is everything predestined?

did i ever tell you about this project conflict i had?

if i haven't, i'm not exactly going into details again and remind about what happened. just that this is like my 1st ever group project conflict that causes me my grades (i almost said future). but i don't think i'll pass this module even if i'm to take my referral paper.

anyway, i was wondering if everything (i mean my life) was already planned. i was there, anticipating my Unit Controller's reply via email regarding the conflict i had and little did i expect that her mail was actually classified under Junk by Hotmail. for a moment, i was pretty furious with Hotmail and my stupidity. it didn't occur to me to check my junk mail folder, even though this was not new to me already.

so, i end up receiving a stern (and might be read as pissed off) reply about my lack of response towards this matter, that if i did not reply by today, it would be based on her judgement regarding this matter on what results i deserve through information she gathered from groupmates and peer evaluation.

sigh.

i did reply earlier on. and its like already the end of today kind of thing. some more got time difference.... what else could be worse?

at first, i was desperate about what would be happening to my grades, and i was on the verge of crying when i read 2 mails sent down, in my junk folder. seriously, i wanted to personally call up that unit controller and explain what went really wrong. i wanted so much to tell her my part of story regarding this matter. soon after, i became depressed.

i managed to gather my feelings quickly and decided not to dwell into what has happened, and would rather opt for a fresh start (by repeating this module) than trying to explain myself again, which i felt it wouldn't make much of a difference since i didn't see her mail. and it might make me seemed i'm finding excuses for myself. even though it might drag me one more semester just to repeat, but i would rather redo and get better grades out of it. i'm a perfectionist at some things and rather get this module perfected with a 2nd chance than seeing a "Pass" grade to my module. however, i don't know if repeating modules would stain my results slip at the end of my course though....

this is so horrible. i feel terrible.

i guess after all, it doesn't pay to watch my tongue sometimes. maybe keeping mum and observe what happened next is not the best option. i'm wondering if i would to tell them off from the start regarding the lack of communication from their side to me would do me better than me deemed as "not bothered" about the project. apparently i trained myself to wait-watch-and-see attitude is beginning to loose its magic. or perhaps, it doesn't apply anymore. i should have just listened to my heart telling me that things are just not going right and i should voice out my concerns.

i don't know what i'm always afraid off to tell how i feel. looks like it's time to overcome that barrier which is always making me helpless (or even in trouble) at the end of the day. somehow, it doesn't benefit anymore by keeping quiet.

Singapore is beginning to be an Individualistic society, where people are concerned about themselves. it's all about "I" and not "WE". if you get what i mean....

from today onwards, i shall change my mentality to an "I" attitude and not "WE". furthermore, nobody really bothers about "WE" and there doesn't seemed to be a "WE", but more of a "ME" and nobody else but just "ME".