A period, to a tumultuous past

At this moment, I'm on my way home. I just collected my salary cheques from my ex company, so glad finally everything had been settled. I can now bid goodbye to that company and hope we'll never cross path again.

If it wasn't for the colleagues, I wouldn't know how I survived. They'd made my 20 mths stay much more bearable.

I'm saying goodbye to the obnoxious boss who acted like she's God; I'm saying goodbye to petty politics; and goodbye to all those unnecessary judgements I'm subjected to.

So glad everything now comes to an end and I can look forward to a better and brighter future. Awesome weather too, for this day! My heart felt so light now, it's unbelievable. So glad it's over.

♥

Blockages....

I was happily baptized 2 weeks ago, with the many thousands of them around the world. While others felt the Holy Spirit came down on them, I didn’t feel much. I don’t truly know why. But when I finally took the Eucharist, tears swelled when I gave thanks. It has been a long journey for me. And of course, I was excited about the whole thing, despite being cool throughout the entire event. Honored, definitely, to be part of this new loving family.

I’ve gained new friends who’re as closed as real sisters and brothers, new loving god-parents, new younger god-siblings (that came in a bunch!). How not to be spoiled by soaking in their love all the time? It’s great, everything has been awesomely great.

However, lately, I felt many blockages, like something’s not right. And I could feel myself “slipping away”. I wasn’t praying much, much less able to hear Him now, and I didn’t really know what’s going on. I didn’t feel like sharing during group sharing sessions. Simply, I couldn’t feel Him and felt pretty much disoriented. Honestly, I was getting scared.

I could always put the blame on my current company, but not right to do that. I really don’t wish to say much anymore, just only focus on getting out. At least, I’m quite focus on praying for a new job at least, as I know I’m soaking in a pool of poison, where it attacks the mental health. The resentments alone, is enough to kill any healthy being. It’s like hanging around with “living zombies”, people who work for the sake of working. They have no zest in life, and only talking behind each other’s back. Moderate gossiping is still fine by my standards, but it’s getting excessive lately. And the Big Bosses are considering to cut back some of our benefits as part of their cost-cutting initiative. I can really go on and on and on, however, instead of putting in so much effort to be whiney and miserable, I want to do something about it. I HAVE to do something about it. And I’m getting out of there. For my own sake, for my mental health, for the betterment of me, I want to get out. I wanted to just rough it out but enough is really enough.

By far, I’ve only went for 1 interview, out of the many resumes I’ve sent. Frustrating, really. I need a lot of strength, and loads and loads of patience. Sometimes I feel like I’m at the brink of just throwing in the letter…

I amazed myself...

I was appointed to be the emcee for my company’s event – Appreciation Dinner, aka D&D. I was under tremendous stress as I had to do the entire event in Mandarin. Not that I don’t speak that language, but it’s a lot more challenging than in English. To make matters worse, my Big Boss wanted me to say things which are, to me, hypocritical. Like how much heart have been put into the things that the company has done, the investments she put into making new crystal awards, blah blah blah. Okay, let’s put it this way, wanting me to say things which I don’t believe in, it’s just no-go for me. But how can I do it too?!

So for 2 weeks, I really sat on my duties. I didn’t know how to script it in the way she wanted me to. When I finally started on it, I somehow still managed to distract myself with other unimportant tasks. So it took real long for me to come out with the final draft.

Then again, there’s no final draft.

We had to get prepared and ready by 4pm, yet at 2pm, the Big Boss still wanted to add and change some event segments. That means, the event schedule couldn’t be confirm, and my script would still have to tweak! I was so stressed out, I was feeling so sick in my tummy. I was from almost prepared to totally unprepared. I was rigid, I admit, but it’s in Mandarin! Hell man, I needed to script every word properly because my Mandarin wouldn’t be that fluent if I’m unsure what to say, simply put.

Initially, the Big Boss wanted me to rehearse my emcee script with her. But thank God, I took her last minute changes as an excuse and she just left it to handle it myself. The last I wanted to do was to rehearse! OMG! It’ll be definitely awkward. Not that I cannot handle criticisms, but I knew rehearsing with her, she would have her inputs, and her inputs would really screw everything up for me. It would really screw my brains and stressed me out further.

I was so stressed about everything that I even forgot to pray to calm my nerves. However, I felt a sense of calmness overwhelmed me during the entire event. There were even more last minute changes, I somehow managed to cover it up, and people who not know, probably didn’t realize anything out of norm; other than our own team who’re running the show, of course. I felt totally empowered, mysteriously. And finally when the night wraps up, I was so washed out. My back was aching, my feet were sore, and my brain’s fried.

