when i happened to read other people's blog and realize that the things they're going through at their age was what i was being put through in the past. i was the same rebellious rascal who never fail to upset my family - my mother per se. i just insisted things to go my way and till now, i still just want it. i don't understand how come i could be so tolerable towards others but just not my family.
i always had this thinking that my family was never sincerely supportive of anything i did. either they would give negative remarks or criticism or totally skeptical of my capabilities to get things done myself. basically, to me, everything they said were of no help and just trying to put me down. i can't stand it. so i learnt the hard way to depend on myself and not even on my family. the pride in myself is invincible. anyway, i can't share anything with my family as we have never bonded. in addition, my brothers always counted me out for any bonding session like games or outdoor activities. after all, i'm the only girl AND the youngest, it's a chore to take care. so i guess a huge chunk of opportunity to bond had slipped away.
i remembered the time when i turned rebellious was purely desperation to get out of my mum's protective shell. imagine having my mum to show up everyday during my recess and she would hang around my school almost every break time i had. my peers were looking down on me and i had no friends. worse still, i got insulted by my teachers too. and you know something? i was only 10 years old and i had to go through all these bullying. perhaps that was the time when enough was enough. primary school childhood memories was something i never could rid from my mind. i wanted so badly to get out of that school and start afresh somewhere. luckily, i graduated and proceeded to secondary school. things became very VERY much pleasant that i treasured so much. in addition, i'd made some really good friends which in turn became one of my dearest friendship in life.
the things i went through including the changes in my family moulded me to be someone which i didn't want to be. i didn't want to get hurt, and i've learnt the hard way to be strong for myself and no one else - an unbreakable barrier surrounded me. what i'm thankful that i was made to think for myself in my teens since there isn't anyone i could really turn to for help.
i don't command respect at home as i'm the youngest and the well-known rebellion, i don't see why i should return the respect. spoilt? i doubt so. i had enough trying to earn trust and respect and no matter how hard i tried, everything i did is still not sufficient coz' nothing nice would ever come out from the horses' mouth. it's so exhausting, really. and that's when i didn't bother anything anymore, i only do things which i like. furthermore, the money earned in the family means the better the capabilites, and hence the more vocal you can be. well, i've learnt to be that realistic at home.
then again, what home?
now it's just a roof over my head which can be mistakenly be a hostel (coz' i basically took care of almost everything from the house monthly bills to the groceries and toiletries) and an empty shell that i sleep in.
nobody is going to sympathize me. so, occasionally i'll sympathize myself and whine alot to feel better (like now). and then, its time to wake up and get a grip. i'll move on from there like i always do. otherwise, i'll feel loserish.
nevertheless, i always wished i could turn back time and mould my life to be the way i wanted myself to be rather than not to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment