firmed

i think i've decided what i want. and definitely where i am now is not what i'm looking for. it's a conversation with one of my new, and now became ex, colleagues kind of make me realise what have i been doing all these while.

she may think i'm still young and there's still time to lose. but hell no, i don't think that way! i felt so much older than i really am. i felt as if i'm already in my mid-twenties than someone who just reached her adulthood. i never want to waste my precious time doing something i won't excel in, and might even end up not even achieving anything!

i wanted to do more than i can give. i want to give the more-than-necessary contributions to the company. i want to be seen as a valuable employee of the company, and not a disappointment. i want to learn more than just Sales. most importantly, bring in results and at the end of the day i know i've achieved something great, something that i would be proud of.

right now, what have i achieved? what can i be proud of? what have i done for the past 9 months???! nothing impressive.

i'm ashamed.

it's not only demoralizing, it is depressing as well. i can't even be motivated! everyday, i'm as good as a "lost sheep" trying to get organized, where there're too many things to do, too high expectations and just too little time. if i'm to continue what i'm doing, i'm wasting everybody's time and effort and even what i want to achieve in life!

but before i get hasty with my decisions, i'll take my time. no point landing myself into another pithole. time is running out for me, and soon, i need to come up with something concrete. i may need to discuss this with someone who would be able to feel what i feel, see what i'm looking.

God bless me...