The last minute changes made my Project Manager, aka my Events Assistant, super pissed about it. Yet, I could be like cool about the changes. I guess I simply just went with the flow, and pretty much act upon circumstances. And I was just blown away by my own coolness, when I thought back of how I reacted. I could even turn around and consoled my colleague who was so red mad with the many impromptu arrangements.

I don’t know how I did it, but I did.

I’d received raving feedback from my fellow colleagues about my real cool composure and was impressed how I’d performed as an emcee. I was flattered that they didn’t notice how much I was trembling inside, especially when the event started. And they were rooting for me to be the emcee for the next company’s event. Oh Good Lord, I really don’t wish to go through another time! Once, and that’s it.

Well, I’m kinda happy how all turn out for me and my office team and for the rest of the colleagues. And most importantly, the entire event is behind me now. However, there’s an “evaluation” thing pending with the Big Boss. Coz’ she feels that we need know what’s good and not, so we wouldn’t repeat the same mistake the next round. 

Like seriously………..

He did a Houdini...

It has been one week since I’ve last heard from him. Suddenly he had decided to cut me off. I text him but he didn’t reply. And he even blocked me off on Whatsapp. I don’t know what triggered him to do things like that. I didn’t see this coming. We were still joking with each other the day before his disappearo act.

As much as I don’t wish to jump to conclusion, I can also guess what happened. His “past” is back to haunt him. Yes, one messed up dude.

Thinking about him just brings bouts of sadness. Then again, I never forget our first date. I haven’t forgotten the dates we had. Even though it was short-lived but they’re just great memories worth holding on to. And reminiscing them does brings my mood up a little.

According to him, before he decided to disappear on me, he said he would be travelling these 2 weeks. So let’s see what happens the week after next, if anything would change. Would he be spurred to text me suddenly?

Oh well, men like him, sucks.

Am sooooo sleepy!

It's a challenge trying to stay awake. I can't believe it's only past 11 in the morning! And I'm feeling lethargic all morning! I've done my lazy back stretches many times, yawning like nobody's business till I kept tearing and it's not getting better. Little motivation at work.... and I'm sitting on the fence about throwing in my resignation coz' I'm way too bored. Well, I do have a D&D to handle but the heart isn't at the right places lately.

Bintan, this weekend, I'm now hoping it would be slightly longer than just the weekend. But oh well, I need to use my precious leaves and I'm reluctant. And I do want to offset my leaves for earlier dismissal if the day comes for me to tender. Heh!

Anyway, sorting out my thoughts, exercising my brain a little through jotting journals would help keep me awake. Or snap me out of my slumber for a while....


------

How am I coping after the hasty breakup? Well, I'm still in contact with him, just friends chatting. I think it's me trying to constantly remind myself that he's no longer in a relationship with me. The truth I've dug from him 2 Sundays ago was hurting yet expected, but now the hurt is no longer there, just somehow always suspicious if he's doing anything behind my back now. Even though we're no longer in a relationship, it's relatively obvious we're not letting each other go. He blurted he still misses me, wanted much to initiate conversations, but he's worried that I would get the wrong intentions. I guess it finally dawned upon him that he's not truly ready to be in another relationship. Or he's worried that the other woman would come back again....

For this, I don't exactly know what I'm holding on or waiting. I want to move on, yet, not ready? It always end up this way for me, isn't it? Not all the time, but lately, with the last few, it has been like this. I guess it's not easy to just walk away when I know real heart has been put in, and genuinely, I want it to be the last. But I think there'll be a few more to go... LOL! Perhaps like what Ker Ker said, as we ladies progresses with age, the men available gets way smaller, in rapids. They're either in a stable relationship, getting ready for marriage, or married. Leftovers are just looking for playthings. Shucks.

So yeah, Ker Ker felt that I'm taken for a ride..... yet again. Well, I beg to differ though. I'm still fully aware whether the guy is genuine or not. When a guy does not have his heart in the relationship, it can be detected through his behavior and actions, even if it's in the beginning stages. I felt the genuine attraction and the chemistry.Whatever has happened to me is just being unfortunate...

Then again, I don't think I'll ever change. Even if it's just the beginning of a new relationship, I would just plunge right in, give my fullest. To some they would feel it's stupid, coz' that only increased my chance of getting hurt. Let's put it this way: if I don't like to be treated half-fucked, then why even give half-fucked treatment to the person I genuinely like and think that there's a possibility to develop into something else better? The other party can feel it, if I'm not entirely into this relationship.And that, to me, is already started out on the wrong foot. At least even if I get hurt, I know I've done my best, and not thinking, "if I should've done that for him.....". So yeah, no regrets.

