead for that moment. salty-veg and duck soup, bak kut teh, sichuan veg soup, yellow gourd soup, spinach soup, and her super sour Tom Yam... she would even add salmon into the soup which makes the taste goes WOOOOT!! yum yum... getting hungry!!
i could even recall times where she would even asked me what soup i would like to have for the following week coz' she'll be popping by the wet market for supplies... gawd, that was so spoilt with good food!
i love her porridge too... especially her meat porridge. and many others like sweet potato porridge... the more watery it is, the better it tasted.
and she understands my tummy really well. when she sees me raking the fridge, she would immediately asked, "hungry ah?". and then, she'll whip some some noodles (hardly maggi mee) or fried rice / noodles to tie me over till dinner.
also there were times when she was preparing dinner and i'll sneaked attack some of her dishes. she'll exclaimed, "haiyoh! this mouse come and steal food again!" kekekekeke.... otherwise, i'll scoop a couple of small bowls of soup to satisfy my cravings. yum yum!!
haix, gone were the good ol' days....
she became so heavily involved in her external recreations that she no longers bother to cook "properly". oh well, let's not go into there..
----
YM told me that the likelihood of him going over to US for training is pretty high. if he would be chosen, he'll be going over in March '09 for 2 years. by then, i'll be able to go over with him as my status would be his spouse.
quite a wrong timing though...
i've just started this job in UPS lor. and i'm already getting quite hands-on with almost everything in store for me and beginning to appreciate routine job, the last thing i have in mind is to leave.
if i would to have this opportunity to work there in US, i wouldn't mind. but he told me its unlikely that's possible for god-knows-what reason. the only thing i can do is prolly study. hmm... a good opportunity for me to cont'd my Masters, provided it has been sponsored. otherwise, go there and rot for 2 years?!
-----
suddenly, i miz my mum's cooking. i rmbr she used to whip up really mean soups which would turned me in Jughead for that moment. salty-veg and duck soup, bak kut teh, sichuan veg soup, yellow gourd soup, spinach soup, and her super sour Tom Yam... she would even add salmon into the soup which makes the taste goes WOOOOT!! yum yum... getting hungry!!
i could even recall times where she would even asked me what soup i would like to have for the following week coz' she'll be popping by the wet market for supplies... gawd, that was so spoilt with good food!
i love her porridge too... especially her meat porridge. and many others like sweet potato porridge... the more watery it is, the better it tasted.
and she understands my tummy really well. when she sees me raking the fridge, she would immediately asked, "hungry ah?". and then, she'll whip some some noodles (hardly maggi mee) or fried rice / noodles to tie me over till dinner.
also there were times when she was preparing dinner and i'll sneaked attack some of her dishes. she'll exclaimed, "haiyoh! this mouse come and steal food again!" kekekekeke.... otherwise, i'll scoop a couple of small bowls of soup to satisfy my cravings. yum yum!!
haix, gone were the good ol' days....
she became so heavily involved in her external recreations that she no longers bother to cook "properly". oh well, let's not go into there..
Thursday, April 03, 2008
lessons learnt in my life....
when i happened to read other people's blog and realize that the things they're going through at their age was what i was being put through in the past. i was the same rebellious rascal who never fail to upset my family - my mother per se. i just insisted things to go my way and till now, i still just want it. i don't understand how come i could be so tolerable towards others but just not my family.
i always had this thinking that my family was never sincerely supportive of anything i did. either they would give negative remarks or criticism or totally skeptical of my capabilities to get things done myself. basically, to me, everything they said were of no help and just trying to put me down. i can't stand it. so i learnt the hard way to depend on myself and not even on my family. the pride in myself is invincible. anyway, i can't share anything with my family as we have never bonded. in addition, my brothers always counted me out for any bonding session like games or outdoor activities. after all, i'm the only girl AND the youngest, it's a chore to take care. so i guess a huge chunk of opportunity to bond had slipped away.
i remembered the time when i turned rebellious was purely desperation to get out of my mum's protective shell. imagine having my mum to show up everyday during my recess and she would hang around my school almost every break time i had. my peers were looking down on me and i had no friends. worse still, i got insulted by my teachers too. and you know something? i was only 10 years old and i had to go through all these bullying. perhaps that was the time when enough was enough. primary school childhood memories was something i never could rid from my mind. i wanted so badly to get out of that school and start afresh somewhere. luckily, i graduated and proceeded to secondary school. things became very VERY much pleasant that i treasured so much. in addition, i'd made some really good friends which in turn became one of my dearest friendship in life.
