when my mum learned about my current job situation, her 1st instinct was: you're really very suay, kept meeting these kind of bosses. as much as i didn't want to believe it was luck, i also couldn't helped but felt swayed by the superstition.
as Christians, we believe nothing is left for "luck". everything is predestined. the tribulations and challenges i faced, they're planned for. not by me of course. so if everything is already part of my journey that i'm taking, why is it still so hard to accept? And yet, if i would to blame it on luck, it would be easier? some colleagues of mine said, "it's just lack of fate". really, fate? it seems like we can blame on anything else that's possible, but except the fact where, "a challenge has been placed in your path for a good reason". maybe when anything is beyond perceived control, it could be fate or luck.
okay, i think i just lost myself.
fact is, i AM really lost.
suddenly, i just don't know where i should be heading or what i should be doing next. i lost my focus, and don't know what i'm pursuing nor what i want to be anymore. i don't really know how i can retrace my steps. my passion sort of fizzled during the midst and i've lost the motivation. it makes me wonder, if i had tried too hard to fit in to something which i don't truly belong. and if that has been the case, where should i be?
when i evaluated what truly speaks to my heart, a lot of things seemed lukewarm. in fact, i never truly felt passionate about something. i never had a favourite band (i like some good songs from some groups but never really a fan of a particular group), i don't really have a favourite color (my mood changes preferences), i don't have a favorite food (coz' as long as they're good and comforting, i like them) and many more non-favourites. perhaps, i was never really an extremist? therefore, everything was like, "so-so", "not bad", or "okay lor". and hence when it comes to choices in life, it naturally took on the half-baked attitude.
then again, when it comes to choosing a life partner, i don't seem to be that half-baked. i still strongly believe we shouldn't settle for 2nd-best. and when it's not the right one, no it's not okay. alright, so at least there's something i feel strongly about.
Choops and I just had this conversation earlier: why does it seem that we have difficulties staying in a job. and we seemed to be in the same shit right now. her boss is also a self-centered meanie, just takes care of his business, and his staff is none of his business. coincidence, or we're simply surrounded by mean bosses? to be fair, i've met really good ones, and truth be told, it's awfully hard to find bosses who care. maybe they also have their own agendas, but at least, their staffs were part of their agendas. maybe companies need to have staff turnovers as part of their KPIs like what my previous company did, so that will keep them in check for making employees leave.
anyway, i feel there's a need for me to know myself more. i've reached a stage that i don't think i want to push myself that hard, something which i don't wish to trade my health with, and even my weekends. i want them to be free for my family and church. i still want to climb up the corporate ladder, just that i don't mind if it takes longer than it supposed to. i've come to realize that going into my current company was not such a great idea after all. i was drawn by possible facade of its brand and controversies, and of coz', finally getting back into an MNC. yet, underlying was ugly, where they played petty politics, bosses who thought they're really good and competent considering they've "survived" over the years (doesn't equates to them equipping with proper people management skills). and simply all other things which i feel i'm really too jaded for workplace dramas and theatrics. and for once, in my 10 years of slavery, i lose sleep over work, and was actually stressed when Sunday night came. perpetually playing in head what i've yet to do, or what i've missed out. i wasn't motivated, i was just stressed out. for what, really. which is no wonder i was so mentally and emotionally drained. even the previous devil's den didn't caused me that much distress.
but of coz', none the wiser. i know this was a good lesson for me, and it helped me know myself a little bit better. and also, it does prove something even more: that i strive with the environment, not so much of the work. i may not hate the work i'm doing, but if i love the environment, it gives me a better reason to strive. i'm a people-person, so the (immediate) people around me that i work with and work for are very important to me. and finally, i come to realize that if i've no chemistry with the person i'm working for, i.e. my direct supervisor, it's just wasting time. i thought maybe trying to work harmoniously would be enough, but nope, it definitely needs more than that. i just need to find that out sooner...
yup, i believe my head's pretty much cleared up, my thoughts are finally flowing. phew. it was like jammed for the past 3 weeks.
and it's time to get back into the game. enough rantings. i'm even sick of hearing myself.
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