Having said all these, I don't know what's next for me. I do feel that what we had for that short period of time was precious even though shortlived, and would like to give it another shot. But I know better than to come across too aggressive. Oh well, now I'm hanging around lor...

Prematured death

i wonder if there's such thing as a superstition about having to announce a new r'ship during the 1st "trimester". i know about preggies, but what about r'ship? any? barely 1 month of dating, it ended. i think, it barely even started full scale.

the 1st 2 weeks were just awesomely sweet. we met up every other day. we were very much into each other. both were giving our best, no reservations. it's warm and fuzzy in the tummy, like i've previously mentioned. now i think about it, i still don't understand how 2 weeks later, everything just spiraled downwards.

all it started was a silly prank call. someone called him while he was outstationed for work, claimed to know who he was, and then some parts of his ugly past relationships. he freaked, apparently too easily. he text me in the wee hours when i was aslp, asking if i have given anyone his number, or do i know anyone who's in indonesia (based on the country code). and when i spoke to him, he had his nerves frazzled, and simply became incoherent. he was at the brink of inconsolable. he started interogating me who i shared his past with and all that. and a few days later, he said he needed some space to sort things out. i was taken aback. almost 2 weeks later of little or no communication, he text me saying he wanted to break it off, and "sorry and take good care of yourself!".

i probed, and he refused to say much, only that it was all in bad timing and unfortunate that such things (prank call) happened and when it did, he had his doubts and reservations already. alot of coincidental incidents which are too coincidental to believe and all that. said it was up to me to believe his "crap", and he admitted that it was irresponsible of him to break up with a text, but he doesn't know how to face me as he doesn't want to be asking questions that he doesn't want to know. seriously, i don't entirely know what he meant by that last sentence.

throughout the 2 weeks, he was quite hysterical. he was short-fused as he kept thinking of the prank caller, trying to figure out his intentions, and who would actually "betrayed" him. and the questions clouded his mind till he was unable to communicate with me, and to the point where he actually had to request for a time-out from me. in my honest opinion, it's too drama.

perhaps i managed to figure out (the prank call) for him, a little too logical and easy; or perhaps he just kept thinking and forming his own conclusions..... i have no friggin' idea! it's so infuriating! why am i the scapegoat of this silly episode??! unless someone doesn't want me to be with him...

it's still nonetheless painful, and a part of me died as well. i did put my heart in, i was keen to give it my best shot.

i'm feeling really injust now. i want a proper closure, an explanation! and i somewhat feel a spur to kick his butt to wake up his idea. i think he takes this r'ship a little too lightly. i hope i'm only following what the spirit spurs me on to....

Blessed

I'm all smiles, thinking about this entry. I'm officially attached. *Grins* And I'm attached to an old schoolmate, whom we've lost contact for 10 years. We had a brush of fling back then, and it was quickly ended as soon as we started because I was seeing someone else at the same time. One fine day, he decided to try his luck on an old contact, least to realize I was still contactable. That's how it all started....

It wasn't easy, when I decided to give up waiting on my last r'ship. After almost 2 years, I decided to stop nursing a broken heart, I decided I wanted to move on, and I'm tired of being someone's backup plan. He has made his decision to move on (even though it's getting apparent he's not letting up on me after 1 year being attached to someone else), and hanging on would be meaningless to me. I'm surprised how I am saying this now, considering I felt so strongly back then that I should wait. I'm glad the strength came and I was pushed forward. It's somewhat still a pity, I feel. But I'm not looking back already. :)

Fate is smiling on us now. How we've all grown up! Yet, we didn't lose that chemistry we had 10 years ago. It was fun, and our 1st date after 10 years was awesome. Perhaps, the booze we had helped us loosen up and we were enjoying ourselves so much. That was one sweet date, totally memorable. And by the 3rd date, we decided to give us another try. Progressing fast? Well, I do feel a little, however, the feeling's right.

Yet, for a long while, I was thinking how I'm going to find a new relationship since I don't meet new people. And tadah! He came along, when I least expected it. It truly caught me by surprise. It's still settling in to me on the fact how we went one big round and still end up together. Difference is, we're now serious about each other. Or at least, we're both on the same page....

Everyday now, I give my thanks. I have been feeling amazing, warm and fuzzy, deep within. I'm coming to a full circle, or at least I hope so. :)

I'm still happily getting used to the whole dating process all over. It seems like a norm for him to be meeting dinner everyday. It's unusual for me though, considering I have been relatively "independent" in all my past relationships. And with a personal transport, I guess it facilitates the entire dating process too. I'm basically in cloud nine everyday for the past week! And I'm treasuring each and every moment of this wonderful feeling.

