i was reading my older posts and when i came to my "nolstalgic" entry, it suddenly struck me to check of the date today - 23rd Jul. i couldn't believe that i had overlooked 19th Jul effortlessly. i'm awed. hahaha.

well, 19th Jul is my ex's birthday. like i've said before, we had plans to celebrate each other's 21st birthday. however, we've broken up a year ago and i still missed him somehow. and previously, my heart aches when i thought of it. right now, i have actually crossed that day without even thinking about it.

i'm glad i haven't thought much of it after that emotional entry. in fact, i crossed everday sub-conciously, basically doing the things i need to do. perhaps that's why i didnt realise it.

i guess i'm pretty over "that date". 'coz right now, i'm feeling pretty neutral. that's a good sign of course! so ya... *sigh*

Too "kay-poh" for my own good

i'm a devout non-smoker and my boyfriend ain't. our interest clashes but not too serious. however, it came to a day he wanted me to help solemnise him to be what i am. so very well, i helped.

we kept all our deals and agreements light-hearted. i didn't want to create unnecessary pressure that might backfire. so he did manage to cut down a lot. we're talking about ten-over sticks a day to about ten-over sticks a week. but our agreement is all about quiting and not cutting down. of course, we have to start somewhere isn't it? and i must say, his improvement is tremendous! this i have got to admit.

right now, he couldnt get rid of the "few sticks" a day. he is apologetic but he couldnt say he's sorry about what he has done. because, he knew he's not able to let go. so what am i s'pose to do right now?

i'm utterly disappointed. what disappoints me more is initially, i did not even push him to quit. he was the one who request to help him and as a girlfriend and concerned about his health, i happily agreed.

if i am to harp on this fact, it'll definitely make me more miserable. i chose to give up. yet, i'm not able to swallow the disappointment.

teach me how to let go.... of the disappointment.

i mind about how i look

appearance is important to me. it is as important as having regular meals everyday. it's not easy trying to maintain to look good for someone who has a skinny frame like me. it is already a blessing if my friends don't start commenting that i looked malnutritioned.

i stand 1.68m and weigh a mere 43kg. that's how pathetic i really am. but then again, i just couldnt put on the ounces. maybe it's my metabolism, or maybe there're tapeworms in me. i don't know. till now, i havent have the time, energy and the cash to go for a proper check up.

recently, just a concern from friends shook me up. "you looked really dried-up." how awful can that sound.

ironically, i'm eating well and still a hell lot. yet, i couldnt hear comments that i seemed to have put on weight. or perhaps, it is never once obvious. *LOL*

i will never consider additional supplements like weight-gainer. im still in favour to healthy diet and all. i know it's time for a good check-up... "when", would be the question.

amazed by myself

it is quite amazing to able to discover more about myself when i'm working. i guess this would be one of the rare times where i needn't to hear from a 3rd party what kind of person i am when it comes to working. and unfortunately, this discovery did brought me some shame.

finally, i have came to my senses that i'm not an independent worker. i need external factors to get me moving, motivated in order to produce favorable results. sad to say, it's only the presence of higher authority pushed me to my limits and perhaps, way past it. in a result, i felt the sense of achievement when i managed to accomplish certain things to show my efficiency. however, on the other hand, i have clearly shown my reliance.

well, let's not dwell into the negative aspect. i'm proud of myself, for today. period.

Restrictions

what is my boss thinking when she decided to tighten her reins on us? is that something humane? to her, she feels that we have abused our freedom to blog-stalk but little did she realise we're basically relieving stress and giving ourselves a short distraction from work.

looks like our "comfort zone" is not too much comfy anymore.

the grass is always greener on the other side

i went clubbing at Club MoMo yesterday. my boyfriend's younger sister was with me. clubbing with her was quite a new experience. perhaps, the feeling was trapped between being an older sister-figure and a friend. after all, i'm an outsider. i can't really interfere with whatever she's doing but i need to look after her as well. at least, that's a mutual agreement between her mother and me.

when i saw her flirt, dance and enjoyed herself to the max in her carefree spirit, i was so envious and a tint of jealousy. suddenly i wished i was like her - single. no doubt i love having my boyfriend around when i club, i also wished i could flirt around too.

suddenly, i missed those days when i was single, nursing a broken heart 6 months ago. i could still taste the sweetness of freedom after a long 3 years relationship.

nonetheless, i've chosen to get myself attached, to have someone who i could lean on emotionally at the end of a torturous day at work. well, i gain some and lose some. i should count my blessings to find such a wonderful and supportive guy.

i guess, that's the only way to think to make up for the "loss of freedom". and only thinking that way could make me feel better.

women - self-denial.

what wrong is there?

why do guyz have to read things, especially girl's blog, so superficially? i was being sentimental. you mean, being sentimental or nolstagic is something that taboo? like what i've stated in the "nostalgic" entry, "blame it on me being sentimental for the wrong matters". hellO! i don't state there for nothing ya'know...

or perhaps, it's a wrong move to get my boyfriend to even read the entries i've posted. with only-expressive-on-the-keyboard writers like me will bitch and state down almost everything and anything - from the most nonsensical rubbish to the most heartfelt entries. apparently, he just can't take it.

too bad.