much calmed...

the warm and soothing water pelted down my naked body and it felt so good, so comforting. something i had appreciated after a long day at work. after having to deal with the ups and downs, having a good bath would be the top priority when i'm home.

reluctantly, i turned off the heater and slipped into my home-clothes. finally, i felt much better. no, i'm no longer as blue than earlier; no, i'm not feeling that down anymore. perhaps, a good shower helped me come to my senses and not being silly in dwelling in my miseries.

soon, a good sleep would be all it takes to make me focus better at work and make my day worth. i shall pray my recuperation would be undisturbed and peaceful.

perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

perhaps it's a Monday, therefore i'm feeling blue...
perhaps i'm broke, that's why i'm blue...
perhaps i may have lose focus, which results me getting blue...
perhaps i've permanently lost my distraction, which explains why i'm blue...
perhaps i'm sick and tired of my career, it may be a possibility why i'm blue...
perhaps i'm getting no motivation, may strictly defines i'm blue...
perhaps i didnt get enough sleep last night, might leads to my being blue...

it shouldnt feel this way... in fact, i should be glad that i've finally come to a new month where i can start afresh and not bothering about what i didnt achieve last month. after all, i can't do much now other than strive ahead.

i just wanna scream.

i've broken down...

i still vaguely rmbr the reason the last time i broke down, related to work. and after switching jobs, i thought i might not be going through anything similar anymore. after all, i feel much better about my current job than the previous one. but then again, i still end up in tears.

thank goodness i let it all out, got over and done with it. it may not be very healthy but it felt so much better after that. i guess as much as i chose to bottle my emotions and vent it out in other ways than crying, i don't really face much of a choice. it just came, and i somehow let it out without control. in fact, i can't really control as much as i want to. ha...

i can't really go into details, coz' the last thing i want is my bosses coincidentally tripped upon this blog...

i still love my job despite what had happened. i seriously enjoys what i'm doing, no doubt! however there's always some inevitable flaws in everything and anything that makes it imperfect. but hell, i try not to make those "flaws" eat into me... trying hard to get use to it. or i should really get used to it.

i've never given up trying to make my mark there and i have goals for myself to achieve along the way. and i think i'm getting abit impatient already. if by certain time of the year and i'm still struggling like a novice, i think it's time to go. or maybe i will still persevere... i don't know. just see how things will go...

at the meantime, i need retail therapy... real soon...

it doesn't pay to be compassionate

i've learn my lessons the hard way. efforts of being nice would only end up taken advantaged of. i have had enough. in order to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, i need to be really vigilent and merciless. no one will be there for you when you cry, nobody will sympathize you when you fall, no such person will empathize your situation. what they will do is to mock at you, fill you in with sarcasm and curt. to them, these are what you deserve in order to wake you up from your fucking idea of "if you be nice to others, others will be nice to you". what's more to a stranger that i barely know after a few minutes of interaction over the phone.

if my bf wasn't there for me to rant, i would probably get a dartboard with the pic of my boss's face on it.

no, i won't let myself crumble from such a small setback. i need to face reality and move on. fuck care the bosses, fuck care what went wrong. just cont'd to work on my cases and hit the figures. after all, that what's most important. they see money rolling into their pocket and not whether your conscience has been challenged.

sad.

and i need shopping....

i just have to let the steam out!

it just gets on my nerves when my bosses requested too much from me. ya, blame it on my poor coordination skills or my disorganization. bleah! but does that mean it requires constant reprimandings meh?

they just keep pushing me to keep calling and calling and calling. when i get too much orders and it's getting out of hand, they STILL want me to get more orders. fuck lo! i havent even got the time to do proper search on the resumes and they jux wanted me to get more orders. and when they realize that my orders are getting out of hand and not much resumes sent out, they started to comment that i should concentrate on searching for the candidates.

i so hate it when i'm working on my orders, they keep pushing me to telemarket. it's like, "har?! i got so many orders and i don't even have enough time to place in suitable candidates, yet you still want me to get MORE orders?!" i only have 8 working hours a day (excluding an hour of lunchtime), with 2 hours a day on telemarketing, plus an hour each in the morning and evening that we have to avoid calling coz' the person-in-charge is either clearing the shit for the day before or clearing up to go home, which left only approx. of 4 hours a day to screen resumes, call them up, do up their resumes and send them over PLUS following up with the clients. it will normally takes me about 1 to 2 hours a day to screen and call up the respective candidates. BUT, all these excludes leftover shits to clear from the day before. WAH LAU!

maybe i should search my conscience that i'm disorganized. maybe i should start to make myself known that i'm not too adverse in my multi-tasking. so!?!?! big deal!

sometimes when i know i'm getting out-of-hand till i sit in the office and not knowing where to start, i literally write the tasks to complete in my notebook. upon completion, i will tick them off. sometimes the WHOLE day, i can't even complete the tasks i'm suppose to complete WITHIN a day. crap!

so, am i suppose to stay overtime when i'm not even paid for it? am i suppose to camp overnight in the office in order to get work done? or i should start to sacrifice my after-office relaxation and bring work home? eh, i got a life here!! even if it's just to throw my unfinished work to go home and rest early, i will do that. no way am i going to bring work home....

yeah, take it as a normal day-to-day rantings but if i don't let it out, i'll probably develop a mental disorder.

who's to blame?

when the PC crashes, the 1st reaction people will give is to point fingers. it's natural and understandable. but at the end of the day, shouldn't the owner of the Com takes ownership and shoulder the blame for his negligence?

like myself, when anything goes wrong with my PC, i would definitely need to check who's the last user and what he/she did to it. be it purely surfing online, downloading unsafed online games or installing any softwares/hardwares, there is always a need to get to the bottom of the matter. whether it may or may not solve the problem, at least we have a rough idea what went wrong. however, it's too late to point fingers especially when hard disk crashes.

my pictures i wanted are gone and far from been rescued. i'm utterly upset coz' this could have been prevented.

i believe in taking precautions at all times, especially when you're talking about old systems. even if it takes to invest in another external hardware to backup those precious files, i would simply do that. it is just not worth to rely on that cranky hardware and would only end up in tears if anything goes horribly wrong.

like now.

there're just so much, so much angst in me when no one heed my advice. everything is out of goodwill. if things go wrong, it won't affect me if it doesnt concern me. now, it's different.

it's useless saying so much. just stop, stop finding excuses...