I'm feeling really blessed. Thank you Lord.

Boredom Kills Me Softly...

This is bad. I was so drowsy till I actually dozed off at my desk. Not good. Luckily no one spotted me, I guess. No, I’m not on medication or anything, just simply bored. That’s usually what happened when I have really nothing to do or don’t know what else to do. And I actually have the cheek to googled “bored at work what to do”. LOL! Well, I tripped upon an article in Forbes about the productivity of employees due to boredom. It was a good read; still, I dozed off when I finished it. But the moment I shut my eyes for a minute, I visualized the word “Boredom” and I was inspired to blog abit about this.

One part of the article spells truth:

“…..employees also become demotivated and uninspired when they don’t have much control over their jobs or input on important decisions, are not getting enough feedback or positive recognition to feel competent in their work, and don’t feel like they are developing or making progress towards something that’s important.”

Source: Bored In The Office: Is It The New Productivity Killer? 
http://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2012/05/31/bored-in-the-office-is-it-the-new-productivity-killer/

That, totally reflected my current situation.

When I first joined this company, I was raring to go! In fact, they managed to jump start my engine, jamming on the accelerator and I was enjoying the adrenaline. Imagine, barely 3 days upon joining this company, I had to sit in with the management meeting and we’re launching a new treatment in less than 2 months’ time. So it was a mad rush, and I was already clocking the overtime. It was nonetheless a form of motivation for me. Right after, another smaller scale project that I spearheaded all by myself because my boss was not around for good 3 weeks, and I sure took it on. From the planning till execution, without interference. All my bosses were to say yes or no to certain design and stuff, but not the idea. How cool was that! It was sure a good morale booster! However, I guessed happy times like those couldn’t last.

Soon after the mid-year, everything just nose dived. My boss seemed to have “changed” his working techniques, or would say, resumed to his “old ways” of working. I had a hard time accepting it. His “new/old” working style became, “you don’t have to know what I’m doing until I tell you”. What’s worse? He threw me a project, instructed me to work on the proposal. I did as told. I was thinking, “wow! Finally REAL work again!” Alas, it was my wishful thinking, I supposed. Each time I’ve sent him my work, he threw them out. So I humbly redo and redo and redo. My thoughts were, “till you’re happy”. Finally it came to my 6^th proposal, he said it was good! “Yes! Like finally!!” I joyfully thought. Yet, nothing was carried out. By the way, that was more than 3 months ago.

Next, he decided that I should be tasked to take on a Huge project which in my view, it’s really Huge one. I almost drooled at the opportunity. He wanted me to weave a holistic strategy. Same practice, he criticized my sloppy work when I’m done, so I had to redo. Surprisingly, I never really give up even having those sh*t thrown at me. And my final proposal which I spent considerable amount of time on it, from sourcing for pictures to beautify my deck to reviewing past works, and really exhausted all juice I had onto the project, tweaked and tweaked and tweaked, till I felt satisfied or simply nothing more I could think of, I sent it to him believing it would portray the genuine efforts thrown in. Yet, 2 weeks past, no news. I reminded him again, he requested for me to resend to him. Another 3 weeks past, no news. That was about 2 months ago.

What I’m doing at the meantime? Just carrying out my menial daily tasks mainly sales support, while waiting for an answer, or waiting for some form of directions.

How all motivating can my job be right now? My boss totally disengaged himself with me (and the rest of the team too) to work on his don’t-know-what-he-is-brewing-back-there, and going to work seemingly a struggle. Pretty much wasting my time, I feel. Or in fact, I feel “under-utilized”. I don’t even feel “useful” anymore!

Many times, I have an impulse to just leave. Yet, my spirit encouraged me to “wait and see, wait and see”. Furthermore, it’s finally we get to see the outcome of don’t-know-what-he-is-brewing-back-there presentation on next Tuesday, hence I believe from there onwards, it would (or should) keep me busy again. Or that’s what I hope. At least, it’s just one more week. I’ve waited for more than 4 months just hanging around, so what’s one more week, right?

I’m not kind of employee who enjoys not having things to do and take the same paycheck. I do appreciate short lull periods for breather from all the hustle and bustle, but not prolonged breaks. I’m someone who seeks satisfaction in the work I do, or in fact, anything I put my mind in doing. After all, how motivating can a stagnant paycheck be?? No excuse to fight for better pay, no opportunities to grow and stretch myself and hence getting obsolete in the market. That is not motivating. In fact, worrying.