It's a challenge trying to stay awake. I can't believe it's only past 11 in the morning! And I'm feeling lethargic all morning! I've done my lazy back stretches many times, yawning like nobody's business till I kept tearing and it's not getting better. Little motivation at work.... and I'm sitting on the fence about throwing in my resignation coz' I'm way too bored. Well, I do have a D&D to handle but the heart isn't at the right places lately.
Bintan, this weekend, I'm now hoping it would be slightly longer than just the weekend. But oh well, I need to use my precious leaves and I'm reluctant. And I do want to offset my leaves for earlier dismissal if the day comes for me to tender. Heh!
Anyway, sorting out my thoughts, exercising my brain a little through jotting journals would help keep me awake. Or snap me out of my slumber for a while....
------
How am I coping after the hasty breakup? Well, I'm still in contact with him, just friends chatting. I think it's me trying to constantly remind myself that he's no longer in a relationship with me. The truth I've dug from him 2 Sundays ago was hurting yet expected, but now the hurt is no longer there, just somehow always suspicious if he's doing anything behind my back now. Even though we're no longer in a relationship, it's relatively obvious we're not letting each other go. He blurted he still misses me, wanted much to initiate conversations, but he's worried that I would get the wrong intentions. I guess it finally dawned upon him that he's not truly ready to be in another relationship. Or he's worried that the other woman would come back again....
For this, I don't exactly know what I'm holding on or waiting. I want to move on, yet, not ready? It always end up this way for me, isn't it? Not all the time, but lately, with the last few, it has been like this. I guess it's not easy to just walk away when I know real heart has been put in, and genuinely, I want it to be the last. But I think there'll be a few more to go... LOL! Perhaps like what Ker Ker said, as we ladies progresses with age, the men available gets way smaller, in rapids. They're either in a stable relationship, getting ready for marriage, or married. Leftovers are just looking for playthings. Shucks.
So yeah, Ker Ker felt that I'm taken for a ride..... yet again. Well, I beg to differ though. I'm still fully aware whether the guy is genuine or not. When a guy does not have his heart in the relationship, it can be detected through his behavior and actions, even if it's in the beginning stages. I felt the genuine attraction and the chemistry.Whatever has happened to me is just being unfortunate...
Then again, I don't think I'll ever change. Even if it's just the beginning of a new relationship, I would just plunge right in, give my fullest. To some they would feel it's stupid, coz' that only increased my chance of getting hurt. Let's put it this way: if I don't like to be treated half-fucked, then why even give half-fucked treatment to the person I genuinely like and think that there's a possibility to develop into something else better? The other party can feel it, if I'm not entirely into this relationship.And that, to me, is already started out on the wrong foot. At least even if I get hurt, I know I've done my best, and not thinking, "if I should've done that for him.....". So yeah, no regrets.
Having said all these, I don't know what's next for me. I do feel that what we had for that short period of time was precious even though shortlived, and would like to give it another shot. But I know better than to come across too aggressive. Oh well, now I'm hanging around lor...
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Prematured death
i wonder if there's such thing as a superstition about having to announce a new r'ship during the 1st "trimester". i know about preggies, but what about r'ship? any? barely 1 month of dating, it ended. i think, it barely even started full scale.
the 1st 2 weeks were just awesomely sweet. we met up every other day. we were very much into each other. both were giving our best, no reservations. it's warm and fuzzy in the tummy, like i've previously mentioned. now i think about it, i still don't understand how 2 weeks later, everything just spiraled downwards.
all it started was a silly prank call. someone called him while he was outstationed for work, claimed to know who he was, and then some parts of his ugly past relationships. he freaked, apparently too easily. he text me in the wee hours when i was aslp, asking if i have given anyone his number, or do i know anyone who's in indonesia (based on the country code). and when i spoke to him, he had his nerves frazzled, and simply became incoherent. he was at the brink of inconsolable. he started interogating me who i shared his past with and all that. and a few days later, he said he needed some space to sort things out. i was taken aback. almost 2 weeks later of little or no communication, he text me saying he wanted to break it off, and "sorry and take good care of yourself!".
i probed, and he refused to say much, only that it was all in bad timing and unfortunate that such things (prank call) happened and when it did, he had his doubts and reservations already. alot of coincidental incidents which are too coincidental to believe and all that. said it was up to me to believe his "crap", and he admitted that it was irresponsible of him to break up with a text, but he doesn't know how to face me as he doesn't want to be asking questions that he doesn't want to know. seriously, i don't entirely know what he meant by that last sentence.
throughout the 2 weeks, he was quite hysterical. he was short-fused as he kept thinking of the prank caller, trying to figure out his intentions, and who would actually "betrayed" him. and the questions clouded his mind till he was unable to communicate with me, and to the point where he actually had to request for a time-out from me. in my honest opinion, it's too drama.
perhaps i managed to figure out (the prank call) for him, a little too logical and easy; or perhaps he just kept thinking and forming his own conclusions..... i have no friggin' idea! it's so infuriating! why am i the scapegoat of this silly episode??! unless someone doesn't want me to be with him...
it's still nonetheless painful, and a part of me died as well. i did put my heart in, i was keen to give it my best shot.
i'm feeling really injust now. i want a proper closure, an explanation! and i somewhat feel a spur to kick his butt to wake up his idea. i think he takes this r'ship a little too lightly. i hope i'm only following what the spirit spurs me on to....
the 1st 2 weeks were just awesomely sweet. we met up every other day. we were very much into each other. both were giving our best, no reservations. it's warm and fuzzy in the tummy, like i've previously mentioned. now i think about it, i still don't understand how 2 weeks later, everything just spiraled downwards.
all it started was a silly prank call. someone called him while he was outstationed for work, claimed to know who he was, and then some parts of his ugly past relationships. he freaked, apparently too easily. he text me in the wee hours when i was aslp, asking if i have given anyone his number, or do i know anyone who's in indonesia (based on the country code). and when i spoke to him, he had his nerves frazzled, and simply became incoherent. he was at the brink of inconsolable. he started interogating me who i shared his past with and all that. and a few days later, he said he needed some space to sort things out. i was taken aback. almost 2 weeks later of little or no communication, he text me saying he wanted to break it off, and "sorry and take good care of yourself!".
i probed, and he refused to say much, only that it was all in bad timing and unfortunate that such things (prank call) happened and when it did, he had his doubts and reservations already. alot of coincidental incidents which are too coincidental to believe and all that. said it was up to me to believe his "crap", and he admitted that it was irresponsible of him to break up with a text, but he doesn't know how to face me as he doesn't want to be asking questions that he doesn't want to know. seriously, i don't entirely know what he meant by that last sentence.
throughout the 2 weeks, he was quite hysterical. he was short-fused as he kept thinking of the prank caller, trying to figure out his intentions, and who would actually "betrayed" him. and the questions clouded his mind till he was unable to communicate with me, and to the point where he actually had to request for a time-out from me. in my honest opinion, it's too drama.
perhaps i managed to figure out (the prank call) for him, a little too logical and easy; or perhaps he just kept thinking and forming his own conclusions..... i have no friggin' idea! it's so infuriating! why am i the scapegoat of this silly episode??! unless someone doesn't want me to be with him...
it's still nonetheless painful, and a part of me died as well. i did put my heart in, i was keen to give it my best shot.
i'm feeling really injust now. i want a proper closure, an explanation! and i somewhat feel a spur to kick his butt to wake up his idea. i think he takes this r'ship a little too lightly. i hope i'm only following what the spirit spurs me on to....
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