a few days ago, i've learned that Nic has a new gf, my heart ached, and sank. i was so not prepared to hear it from him. yes, i praised him for his honesty. just that i wasn't ready for it. sucking in all my emotions, struggling to get the right words, i still managed to give him my blessings. i don't know how i did it...
he told me she fitted the bill - someone who accomodates to his freedom, his erratic working schedule, his business travels, and other how-he-wanted-things-his-way. i guessed he gave me an impression she's really docile because she is telling her friends she's happy with him. yes, good for him. and yes, i was the wrong fit. ouch.
ever since we went our separate ways, and an attempt to try patch things up but only gotten rejected, my heart never gave up. i still pinned for the day we'll still be together. the feeling didnt ceased, surprisingly. it was only tucked neatly somewhere in my heart, waiting for its day to come alive again. deep down, there's a nagging tug, he's the one. but, likely, he didn't feel the same way. at least not for now....
i struggled to maintain my composure, i didn't know how come i couldn't pull away from the conversation with him. i felt stupid, why was i so nosy!? yes, i asked for it. i deserved it. and when the conversation ended, the tears flowed. i cried in church. and will cry again.
he apologized as he had no intention to hurt me. it's not his fault, never his fault, and not his responsibility of how i feel, not at all. i should've seen this coming. i guess, i truly understand now what it meant by "as long as you're happy, that's all that matters", even if i can feel my heart ripping into pieces. i never felt so much disappointment before, as far as i can rmbr.
am i ready to move on? it is even more apparent now: no. but is that a cue i should? i don't know... maybe it is, maybe it's not. questions, who would to give me the answer? i'm waiting for God's voice, His voice to comfort, to guide.
consolation? i'll be stronger.
but just let me slowly stopped the bleeding of my heart, and allow time to heal...... it has been 1 year since our broke up. now, i need another year.... or more.