the things i went through including the changes in my family moulded me to be someone which i didn't want to be. i didn't want to get hurt, and i've learnt the hard way to be strong for myself and no one else - an unbreakable barrier surrounded me. what i'm thankful that i was made to think for myself in my teens since there isn't anyone i could really turn to for help.
i don't command respect at home as i'm the youngest and the well-known rebellion, i don't see why i should return the respect. spoilt? i doubt so. i had enough trying to earn trust and respect and no matter how hard i tried, everything i did is still not sufficient coz' nothing nice would ever come out from the horses' mouth. it's so exhausting, really. and that's when i didn't bother anything anymore, i only do things which i like. furthermore, the money earned in the family means the better the capabilites, and hence the more vocal you can be. well, i've learnt to be that realistic at home.
then again, what home?
now it's just a roof over my head which can be mistakenly be a hostel (coz' i basically took care of almost everything from the house monthly bills to the groceries and toiletries) and an empty shell that i sleep in.
nobody is going to sympathize me. so, occasionally i'll sympathize myself and whine alot to feel better (like now). and then, its time to wake up and get a grip. i'll move on from there like i always do. otherwise, i'll feel loserish.
nevertheless, i always wished i could turn back time and mould my life to be the way i wanted myself to be rather than not to be.
i always had this thinking that my family was never sincerely supportive of anything i did. either they would give negative remarks or criticism or totally skeptical of my capabilities to get things done myself. basically, to me, everything they said were of no help and just trying to put me down. i can't stand it. so i learnt the hard way to depend on myself and not even on my family. the pride in myself is invincible. anyway, i can't share anything with my family as we have never bonded. in addition, my brothers always counted me out for any bonding session like games or outdoor activities. after all, i'm the only girl AND the youngest, it's a chore to take care. so i guess a huge chunk of opportunity to bond had slipped away.
i remembered the time when i turned rebellious was purely desperation to get out of my mum's protective shell. imagine having my mum to show up everyday during my recess and she would hang around my school almost every break time i had. my peers were looking down on me and i had no friends. worse still, i got insulted by my teachers too. and you know something? i was only 10 years old and i had to go through all these bullying. perhaps that was the time when enough was enough. primary school childhood memories was something i never could rid from my mind. i wanted so badly to get out of that school and start afresh somewhere. luckily, i graduated and proceeded to secondary school. things became very VERY much pleasant that i treasured so much. in addition, i'd made some really good friends which in turn became one of my dearest friendship in life.
the things i went through including the changes in my family moulded me to be someone which i didn't want to be. i didn't want to get hurt, and i've learnt the hard way to be strong for myself and no one else - an unbreakable barrier surrounded me. what i'm thankful that i was made to think for myself in my teens since there isn't anyone i could really turn to for help.
i don't command respect at home as i'm the youngest and the well-known rebellion, i don't see why i should return the respect. spoilt? i doubt so. i had enough trying to earn trust and respect and no matter how hard i tried, everything i did is still not sufficient coz' nothing nice would ever come out from the horses' mouth. it's so exhausting, really. and that's when i didn't bother anything anymore, i only do things which i like. furthermore, the money earned in the family means the better the capabilites, and hence the more vocal you can be. well, i've learnt to be that realistic at home.
then again, what home?
now it's just a roof over my head which can be mistakenly be a hostel (coz' i basically took care of almost everything from the house monthly bills to the groceries and toiletries) and an empty shell that i sleep in.
nobody is going to sympathize me. so, occasionally i'll sympathize myself and whine alot to feel better (like now). and then, its time to wake up and get a grip. i'll move on from there like i always do. otherwise, i'll feel loserish.
nevertheless, i always wished i could turn back time and mould my life to be the way i wanted myself to be rather than not to be.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
when the mood sets in....
i feel old... i sincerely does. so envious that some people of my age or even older don't go through what i'm put through. everything's so perfect and they live in their perfect little world, totally oblivious to the real world. for this, it irritates me. speaking from sour grapes, these people don't think! no goals, no objectives, no nothing. how can people live without objectives and goals in life!?
and also, i can't take it when people tells me seriously that they want to be some full-time tai tai. kaoz! so spineless! gawd! depending on men is prolly the worst decision in life! and what's next? coz he gives the money to spend and that gives him the authority to control how life should be?! bleah! slap him! and slap the spineless woman who don't think for herself!
okay, i'm just ranting for the sake of it.
and also, i can't take it when people tells me seriously that they want to be some full-time tai tai. kaoz! so spineless! gawd! depending on men is prolly the worst decision in life! and what's next? coz he gives the money to spend and that gives him the authority to control how life should be?! bleah! slap him! and slap the spineless woman who don't think for herself!
okay, i'm just ranting for the sake of it.
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